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It already happened to me and the best thing H and I ever did was talk about this several times over the course of our 38 year marriage. We even sort of had rules about it. Much different than what most people believe is proper.
1) Love me now while we are both here. When I die, there should be no regrets.
2) No grieving. It's a waste of time. Dead is dead and all the whining/sadness in the world won't bring me back.
3) The rest of your life is the closest you will ever come to a do-over. Don't waste it. Live every minute.
4) Have as much fun as possible and do everything that scares you. No fear.
5) Do good deeds. Help people when you can.
6) Have as much sex and as many relationships as you can.
7) You have my permission to live the best possible life after I am gone. Have some extra fun for me too!
It's now been 7 years since H died and I have done, and will continue to do, all of the above.
When my great grandfather lost his wife, he had to go into a nursing home. At 95. He was fully with it mentally. A couple months before his estate was settled, family members were asked to a consultation at the nursing home.
Seems gramps had put out offers to several young nurses that had caused some drama...... “marry me, and we can move back into my house. Oh, and no sex required”
FWIW, we have been married for 40+ years. My DH is 13 years older than I am, so it would be natural to wonder about this topic, and I have. Having seen my own mother go through this after 34 years, I will be happy just to survive this occurrence with my sanity intact. Love always carries with it the possibility of loss, and when you have loved and been loved for this long, it becomes one of the building blocks of your life.
I would simply hope that at some undefined time I could begin again to count my blessings, including the blessing of having been in such a rewarding relationship. If I can do that, I will feel I have lived well and honored my husband's memory.
I would probably move to be closer to my daughter, son-in-law and new granddaughter. I would never get over my spouse's death and I would never marry again.
I lost my spouse 10 months ago, suddenly to an aggressive cancer. He was the love of my life and best friend. My dog was the reason I got up every morning, I had to care for her, even though I would have preferred to lay in bed all day. It has been a learning experience for me taking care of the house and things he would normally do. I forced myself to join an active senior group and enjoy getting out, talking with people and volunteering. It has been very difficult but I am coping. AFA another husband, for me the answer is no. He was a wonderful man and no one could live up to him in my eyes. I don't mind going to a restaurant alone, I bring my book, I go to lunch with ladies from the senior group. Am I happy? No, but I am living my life the best I can.
Well, when I was 68, my wife didn't die, but she went away, which amounts to the same thing and saved me the trouble of putting flowers on her resting place.
I learned to live well by myself, taking care of all my needs. I became solitary, but not lonely, and in ten years, I didn't know or meet anyone that I could imagine living my life with, but never really tried, either. I found American women to be angry and discontented and frightened and defensive and I didn't need the drama.
Then I read an article in The Economist about aging in America, and it scared the hell out of me. I pictured a future sitting on an iron bed in a small double room with a stranger who played the TV too loud.
I went on OKCupid and found a 50 year old woman in the Philippines, who had exactly the right answer to every single lifestyle question. I got on the plane with a carry on bag, left everything behind, and went and married her. After ten months, she is still perfect, competent and confident, an amazing caretaker, housekeeper and romantic partner. It is apparently a part of the culture, she has two sisters also married to much older foreigners, giving what the can, in exchange for security. There are a lot of elderly expats who married here, I see them in the mall when we go shopping, and several are my neighbors.
This, of course, is not for everyone, and not everyone gets lucky, but for me, so far, it is working out perfectly. Not something you should plan for in the undercurrents of your present married life, but an alternative to be recalled in time of need.
Well, when I was 68, my wife didn't die, but she went away, which amounts to the same thing and saved me the trouble of putting flowers on her resting place.
I learned to live well by myself, taking care of all my needs. I became solitary, but not lonely, and in ten years, I didn't know or meet anyone that I could imagine living my life with, but never really tried, either. I found American women to be angry and discontented and frightened and defensive and I didn't need the drama.
Then I read an article in The Economist about aging in America, and it scared the hell out of me. I pictured a future sitting on an iron bed in a small double room with a stranger who played the TV too loud.
I went on OKCupid and found a 50 year old woman in the Philippines, who had exactly the right answer to every single lifestyle question. I got on the plane with a carry on bag, left everything behind, and went and married her. After ten months, she is still perfect, competent and confident, an amazing caretaker, housekeeper and romantic partner. It is apparently a part of the culture, she has two sisters also married to much older foreigners, giving what the can, in exchange for security. There are a lot of elderly expats who married here, I see them in the mall when we go shopping, and several are my neighbors.
This, of course, is not for everyone, and not everyone gets lucky, but for me, so far, it is working out perfectly. Not something you should plan for in the undercurrents of your present married life, but an alternative to be recalled in time of need.
No disrespect, but this is exactly what I want to avoid , and thankfully can, as a single older woman.
I married relatively late in life - 35. I had a life on my own before that and know well how to take care of myself.
If my spouse died - I would certainly mourn - but I would move on. I would not remarry.
I have lots of family (we did not have children) to surround myself with - and friends.
Life goes on.
My situation is similar. Add to the equation that I married at 37, so I already had +/- 20 years of single adulthood under my belt before embarking on married life. There will be an adjustment to make, but I’m not scared to make it. With the 13 year age gap, my husband and I have always assumed he would predecease me. I think there’s some odd comfort to be had in that assumption, and it puts me in a bit better shape than someone who just lost his or her same-aged spouse.
We’re planning to build our retirement home in 7-8 years when I retire from full-time work. Our plan is to make it simple, and of a size and composition that will be easy for me to maintain on my own when the day comes. It will be all about the location and the views. If resources allow, I may also purchase a very small place back east near my oldest, closest friends. A little mountain cabin would be great.
I won’t rule out remarriage, but I won’t seek it out, either. I plan to get more involved with my community and certain pet interests when I retire. I imagine I would step up that involvement if and when I find myself on my own.
Wow! On behalf of American women everywhere, my sincerest apology for our continued bad mood.
I advise the OP to keep a more open mind should the time ever come.
Wow! You sound angry and discontented and frightened and defensive
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