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brava4: I burst out laughing at this one!!! Thank you for posting it. We need to laugh more and forgive ourselves. We're only human!!
lenora: Hmmm. Lately I've been looking back and wondering "What the HELL was I thinking?!"
Clearly, I wasn't.
This is so true for me, too.
For all of us to some degree, I think. But at the same time, I think we have to give ourselves credit for doing the best we knew how with the information, and the perspectives we had at the time.
As I started to think about what my answer to your question would be, I realized that I really don't think about the "could have beens" anymore. I guess I am living more in the moment now. Thankfully I am comfortable in retirement. That could also be a reason why I don't think back to past decisions anymore... whatever I did then has worked out for me now.
For example: If only I had known my apartment building was going to go condo I would have stayed & bought in. If I would have known that the manager of the company I worked for (,which was a residence for functional mental health residents, bought out that particular investment, I would have stayed & eventually become the office manager.
The if onlys. Instead none of that happened. Instead I became very involved in nonprofit enterprises, mostly dealing with underemployed or unemployed individuals.
It's a tough call. Either way I would have been helping but with the first it would have been a gentle calling, the second (which is what I chose) became much more demanding. In the end, the first choice would have been stable & my retirement now might have been better.
But, I'll never forget a wise woman saying to me, "Mary , it's not that we don't want to get out of poverty. It-s just we didn't know how." And the foundation I worked for gave them the books, teachers & funding to help them move on.
I guess that answers my question to myself. In the first scenario I may have been able to help my son, who was diagnosed bipolar. In the second scenario I was able to help communities in poverty. I chose number 2 & that is something I will have to live with forever.
I know many of my actions helped many people but I have to live with the fact that I may not have been available to my son when he needed me.
None of us get a do-over. We do what we think is best at the time based upon our convictions and research. Because I’ve also struggled with past decisions I have some valuable advice for you: you can allow yourself to be paralyzed by your past, or you can accept that your past is behind you and move forward.
You alone get to decide which path you will choose.
Good points, all of you made. Sometimes I get maudlin about my son. I'd taken the position at the mental health facility after my son was diagnosed as bipolar. I knew nothing before that time but learned a lot working there.
Then I found out it was owned by a company who bought out some nursing homes I'd previously been a bookkeeper for & there was a big write up & investigation into elder abuse after they bought them. I was furious with myself for working for them.
So when an organization I'd previously applied at called me for an interview, & offered me a job, I accepted. It was a good job but I quit focussing on my son's issues & quit learning about mental illness. So when he got really ill, I wasn't paying attention.
Yes, I know there's nothing I could have done but I still get sad sometimes. It did teach me to have more empathy for people with mental health issues. He's been gone for a couple of years now but I will always miss him.
It really has not been that long. Grief is different for everyone. You did what you could and no one expected more (though I know you are right now). He is in a better place and out of the torment his mind gave him. I wish I knew better ways to send comfort, but not too good at that.
My father has been gone about 50 years. I still think about what happened to him, that I never got to say I love you and good bye. The last day I saw him was when he came to see me and my first child after she was born. The last contact was same year he died when he phoned the house and my ex talked to him. Realistically, there is nothing I could do to change what and how it happened. I loved him no matter what he put us all through.
And you love your son, no matter what he put you through.
Good points, all of you made. Sometimes I get maudlin about my son. I'd taken the position at the mental health facility after my son was diagnosed as bipolar. I knew nothing before that time but learned a lot working there.
Then I found out it was owned by a company who bought out some nursing homes I'd previously been a bookkeeper for & there was a big write up & investigation into elder abuse after they bought them. I was furious with myself for working for them.
So when an organization I'd previously applied at called me for an interview, & offered me a job, I accepted. It was a good job but I quit focussing on my son's issues & quit learning about mental illness. So when he got really ill, I wasn't paying attention.
Yes, I know there's nothing I could have done but I still get sad sometimes. It did teach me to have more empathy for people with mental health issues. He's been gone for a couple of years now but I will always miss him.
I know how you feel, honest. I had a nephew who died a year and a half ago due to drugs and alcohol. I KNEW there was nothing that I could do to help him but I still tried and he died anyway. At first I was mad at him and now I'm just sad that he died so young and needlessly. He was only 29 and left a wife and baby. My own son was caught up in drugs for 15 long years and it wasn't till he thought he was dying that he finally got himself straightened out. He was nearly 30 years old at the time. He'll be 60 this year, clean and sober for all these years and I still don't miss those 3:00 AM 'help' calls.
Mental illness is a hard one to deal with and I'm so sorry your son had to. And you also.
Thanks to both of you. Ya, mental illness is the pits. There are so many forms it can take & it's very hard to tell sometimes. He was so sociable, funny & very good looking. Sometimes I think of Robin Williams. Who would have guessed?
So glad you're son recovered from drugs! That's another hard ball of wax.
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