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Right now the plan is for her to leave again to be with her family, very soon, and I guess we'll just see what happens. I do not want to be alone here, and OUR plan is to sell out and move back to the states but that could take years...
Why could it take years for you to sell your property? Is it because it is not a desirable property, it is lacking certain things, the country and environment in which it is located is not particularly desirable, or buyers are rare?
She spent most of last year (like 9 months) with her family. I'd have thought that if she loved me she could put up with being here with me 3-6 months a year, but no, she hates it and instead of appreciating that I let her be away all that time she just seems to still resent that she has to be here AT ALL... and resent me for bringing her... (though she doesn't SAY that... all she says is "I don't know"...)...
1. You don't let your wife do anything. Your wife is a grown woman. She doesn't need your permission to do anything.
2. Funny how you don't have money for anything constructive yet you somehow can find the money to divorce.
Why could it take years for you to sell your property? Is it because it is not a desirable property, it is lacking certain things, the country and environment in which it is located is not particularly desirable, or buyers are rare?
Were you ever married before? If so, did you marry this lady because you thought you could control her since she was so naïve. I know it is a stereotype, but some American men do not like American women because they think they are too independent, so they go looking for someone that was raised in a "traditional" way. Then surprised they change. Happens with military guys.
Any religious organization has free marriage counseling. Go to a priest or minister and ask for help. They will help you themselves or will find a discounted marriage therapist for you.
I grieve for both of you. I know you're angry at your wife but she didn't hide the fact she wanted to live the urban life in the U.S. Your dreams clashed.
Yes, their dreams clashed. So the OP got exactly what he wanted and the wife got nothing she wanted, not even a bus line so she could get away from this chauvinist.
Why could it take years for you to sell your property? Is it because it is not a desirable property, it is lacking certain things, the country and environment in which it is located is not particularly desirable, or buyers are rare?
It can take forever! Took us 3 1/2 years to sell our rural property despite lowering the price a few times. For all the reasons you listed.
It's interesting to read people's opinions.
It's funny how many people make assumptions and jump to conclusions but that's the nature of these forums I suppose.
There is of course not a complete picture, not a complete profile of our entire marriage and all the complexities of it...
I of course do wear headphones though right now don't have and can't get the noise canceling ones. Honestly I doubt they'll work that well. I wear ear plugs sometimes and those don't work all that well either. The bottom line is that wearing headphones or ear pluts all the time is no way to live. Nor is her having to be quiet. IMHO.
Just for the record I do not make her "sit quietly". I never say anything about her long long talks on the telephone. But that's not to say they don't get on my nerves. I try to go out and do something or put on headphones when she is in talk mode. But again, it's just that we're not on the same page...
I DO compromise and make time to take her places. But it isn't enough for her. She wants to get "out and about" every day. And that's her right. But it's too much for me. We do try to compromise. I've been taking her out a lot more than I'd like. But it doesn't make me happy and isn't really making her happy either... so...?
She has been willing to separate or divorce or at least has said so, and it is me who is trying to save our marriage or at least I have been for the last year or so.
But it just seems now that there is so much resentment towards me for bringing her here, and she shows no warmth or affection towards me even though I do, her... that it seems relatively hopeless at this point. Seems no matter what I do I can't make her feel warm towards me any more, and her just being her, does tend to get on my nerves when we're together so much.
I'm surprised there aren't more people chiming in with problems with being with their spouses all the time after retirement!
I remember my grandpa who was a fireman and my grandma who was a housewife were constantly bickering and seemed to hate each other in retirement... My other grandparents didn't seem to have all that much to do with each other! But on the other hand I never saw them argue or anything...
I actually know several other couples who are going through a very similar thing as us right now though involving different circumstances. But they all seem to have the common elements of spending too much time together... and some basic incompatibilities that are more noticeable in retirement.
It sounds like divorce would be the easiest solution for both of you and, if she has already indicated that she would be okay with it, I think that says a LOT about the state of your marriage. Life is short. You should both do what makes you happy.
Most everyone who replied and didn't jump to wrong or mean conclusions, I rated positively.
Here are some replies to the latest posts so I don't have to reply a buncha times separately:
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"1. You don't let your wife do anything. Your wife is a grown woman. She doesn't need your permission to do anything.
2. Funny how you don't have money for anything constructive yet you somehow can find the money to divorce."
I know she can do what she wants. Any human can unless they are in prison or enslaved which my wife is not fyi. What "let her" means in this case is that I approved of her doing it and bought her the ticket there and back and tried to understand that she hated living here. Gee what a jerk I am for doing that, eh?
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"So what's her list of gripes against you? This post is one-sided. It takes two to tango."
This post is one-sided because usually when one presents a post about marriage problems both people don't participate in it.
She says I'm irritable and grumpy a lot. She's right but I have been more so since we moved here due to us being together 24/7 which this introvert simply cannot take.
She says I don't like to go anywhere any more which I explain to her is not because I don't want to go, often times, but because of the dangerous roads here and heavy rains and fog. She and I both nearly got killed twice driving here; never in the U.S. after 45 years or so of driving. It's simply more dangerous to drive here.
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"Anything will sell if the price is right.
The price might be to just give it away."
No it's just a slow market, lots of sellers, fewer buyers; and because the road has deteriorated so much instead of getting better no one wants to buy out here. They LOVE the property itself - as we do! But it's just the location is too far out (4miles) on a bad road that requires 4x4 and is too narrow in parts.
Sooner or later it will sell for a good price. But I will lower it quite a bit to sell sooner.
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"Were you ever married before? If so, did you marry this lady because you thought you could control her since she was so naïve. I know it is a stereotype, but some American men do not like American women because they think they are too independent, so they go looking for someone that was raised in a "traditional" way. Then surprised they change. Happens with military guys."
Lived with a couple women for years before, never had a problem of this sort. Both of my previous girlfriends were strong women and that was not a problem. Seems that if you complain about your wife doing things that bug you people brand you a chauvinist etc. Jheezh.
There are many things that you don't know about her or us and it's just not possible or practical to go into all of it on a thread like this. I just tried to give the outline of the situation without going into all her behaviors or all of mine, all the details etc...
As I mentioned in a previous post though, I actually have tried for 17 years to encourage her to be more independent, to learn to do things for herself and be more pro-active. She very much wants me to do everything for her and make her every decision for her.
Didn't know that, did you? I didn't want to go into all the details... but there you have that tidbit...
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"Any religious organization has free marriage counseling. Go to a priest or minister and ask for help. They will help you themselves or will find a discounted marriage therapist for you."
Thanks but I'm an agnostic/atheist. Not big on priests and ministers. Wife isn't either, really. IF we were back in the U.S. we could probably find a cheap/free legit marriage therapist but we're not and honestly I doubt it would help much at this point anyway. That's not saying we might not try in the future if we decide to try at all to save our marriage or not separate...
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"Yes, their dreams clashed. So the OP got exactly what he wanted and the wife got nothing she wanted, not even a bus line so she could get away from this chauvinist."
Yeah, poor thing spent almost the entire year wherever she wanted to be which was with family members, having fun while I stayed here and watched the house, worked on the property and could not leave because someone has t watch the house. I sucked it up and bought her a ticket to be with her family while I stayed here because I could see she hated it here so much and thought it was best for her. Real jerk of a husband, I'd say!
Hey staywarm2, I can't think of a comeback that won't get me punished by the powers that be, here, so I'll just say I think you jumped to conclusions that are not at all fair. Have a nice day.
For now we're going to separate. If we're able to find a home where I can have much more space - like a nice nearly sound-proof man cave or a separate building on the property to get my peace and quiet then maybe we'll try again... if she wants to.
Divorce is not at this time desired by either of us. It could ruin me financially as I'm living on Social Security and splitting half would not allow either of us to buy a decent home ... So we'll play it by ear and see what happens. For now I think we both just need to live our separate lives.
Thanks to all for the feedback. I suppose even the conclusion-jumpers served some purpose; not sure what yet tho'. ;-D
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Last edited by johnnybe; 07-19-2018 at 08:19 PM..
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