U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-30-2018, 11:59 AM
 
29,764 posts, read 34,848,700 times
Reputation: 11675

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by ABQ2015 View Post
Not to be rude but the problem seems to be your wife, not your in-laws. You are capable of saying no but she is not. I have no advice - maybe some of the married folks can chime in. But it sounds like you have made some progress in convincing her to be more assertive.

My older brother and I also have some issues with a few siblings who need financial help from time to time or may so in the future. It gives my SIL fits but her family is a similar mess. I figure these people are in my will and will get my money eventually.
They are his inlaws and his wife's sisters/brothers. Maybe she encourages it because she likes them and want to see and spend time with them. Her husband doesn't so they work at manufacturing reasons to get together.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-30-2018, 01:08 PM
 
2,677 posts, read 1,069,237 times
Reputation: 5167
I don't see a problem with in-laws calling your wife and asking the question you told us about.
Perhaps it was a way for them to have an excuse to get in touch with her. Very nice they called back and thanked your wife and it's great they had such a nice time.

If your wife is insecure about your position in retirement make an appointment for the both of you to meet with a financial planner. Perhaps there IS more to do to make sure you are ready in 2020. Or, just as well, she might be assured that you are in good shape.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2018, 01:54 PM
 
Location: Albuquerque NM
1,656 posts, read 1,521,066 times
Reputation: 3627
Quote:
Originally Posted by TuborgP View Post
They are his inlaws and his wife's sisters/brothers. Maybe she encourages it because she likes them and want to see and spend time with them. Her husband doesn't so they work at manufacturing reasons to get together.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty61 View Post
I don't see a problem with in-laws calling your wife and asking the question you told us about.
Perhaps it was a way for them to have an excuse to get in touch with her. Very nice they called back and thanked your wife and it's great they had such a nice time.

If your wife is insecure about your position in retirement make an appointment for the both of you to meet with a financial planner. Perhaps there IS more to do to make sure you are ready in 2020. Or, just as well, she might be assured that you are in good shape.
I agree with both of you. My initial reply about the wife not being able to say no was directed more to MI-Roger's previous posts about being expected to do home repairs and yardwork for in-laws and host in-laws for weekend visits at the last minute, loan them money, etc. After I posted, MI-Roger also clarified that his wife was older than her siblings and had acted as a mother figure to them. Calling to ask about where to take a 2 year old for Halloween was probably just an excuse to make contact. And the in-laws inviting the OP for a family gathering may just be their way of making sure that the OP is included - they may not actually expect the OP to make the 5 hour trip. My older brother is our family patriarch. If I had a question about home or car repairs or financial matters, I might give him a call as he is very experienced in these matters. It would also be a way of staying in touch with him.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2018, 02:41 PM
 
1,541 posts, read 399,025 times
Reputation: 2882
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
Then next time you say "Hey, remember the time we used Google to find the info you wanted? Yeah? Well, this is another job for Google."
You have to remove yourself from their radar or you'll continue to be contacted. "Couldn't find it with Google, you are much better at those things...see if you can find a...". People like that aren't asking for help because they don't know how to do it, they are asking for it because they don't want to learn. There is a big difference. Apparently they have a pattern of doing this behavior.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2018, 03:06 PM
 
8,820 posts, read 5,119,154 times
Reputation: 10086
Quote:
Originally Posted by rummage View Post
You have to remove yourself from their radar or you'll continue to be contacted. "Couldn't find it with Google, you are much better at those things...see if you can find a...". People like that aren't asking for help because they don't know how to do it, they are asking for it because they don't want to learn. There is a big difference. Apparently they have a pattern of doing this behavior.
You are so right. I should have suggested that OP hop in a Vulcan spaceship, slingshot around the sun, and go back in time to not help them. How fortunate that you came along to correct me; thank you so much.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2018, 03:12 PM
 
Location: Ohio
19,875 posts, read 14,217,545 times
Reputation: 16064
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post
My wife is talking about delaying our planned 2020 retirements. She gives the reason as we don't yet have firm plans in place to consume our time after retirement, plus the ubiquitous big unknown if we truly have enough saved for any future situation in retirement.

I feel her real worry is that she fears all of our planned time for ourselves in retirement will be consumed by her dead-beat siblings.
What I'm hearing is your wife wants her retired life filled with activities to consume her time so that it will provide a very convenient excuse for her to say "NO" to her siblings and not feel overwhelmed with guilt.

It would be much simpler if she just learned how to say "NO."

It would be even easier if she just learned how to say "NO" without feeling guilty, and there are therapists for that. Her employer's health insurance would probably pay for it.

You've been married to her for what, decades? So, why does she feel guilty? Why does she believe she "owes them" and is obligated to jump every time they say "jump"?

I mean, what person in the right mind would even entertain the idea of driving 5 hours at the last minute to play house-maid to their siblings? That is really bizarre.

There's a lot more going on here, and it would benefit you both to understand why.

If you want to do things in retirement, that's your prerogative, and I'm 100% on-board all for that, but you need to be doing things for the right reason(s), and doing busy-work to avoid doing other things is all the wrong reasons.

Believe me, she is not going to enjoy even one minute if she's feeling guilty about avoiding her siblings, so all the busy-work is for naught.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2018, 04:42 PM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,595 posts, read 4,674,480 times
Reputation: 27789
Quote:
Originally Posted by Petunia 100 View Post
You are so right. I should have suggested that OP hop in a Vulcan spaceship, slingshot around the sun, and go back in time to not help them. How fortunate that you came along to correct me; thank you so much.

Well, some people post gently to C-D. Others attack it with a hatchet.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-30-2018, 08:16 PM
 
1,541 posts, read 399,025 times
Reputation: 2882
Quote:
Originally Posted by Over the hill gang View Post
I begged him to go to rehab but again he refused.
That's the problem right there. They fail to admit they have a problem, and won't even meet you half-way to help them. People who call up asking for money to solve their problem, the money never does. At the root of their problem isn't the money, it is how they are ruining their own lives and sadly the people around them.

The worst thing that impacts the financial stability of retired people are allowing themselves to be talked into giving their retirement money to family and friends. I've been told his by a financial expert. They don't simply run out of money, they end up being pressured to give it to others. This is because those people think retired people are rich and can afford to do this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-06-2018, 07:23 AM
 
792 posts, read 210,322 times
Reputation: 1322
I didn't have any problem with siblings but I did have an issue with neighbor thinking my newly retired time was available for the asking of the most mundane chores . . . decorating her daughter's high school gym for the prom, driving her friend's spouse to and from work when he had a foot injury. I always said "no thanks" or "I'll let you know" to nip things in the bud and also mentioned that I didn't want to take work away from someone who could be hired for the job and needed the pay.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-06-2018, 07:42 AM
 
12,100 posts, read 6,680,435 times
Reputation: 12950
I used to do that kind of stuff for people, I figured I was just being helpful and they would be helpful if I needed something. LOL.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top