Moving with grandparents in tow (vacations, divorce, divorced, conversation)

[hunterseat]

Grandparents are invaluable and cannot be replaced. Cherish what time you have with them.

I respect your culture and wish mine cared more about their elders.

[tmbf57]

As a grandmother who is very attached to my grandchildren I would find it hard to be too far from them. We contemplated moving about 4 hours away from them recently but ultimately discarded the idea. However, I am realistic that my daughter and her DH may move for employment purposes. That is up to them of course. We would not move to wherever they decided to relocate to, although we would certainly visit, if health and finances permitted.

Regarding moving a lot as a child, as some posters have noted, my family were refugees to the US and due to my father's profession (he was a doctor in our native country) and his need to re-do his residencies and specialties when we were children, we moved A LOT. It was all within the same state but for children, moving, even within the same state is like moving to the ends of the earth in that each move required a new school district, and a new neighborhood. To this day, I have difficulty maintaining long term friendships because we never lived anywhere for more than 2 or 3 years. To be honest it was extremely difficult way to live although we had a close nuclear family life, but no extended family nearby. My paternal grandmother came to live with us when I was about 9 years old and I formed a very strong and deep attachment to her.

So, I get your urge to travel and it's up to you but I did not find that being exposed to multiple locations enhanced my life in any way, if anything it made me more isolative. Externally I am very good in social situations in that I can appear very gregarious but in reality, other than DH, my sisters and my children, I have no friends at all. Not complaining about it just saying I agree with the other posters about too many moves.

[Yippeekayay]

OP, you have to suck it up and take care of your parents. In the end they will feel better. It's not about you but about them, sadly that is the tradition, especially it is your parents who brought you to America. They probably paid for your college too. (Asians pay kids college, then asks kids to take care of them when old; Americans lets kids take college loans, then takes care of their own retirement).

You want to see the world? You can't do that by living in one place in Asia. Or moving to another place in America. That is just relocation. You can see the world now by travelling every now and then on your vacation time. If you target 1 country every 2 years, starting at 30 years old, by 60 you would have traveled to 15 countries....way more than relocating to China for 15 years and to California for another 15 years.

Having said that, while taking care of your parents, you are in a position for your kids/future kids to start an American tradition. Start them young by telling them when you are older, you would like to have an American retirement where you save for your future needs. This means that your children need not worry about you when you grow old.

[Harpaint]

Did your parents ever leave their own parents behind as they pursued their own life? If so, they
should understand and accept it from you too. When they become really elderly and need help, they could move close to you, possibly into an appropriate senior living situation.

[projectmaximus]

Wow thanks so much for all the replies. I have appreciated every response, even the ones that I dont agree with. Cause regardless, it is all helpful and eye-opening!

Perhaps a few more details upfront will help:

Although I am an only child, and my wife has just one sibling, we have huge extended families. My parents had a total of 12 siblings and my wife's parents totaled 15. So there are LOTS of cousins. On the west coast we have about 10 cousins between us, plus my son's only uncle, and many of those relatives have been having kids lately. It is a similar circumstance regarding Asia. We have many relatives in a few particular cities over there and a number of them with young kids. The desire to bring the kids to Asia is an opportunity to have them near those family members as much as it is a chance to expose them to their Chinese heritage. We also strongly believe school in Asia (well, particular parts of Asia) is better for young children. Older ages not so much...

"Other parts of the US" is more or less just NYC (ok maybe DC or Chicago, where we also have very strong networks from our past careers). And the reason for this is simply that in theory we prefer our kids to grow up in a big, diverse, cosmopolitan, global city. That's just us and obviously this viewpoint is debatable.

I guess I don't have to explain our choices to you all, but I don't mind especially if it helps.

Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat

Being ethnically Chinese you've known all your life what was expected of you. Yet you chose to be a location-independent entrepreneur and you're married to another such. Your choice.


That's significant. You've chosen something that deliberately goes against ingrained tradition and your parents' explicit desires. If I were your therapist, I'd explore that with you. What's behind that choice when there are so many other paths you could have taken?

Huh? I dont understand this point. My "choosing" to have a location-independent career was a stroke of good fortune. It allowed me to move back to my hometown and see my parents several times a week for 8 years before we moved away last fall. Had I pursued the career that I studied in college and grad school there is zero chance I would have been in Jax at all. Same thing with my wife...she had a lucrative professional career but because she was willing to quit her job and start a business we were able to start our family in Jacksonville. I think your issue is my desire to live in other parts of the world. I did not "choose" that desire either, although I can and might choose not to pursue it.

As for my wife, it's a perfect match for us. This has actually been my desire for as long as I can remember, and it is hers as well. Thanks for your concern tho

Originally Posted by Lastfire

Did your parents move their parents with them to Jacksonville?

No but they both had many siblings who stayed with their parents in their home country.

Originally Posted by Lastfire

You might even end up there when your toddler becomes a teenager. No one knows.

Yeah I do believe there is a good chance we will be back in Jax when the kids are older.

[JGC97]

Originally Posted by hunterseat

Grandparents are invaluable and cannot be replaced. Cherish what time you have with them.

I respect your culture and wish mine cared more about their elders.

I concur

[projectmaximus]

Originally Posted by evening sun

How will all this moving affect the children's formal education? I understand travel is its own education, but they will likely need paper qualifications later in life. Can you delay the travel & living abroad till retirement?

Yes we can delay. Obviously responding to several different circumstances I posed in my OP, but yes the idea is to cater to the children as well. Home schooling/online schooling would be the plan for the possible travel year. I have some close friends and family who do this, even the ones who aren't traveling, so at least have some model to follow and an idea of the pros and cons. FWIW, we have a good amount of teaching experience between my wife, myself and especially my parents lol. As I mentioned earlier, regarding living in Asia, one of the factors is actually to have them study in Asian schools.

Originally Posted by Suevee

Once I became an adult we picked a place and settled. I know every family is different but please be realistic about the impact on your children. I wish I had friends and family that I had grown up with.

Originally Posted by TheShadow

Your parents are adults and don't currently need your help. If you must move around, do it now before the kids start school. Settle down when your kids get past kindergarten. If your parents need you to care for them, and that has been your understanding for years, then work that out when they need the help. You are more worried about being selfish toward your parents, when you should be worried about the welfare of the kids.

Both of you thanks for sharing your experiences. You are obviously among the many folks who posted about acknowledging how this would affect the kids. We are hyper cognizant and realize that much of our plan may be scrapped if it appears to not be working well for them. And as I said above, most of the places under consideration are such because of the network of family we have that we would like our kids to get to know.

Originally Posted by northshorenative

You need to speak more plainly with them to find out how they feel. They might be OK with your leaving them, but even if they are, know that you will break their hearts.

There is no easy answer and you cannot make everyone happy here. Perhaps you can settle in Jacksonville when your wife establishes her business and travel every summer since you can take your business with you wherever you go. I'm sure there is a way you can AirBNB your home for a few months each year and rent another elsewhere.

Take it day by day. Don't decide today what you will do in 15 years. Have dreams, but know that life might get in the way. You love your parents. Being part of their life as they age is a gift. Your kids will learn so much being exposed to them. Don't be so quick to deny them or yourself that pleasure. The world will still be there after they are gone.

Yes I really really agree with much of what you say. I am pretty certain they will willingly follow us within the US so no heartbreak in that instance. But to Asia, I do not know. I know they do not wish to move back (though they have been visiting for MONTHS every year or two...very strange) so it would be a tough decision for them whether to follow and for us whether to even go.

[StealthRabbit]

Originally Posted by evening sun

How will all this moving affect the children's formal education? I understand travel is its own education, but they will likely need paper qualifications later in life. Can you delay the travel & living abroad till retirement?

International living (as-minorities among locals) and homeschooling was probably my top contribution to the capable, socially well adjusted, and responsible kids I was blessed with. But it did put my career and earnings on hold for 10 yrs. No big deal compared to being with and training your kids, and helping other cultures while learning yourself. They went to college instead of HS FT for free. We all graduated college the same yr, each wearing gold ropes. (I finally got the opportunity to go back to college). No one has asked for their ‘papers’ / what they accomplished prior to college. magna and summa seem to suffice. They each have been awarded community service recognitions, so I guess they are ‘socialized’ adequately. They love to serve, are well employed, and travel a lot. No rebellion / trouble (yet) 10 yrs past college. Might happen any day

Originally Posted by hunterseat

Grandparents are invaluable and cannot be replaced. Cherish what time you have with them.

I respect your culture and wish mine cared more about their elders.

Depending on your parents, (health, habits, friends, desires) I think it would be great to live in several international destinations with them, or have them nearby. Beyond age 80 might be a problem, but below could be great for all. (If agreed). Mine would have loved it (kids and grandparents).

I would find a few ‘hubs’; safe, affordable, good access to regions you desire to live. Plan a few months years in each, depending on visa requirements. Many of the farm homes we stay have multiple residences, and a lot of international travelers would be keen on a few months housesitting gigs for you to use as extended family. We also volunteer at camps / international schools, and off season there is plenty of available housing, usually in gorgeous retreat destinations. Experiencing cross generational and cross cultural living will be very good for your kids. (And you).

Go for it! (Plan / wait till kids are age 5+. Age 8-14 is ideal and very fun.) We came back to USA when ours were age 12 - 14 (not by choice). Age 14, we taught them to build their own homes, (we all did it together, but kids had to draw the plans, get permits, and do the work requiring inspections. Grandparents helped too,!)
By age 16, they were in college. Age 18... they were long GONE and self sufficient.

Expect a few challenges, enjoy the journey together.
Life is VERY short.

Retire early... retire often.

When the kids are gone, work is a breeze (if you must work)

Warning... this may seriously affect your net worth and 95% of people / friends/ family will fear for you and your kids and your grandparents. While they are busy fretting.... just do it. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. For anyone.

[projectmaximus]

Originally Posted by hunterseat

Grandparents are invaluable and cannot be replaced. Cherish what time you have with them.

I respect your culture and wish mine cared more about their elders.

All of my grandparents had passed about 14 years ago. One of the big benefits of us moving to Miami is that my wife's grandparents are here and our son gets to see his great-grandparents often now. And really enjoys it.

Originally Posted by tmbf57

As a grandmother who is very attached to my grandchildren I would find it hard to be too far from them. We contemplated moving about 4 hours away from them recently but ultimately discarded the idea.

I know, I was one of the commenters

Originally Posted by tmbf57

So, I get your urge to travel and it's up to you but I did not find that being exposed to multiple locations enhanced my life in any way, if anything it made me more isolative. Externally I am very good in social situations in that I can appear very gregarious but in reality, other than DH, my sisters and my children, I have no friends at all. Not complaining about it just saying I agree with the other posters about too many moves.

I had the opposite experience, my parents kept me in Jax and pretty much in the same neighborhood for my entire childhood. To be honest, despite the fact that I actually do have a lot of friends and close relationships, I really don't have any current ones that trace back prior to high school. There are some, but those didn't really solidify until college or after.

Originally Posted by Yippeekayay

They probably paid for your college too. (Asians pay kids college, then asks kids to take care of them when old; Americans lets kids take college loans, then takes care of their own retirement).

Basically! In my defense I had scholarships that covered my tuition, room and board, and even study abroad programs and summer programs, while leaving me with some extra funds too But my parents did save quite a bit for my college and that money ended up going to launch my business.

Originally Posted by Yippeekayay

Having said that, while taking care of your parents, you are in a position for your kids/future kids to start an American tradition. Start them young by telling them when you are older, you would like to have an American retirement where you save for your future needs. This means that your children need not worry about you when you grow old.

My parents are extremely educated and built an amazing life for themselves and me through hard work. One of the best gifts they gave me was that they absolutely do not need me to take care of them financially. It is entirely about being there for them physically.

My wife's parents were not very educated and extremely poor, and they too built an amazing life for themselves through hard work. Likewise, they have also gifted my wife with not needing to provide for them financially. But we do plan to be there for them as well.

[StealthRabbit]

Originally Posted by projectmaximus

Yes we can delay. ... most of the places under consideration are such because of the network of family we have that we would like our kids to get to know. .... I am pretty certain they will willingly follow us within the US so no heartbreak in that instance. But to Asia, I do not know. I know they do not wish to move back (though they have been visiting for MONTHS every year or two...very strange) so it would be a tough decision for them whether to follow and for us whether to even go.

Good... keep the dream alive till it is realized!

You seem cognizant of risks and adaptable to needed changes.

We had no extended family... It was so great to see how our kids were embraced by the elderly and youth where we lived. Especially the international training schools (college aged international students]. They ‘adopted’ our kids and the interaction and vast learnings (adventures) were precious to all...

Consider doing a few months/ year, or a few months at a time if your parents prefer. In USA and Canada we have a lot of Church / Youth Camp connections that would be ideal ‘off season’ for extended family housing. Often near National Parks and other great destinations.

It is possible
Keep the dream alive.