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Old 02-22-2018, 07:34 AM
 
381 posts, read 352,562 times
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My kids don't ask for money. However, I have seen that behavior in a few families. I am truly bewildered. I would assume the "enabling" actually started years before the child left home.
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Old 02-22-2018, 07:47 AM
 
4,343 posts, read 6,057,486 times
Reputation: 10428
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
What would you do if you had a kid who opted out of college for 7 or 8 years, supported themselves for those years, and decided to do college in their mid-20's? Not everybody is ready for college at 18.
Same as I posted above. Tell him/her they have four years to get it done and that's it. My kid got a fully paid for education but it was on our terms. In his mid-twenties, he'd be on his own.
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Old 02-22-2018, 08:43 AM
 
Location: The Ozone Layer, apparently...
1,906 posts, read 674,868 times
Reputation: 3955
Quote:
Originally Posted by suziq38 View Post
I am incredulous that some friends and family members pay their adult children's bills.

My mother helped two of my brothers and a single sister. When she aged and was running out of money, the two sons harassed her and tried to get her to turn all of her assets to them. Wisely she did not, but they made her miserable by shunning her. The sister lived with her for free and withdrew money regularly from her bank accounts, especially when she got too old to stop her. These three kids were so greedy, and depended on my mother for money. When she died, they panicked.

A cousin supported her kids, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. They ran out of money in their 70's, so they sold their only asset, their small home. They are now renting, but still supporting their low-life family financially. Their children are dependent on them and the U. S. Government.

Another cousin has financially supported her adult daughter and 3 granddaughters for the last 15 years. Her daughter has no physical disability, but she freeloads off of her mother by living in a house of hers for free and getting money from both parents who are now in their 70's. The 70 year old mother still works! The daughter keeps making excuses as to why she can't work or find a job. Now she is saying that she "feels" sick and is too old (52) that no one offers her a job. I say it is because she has not worked in the last 15 years.

My point is that these are not rich people. Adult children need to support themselves. A 70 year old should be looking forward to retirement instead of handing money off to an adult child who refuses to work!

I have more stories, but you get the idea.
Okay so what? In the end, they all did what they wanted to do. To some people, their family is their life. While to other people, they don't care.

I once met an attorney who retired at 93 and then went back to work at 95. Sometimes people chose to keep working because its what they know, and it keeps them healthy and productive when they found retirement didn't.

Remember, when you call your family "low-lifes", you are calling yourself a low life too - same DNA.

Should people take advantage of the elderly? NO! But obviously no one stepped in when your mom needed help to assume responsibility and manage her affairs for her, so it happened. No one can say they didn't know it was happening, because if they had bothered to look at the time, mom probably would have shown them.

It's good none of these people are rich. That would mean no one was expecting an inheritance. I would at least give these women credit for not turning their back on their families - they truly are mothers, and nurtured until the end. God bless!
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Old 02-22-2018, 08:56 AM
 
10,344 posts, read 9,379,305 times
Reputation: 15938
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sassygirl18 View Post
It takes two parties to play this game and the parents who ALLOW their kids to mooch off of them are equally to blame.
This!!! A friend of mine admitted she spoiled her son and daughter so that they would "like" her. Once they were ready to head out on their own into adulthood she and her husband bought them cars, paid for the car insurance and repairs, and also gave them money to pay for rent.

Finally they woke up and realized their mistake. Not just on their pocketbook; but the disservice to their children by not preparing them for adulthood.
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Old 02-22-2018, 09:13 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia/South Jersey area
2,875 posts, read 1,404,432 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nicet4 View Post
I do not have that problem here and never will have. I made it abundantly clear that 30 days after graduating from college they were totally and 100% on their own. As I repeatedly told them "the first 22 years are on me the rest are on thee" and they knew from past history I absolutely meant it.
so I was probably not as strict as far as a timetable but I get your meaning. I come from a loving big family that has always helped each other but helping one another does not mean "mooching"

My youngest son is taking a bit longer than 4 years to finish college, I'm ok with that as long as he's not goofying off and his being responsible (which means a few things to me).

2 of my kids still live at home, once again I'm fine with that, they pay me a small allowance, save in their 401ks and are saving for an apartment. they got hand me down cars so no they didn't have to buy a car but they're cars are junkers.

I lived at home after college and didn't turn into a moocher.
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Old 02-22-2018, 10:04 AM
 
Location: Central Mexico and Central Florida
7,101 posts, read 3,461,680 times
Reputation: 10163
Most siblings don't find about this until much later.

My SIL (out of 4 siblings) took advantage of her Dad; he even took a LOC on his house to pay for her kids' college. My DH found out about it when his Dad could no longer handle his day to day affairs due to progressing dementia. He put a stop to it, obviously and told the other sibs. She didn't say a word in her defense, other than it was a gift from him, not a loan. We have no kids, but the other 2 sibs do and they paid for their kids' college and/or combo of loans the kids took out.

The one sibling got 60K over 6 years from her Dad, best we could figure (his checkbook and finances were a mess).

When settling the estate, my DH (executor/trustee) asked his Dad's lawyer (eldercare specialty) if he could deduct the 60K from her share of inheritance. Nope. Not unless there was proof it was a loan.
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Old 02-22-2018, 10:15 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,093 posts, read 5,902,218 times
Reputation: 30347
Quote:
Originally Posted by sassygirl18 View Post
it takes two parties to play this game and the parents who allow their kids to mooch off of them are equally to blame.


cut them off.
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Old 02-22-2018, 10:35 AM
 
13,912 posts, read 7,405,593 times
Reputation: 25398
Quote:
Originally Posted by dijkstra View Post
Do the same thing many of the rest of us did.....figure it out and make it happen. I have no sympathy for this excuse to sponge off your parents in your late 20's or 30's. I had small children, worked full time, had a household of bills and still went back to school and got a degree. I made it all happen and graduated with honors in engineering so I really don't want to hear any sob stories about trying to go back to school. If you really want to go and have the drive, you will find a way to make it happen.

So in a family with two kids, sibling A graduates from high school, spends four years at a $50K/year school, and the parents pick up the tab. Sibling B graduates from high school, moves to Vail for 7 years to live the ski bum life supporting themselves, and then decides to go back to college. They get admitted to that same expensive top-10 school. You'd cut off sibling B at the knees?
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Old 02-22-2018, 10:50 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,947 posts, read 2,282,624 times
Reputation: 16635
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
What would you do if you had a kid who opted out of college for 7 or 8 years, supported themselves for those years, and decided to do college in their mid-20's? Not everybody is ready for college at 18.
I sort of fall into this category: I left home at 16, with a 9th-grade education & got pregnant.

I also became very poor, very quickly. So at age 18, I decided to go back to school by starting at a community college, establishing a decent GPA & transferring to a university a year later.

As this scenario was all of my own design; I did not ask for a dime. I was poor enough to qualify for a Pell Grant which helped with tuition but the rest was on me. Trust me: They didn't offer & who could blame them!

I can't even begin to tell you how stupid I felt ... I struggled like crazy, as a teenage mom without even a HS education & I did so knowing that it didn't have to be this way:

My parents had purchased a condo a few blocks from the campus of CU when I was 12 years old in anticipation of my future "success" ... And my actions as a teen had thrown that possibility & the college fund that went with it; right into the dumpster! I had nobody to blame except myself.

What my parents DID offer me to help out was worth its weight in gold, though: They said, "We will help you with the baby!" I considered myself very lucky.
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Old 02-22-2018, 11:02 AM
 
Location: Florida -
8,764 posts, read 10,843,052 times
Reputation: 16639
Quote:
Originally Posted by katie45 View Post
This!!! A friend of mine admitted she spoiled her son and daughter so that they would "like" her. Once they were ready to head out on their own into adulthood she and her husband bought them cars, paid for the car insurance and repairs, and also gave them money to pay for rent.

Finally they woke up and realized their mistake. Not just on their pocketbook; but the disservice to their children by not preparing them for adulthood.
This is the key! -- Over-indulging children produces over-indulged adults who think they have a right to the work and possessions of others. This is a form of child-abuse, largely perpetuated (IMO) by people who are unprepared to be parents ... and instead, try to be buddies, friends or Santa Claus.
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