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Clemencia, I share a house in retirement with a good friend of the opposite sex. He is a wonderful guy, and I know he thinks I am pretty good company. All that said, sharing a house with someone after years of living on my own is the hardest adjustment I have ever had to make. Those first couple of years, I doubt either of us thought it would last much longer. To go from making every decision on your own to having to discuss and negotiate and compromise on absolutely everything! Drives us both nuts. Everything from how you place dishes in the drainer to dealing with each other’s houseguests to answering (or not) the phone to the lingering smell of the soap used by the other person in the shared shower. Small household things that once were so simple and easy now are fraught with difficulties. It’s the price we each pay for company and for sharing some financial burdens.
After several years, the pleasure in the companionship has won out, and without ever being a romantic involvement, it is a great pleasure to have someone to talk to at home. The other night I was driving home after dark, and my friend had turned on the outside light. I started humming the lines from Bye Bye Blackbird - where somebody shines a light, I’ll be going home tonight. It was so nice that there was somebody there to shine that light. This doesn’t mean the irksome difficulties go away. We both have learned to pick our battles. And when we both pick the same battle, I suppose we've just figured out better how to deal with differences.
Anyway, I mainly wanted to write to validate your own experience. Sharing a house might be worth it, but it is hard. It’s not your imagination, it’s not being overly sensitive. It is hard.
This conversation comes up a few times a week when I am out and about with my female friends and sibling.
The divorced and widowed ones say they can never imagine living with a man again.
The married ones can't wait until their hubbies take off for a few days or even hours.
I'm not officially attached and live with a roommate - but this morning I had to agree with them.
Always asking me questions from the other side of the house. I have to get up and go ask what?
Taking forever to get ready to leave. We don't go anywhere together, but I prefer to leave the house after he is gone. He will leave doors open etc. Very absent minded.
He does a lot around here so I try to overlook this but after being asked ten times if I want something to eat after I said no in person and in text (a record he can review), it just drives me batty!!
Do men get irritated with their women? How do y'all cope.
I really don't want to get mad at him since he does do a lot around here. Just be quiet - lol. Stop asking questions.
Married doesn't mean joined at the hip. If you were with anyone, a room-mate, a friend, a spouse, 24/7, you'd need a break too. We all do. This isn't a bad thing. Though it is sad you know so many unhappy married couples. I don't care who leaves the doors open or closed here, no doubt pettiness can get in the way sometimes. We are all human.
However he is my best friend and we are going on a lot of adventures, and do what we want and when we want and when we are in the mood.
That's great, and I mean that sincerely. I would have loved to have had that kind of relationship. I'm guessing that either one of you initiates the adventure.
I've never had that. I made the mistake 25 years ago of choosing someone who was a high-functioning autistic. I knew something was wrong almost immediately but thought I could fix it and teach him to be social. No cure for autism, though, and I didn't even know he was HFA until two years ago, when all the pieces fell into place.
He says I'm his best friend but he is not mine, because he has no desire to be and doesn't grasp that other people might need intimacy and human connections. We don't make joint plans, because he is incapable of the kind of creativity that sparks adventures, unless it is something to do with his "special interests". His brain just doesn't work that way. I dream up stuff that I would like to do and he insists on tagging along, unfortunately. Once I made the mistake of mentioning that I would like to take a how-to-become-a-stand-up-comic 6-week class and he invited himself along, so I couldn't do it. Since humor is often born of pain, I'd thought about putting together a routine about the funny aspects of living with an autistic person. There are many here in Silicon Valley. It might have gained some traction.
There are a lot of things I would like to do alone but I can't, not at the moment. There are many things I can't do at home if he is there, because he watches me. If I'm loading the dishwasher, he stands off to one side and watches intently. Same for if I'm working, folding clothes, putting groceries away, whatever. It's not that he doesn't know how to do these things, as he's seen me do them hundreds of times. He just "likes to watch." It is creepy being spied on in your own home.
When we walk in public, I have to go first and he stays three paces behind me, head down. Every now and then I have a cruel impulse and stop suddenly. I'm not as good a person as I want to be.
When we first moved in together I asked him to do a certain task. He spat at me, "I'm not your <N-word>!" And that was it. For many years he didn't do a single household chore, not even clean up after himself. He still doesn't. There will be food droppings and liquid spillage on the counters and floors. Now if he feels like it and remembers to do it, he will sometimes run the dishwasher before going to bed. And he wants to be praised lavishly for every such activity.
He has no idea how to be married, even after 25 years and my increasingly frantic attempts to teach him. He hangs out only with single guys and (I'm assuming) pretends he's single, too. Not once in 25 years has it ever occurred to him to think of me during the day and send a loving note, or bring home a little something I might like. I mentioned this to him earlier in the evening and he sped off in his car, presumably in search of something. I got a text: "I did not find what I was looking for ..." I know I'm supposed to send him a supportive and praise-filled message in return, because he really believes that "it's the thought that counts" is something to live by. My thought is that he doesn't care enough to put in the effort but wants the rewards anyway. Very childlike.
He doesn't have facial expressions. There's a link between emotions and facial expressions that is apparently missing in some autists. He tells me he loves me. I don't believe it because I've never seen it. I've only seen the various kinds of uses he has for me.
Despite my many misgivings about him and my increasing frustration about being treated as the hired help, I thought we could retire together and maybe I could have a separate life in a bigger house. But I can see it won't turn out that way. He will still expect that I'll do everything, come up with every activity like perky Julie the cruise director, soothe his little boo-boos and be his seeing-eye dog so that he doesn't have to communicate directly with other people.
NOT the way I want to spend the rest of my life. Alone would be pure bliss. I took nearly two months leave of absence from our marriage last year. I've never been happier. Time to make it permanent.
We are quite happy most of the time. He is very intelligent and we talk about what's going on in the world every day. We both like to cook either together or separately. I do a lot of the traditional stuff like cleaning but one of the big reasons is that I need the exercise. I tend to jump and just do stuff to move. He does a lot of man stuff like change the oil/car stuff. He will always go to the store and pick up something I need.
He is competent and so am I. He knows I can do the car stuff and I know he can cook a meal whenever he wants one. It just works out. I probably do more than he does but most of that is due to my desire to be active.
We share an office. I write for pennies and he works on his music/composing. We get along really well and enjoy each other's company. I think we are better together than we would be apart. We go out a couple times a week and his music/gigs keeps me out and about the local music scene too. We are usually together.
That's great, and I mean that sincerely. I would have loved to have had that kind of relationship. I'm guessing that either one of you initiates the adventure.
I've never had that. I made the mistake 25 years ago of choosing someone who was a high-functioning autistic. I knew something was wrong almost immediately but thought I could fix it and teach him to be social. No cure for autism, though, and I didn't even know he was HFA until two years ago, when all the pieces fell into place.
He says I'm his best friend but he is not mine, because he has no desire to be and doesn't grasp that other people might need intimacy and human connections. We don't make joint plans, because he is incapable of the kind of creativity that sparks adventures, unless it is something to do with his "special interests". His brain just doesn't work that way. I dream up stuff that I would like to do and he insists on tagging along, unfortunately. Once I made the mistake of mentioning that I would like to take a how-to-become-a-stand-up-comic 6-week class and he invited himself along, so I couldn't do it. Since humor is often born of pain, I'd thought about putting together a routine about the funny aspects of living with an autistic person. There are many here in Silicon Valley. It might have gained some traction.
There are a lot of things I would like to do alone but I can't, not at the moment. There are many things I can't do at home if he is there, because he watches me. If I'm loading the dishwasher, he stands off to one side and watches intently. Same for if I'm working, folding clothes, putting groceries away, whatever. It's not that he doesn't know how to do these things, as he's seen me do them hundreds of times. He just "likes to watch." It is creepy being spied on in your own home.
When we walk in public, I have to go first and he stays three paces behind me, head down. Every now and then I have a cruel impulse and stop suddenly. I'm not as good a person as I want to be.
When we first moved in together I asked him to do a certain task. He spat at me, "I'm not your <N-word>!" And that was it. For many years he didn't do a single household chore, not even clean up after himself. He still doesn't. There will be food droppings and liquid spillage on the counters and floors. Now if he feels like it and remembers to do it, he will sometimes run the dishwasher before going to bed. And he wants to be praised lavishly for every such activity.
He has no idea how to be married, even after 25 years and my increasingly frantic attempts to teach him. He hangs out only with single guys and (I'm assuming) pretends he's single, too. Not once in 25 years has it ever occurred to him to think of me during the day and send a loving note, or bring home a little something I might like. I mentioned this to him earlier in the evening and he sped off in his car, presumably in search of something. I got a text: "I did not find what I was looking for ..." I know I'm supposed to send him a supportive and praise-filled message in return, because he really believes that "it's the thought that counts" is something to live by. My thought is that he doesn't care enough to put in the effort but wants the rewards anyway. Very childlike.
He doesn't have facial expressions. There's a link between emotions and facial expressions that is apparently missing in some autists. He tells me he loves me. I don't believe it because I've never seen it. I've only seen the various kinds of uses he has for me.
Despite my many misgivings about him and my increasing frustration about being treated as the hired help, I thought we could retire together and maybe I could have a separate life in a bigger house. But I can see it won't turn out that way. He will still expect that I'll do everything, come up with every activity like perky Julie the cruise director, soothe his little boo-boos and be his seeing-eye dog so that he doesn't have to communicate directly with other people.
NOT the way I want to spend the rest of my life. Alone would be pure bliss. I took nearly two months leave of absence from our marriage last year. I've never been happier. Time to make it permanent.
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like you need to do what you need to do to be happy for the remainder of your life.
I agree that it is a matter of personality. My husband and I have been married for over 30 years, and we are both introverts who require a LOT of alone time, but we talk more and have a much better relationship than most couples we have known. When we are together at home, we actually divide "computer time" (we only have one computer, which is in the den upstairs), and we normally only spend about three hours in the evening together (and a half-hour in the morning), BUT our evening time is quality time -- a relaxing homemade dinner, watching a DVD, and then a 30-minute walk with our dog. The only other time we spend together are doing errands on Saturday morning and taking vacations.
(But I know that would not be satisfactory for many couples.)
P.S. Neither of us have any kind of phone with texting capability and most of the time our phones are off, so when we are together, we are together and not distracted.
Last edited by katharsis; 07-10-2018 at 07:06 AM..
Can you elaborate on what it is that women do to irritate you? Older women in particular?
The perfect answer for this can be found in a three word clip from the movie The Gauntlet. Sadly, I can't find it on YouTube, at least not by itself. Fans of the movie will know to what I refer.
I don't think a gender-bashing thread is any more appropriate here than it is in the relationships forum, where it is expressly prohibited. But that is the direction in which you pointed your OP. I think what I've already said is enough for now.
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