The Snub .....making new friends in a 55+ community (moving, conversation, communities)
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About a year ago DH and I moved to a 55+ community and joined a few clubs. We have made some casual friends and have enjoyed several social events. And, we have gravitated to a few other couples.
I am happy here, although I still don’t have a close circle of “gal pals.” There is a circle of women I like who are good friends with eachother: they see eachother socially outside of our club — go to movies, have a little book club, have parties with their husbands in eachother’s homes. I like these ladies and at our club functions I usually sit with one or more of them. My DH and I have gone out to dinner a few times as couples with one of these women and her husband, too.. But I have not been invited to any “girl” events with them. But, this is not a huge problem — I have other social things I’m into and all these ladies have lived here 3+ years; we are only here a year.
But there is this one woman who, on every occasion where I am at a social function and tallking to one of “her circle” she will come up to us and immediately engage the other lady in a manner that excludes me. Example: last night she walked up to me and “Jane” and said to Jane: “Oh, I just can’t wait until the concert next week....we gals were sure lucky to get those tickets!” A little later, I was sitting with “Lilly” and says: “wow, isn’t the latest book we’re reading interesting....what did you think about that part, etc.”
All her conversations exclude me. And when I asked, “Oh what book? Etc.” I pretty much got the brush off.
Sooooo........suggestions?
I feel socially awkward in this situation............
She's a snooty ******. I'd get away from her if it were me. Don't subject yourself to her rudeness.
Or if you are brave enough, you could confront her nicely by saying
"I have noticed you always seem to ignore me when we are in a social situation. Have I done something to offend or is there some reason you'd like to share with me?"
That does appear as if she is trying to drive you away from “her” friends. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Just keep doing what you did, politely trying to engage her. The other people will see right through her tactics.
If they are decent people, they will then engage you to cancel out her actions. If not, why waste your time on them?
I got a taste of that snubbery once. It was very obvious, because the guy who cut me out of the people I was listening to literally cut me out, by barging in front of me and blocking me from the little circle, turning his back to me so I faced nobody. He had no cause for doing that; we had never interacted with each other. The only thing I could chalk it up to was pure racism. And this guy was trying to establish himself in a customer-oriented business. I looked up his name so I could dissuade anybody who was interested in his services.
This is so typical from what I have read and heard from folks. It is a reality in CCRC's independent living and there can be counter groups. So keep moving on and you will find a circle that probably doesn't like her. My understanding and feeling from CCRC socials (we get invited as future residents) is that single men can be seen as threats by each other.
That does appear as if she is trying to drive you away from “her” friends. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Just keep doing what you did, politely trying to engage her. The other people will see right through her tactics.
If they are decent people, they will then engage you to cancel out her actions. If not, why waste your time on them?
I got a taste of that snubbery once. It was very obvious, because the guy who cut me out of the people I was listening to literally cut me out, by barging in front of me and blocking me from the little circle, turning his back to me so I faced nobody. He had no cause for doing that; we had never interacted with each other. The only thing I could chalk it up to was pure racism. And this guy was trying to establish himself in a customer-oriented business. I looked up his name so I could dissuade anybody who was interested in his services.
Think you might be a threat now, just wait until you retire.
LOL, the one we've been part of for two years has its share of snobs and cliques. One group of academics (many still use their .edu email addresses) is particularly condescending because they claim to be the "founders" of the community -- as if the purchase date of their home affords them special social status. We've learned to deal with their rude behavior and my wife and I refer to them as "the Olympians".
Like the old blues song says, we're all waiting on that train home, and some of us don't hear that cosmic laughter. Associate with the people who make you happy and try to ignore the ones who don't.
It is much healthier to avoid being a follower and to avoid worry about what others are up to. Instead take charge of your own life and others can follow if they want.
Yes, the mean girls are alive and well in retirement villages!!
One solution is to create some activities where you do the inviting. Plan a coffee & dessert outing and invite the ladies you like. Do you have a community pool? Plan an afternoon relaxing by the pool. Suggest everyone bring a snack to share. In other words, YOU create some get togethers
As people move into new retirement developments friendships forge. New people move in and it takes time to be an “old” friend. I see it where I live too. But you can’t sit back hoping to be included.
It just takes one good friend for you to feel included. Maybe someone else new feels as you do.
Good luck. Those nasty women are petty, jealous and insecure.
About a year ago DH and I moved to a 55+ community and joined a few clubs. We have made some casual friends and have enjoyed several social events. And, we have gravitated to a few other couples.
I am happy here, although I still don’t have a close circle of “gal pals.” There is a circle of women I like who are good friends with eachother: they see eachother socially outside of our club — go to movies, have a little book club, have parties with their husbands in eachother’s homes. I like these ladies and at our club functions I usually sit with one or more of them. My DH and I have gone out to dinner a few times as couples with one of these women and her husband, too.. But I have not been invited to any “girl” events with them. But, this is not a huge problem — I have other social things I’m into and all these ladies have lived here 3+ years; we are only here a year.
But there is this one woman who, on every occasion where I am at a social function and tallking to one of “her circle” she will come up to us and immediately engage the other lady in a manner that excludes me. Example: last night she walked up to me and “Jane” and said to Jane: “Oh, I just can’t wait until the concert next week....we gals were sure lucky to get those tickets!” A little later, I was sitting with “Lilly” and says: “wow, isn’t the latest book we’re reading interesting....what did you think about that part, etc.”
All her conversations exclude me. And when I asked, “Oh what book? Etc.” I pretty much got the brush off.
Sooooo........suggestions?
I feel socially awkward in this situation............
You know...she's showing her insecurity when she does that. Something about you makes her want to prove she's superior to you. So...smile on the inside, and be your sweet self.
Maybe the next time snooty walks up, as you're talking to someone, Lily for example, say "Well, I see snooty walking over. Talk to you later." (Don't really say snooty, use whatever her name is. LOL)
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