U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-29-2018, 02:59 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,783 posts, read 4,836,241 times
Reputation: 19448

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Axxlrod View Post
You and your wife are enablers. The "deadbeat" siblings keep calling because you answer their questions. Who's the real fool here?????

Your answer to the question of "Are there any Holloween events in my city?" Should have been, "I don't know. I don't live there. Figure it out yourself." But instead, you literally googled holloween events in that city, and give him the answers.
^^^Exactly! Why would you google what he should do with his kids in his town? Not your circus, not your monkeys. Just say "I don't know, why don't you google it?" And then STOP. Don't do it for him or he'll never learn. Just say what you mean. If you don't want to drive 5 hours and do all the work for a random dinner, say "I'm sorry that's a really long drive for us, and we hadn't planned for that this week. Have fun and we'll see you at Thanksgiving".

NO is a complete sentence. You seem to be as guilty in this scenario as the wife.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-29-2018, 03:41 PM
 
5,426 posts, read 3,449,470 times
Reputation: 13709
It's amazing how many people do not know how to use google. And also never think of google for finding information about everything and anything.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-29-2018, 03:44 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,783 posts, read 4,836,241 times
Reputation: 19448
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
It's amazing how many people do not know how to use google. And also never think of google for finding information about everything and anything.
If they have a smartphone or a computer, it takes about only a few minutes to learn. Teach these folks to fish, or you'll be fishing for them forever.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-29-2018, 04:06 PM
 
510 posts, read 304,815 times
Reputation: 2507
Yes. Like the OP they were not exactly dead-beats but they have always been shockingly unprepared. It cost me a lot of money because one involved a serious ailment + unemployment + trying to avoid losing medical insurance during the crisis (which if said sibling had lived his life the way I had told him to 30-40 years ago would have been financially covered! But NOoOoOOO!)

So I picked up the tab till his State expanded medicaid.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-29-2018, 07:33 PM
 
1,191 posts, read 353,972 times
Reputation: 3723
Sometimes it's best to play dumb. ;-)
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-29-2018, 08:33 PM
Status: "I am Blessed." (set 6 days ago)
 
Location: Spurs country. "Go, Spurs, Go!"
3,407 posts, read 3,967,441 times
Reputation: 8786
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post
My wife is talking about delaying our planned 2020 retirements. She gives the reason as we don't yet have firm plans in place to consume our time after retirement, plus the ubiquitous big unknown if we truly have enough saved for any future situation in retirement.


I feel her real worry is that she fears all of our planned time for ourselves in retirement will be consumed by her dead-beat siblings. Dead-beat is probably not the proper term as some are financially self supporting but none of them seem able to do anything for themselves. For example, late Saturday afternoon she received a call from her youngest brother asking if there were any Halloween activities that evening for his toddler daughter in the city where they live - TWO HOURS AWAY FROM US! I immediately did a web search on my smart phone and told her of one 'Trunk Or Treat' activity that was close to my B-I-L's house and not yet started. He owns a smart phone and could have performed the same search in about the same time it required to call my wife.


He called back two hours later thanking us, saying how great it was, and wondering how we knew of it. Just use your own smart phone!


I keep telling her to not answer her cell phone when they call, but with her mother having just turned 80 and in poor health there is an always present fear any call may be about her Mom's passing or another hospitalization.


She assures me that after her Mom's passing our involvement with her siblings will significantly decrease, and there are definite signs she will be firm in that resolve. She refused an invitation to a quickly planned family dinner yesterday because it would have required 5 hours of drive time for us, plus all of the expected labor for us to do set-up, clean-up, and other tasks. Can you drive 5 hours to clean the house and then do the dishes, while the other four siblings watch TV?


Just venting a little. I already know the answer to this problem. Have others faced it too?
Wanna bet? You just said in a following post that she is the oldest and there are 4, count 'em, 4, siblings, they will be on her like white on rice even more once the mother passes away. She will become their surrogate mother....read: rescuer/protector/bank.

Get it nipped in the bud NOW.

Last edited by Lodestar 77; 10-29-2018 at 08:44 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-29-2018, 09:33 PM
 
1,734 posts, read 1,949,340 times
Reputation: 3901
Good luck. I also have a needy sister. I'd love to be generous and gay (happy), but I've got two Millennials who are not quite launched yet and my first duty is to them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-29-2018, 10:35 PM
 
1,550 posts, read 402,290 times
Reputation: 2896
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post


I feel her real worry is that she fears all of our planned time for ourselves in retirement will be consumed by her dead-beat siblings. Dead-beat is probably not the proper term as some are financially self supporting but none of them seem able to do anything for themselves. For example, late Saturday afternoon she received a call from her youngest brother asking if there were any Halloween activities that evening for his toddler daughter in the city where they live - TWO HOURS AWAY FROM US! I immediately did a web search on my smart phone and told her of one 'Trunk Or Treat' activity that was close to my B-I-L's house and not yet started. He owns a smart phone and could have performed the same search in about the same time it required to call my wife.
You enabled him. I wouldn't do a search at all. I wouldn't pick up the phone call when they call, because if it is important, they would leave voicemail. If the voicemail is to give you future secretarial work like this task, I'd delete the voicemail and not return the phone call. They will figure it out to be resourceful themselves or not, but don't be a crutch for them. That's the heart of the problem right there. Why bother thinking when they can contact you and you jump to solve their problems each time. No friends would do this, because they wouldn't remain friends for long.

I have a relative who invites us to stupid vacation ideas all the time which would involve us flying somewhere inconvenient and staying in a hotel for a destination which we find neither appealing or interesting. We say thanks for thinking of us but we simply don't find that for us, but "you have a good time". It's our money and our time, don't let someone else rob you of that. Doesn't matter if it's family, no reason to allow yourself to be abused.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-29-2018, 10:38 PM
 
1,550 posts, read 402,290 times
Reputation: 2896
Quote:
Originally Posted by rocafeller05 View Post
Maybe her BIL wanted to come visit you guys?

I get it that you dont like them, but keep in mind they are her family!
Which means exactly what? That they are permitted to be abusive and by making secretarial demands on their time? Think about this, would you expect good friends to treat you like this too? Of course not, unless you have extremely low self-esteem, or you have an ego problem where you think you must show-off how smart you think you are.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-29-2018, 10:52 PM
 
1,550 posts, read 402,290 times
Reputation: 2896
Quote:
Originally Posted by ABQ2015 View Post
Not to be rude but the problem seems to be your wife, not your in-laws. You are capable of saying no but she is not. I have no advice - maybe some of the married folks can chime in. But it sounds like you have made some progress in convincing her to be more assertive.

My older brother and I also have some issues with a few siblings who need financial help from time to time or may so in the future. It gives my SIL fits but her family is a similar mess. I figure these people are in my will and will get my money eventually.
We all had the same opportunities growing up. If the others didn't spend their time wisely learning and planning for retirement, it isn't up to the rest of the family to take care of them. Any modest amount of IRA and/or 401(k) contributions over a long period of time (30 years+) should net anyone regardless of their income to be able to retire without depending on anyone else. You don't need to be a wizard of wall street to achieve this.

A fellow I know who works in banking was telling me about his BIL (brother-in-law). The BIL is 50 years of age and has NEVER worked. He has managed to get money from his parents and now his brothers and sisters to live. The BIL is the youngest in the family and everyone continues to treat him like he is still a kid in high school. He apparently has been couch-surfing between family members for years. He told me he came home from work just as his BIL was leaving and found out his wife wrote the guy a check. I told him, you should never write the guy a check again no matter what his circumstances are, because people like that resent you and are laughing behind your back. They think you are such a sucker for working and "worrying about money all the time" because they never worked or managed any of it. Those times when you help them out, they complain privately that you should have given them more and how you don't do enough for them because you have so much.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top