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This thought terrifies me. I enjoy alone time, I have no problem going to a restaurant and eating by myself or taking the yearly weekend vacation by myself to get away. But when my wife is gone for more than a day I find that I get bored. I would miss her terribly and don't ever see marrying again should she go before I do.
Interesting. The women I know who have lost their husbands are all very active with friends and don't seem bored at all.
It's great if your husband is happy with salad, milk and eggs. Most men I know, my husband included, wants a regular lunch and dinner and variety. We DO eat out some, but he has high blood pressure and most restaurant food has way to much sodium for him. He already had one heart attack and I don't want him to have another one and maybe die. We're looking forward to garden vegies too!
I don't cook breakfast or lunch, we each eat what we want when we feel like it. We got together when my husband was 43, so he knew how to feed himself. I cook dinner probably 4 nights a week, other nights we eat leftovers, go out, get take out, or just fend for ourselves. If I had to cook and clean up for 3 meals a day I'd never have any time for anything else.
Sell this house and buy a townhouse somewhere much closer - but not right on top of - our only son. I would not be looking for a permanent companion/spouse. Would I be lonely? A little, but that would be missing the person that I lost.
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I lost my wife to cancer over two years ago. We had 5 years after the first diagnosis, so we had time to get things in order, including our feelings about it.
About a year after she died, I thought about starting a relationship with a woman then I reminded myself how tough it was helping my wife and how rough it was watching her die. I decided I never wanted to go thru that again. I never wanted to be responsible for another person's well being. While illness can hit anyone, the older we get the more prone we are to getting ill thus older women were eliminated.
Then I thought OK, just find a younger woman but I realized that I really enjoy my freedom and independence. I can can come, go, and do as I please. Any real relationship would interfere with this freedom. This mean even if she is young and healthy, it would still require a time and emotional commitment that I am not willing to give. I love my freedom and independence.
After all this, the one major problem is I did not want to give up on the sexual aspect of a relationship. I wanted a sexual relationship. Not sure how some describe it, but many say a Friend With Benefits (FWB). It took me some time to find the right one (in a grocery store). A young single mom. We were not sure where it was going but after a few "dates" we realized we both had needs the other could fill. We see each other once a week or so. Sometimes a bit more if she needs help with something. We do get some stares. I am old and white. She is young and black. We do not question our relationship as it works for the both of it. We stay out of each others real lifes. Her more so out of mine. We both know it will not be long term but we enjoy it as it goes on. And I so enjoy the sex.....LOL
Very sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. The bolded part of your post jumped out at me. While you would never want to go through the caregiving and loss again, so you avoid older women, but the idea of putting a younger woman through all that for your future illness/death wasn't an issue for you? And the real problem with a younger woman would be the loss of YOUR independence and freedom...not hers when she is caring for an elderly man in his decline?
I think if your current arrangement is working for both of you, more power to you.
I don't cook breakfast or lunch, we each eat what we want when we feel like it. We got together when my husband was 43, so he knew how to feed himself. I cook dinner probably 4 nights a week, other nights we eat leftovers, go out, get take out, or just fend for ourselves. If I had to cook and clean up for 3 meals a day I'd never have any time for anything else.
That's it! We eat whenever we feel like it.
My roommate was 46 when I met him. So maybe that is it. He wasn't "raised" to be fed three times a day?
This October will mark 7 years since my husband died. The first 4 years I was a train wreck. We had been married 38 years.
The only reason I am able to function was/is due to loving family and friends. I did make myself do stuff figuring to fake it till I make it. It worked for me. Around last fall I started looking around feeling like I was exiting a deep dark place. I don't know what changed just I no longer felt the pressure in my chest or the screaming in my head. I started having fun again. So my advice is if you lose a spouse take time, make no rash decisions, allow yourself to grieve, fake it when necessary, and try to keep your heart open for peace. Remember the love never goes away.
...many guys (including FIL) jump into a relationship that sours their previous family ties & spends their retirement (he bought a $100k motorhome That never got used, traded the Ford for a new Caddie (previously drove pickups), sold the beautiful view home he had built for the deceased, left lifelong friends and moved 2000 miles to meet the desires of the ‘Gold-digger’.)
I try to think about it in a planning sort of way now and then and find it difficult to do but probably a good idea to be somewhat prepared. It will be another life chapter and like all the others at first I won't know what or how to write.
I have a vague list in my head but what I actually would do is a mystery so far. I can think of very few more life-altering events than losing my partner of fifty-one years.
The only positive I can see is that finally I would be able to downsize and I know that would make my life more simple. I am doubtful that I would remarry but I would still like to have male companionship.
Actually it's easier for me to worry about what would happen to him if I go first. I've already had a couple of discussions about that with the widow next door who is our age. Seems she'd be a perfect companion for him. I think she's scandalized. LOL.
Nothing much would change for me, I live in a big house with two of my son's and the wife and children of one of them, they live with me to take care of me and my husband. Husband and I, while we love each other have very little daily interaction with each other, so if he was no longer here not much would change.
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We're looking forward to garden vegies too!
