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Wonder who initiates these gray divorces? Probably 50/50?
You would think the husband, since the dating scene for them improves dramatically after 50, deteriorates for women. If your wife doesn't want you sexually anymore, there are plenty who might. If your husband lot his desire for you, that's tougher.
more Social Security money after both are single. so they just live together with more money.
Yes how do you figure that? SS does not change because you get divorced. Either you both have your own SS amounts or one of you is collecting on the others record, in either case the amounts don't change.
ReachTheBeach: If you see a lawyer first, you are the initiator. Does that pose a problem for you? I noticed when you were telling your "side of the story", you failed to mention your alcohol problem. That is an important part of your story.
You have written about this situation frequently. Maybe it's time to stop talking and do something?
Good luck. You might be surprised how much better you will feel to get this done.
Yes, I have had off and on trouble with drinking. A year into my current sobriety that I am committed to making last much longer - hopefully life long - I asked her how long it would take before she would trust me again and she said she never will. Maybe I deserve that; I don't know.
I think it is the initial discussion and painful transition I fear.
One of my friends just got divorced at 70. Her husband had started to be grouchy all the time, wouldn't take care of his health, and was drinking too much. It wasn't a first marriage for either of them. They tried counseling, but it didn't help. My friend loves being alone and not catering to the whims of a grumpy man, but at the same time she misses having a partner to travel with. I wouldn't be surprised if she married again eventually.
Yes, I have had off and on trouble with drinking. A year into my current sobriety that I am committed to making last much longer - hopefully life long - I asked her how long it would take before she would trust me again and she said she never will. Maybe I deserve that; I don't know.
I think it is the initial discussion and painful transition I fear.
She has a valid point, Reach.
Once trust is broken ( in a big way or any way) it most likely will never be regained.
My OH didnt get until the breakdown, that i have not and had not trusted my OH once caught cheating.
I dont trust my OH to tell me the truth at all. There were too many lies surrounding the initial cheating, then continued lies even though i "agreed to the open relationship ".
In counseling, i asked to know why. My spouse said that lying became easy to cover up the truth, and figured id never know and wouldn't be hurt by a lie. I explained the lying hurt me more than the truth. After all. I had agreed to the open relationship, why lie now?
Theres a lot of sordid details im leaving out in our story, but once trust is broken, it's very hard for the offender to EVER be trusted again.
Maybe in your case a divorce would be better. I dont know.
My spouse has claimed not to have lied to me for a couple years now, since the breakdown, but how can i trust that THAT is the truth????
(Especially when unexplainable things still come up.)
Best of luck if you want to work it out, but only time and showing her you mean your word might, big might, help your marriage. And time may not be a luxury you have.
OMG galaxyhi you've blown my mind. It's difficult for me to understand why people get divorced after decades of marriage. I met this poor man who was in his late 70's when his wife decided to divorce him, He told me that he doesn't even know why she divorced him. He would sit out on his porch drinking every time I would walk the dogs. I started talking to him and I think he enjoyed playing with the dogs. We drank Mai Tai's one night on one of my late night bike rides until 3am. I didn't get much riding in that night. He was mega rich and the commander of a yacht club in Chicago. He had a couple of businesses that he had to close because of the divorce. He lives in a modest home but he still drives a new Lincoln. He talks about his past a lot when I visit him, and I've known him for 3 years now. I think he still misses the good old days and would rather have stayed married in that gated community with his big house and in ground pool. That being said he seems content now after 3 years of living alone. I asked him once if he would take his ex back if she wanted a do over. He said that he would have to think about it, but probably. I just think it's sad when one wants the marriage and the other doesn't. I wish I could hear her side of the story.
I understand how years of resentment can fester and destroy love, but, there's something to be said for good communication as well. That skill seems to get lost in the din of day to day living for some, and it's easy to grow apart.
Because, for one thing, i enjoy the company of others. I spent the first 36 years of my life alone. I dont really want to spend the next 36 ( if i have that long) alone.
For another thing, im bipolar and deep deep deep suicidal depression sets in if im left alone to my own devices.
As i said, you can at least try to work things out, we often dont realize how much we have changed as well as our partner. WE may be one the one the spouse cant live with.
In my case, to air a bit of dirty laundry, the crux of the story is::: the issue was my spouse running off and cheating, even though we had a strong sex life. Then when caught wanting an " open relationship " and "spice and variety". I figured, like Hillary Clinton said to Oprah, " the good times were far better than the bad" and i figured my OH would go spread some wild oats and come back home to roost. The coming home always came, every night actually, but it was the going out part that was the problem.
But now, age is taking its toll on my spouse. Who is home more than not. Lol im still younger!
During that time, i was alone in a marriage, just almost as if i was single.
3 years ago, after 9 years of this, i said if you can do it, so can i. And put up a dating profile. Youd be surprised how many are in such relationships. Unfortunately my spouse could not handle that an open relationship works both ways. And had a nervous breakdown, literally. Had to be medicated and all. Lol i have far more interest in me than my OH had, that meant jealousy reared its ugly head.
It was then i said thered be a divorce if we didnt try therapy and counseling. My spouse actually showed up to both, but after a while of being told was wrong one in pur situation, declined to go more.
I dont know if i could handle another such cheater in a new relationship or marriage.
As i said, i know what im dealing with. That i guess i can handle instead of the unknown again.
I have a "significant other " regularly, and occasional flings on the side thats just fine. My SO and my spouse get along too, though they're just friends who have me in common.
Thsts my story. Im sticking to it.
It may not work for everyone, but working out problems i think is better for me than being alone and "seeing what cones along". Id be dead before long.
As i said, i now know who and what im dealing with.
Been there, done that and dont need to do it again.
Neither joint counseling nor separate therapy helped us. In retrospect, I believe the issues were beyond the scope of what psychologists routinely see, coupled with once-in-a-lifetime complications like being on the cusp of retirement and trying to recover from my MIL's death.
What's helping us now is establishing a model for our marriage. A few days ago I came up with a sports metaphor, something everybody understands even if they never played a sport. I told him, "From now on, we are Team Anderson. I will order polo shirts for us embroidered with that logo. We work as a team, we make decisions as a team, we don't withhold information from each other. I want your advise and counsel but I am team leader. I will have final say on what house to buy, where to go on vacation, how to invest our money, etc."
Some people are going to think that sounds awful -- I would have been one of them a year ago. But this is what he wants. It's what he needs. And he loves the idea of the matching polo shirts. Go figure.
Last edited by fluffythewondercat; 10-01-2018 at 11:45 AM..
Yes, I have had off and on trouble with drinking. A year into my current sobriety that I am committed to making last much longer - hopefully life long - I asked her how long it would take before she would trust me again and she said she never will. Maybe I deserve that; I don't know.
I think it is the initial discussion and painful transition I fear.
This will sound harsh, no doubt, but it's time for you to stop putting yourself first. Your wife has suffered a long time, too. It's clear to me she is no longer a willing participant in marriage.
I don't think anyone goes into a divorce with a smile on their face. Or a confident feeling you will land on your feet.
But you are a big boy now. An adult. Time to risk those things you fear. Just do it.
You will survive. And good luck.
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