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Not sure how some describe it, but many say a Friend With Benefits (FWB). It took me some time to find the right one (in a grocery store). A young single mom. We were not sure where it was going but after a few "dates" we realized we both had needs the other could fill.
Some married people who divorce after many years or lose a spouse through death may think they cannot live alone because initially it can seem painful, uncomfortable, desolate, too lonely, something unable to cope with -
but after a while, one can learn to enjoy living alone and the enjoyment of one's own company can increase.
Where once you considered yourself unable to tackle being alone or living alone, you can surprise yourself by adapting to something you thought you never would in a million years.
I confess that when my wife died, I felt a sense of relief. The burden of caring for her had been lifted from my shoulders. While it was going on, I did what I had/needed to do with no regrets. In some senses it was my job and one I gladly did for her.
I did what I had to do for her was based on our 35 years of a wonderful marriage. I reminded myself of that and it kept me going. After her death, I also realized I would/could not do it for anyone else. That is why I will never put myself in that position again. Selfish? Maybe. Hurtful to anyone? No.
I think saying that to your wife is very hurtful to her - even if she doesn't admit it and even if she says she doesn't mind - she may say she doesn't mind, but I'm sure it's an emotional wound.
Especially too since your wife is around the same age as you are.
I don't think it's a tease at all - I think it's an emotional slam.
Since you've said you are quite dependent upon your wife in other threads and have illustrated it in things you've said, telling your wife what you state above seems to be a way of trying to appear as if you are not dependent upon her and trying to appear that you really don't need her. A false posturing.
I'd be willing to bet that Mathjak's wife is very familiar with his brand of humor.
I confess that when my wife died, I felt a sense of relief. The burden of caring for her had been lifted from my shoulders. While it was going on, I did what I had/needed to do with no regrets. In some senses it was my job and one I gladly did for her.
I did what I had to do for her was based on our 35 years of a wonderful marriage. I reminded myself of that and it kept me going. After her death, I also realized I would/could not do it for anyone else. That is why I will never put myself in that position again. Selfish? Maybe. Hurtful to anyone? No.
This is me, exactly. I was my husband's caregiver for the last five years of his life. It was very, very difficult, and I won't do it again, unless -- God forbid -- one of my kids needs me.
My husband is 77 and not in good health. He is sedentary and obese with heart and joint issues and doesn't take care of himself while I am at the gym four times a week, keep my weight under control and am in good health for my age (69). I'd say the chances of him outliving me are pretty slim. So I know I will have to deal with this issue sooner rather than later.
The grieving process will be hard. We've been together for almost 35 years, and I can't imagine life without him. I'm also frightened of the idea of being physically alone. I live in a single-family house and staying in the house overnight by myself is a scary thought. That has only happened twice during our marriage (when he was hospitalized), and I had a terrible time getting to sleep. Every little crack and creak made me think someone was breaking in.
The other thing is that we have no children and no surviving immediate family, so I would need to start thinking about arrangements for my care should I become frail and lose my ability to live independently.
I would probably sell the house and move to a condo in an over-55 community in the Bay Area such as Rossmoor. That way, I wouldn't feel so alone and would have the opportunity to join in activities and make friends. They have assisted living on site in case I ever need it, but I'd like to live independently for as long as possible.
As for remarrying, I wouldn't rule it out but also would not go looking for it. As others have pointed out, caring for an elderly man (especially if he doesn't cook or do housework) can be a lot of work. I'll have to see how things play out. Friends with benefits would be nice as, due to my husband's health issues, I haven't had any benefits in a long time.
Oh it would have been. My father has lost his mind. The worst part is, it wasn't like a gold digger reached out to take advantage of him... he was actively SEEKING a woman like that!
Sure enough, he found a woman with no integrity almost right away. As soon as I found out I did some digging, the woman had a very checkered past, multiple felonies for drugs, shoplifting, bank and credit card fraud... you name it. She took him for $15k in one month before I threatened to have her thrown in jail and extradited to FL for an outstanding warrant when she lived there. She hightailed it because she was also claiming disability and she'd lose her benefits for good if she got arrested again.
Now my father is angry at me and saying he won't have me running his life, etc.
He's in a very bad place and it's probably only going to get worse before it gets better. He's severely strained his relationship with me and my wife, and we don't trust him at all being alone with his granddaughter anymore.
It's only been 6 months since my mother died and I'm still dealing with that. Having to protect him from his own stupidity was something I hadn't planned on doing, especially while this is still so raw with me. The reality of it is, a lot of men just can't hack it when their spouses die before them. Some handle it better than others.
My husband is 77 and not in good health. He is sedentary and obese with heart and joint issues and doesn't take care of himself while I am at the gym four times a week, keep my weight under control and am in good health for my age (69). I'd say the chances of him outliving me are pretty slim. So I know I will have to deal with this issue sooner rather than later.
The grieving process will be hard. We've been together for almost 35 years, and I can't imagine life without him. I'm also frightened of the idea of being physically alone. I live in a single-family house and staying in the house overnight by myself is a scary thought. That has only happened twice during our marriage (when he was hospitalized), and I had a terrible time getting to sleep. Every little crack and creak made me think someone was breaking in.
The other thing is that we have no children and no surviving immediate family, so I would need to start thinking about arrangements for my care should I become frail and lose my ability to live independently.
I would probably sell the house and move to a condo in an over-55 community in the Bay Area such as Rossmoor. That way, I wouldn't feel so alone and would have the opportunity to join in activities and make friends. They have assisted living on site in case I ever need it, but I'd like to live independently for as long as possible.
As for remarrying, I wouldn't rule it out but also would not go looking for it. As others have pointed out, caring for an elderly man (especially if he doesn't cook or do housework) can be a lot of work. I'll have to see how things play out. Friends with benefits would be nice as, due to my husband's health issues, I haven't had any benefits in a long time.
agree. Also it's a mistake to take as all-encompassing definitive truth what one reads on City Data and extrapolate it to most or all women in the U.S. Just because a group of women on City Data's retirement forum stated that they wish not to have a male companion or male significant other or marry in their older years, it's a mistake to think that opinion represents most or all older women. City-Data is not a representative sample. And large segments of people who have no interest in posting on forums are not represented nor people who have other compelling things in their lives and spend their time doing other things in life rather than posting on internet forums.
I work with at least a dozen women who are either divorced or widowed and in the 8 years I've been there only one has remarried. The rest are "never again" people between the ages of 60 and 85. So it isn't just the women on CD and I think we are a pretty good representation of 'average'. I would never say "most" or "all" because I simply don't know but the ones I DO know of feel just like the ones posting on CD.
Someone talked about funerals. Well, I want my body dedicated to science or cremate me. No way in hell am I forcing my family to spend thousands on some funeral. Nope. Take that money and spend it on life.
Funerals, while giving memory to someone, are still too sad. I’d prefer my family to avoid it altogether. Maybe something very small if they want and I’ll make that clear.
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