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Old 02-28-2018, 08:51 AM
 
Location: ☀️ SWFL ⛱ 🌴
2,446 posts, read 1,681,459 times
Reputation: 8764

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post
What about the adult children who mooch free or nearly free Day Care services from their parents? I am not talking about one or two days per week, but rather 5-6 days per week making it a full time occupation for at least one Grandparent.

I have a co-worker who learned 7-8 months ago that her son and his wife were expecting their first child. At the same celebratory restaurant dinner where my co-worker learned this news, the son turned to his mother and asked/stated she she should retire in a few months so she could watch their new-born child for them.

My co-worker is a very direct tiny fireball. Her response was akin to "Are you feffin kidding me? You want me to retire from a $100K job in my late fifties. Screw up my pension for the rest of my life. Screw up my Social Security for the rest of my life. Eliminate my ability to have post-retirement health care (our employer has a bizarre provision in the Grandfather arrangement to cover long term employees such as my co-worker with post-retirement health care after they eliminated post-retirement health care for all the rest of us). Just so you can save money on Day Care?

The son and his wife make ~$300k per year and live 60 miles from his parents.

I have a High School classmate who left her job in her mid-fifties to move from Michigan to California and become a Granny Nanny for her son's child. Five years later the little one is in school and Grandma's services are no longer required. So the son tells his mother she is not needed but they really need her bedroom in their home for an office. With no other friends in CA, and unable to afford a CA apartment on her screwed up pension and screwed up SS, she loaded her few remaining belongings in her car and moved back to Michigan where the rest of the extended family still lives.
We moved to FL to be near our grandkids and I love providing care for them. I went to work full time after our son was one and I missed those early years. Later when we moved to NY I learned firsthand how it was to have no family nearby. This is a do over for me, a second chance to see what I missed. I’ve realized I missed out on much with our son, but I’m not sure I would have appreciated that when I was younger. I’m happy I can take care of my grandkids, not everyone wants to, or has the opportunity. I didn’t miss out on their early years and can be here for love and support. This is important to me. It’s also just another phase I’ll retire from when it’s time.

Last edited by jean_ji; 02-28-2018 at 09:18 AM..
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Old 03-03-2018, 11:29 AM
 
1,195 posts, read 483,299 times
Reputation: 1952
Quote:
Originally Posted by ComeCloser View Post
Remember, when you call your family "low-lifes", you are calling yourself a low life too - same DNA.
I don’t think this is hereditary. One can have “low-lifes” and “non-low-lifes” in the same family; have seen it on several occasions, in fact.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ComeCloser View Post
I would at least give these women credit for not turning their back on their families - they truly are mothers, and nurtured until the end. God bless!
I wouldn’t. Enabling bad behavior doesn’t strike me as a praiseworthy trait.
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Old 03-04-2018, 12:43 PM
 
Location: Surf City, NC
364 posts, read 554,208 times
Reputation: 946
Even parents whose children are disabled should have a plan for their eventual independent living. You will not be there forever to care for them, nor is it fair to expect siblings to take over. It is kinder to help them into an independent situation while you are still around to help and guide them, rather than waiting for a crisis. A community-based group home or assisted living situation will give them others of their own age to socialize with, and you will be able to enjoy your own retirement and will not over-stress yourselves as your own strength diminishes.
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Old 03-05-2018, 11:38 AM
 
214 posts, read 85,253 times
Reputation: 609
Quote:
Originally Posted by Johanna25 View Post
Even parents whose children are disabled should have a plan for their eventual independent living. You will not be there forever to care for them, nor is it fair to expect siblings to take over. It is kinder to help them into an independent situation while you are still around to help and guide them, rather than waiting for a crisis. A community-based group home or assisted living situation will give them others of their own age to socialize with, and you will be able to enjoy your own retirement and will not over-stress yourselves as your own strength diminishes.
My sister in law - the family fixer - has done that with both her younger sister and her niece.

Her younger sister just retired, married, home, child. All because of her older sister who made sure she got into independent living deals.

Her niece also disabled - has job, apartment, husband..... etc.

Once again because of the sister in law.
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Old 03-06-2018, 03:01 PM
 
8,759 posts, read 10,874,325 times
Reputation: 12811
I have a colleague at work, if she doesn't give her daughter money when she wants it, the daughter gets angry and cusses her out. The daughter is maybe 35 ish. Yikes. Some emotional reason she's lending it to her I suppose, have to look at yourself, what is motivating you to do it and why would you feel responsible to do it. It's not an emergency thing, but something steady I think.

I also had an acquaintance years ago whose adult male child would ask her regularly for money. He was divorced I think and living w/ her. He was in his 30's at the time, too, I think. She ended up w/ a house when her 2nd husband passed on (at an early age). Once the son found this out, he had his hand out all the time.
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Old 03-06-2018, 06:03 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque, NM
1,430 posts, read 2,577,242 times
Reputation: 2546
Then there are the senior adults who believe they are entitled to the monetary support of their children . . . the door swings both ways.
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Old 03-06-2018, 06:58 PM
 
2,121 posts, read 3,430,000 times
Reputation: 1619
Quote:
Originally Posted by nicet4 View Post
I do not have that problem here and never will have. I made it abundantly clear that 30 days after graduating from college they were totally and 100% on their own. As I repeatedly told them "the first 22 years are on me the rest are on thee" and they knew from past history I absolutely meant it.
You have to be less rigid. Some kids at 22 are not yet fully able to handle "life" all on their own. I was one of them and it was absolutely devastating for me (I am in my 60's now) that my parents did that to me. I was not spoiled or needy or entitled. I was just not ready to take on things alone. Be kind and listen to your kids. Can they manage? Some can, many cannot.
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Old 03-06-2018, 10:36 PM
 
405 posts, read 161,376 times
Reputation: 1148
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha Anne View Post
You have to be less rigid. Some kids at 22 are not yet fully able to handle "life" all on their own. I was one of them and it was absolutely devastating for me (I am in my 60's now) that my parents did that to me. I was not spoiled or needy or entitled. I was just not ready to take on things alone. Be kind and listen to your kids. Can they manage? Some can, many cannot.
If they can't manage, and are regularly having their hand out, I haven't done a good job raising my kids. Our kids are not physically challenged. They have brains.....two hands, two legs. Get out of the house and get a job if I have already paid for your college and you are 22.....From the age of 5 or 6, our kids were doing chores. At the age of 8 my son was mowing lawns and pulling weeds for a few of the neighbors. Our daughter was babysitting at 11 or 12.....Our son was working at the movie theater and our daughter was working at the local sporting goods store at the age of 16. Our son had a paid internship at a local business while he was a senior in high school. By the time they both got to college, they both had part-time jobs in order to make ends meet. It was tough, but they did it. By the time they were 22, they were both on their own. Occasionally, they wanted to move home in between jobs, but I told them that this was temporary. Also, they would have to pay all utilities and buy their own food. No one lived with us longer than a month after the age of 22. Why? they wanted to be independent.
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Old 03-08-2018, 11:51 AM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,919 posts, read 2,888,205 times
Reputation: 6297
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha Anne View Post
You have to be less rigid. Some kids at 22 are not yet fully able to handle "life" all on their own. I was one of them and it was absolutely devastating for me (I am in my 60's now) that my parents did that to me. I was not spoiled or needy or entitled. I was just not ready to take on things alone. Be kind and listen to your kids. Can they manage? Some can, many cannot.
I have to agree with this. I have a 22 yo who is graduating from college in about a week (a semester early; this is not a lazy kid). He is actively looking for work, but narrowly focused on what he went to school for. I agree with his decision to do that; there is demand and he did very well. He should land a good job, but it could take a couple of months even if an interested employer calls back tomorrow. We paid the first two years of college and he got a loan for the rest. Payments start coming due upon graduation. I will let him move back home and will make a few payments for him while he is job hunting. I own the car he's driving and pay the insurance.

OTOH, his younger brother who is about to turn 18 concerns me. He managed to barely graduate high school, but early, mostly because he just "couldn't handle it anymore". To get out as early as he did required being registered for college for this semester. He was registered at the local community college and seemed to have the right attitude about it. He dropped out just a little past the drop with refund date. He had a part time job for over a year and they started giving him more hours, still low paying but nearly full time. After a few weeks of that, he quit the job. He does have some very real mental/emotional health issues but the current lack of effort on his part really worries me. I am not sure what I will do in 4 years if things have not changed or haven't changed much. I would not let him starve or live on the street, but I certainly wouldn't do much extra for him.
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