Was it hard for you to adjust to being with your spouse more after retirement? (beach, spouses)

[ihatetodust]

It sounds like she tried to do what a "good wife" "should" do and you don't seem to appreciate the effort. Nevertheless I can understand you feel disappointed and wish you both best of luck.

[johnnybe]

Originally Posted by Reddog53

OP,

I do not understand why some are re-iterating that you moved her there when you knew that she wouldn't like it. I'm sure that you would not state that if it was not true. I am somewhat surprised that she didn't voice her concern, or that you did not get the feeling that she would not be happy there.

^^^THIS! ^^^

Originally Posted by Reddog53

OP,
I am a year from retiring and my husband four years and I have some of the same concerns. I am a little more outgoing than he, and he would prefer to work around the orchard/workshop. Occasionally, we go out with friends. We are both currently away from home for work 12+ hours a day with the commute each way. I do put in a lot of work to try and draw him into conversations. Both of us are not emotional, so pretty straightforward conversations.

I am so sorry that this is the situation in which you find yourself, but if it comes to separation (which I feel that it will), please do not be afraid. The constant stress of being in a relationship where both parties are so unhappy is not healthy. I believe that both of you would be happier apart as it seems that you both have tried multiple strategies. Been there, done that, in my first marriage. I'm sure that you have heard the expression..."Together, alone".

Don't worry, be happy....really does help to mend a soul that needs to live apart from another. And you both deserve that happiness, if not together, then apart.

Warm regards and wishing you the very best,
Reddog53

Thank you for reading and getting what I was saying and for your kind regards and encouragement.
I do love my wife but it's become clear to me she does not love me as much as I love her and it seems to me there is no real hope.

IF and when I can move back to the states we can maybe give it another try IF I can get a house with a man cave or make myself one and IF her affection returns. If not, I see no point in being married.

[mschrief]

I dont know your financials, but it may be "cheaper to keep her"...do you have income she could take 1/2 of?

[StealthRabbit]

adjust... Life changes, and will change again! count on it!

each find your own separate )peaceful) place if needed for the short term.

If she has a reasonable solution... consider it!!! (her return to USA and find a cheap place to live and go back to work)

We see each other FAR less AFTER retirement (eldercare / friends / family / FREEDOM / different interests and activities). We put few (minimal / NO demands on each other's time ) When we are together it is great, when we are apart we do not lament / worry / fret / nag.... Someday we will be together more, IF needed.. we will always have our own space. I am a FIRM believer in Men's Sheds / barns / shops / retreat within the home. Gals need it too! Recently in NZ, our hosts had a Ladies Cave (1200 sf cottage in back yard with covered porch and large craft room and small community kitchen and spare bedroom for guests / sleep overs (as retirees!!!) ) Of course the MENZ Shed was 10,000 sf workshop full of neat projects! NZ health ministry sponsors MeNZ Sheds in many communities. Other cultures are far more in tune to social needs of retirees.

[fluffythewondercat]

Originally Posted by johnnybe

Yes there is a reason.
But it was something I did not realize until moving here.
I planned for her to learn to drive here.
But here, the bad road and the rainy weather makes it VERY dangerous to drive; also bad drivers and lousy roads in general in this area.

Driving here even scares me, someone who's been driving for 47 years or so and is a very good driver!So unfortunately that idea had to be scrapped.

I’m sorry but what the heck were you thinking? I just don’t understand this.

We’ve spent a lot of this year looking for a retirement home in a certain Arizona town. Many of the most desirable properties are in natural desert settings. Some are on dirt roads. We drew the line at dirt roads, knowing they can be washed out in a desert monsoon. One of the houses we wanted to see is accessible only by 4 wheel drive. Not for us.

How were you thinking the two of you were going to get to medical appointments? What about emergencies? Or just going into town to shop?

Like I said, I just don’t get it.

[matisse12]

Some puzzling things occur with retirement decisions. Like buying a piece of land 40 miles from any town in Tennessee on a lake, but then eliminating that decision and ownership, and ending up in Las Vegas.

The OP seems to have been looking to very much escape psychologically and physically in retirement, hence, being where he currently is.

[vrexy]

Originally Posted by matisse12

Not everyone wants to drive. Nor is everyone a good competent driver.

Some people have no skills needed for driving or they fear it extensively or it makes them too nervous. Or they have spatial or depth perception problems. And if they know this about themselves and realize this about themselves, more power to them.

She wanting to live in a place with a good bus system is all she needs. She is to be admired for her position.

Many people do not drive in the world. And always trying to force people who do not wish to drive to do so is not right. Using public transit has benefits for cities and the environment. People who wish to live in places with good bus systems should be encouraged, not forced into a mold and conformist thinking with lack of knowledge about people who do not fit the mold.

I didn't see anyone post anything saying that she should be forced to drive. I asked if there was a reason that she couldn't drive and in no way implied that she should be forced to do so. Another poster basically said the same thing as I did, with no mention of force.

The OP responded to our questions with a very understandable reason that she can't learn to drive where they currently live due to very poor driving conditions.

I'm not sure why wanting to live somewhere with a good bus system is a reason to be admired. Yes, it's a practical way to solve certain transportation issues, but admirable is not a word I'd use to describe her choice.

[YorktownGal]

Originally Posted by johnnybe

I bought the property, with her knowledge and potential input all along during the search process for the "perfect property". She never said "I'd prefer you not buy out in the country." She was well aware during the whole buying process and she knew I was looking for property out in the country side, 6 miles from the city.

(She never said she didn't want to move here until after it was too late: after I bought it. After I quit my job and got on social security. After we needed to make our plans. We could NOT continue to live where we were living once I was on Social Security and she knew that!)


Now: She didn't tell me she really did not want to live here until the last 6 months before we moved, after I got on social security and gave my notice at my job and made plans to move...
So ... I was supposed to read her mind and know she didn't want to try living here??

Maybe you were so enthusiastic about this move that (1) she didn't want to disappoint you or (2) you were not listening.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she really thought she could make it work and realize too late that she couldn't survive there.

Instead of posting on a forum, what about real marriage counseling? Find a marriage counselor. If she resists, find a therapist for yourself. Posting here isn't going to help your communication with your wife.

[charlygal]

OP, has your wife had a voice throughout your marriage? Has she had a role in other major family decisions?

[Clemencia53]

maybe she was waiting for you to make the first move and file for divorce?