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Old 09-11-2018, 03:36 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
4,920 posts, read 4,226,093 times
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We eventually moved my MIL (85 at the time) in with us after we retired and she was getting to the point where she wasn't happy living in her independent living place. We knew we were going to move out of state in a year or so, and she was going to have to come with us. She stayed in our guest room. Things were fine. And she was with us for about a year and a half. Despite her minor level of dementia, she was still responsible and capable of being alone for a day or two if we wanted to get away. She couldn't drive though, but we did have a friend in the neighborhood who could check in on her while we were gone.

We all moved to TN, and we were renting while shopping for a permanent home, trying to find one with a first floor MIL suite, or two masters. Before we found a home to buy, she wanted to try going back into IL. So we did that for a year or so until it became necessary for her to go to AL for her dementia. She could no longer manage her meds, and was acquiring some minor hoarding issues. It wouldn't have worked to have her at home anymore because we couldn't trust her not to leave the gas stove on, or wander out and get lost in the neighborhood.

I think it all depends on what mom's issues are. When dementia is involved, there comes a time when round the clock supervision is necessary, and that can take a toll on your own life and marriage.
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Old 09-11-2018, 09:20 PM
 
Location: middle tennessee
1,829 posts, read 852,910 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oldsoldier1976 View Post
My MIL has lived with us since 2004 and while I might be a unique person who likes my MIL it is frustrating at times. I have had to learn to bite my tongue and usually let my wife do most of the dealing with her mother living in the same house can be fun as well. I laugh every time I see MIL go out the back door to play in the back garden then come in through that same door only to go out the front door to play in the front garden. Doing this two or three times in an hour does lend itself to some laughs. My advice though is to have patience and let spouse handle their parent and stay out of the way unless it requires you to be there.


its bad luck to go out one door and in another
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Old 09-12-2018, 06:10 PM
 
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Thanks for all the good comments and insight. There are certainly lots of legal and financial issues to consider. All 3 of us will be consulting with an attorney together beforehand to sort them out. It definitely looks to be a win-win for her and us in many ways.

As far as who will be living where in the house, we are thinking that she would stay in the main house and we would live in the in-law suite at least for as long as she can get up and down the stairs. The thinking being that we want to keep it as normal as possible for her for as long as possible.

We looked into the full kitchen thing but found out that it would make it a 2 family house which it is not zoned for. We really didn't want to go that route because it would require a much bigger addition that we do not want long term or want to have to pay taxes on after she is gone. Our current plan is for a bedroom, large bath, large walk-in closet, office and sitting area, all of which would be a nice addition to the house and useful after she is gone.

As far as personalities go, I love my MIL, she doesn't have a bad bone in her body but living with her is definitely going to be challenging. For one, she has very low emotional intelligence and reacts to every trail and tribulation, no matter how small or trivial, in the same manner - as if a loved had just been airlifted off the highway and she was told to get to the hospital right away. This unfortunately is not much of an exaggeration. She lets every little thing rob her of her piece and joy. It gets old, espcially when we are dealing with much problems in our lives and not sharing any of it with her. She is also one to vocalize every thought that comes into her head. Fortunately there will be many places for me to escape to and as someone said, I will be leaving my wife with the responsibility of handling and managing her mother. I'll manage the building and grounds department.

As one poster said, 3 yeas from now is a long time and things can and will change between now and then.

Last edited by nebloke; 09-12-2018 at 06:19 PM..
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Old 09-12-2018, 07:48 PM
 
Location: VT; previously MD & NJ
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What my brother did when his MIL needed to move in with them was to buy a 4 bedroom house, combined 2 of the bedrooms into one large area that was a bedroom, sitting room, and small kitchenette area. They added a bathroom attached to that "suite." But she still had full use of the rest of the house.
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Old 09-13-2018, 07:11 AM
 
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, originally from SF Bay Area
28,436 posts, read 50,666,198 times
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At that age my MIL was having problems with falling, and we considered the option of moving her in with us. We decided that it would not be at all helpful for her health, because we both work all day, so she would still be alone much of the day.

We hired a social worker nurse to do the research and find us some adult family homes to visit, chose one, and she was happy there for 14 years before she passed at age 95. In her case there was only social security so after a few months of paying we managed to get her onto Medicaid. That place now charges about $5,000/month for private pay residents.
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