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Old 02-26-2018, 01:38 AM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,537,530 times
Reputation: 16771

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Does this plan have something to do which is culturally based or is it intended to be for family benefit? Its rather out of place for them to insist they should as if there was no other option. From the wife's reaction, tradition or not, its now one she's anxious to follow.

My son's inlaws currently live with them, and likely will continue to. I got an invite, but said not now. What we figure is when I want other people around because I might need them we'll work on it. But I want my own space. I've already laid out my tiny house actually. In her family it IS culturally normal for mothers and fathers to live with at least the oldest's family.

I actually like the idea, just not right now. And he is still talking about when he finishes school, (he wants to get his degree as it will help with jobs, even in tech) that they'd love me to come. But he still has it in his brain to move back to California. I might like that, don't know for sure, but living in a state with a VERY low cost of living, know Socal especially will be way up there in the upper limits of cost of living I can't afford. So I'll have to have space without being able to add that much to the cost.

I do like the idea when they have kids. Being able to see your grandkids grow would be awesome, especially as I'm an only child.
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Old 02-26-2018, 06:45 AM
 
7,979 posts, read 11,657,672 times
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Everday I hear "family is everything" "Family" Family family family.

Except that it is apparently not?

I suppose if you both got diagnoses of some disease and needed physical help having relatives move in with you might suddenly be more appealing.

I get not wanting them to move right in, but perhaps you could help them in other ways. They are family.
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Old 02-26-2018, 08:15 PM
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,547 posts, read 17,537,530 times
Reputation: 16771
Quote:
Originally Posted by Giesela View Post
Everday I hear "family is everything" "Family" Family family family.

Except that it is apparently not?

I suppose if you both got diagnoses of some disease and needed physical help having relatives move in with you might suddenly be more appealing.

I get not wanting them to move right in, but perhaps you could help them in other ways. They are family.
Since focusing problems with one eye, I don't drive. For the last years, my sister in law, and her son lived here, moving here after I did. So since his 'job' was helping with rides, I could get one. But earlier this year she died suddenly (she had been very ill the last few months) and my nephew went back with his grandparents. He has mental illness issues, and is with his grandparents where he has to take his meds and is doing well now. But I've yet to find a 'ride'.

If I could drive, (actually I can, and was a good driver until the eye problem) I'd be fine. There's options, and I don't really feel much need for going 'out' much. But it would be nice. There's someone with uber here, but maybe just one person so I gave up on that. At least once, not having a way to get somewhere has had bad results. But my income can support living here. It wouldn't do much more than an old apartment in California, and I couldn't wait to leave that behind.

The problem is there's uber, if you call maybe one person, and around town a bus for seniors (no, don't like using that label for me). In some ways this is great, and in others I keep adding frustration. It's been suggested I could rent the unused room but.... I'd lose all that I love about this situation, the privacy, the not bothering anyone if I decide to watch a movie at 3 am. I've had roommates. I also vowed never to again.

For the op, I'd say offer help for them finding someplace they could manage and have them do a trial run. If they love it, great. If they don't, then nothing is lost, including the OP's peace of mind. Suggest a visit first. Stress that its a trial ballown sort of visit but IS a visit.

Maybe it would be good to have them live near, but not WITH you, but until they try it you really won't know.
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Old 02-27-2018, 04:16 PM
 
6,876 posts, read 7,273,507 times
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Quote:
I lived in Europe for a couple of decades and it's common for multi-generations to share a home -
g in I

Yeah. But broke siblings -- plural --moving in isn't exactly multi-generations.

And, in Europe, because of the more -- shall I say -- socialized nature of certain benefits and social safety net issues -- a "broke" relative might not be as much of a financial drain. Maybe maybe not, who knows. Just a thought
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Old 03-01-2018, 01:46 PM
 
Location: Eastern Washington
14,228 posts, read 44,887,015 times
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It depends on the character of the relative who wants to live with you. Years ago I had a cousin who lived with me in my Idaho house. He was very conscientious, while he was not working a "job" as such while he lived with me, he made it a point to clean the house, and to find things that needed repair, usually talking over the repair options with me and either getting money for parts from me or I bought the parts. So he way more than pulled his own weight. Basically I had a high-end handyman on site 24-7 just for feeding him (early 20's kid and a big guy, so he did eat a lot). After a few months of this, he found a full-scale job and moved out. A good deal for both of us.

I have other cousins who are literally toothless crackheads. Wouldn't let them move in, no way, no how.

The trouble with people who want to move in with you, is that typically they have financial problems that preclude them having their own place, and these problems will bleed over into your life if you let them live in your place.
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Old 03-01-2018, 02:09 PM
 
25,976 posts, read 32,984,687 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post

I can't believe this situation is unique to us.
Iíve never heard of it happening to anyone. I guess I donít know any deadbeats!
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:16 PM
Status: "Disagreeing is not the same thing as trolling." (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
9,481 posts, read 3,639,813 times
Reputation: 19492
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post
More than one of my wife's siblings has indicated they want/expect to move in with my wife and I as we approach and enter retirement. They will all be entering retirement dead broke. .
I know a woman about 60 now, never saved a dime for retirement. She works double shifts now at a hospital, on her feet all day long. I don't know what will happen to her but she's not going to be receiving assistance from me. She's very good at playing the victim role. She's also squandered her chance at friendships with lots of people who might have been otherwise willing to help her.


You should tell your wife's siblings no, they can't move in with you. I don't think that's mean, it's just being real.
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:41 PM
 
29,774 posts, read 34,860,277 times
Reputation: 11687
Isn't this the way things use to be? Isn't this how they were for many, many years around the world? Isn't this the way it is for many families in America still today? Parents, siblings etc etc being able to provide for the common good. With cuts in SS, Medicaid and Medicare possible, things might come back after going full circle in some families.
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Old 03-01-2018, 05:51 PM
Status: "Disagreeing is not the same thing as trolling." (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
9,481 posts, read 3,639,813 times
Reputation: 19492
Quote:
Originally Posted by TuborgP View Post
Isn't this the way things use to be? Isn't this how they were for many, many years around the world? Isn't this the way it is for many families in America still today? Parents, siblings etc etc being able to provide for the common good. With cuts in SS, Medicaid and Medicare possible, things might come back after going full circle in some families.
That should be a back-up plan only. People should still try to save money for retirement. Sure, unexpected things can happen like health expenses, but I think the people that OP referred to just didn't bother to save.
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Old 03-01-2018, 06:21 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
78,603 posts, read 70,482,002 times
Reputation: 76566
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post
More than one of my wife's siblings has indicated they want/expect to move in with my wife and I as we approach and enter retirement. They will all be entering retirement dead broke. My wife's response is that she wants to move to Thailand and volunteer in an Elephant Rescue to get away from her family, their constant using of her and emotional toil they dump on her (us). I reminded my wife that she does not like Thai food, but she said she didn't care about that.

Anyone else have this or similar situation? We can't be the only ones faced with a duty to self and duty to dysfunctional 'family' dilemma.

We live three hours away but fear that isn't far enough. I countered Thailand with a Red Deer preserve in New Zealand.
Maybe this has already been suggested, but you two can play "good cop, bad cop" with her family members. Since she's not able to stand up to them, you can be the bad guy (if you don't mind, that is). She can tell them that you've put your foot down, and want to enjoy your retirement in privacy. OP, did your wife work outside the home, or was it your paycheck that made the house payments? If you paid for the house, she could also include that factor in her strategy. She could tell her sibs it's not her house, it's yours, and you're not having any "guests".

She shouldn't have to abandon her own home because of some pushy relatives. Where are these people living now? If they're so desperate, why are they waiting until you retire? If they're truly broke, Social Security should be able to help.
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