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Old 11-02-2018, 08:23 PM
 
Location: Southern California
23,644 posts, read 8,219,173 times
Reputation: 15437

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My only child is close by and I hardly ever see her. She treats me like she's my boss...I don't need that. She's of the belief if I had a knee replacement I'd be so much better off...she has no clue how I deal with a botched hip replacement...to keep doing surgeries in not in my M.O.

We have to let go and stop expecting and then no disappointments.

They need us when they are young and growing and when adults, not so much. Which is good too. So many are burdened with family issues. Talk about stress.

I like "no news is good news" and know that I don't need to know everything that goes on in their lives. My parents surely didn't know all that was in my life when they were alive.

Hang on and let them live their lives.
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Old 11-02-2018, 08:26 PM
 
605 posts, read 188,327 times
Reputation: 638
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaminhealth View Post
My only child is close by and I hardly ever see her. She treats me like she's my boss...I don't need that. She's of the belief if I had a knee replacement I'd be so much better off...she has no clue how I deal with a botched hip replacement...to keep doing surgeries in not in my M.O.

We have to let go and stop expecting and then no disappointments.

They need us when they are young and growing and when adults, not so much. Which is good too. So many are burdened with family issues. Talk about stress.

I like "no news is good news" and know that I don't need to know everything that goes on in their lives. My parents surely didn't know all that was in my life when they were alive.

Hang on and let them live their lives.
So sorry to hear this
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Old 11-02-2018, 08:37 PM
 
3,537 posts, read 1,344,614 times
Reputation: 6928
our son is 31.
he is in DC where the action is.

we do not call or email. all text with him. he is doing good (well?) and it shows.
with his last promotion, i asked him if he will now start sending us money
just like we did when he was in college. he answered, "sure. will $40 do?"
we both lol'ed in text. long ago we let him go. he can handle it.
his only soft spot is our 16-year-old dog.
she walked the aisle at his wedding.
(bride's dog did, too)
so, now i text him
as if i am our dog.
it works for us.
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Old 11-02-2018, 08:48 PM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
6,119 posts, read 9,071,114 times
Reputation: 11540
Quote:
Originally Posted by turkeydance View Post
our son is 31.
he is in DC where the action is.

we do not call or email. all text with him. he is doing good (well?) and it shows.
with his last promotion, i asked him if he will now start sending us money
just like we did when he was in college. he answered, "sure. will $40 do?"
we both lol'ed in text. long ago we let him go. he can handle it.
his only soft spot is our 16-year-old dog.
she walked the aisle at his wedding.
(bride's dog did, too)
so, now i text him
as if i am our dog.
it works for us.
What a great post ! What is your(the dogs) name? Will he come back for a funeral when the time comes?
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Old 11-02-2018, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Prescott AZ
6,119 posts, read 9,071,114 times
Reputation: 11540
Quote:
Originally Posted by BumbleBeeHunter View Post
With all due respect, this is highly unusual. Something has happened to sever both of your relationships with your adult children. If I were you, as their loving parent, i would learn why this occurred.
I believe this happens more than you realize. I certainly would NOT be interested in the reasons why, at this point in life. It is what it is.
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Old 11-02-2018, 09:06 PM
 
605 posts, read 188,327 times
Reputation: 638
Quote:
Originally Posted by AZgarden View Post
I believe this happens more than you realize. I certainly would NOT be interested in the reasons why, at this point in life. It is what it is.
I was commenting on it occurring with Both children. She only has two children.
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Old 11-02-2018, 09:12 PM
 
6,306 posts, read 5,042,575 times
Reputation: 12805
Quote:
Originally Posted by turkeydance View Post
our son is 31.
he is in DC where the action is.

we do not call or email. all text with him. he is doing good (well?) and it shows.
with his last promotion, i asked him if he will now start sending us money
just like we did when he was in college. he answered, "sure. will $40 do?"
we both lol'ed in text. long ago we let him go. he can handle it.
his only soft spot is our 16-year-old dog.
she walked the aisle at his wedding.
(bride's dog did, too)
so, now i text him
as if i am our dog.
it works for us.
this is so cute!!!
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Old 11-02-2018, 09:18 PM
 
1,181 posts, read 350,069 times
Reputation: 3714
What's that old saying? A son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. I don't think that is necessary true, but some children stay emotionally closer than others. All you can do is tell him you care as much about him as his sister even if you don't see him as often.
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Old 11-02-2018, 09:51 PM
 
Location: Silicon Valley
18,081 posts, read 22,914,959 times
Reputation: 35196
My daughter decided in 2013 that she really didn't want to have anything to do with me. I have consulted friends and professionals as to whether or not I deserved this. The consensus is no, I did not.

I can't control what's happening in my daughter's life. If she chooses not to talk to me, or tell me why she's not talking to me, there is nothing I can do about that.

If she won't tell me what I supposedly did wrong or not, or if she is just ashamed of whatever is happening in her life, or if there is some boyfriend involved who is convincing her to stay away from her family members, there's nothing I can do about that, either.

If your kids don't engage with you, don't give you any clue as to why they aren't in touch with you, don't even argue with you, etc., - there is nothing you can do about it.

I suffered immensely from 2013 until I finally decided to let her go just a few months ago in 2018. And I can tell you it was five years of absolute, devastating, gut-wrenching, horrible, nightmarish torment and pain. There really isn't a description that can portray the immense, debilitating pain I went through for about 5 years, while doing everything I could to try to have a decent relationship with my daughter.

I have finally come to a point where I can let her go. I have friends her age now, through my volunteer work, so I know it's not just about me and someone her age. I know that I have done my best to try to heal any problems. I've apologized for anything I've done wrong, and I've asked her to forgive me for anything I've done wrong.

My last text to her said that if she wants to have a mature relationship based on treating each other as equal adults, that I'm here. But, I'm not going to let her abuse me anymore, and yes, she has been abusive to me and even though I've lost my temper with her - probably a total of twice in her lifetime - I have never been abusive to her.

There comes a point where a person has to say, I'm not going to let anyone treat me badly anymore - regardless of who they are - if they are an adult who knows better.

If your child is an adult who knows better than to treat anyone the way they are treating you, yet they expect you to allow them to treat you like garbage simply because you are their parent - then I think it's time to set the record straight with them.

I had a counselor once tell me that whatever I did - I was teaching my daughter how she should let other people treat her once she grew up. So, if I let a man treat me like garbage, I was teaching her that she should let men treat her like garbage, etc., etc.

So, if you let your adult kid treat you like garbage, you are teaching them that they should let others treat them the same, or their kids, etc.

And even if it's not about teaching them any kind of lesson, you just really have to, at some point, protect yourself. Unfortunately, many of us have bribed our kids and basically begged them to love us, especially if we got divorced. All this did was teach the kids that we owe them, and they don't have to treat us with respect.

I know that letting a kid go is enormously painful. I was even suicidal over it for a long time. But, I can say that I have finally let my daughter go and I have gotten to a place where I know my worth and if she showed up tomorrow at my door, she'd have to treat me well or I'd show her the door.

I wish her the best in life, but I won't let her or anyone else abuse me anymore. You can love someone, but show them the door, if they treat you badly.

I hope you can come to terms with this and get over the pain sooner rather than later. I very much realize it's not easy. And I wish you peace over this as soon as possible.
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Old 11-02-2018, 10:32 PM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,699 posts, read 23,651,778 times
Reputation: 35449
Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
Is it better that your adult children live far away and not visit or live in the same state and not visit? Mostly related to my adult son, 40 years old, currently in a serious relationship. We are close to and in near constant touch with my daughter.
On the other hand, it is pretty much impossible to see my son , talk to him, text him, call him. When we do talk (when he picks up, returns our calls and messages) he seems happy enough and sometimes not so much, like it is a bother.
Sometimes I feel I should be happy that he is plane ride away because it will be quite hurtful if he lives near by and yet we never see him.
Help me cope with feeling of sadness, anger, frustration, and constant worry if I did something wrong in my parenting. He does struggle with depression and is taking medication but he does not tell us much.
And I believe this right here is your answer. You waited to mention he suffers from depression until the very last sentence in what seems to be in an almost dismissive manner while it could be the very reason for the lack of communication between the two of you.

You are describing your feelings well but do you understand his? It is difficult for people suffering from depression to open up and I wonder if you are pressuring him too much to be close as you are with his sister. He might find it frustrating that he can't be so he gets defensive around you and shuts down. It may not even be a conscious thing on his part. It could also just be he has a totally different personality from your daughter and he is being as close to you as possible for him.

Anyway, I think you should just let him know you are always there for him if he should ever want to talk and let it go at that. Then maybe get some counseling for yourself to learn how to manage your feelings as well as how to deal with your son's depression.
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