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Old 02-22-2018, 09:38 PM
Status: "I am Blessed." (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: Spurs country. "Go, Spurs, Go!"
3,415 posts, read 3,968,861 times
Reputation: 8844

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Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
What would you do if you had a kid who opted out of college for 7 or 8 years, supported themselves for those years, and decided to do college in their mid-20's? Not everybody is ready for college at 18.
This was not an option in my house. I only had 1 child, a daughter, but she was told from early childhood on what was expected of her, and that included going to college after high school. At age 7, her 17 year old cousin had graduated but had no college plans. She asked "Why isn't cousin going to college?" She just assumed everyone went to college after high school.

When adulthood/end of high school/end of college is in the near future, there should be a plan in place for life going beyond that time frame. High school is a time of figuring out what you want to do with your life career, and plan college or trade school accordingly.

This only works with parental or other adult participation in the child's life. How else is a child going to know they need to make some serious decisions as they get older. Life is not one big party.
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Old 02-22-2018, 09:44 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,053 posts, read 17,361,139 times
Reputation: 41484
Quote:
Originally Posted by gleamingobscenereader View Post
I can only talk about my parents. My parents were to blame for me not working during college years. They forced me to not get a job. They wanted me to be financially dependent on them. Could not do anything about it. Once I graduated, the real world set in and I literally could not find a job. Half was because they forced me not to work so I had no job skills. The other half was because jobs had unrealistic job expectations - like graduating with an undergrad degree and having to have Masters education experience (that's for entry level job and other things similar).
(snip)

I am genuinely curious. How could your parents possibly "force you not to get a job" when you were in college?
When I was in college I applied for my own jobs and handled all of that without any assistance from my parents.

Ditto with our two children. They looked for their own jobs, filled out their own applications, did their own interviews, accepted jobs on their own, scheduled their own hours, figured out their own transportation, etc.. Sometimes, it would be days or even weeks before they happened to mention to Hubby and I that they had a new job or where they were currently working. Since their colleges were two & six hours away from home we would have no idea about their job status (except that they needed to work to keep their student loans as low as possible).

Seriously, how could your parents prevent you from getting a job? They only way that I could imagine would be if they drove you to your college classes, waited outside the door, and immediately drove you home again and then locked you inside your bedroom (like the Turpin family that locked their 13 children inside their house and chained some of them to their beds). I am really sorry if they did that to you as that would appear to be abusive.

Last edited by germaine2626; 02-22-2018 at 09:57 PM..
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Old 02-22-2018, 10:02 PM
 
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
4,709 posts, read 2,547,660 times
Reputation: 9151
Quote:
Originally Posted by suziq38 View Post
I am incredulous that some friends and family members pay their adult children's bills.

My mother helped two of my brothers and a single sister. When she aged and was running out of money, the two sons harassed her and tried to get her to turn all of her assets to them. Wisely she did not, but they made her miserable by shunning her. The sister lived with her for free and withdrew money regularly from her bank accounts, especially when she got too old to stop her. These three kids were so greedy, and depended on my mother for money. When she died, they panicked.

A cousin supported her kids, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. They ran out of money in their 70's, so they sold their only asset, their small home. They are now renting, but still supporting their low-life family financially. Their children are dependent on them and the U. S. Government.

Another cousin has financially supported her adult daughter and 3 granddaughters for the last 15 years. Her daughter has no physical disability, but she freeloads off of her mother by living in a house of hers for free and getting money from both parents who are now in their 70's. The 70 year old mother still works! The daughter keeps making excuses as to why she can't work or find a job. Now she is saying that she "feels" sick and is too old (52) that no one offers her a job. I say it is because she has not worked in the last 15 years.

My point is that these are not rich people. Adult children need to support themselves. A 70 year old should be looking forward to retirement instead of handing money off to an adult child who refuses to work!

I have more stories, but you get the idea.
I do.
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Old 02-22-2018, 10:04 PM
Status: "I am Blessed." (set 8 days ago)
 
Location: Spurs country. "Go, Spurs, Go!"
3,415 posts, read 3,968,861 times
Reputation: 8844
In response to germaine2626: From the way the post was "spoken", my guess is that this poster and family are from another country, one where the parents have the say-so over the children, so it would be a cultural thing.
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Old 02-22-2018, 10:28 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,053 posts, read 17,361,139 times
Reputation: 41484
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar 77 View Post
In response to germaine2626: From the way the post was "spoken", my guess is that this poster and family are from another country, one where the parents have the say-so over the children, so it would be a cultural thing.
Maybe you are right. However, if this took place in another country the poster probably should have mentioned it because otherwise most people would automatically picture a college student in the US (since CD is primarily a US forum).
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Old 02-22-2018, 11:33 PM
 
394 posts, read 157,140 times
Reputation: 1103
Quote:
Originally Posted by gleamingobscenereader View Post
I can only talk about my parents. My parents were to blame for me not working during college years. They forced me to not get a job. They wanted me to be financially dependent on them. Could not do anything about it. Once I graduated, the real world set in and I literally could not find a job. Half was because they forced me not to work so I had no job skills. The other half was because jobs had unrealistic job expectations - like graduating with an undergrad degree and having to have Masters education experience (that's for entry level job and other things similar).

Hurt me bad because I would have definitely found a job within 6 months because some jobs that were more realistic with expectations did not want to hire me because I had no job skills. They know you do not want to work in retail, restaurants, etc for rest of your life, which is the whole point of going to college. They took priority over retail. That's only place to get job skills while in college. So that's why those kids got hired and not me. Parents did not want to hear it - they blamed job market. They refused to see they were the problem.

Side Note -- This is why I cannot stand the people who say you do not need retail for after college jobs. I went through it. No one would hire me because I had no job skills. Retail is the only place to get job skills. They also know you do not want to work there for rest of life which is point of going to college. That's why most hire these people straight after college or within 6 months. They probably were told that and believed it because they would not tell them something wrong. I have a feeling some people told me its pointless and do not listen to them because they did not want to hurt my feelings from the truth (which I clearly knew).

Side Note 2 -- I found my first job after 1 year ish (1 year and 3 ish months later). At interview they said they really need help, so they looking for people. I pretty much got hired on the spot. Did not realize how bad it was until I started. I figured thats why I got hired in the first place. They probably do not want to refuse anyone who walks in the door since they desperate for help. They really are that desperate. Im happy either way because now I get job skills, even though its not the job I wanted after college. I wanted to do something else (Plan A) but they were not hiring because they do not need many people doing it, so whoever was hired if any were what they needed at most. So then I had to look at other areas of Bio (as Plan B). They wanted minimum of Masters, certification, 2 year program at community college, etc. So then I had to do something completely unrelated until I figured it out. But, at first, I just needed to get job skills first. So didn't bother looking since I started, which was already 1 year. So will look sometime this year.

This is what I see here - parents who actually let them not work. Mine was totally different from letting a 40 year old not work, but similar concept. They let them not work for whatever reason. Did not care that they had to dish out money for someone capable of working.
So you think it's your parents fault? Maybe, but you decided to do what they said. After you turn 18, your life is your responsibility. You have the "pink slip" to your own life. Your parents don't own you. Prepare for the future in case your parents can no longer give you money. Good luck.
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Old 02-23-2018, 05:57 AM
 
Location: SW Corner of CT
1,949 posts, read 1,537,707 times
Reputation: 2438
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post

I am genuinely curious. How could your parents possibly "force you not to get a job" when you were in college?
When I was in college I applied for my own jobs and handled all of that without any assistance from my parents.

Ditto with our two children. They looked for their own jobs, filled out their own applications, did their own interviews, accepted jobs on their own, scheduled their own hours, figured out their own transportation, etc.. Sometimes, it would be days or even weeks before they happened to mention to Hubby and I that they had a new job or where they were currently working. Since their colleges were two & six hours away from home we would have no idea about their job status (except that they needed to work to keep their student loans as low as possible).

Seriously, how could your parents prevent you from getting a job? They only way that I could imagine would be if they drove you to your college classes, waited outside the door, and immediately drove you home again and then locked you inside your bedroom (like the Turpin family that locked their 13 children inside their house and chained some of them to their beds). I am really sorry if they did that to you as that would appear to be abusive.
Sounds like one of those that come out of college and wants to start as CEO, and will not accept less. There are jobs out there....heck try Enterprise -rent-a-car, they are unethical to customers, but love recent grads.
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Old 02-23-2018, 06:19 AM
 
1,137 posts, read 570,383 times
Reputation: 4370
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
What would you do if you had a kid who opted out of college for 7 or 8 years, supported themselves for those years, and decided to do college in their mid-20's? Not everybody is ready for college at 18.
Yep. Been there, done that. I wasn't ready for college out of HS, even though parents would pay for it. I took an alternate career and did OK for a few years. When I was mature enough to settle down and go to college for a BSEE, the concept of going to my parents for a hand-out was nowhere on my radar. I sucked it up, and went to work on graveyard shifts at a rental car agency for 4 1/2 years to make my dream a reality. By the time I graduated, had managerial work experience, and a very tiny student debt I paid off in one year.
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Old 02-23-2018, 06:43 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,587 posts, read 17,574,904 times
Reputation: 27677
I wished my parents had pushed the work line sooner.

My first job in high school was at a local grocery store. I hated it and just walked out. After that, I got on at a local PC repair shop, mostly building PCs and fixing end user PC issues. That was a good job, but the business closed fairly quickly. I also worked at Walmart and had an internship at a retail brokerage.

Even though I worked, it was mostly part-time, casual employment that really taught me nothing about being in the professional workplace. Honestly, I'd have been better off to go work for the Citigroup call center at 18, spending a few years there, then going to college, than going to college at 18, like I did. At 18, I didn't have the maturity to buckle down in school. I was much more concerned with video game tournaments and chasing women in their 30s/40s. I had no clue what I wanted to do (outside of a few "dream jobs," I still don't). A few years of seasoning in the workforce would have helped me.
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Old 02-23-2018, 09:50 AM
 
9,395 posts, read 6,264,555 times
Reputation: 17723
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
Victim blaming
No, it is very codependent and harmful.

Harmful for the parents because their savings is impacted and harmful to their "children" because they never learn to fend for themselves
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