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Old 11-04-2018, 01:00 PM
 
10,606 posts, read 12,128,397 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eliza61nyc View Post
ok so I must be an outlier. I have never spent an hour on the phone with my parents in my entire life. heck I don't talk that long with my best friend. even when I moved away my mom would call and say "hi hon, how are you". 10-15 minutes later we'd be done.

and on the remote chance of it turning into a long conversation one of us would usually say "let me call you back"

So my kids range from 24-29. again they all call me and they call their grandparents. Really, most times it's a very short easy conversation. My youngest still lives at home but is working 2 jobs so I rarely see him so lol, we still call. for example he texted me last night to remind me to turn my clocks back and to say he'd be out the house before I got up.

maybe because I have my own life also so I'm just as busy. my others usually call just to see how I'm doing, I ask about their jobs etc etc and then we keep it moving.

I read that op never talks at all or rarely does.
I'm in my 50s. My parents live in the same town as me but are getting ready to move. I work full-time but I'm an empty nester. My kids are in their 20s and have moved out.

Since I was a young adult, I've always kept in close contact with my mother. We would go shopping on the weekends and, when my kids were little, she was a great help to me. These days, we just don't have much to do "together" so I don't see them much, but I do call her 3-4 times a week just to see what they are up to. The call usually lasts about 20 minutes. I fill her in on the grandkids (if I have any info), we discuss what's going on at work (she used to work in the same industry that I do), and she'll fill me in on my aunt or other relatives. It's a check-in mainly.

My kids are of the texting generation. They have never been big into "phone conversations." I will generally get a text of some sort from each of them a few times a week. If my daughter doesn't have any social things going on, she'll come down for the weekend and hang out. My son just moved out about 6 weeks ago so he's busy with with navigating his way there. I will generally get a call or text from him once a week. I expect when either of them starts a family and gets busy, I will hear less from them unless they need my help. I think that's normal. When my kids were young and I was just SO busy because we both worked full time, my MIL used to want us to come for dinner EVERY Sunday. She lived about 45 minutes away and I just couldn't do it because it literally blew out my whole day. In hindsight, as a parent of adult kids know, I do feel bad about it. I know she just wanted to spend time with us.
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Old 11-04-2018, 03:36 PM
 
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So many different experiences and so many different relationships. In a perfect world - parents would give their children their own space and realize that their lives are busy - in a perfect world - kids would remember that even a quick Hi - how are you doing - makes a parent's day.

Unfortunately - that's not the way life is. I usually saw my mom every day as well as talked to her 4/5 times a day - as long as I was at her beck and call - things were relatively smooth between us - but she couldn't accept when my life became a bit more complicated and I didn't have time to drive her around or listen to her complain 4 times a day.

Sometimes - parents need to listen more to their kids - realize that they still love them but have so many more things going on in their lives then they may have a few years earlier. People have to respect each other on both sides of the fence and not take it personally - because that is when resentment and anger set in and ruins things.
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Old 11-04-2018, 05:17 PM
 
4,431 posts, read 2,605,246 times
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OP:

This may sound harsh, rude cruel, its nit meant to be. Its meabt to be a "reality check":

Heres another thing I should have posted.
You raise your kids to be independent, and to leave the nest and stand on their own two feet. LET GO, and LET HIM.

Did you make sure growing up that they talked to grandma regularly? Did you make them write thank you letters? Did YOU call your parents regularly? Children learn by watching and listening and doing. If they didnt see you having a regular relationship with your parents and you didnt foster a relationship between them and their loved ones, then they arent going to carry through.

Second, kids have their OWN lives to live. They are busy building their work, personal and childrens lives. He may work several hours, be dog tired and want only special tine with his significant other when he gets home (and kids if any), then want to go to sleep. Hes not always thinking "i have to call mother ". He has a LIFE. Of his own.

Next, YOU are doing harm ONLY to YOURSELF sitting there and pining away for him and his call or letter. Thats all on YOU. it doesnt hurt him one bit to not think of you. YOU are creating your own misery. Sorry if that sounds rude or hurtful, but its the truth. The truth often hurts. YOU are projecting YOUR thoughts and desires onto him. Its called "transference ". Look it up if you dont know what it means.

Next the way you refer to his significant other doesnt sound glowing and loving. Perhaps you dont like her, perhaps shes not a good person, perhaps she's "not good enough for my little boy". From the way you describe her or your relationship with her in your opening post, im sure he knows there is no love lost there. Hes going to side with her naturally, not you, as she, good or bad, fills a need in his life you cannot possibly fill!! When you disparage her, you do the same to him. YOU need to let him make his choices, like it or not. And, be suppirtive in his decisions, even if it hurts to do so because you " dint believe its the right choice " its NOT YOUR CHOICE (S) to make.

Next children whom are adults are often still treated like they are 6 years old by a parent. You need to let him grow up, make his own decisions and let him fail at them to pearn on his own. Just like allowing him to fall off the bicycle learning to ride it. A parent who does not let their child be their own adult, who still treats them like a child is going to lose said child. A child becomes an adult and some parents often have trouble letting that happen. PET IT HAPPEN. LET GO. AND LEARN TO LIKE IT. Hes NOT ypur little six year old boy anymore.

Let me tell you about my FIL. Hes overbearing on my other half ( OH). He still treats my OH as though my OH is 6. My OH is going to be 60 next year!!! My OH is just like my FIL, and FIL causes a fight over the littlest thing. You canmot put those two in the same room without cutting the tension between them in the air. My OH and i have been together for 18 years. My FIL has to be "RIGHT" ON EVERYTHING, EVEN WHEN HES WRONG. I, YES I, I, I can tell him hes wrong or hasnt remembered something correctly and he STILL insists hes "RIGHT". HES LESS likely to argue with me than he is with my OH. The sad part is he KNOWS his memory is failing him, yet still refuses to believe hes wrong.
Hes also overbearing in other ways. He figures because he has nothing to do ( retired), that WE have nothing to do either. My OH works two jobs, and although im on disability, i have appts, and was working part time also. He calls wanting us to do something for him, sometimes a little thing he can really do for himself, but he expects and figures we should just JUMP BECAUSE HE SAID SO. WRONG!!!! He also DEMANDS, not ASKED for a daily phone call, in case he drops dead ( hes 90). While we dont begrudge him a "check up phone call", its the way he demands it!! If he dies at hone we will eventually find the body. He used to play this game. Hed be home, but not answer the phone to see when we'd come running over to see if hed died, then say "well, while you are here, you can visit ". We DONT always have time for that. The 4th time he played that game , we started calling only at night just before his bed tone so hed a) be home and not out, b) would answer the phone, and c) we wouldnt have to run over because he was home, Alive, and answering the phone. The shorter of it is, he cried "wolf " one to many times. Hes 90 and in frail health, but really he still treats my OH like 6, and is verbally abusive to especially my OH. But also to me at times. Perhaps. Just perhaps, you are doing the same thing.

My father is nothing like that. At 84, his health is beginning to fail, but i call once a week and the opposites weeks twice a month when i am in his nearby town for appts, i stop by. I always call to be sure he'll be home . He used to be physically abusive to us kids growing up, literally beat us black and blue with blisters on blisters, and literally could not sit down for a week, without sitting on a bank of feather down pillows. I COULD be estranged from him, but i have forgiven him, though i can NEVER forget. We have a decent relationship now. He learned when i was 14 and ran away, that 1) i was getting big enough to fight back, and 2) it was, in his words- " time to start seeing as a man and not my little boy anymore" at the time i was collected and brought home after the run away. We have an amenable relationship today.

Lastly, the bible says this about mothers and sons: " a man shall leave his mother and cleave only unto his wife". You needn't be religious to see the wisdom in that phrase.

The more you pressure him the further you drive him away. And maybe, just maybe, youve done something that offends or offended him sometime.

Be glad he does call, text or email at all, and treasure those moments.

Best to you..., seriously.

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Old 11-04-2018, 05:29 PM
 
3,090 posts, read 1,717,042 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marino760 View Post
When I was in my mid to late 20s I learned to disengage from my mother. She criticized everything in my life and any decision I made. Growing up, I was a good kid, honor student, never did drugs, never got into any trouble but it seemed no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. I even played sports in high school and she never went to even one of my matches. When I lettered and bought a letermans jacket using my own money I worked for, she lectured me for a month about wasting my money on a dumb jacket. She had to always make me feel small. My sister was the favorite and she could never do anything wrong.
I made the decision not to involve her in anything personal. She never knew what I did, how my work was, where I went on vacation, who my friends were or who I dated. It saved my sanity.
I see her about once a month and we are cordial to each other and never have harsh words but have very little to talk about.
That is sad - for both of you. She lost more because she never got to know you. When we get older we become friends in the sense that we respect each other's time, and choose our words more carefully than we did when our kids were little. For my daughter it is more than friends, and she has some very close friends, because I will always be her mom as well, and I know that is a source of comfort for her.
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Old 11-04-2018, 05:36 PM
 
3,090 posts, read 1,717,042 times
Reputation: 3459
Quote:
Originally Posted by galaxyhi View Post
OP:

This may sound harsh, rude cruel, its nit meant to be. Its meabt to be a "reality check":

Heres another thing I should have posted.
You raise your kids to be independent, and to leave the nest and stand on their own two feet. LET GO, and LET HIM.

Did you make sure growing up that they talked to grandma regularly? Did you make them write thank you letters? Did YOU call your parents regularly? Children learn by watching and listening and doing. If they didnt see you having a regular relationship with your parents and you didnt foster a relationship between them and their loved ones, then they arent going to carry through.

Second, kids have their OWN lives to live. They are busy building their work, personal and childrens lives. He may work several hours, be dog tired and want only special tine with his significant other when he gets home (and kids if any), then want to go to sleep. Hes not always thinking "i have to call mother ". He has a LIFE. Of his own.

Next, YOU are doing harm ONLY to YOURSELF sitting there and pining away for him and his call or letter. Thats all on YOU. it doesnt hurt him one bit to not think of you. YOU are creating your own misery. Sorry if that sounds rude or hurtful, but its the truth. The truth often hurts. YOU are projecting YOUR thoughts and desires onto him. Its called "transference ". Look it up if you dont know what it means.

Next the way you refer to his significant other doesnt sound glowing and loving. Perhaps you dont like her, perhaps shes not a good person, perhaps she's "not good enough for my little boy". From the way you describe her or your relationship with her in your opening post, im sure he knows there is no love lost there. Hes going to side with her naturally, not you, as she, good or bad, fills a need in his life you cannot possibly fill!! When you disparage her, you do the same to him. YOU need to let him make his choices, like it or not. And, be suppirtive in his decisions, even if it hurts to do so because you " dint believe its the right choice " its NOT YOUR CHOICE (S) to make.

Next children whom are adults are often still treated like they are 6 years old by a parent. You need to let him grow up, make his own decisions and let him fail at them to pearn on his own. Just like allowing him to fall off the bicycle learning to ride it. A parent who does not let their child be their own adult, who still treats them like a child is going to lose said child. A child becomes an adult and some parents often have trouble letting that happen. PET IT HAPPEN. LET GO. AND LEARN TO LIKE IT. Hes NOT ypur little six year old boy anymore.

Let me tell you about my FIL. Hes overbearing on my other half ( OH). He still treats my OH as though my OH is 6. My OH is going to be 60 next year!!! My OH is just like my FIL, and FIL causes a fight over the littlest thing. You canmot put those two in the same room without cutting the tension between them in the air. My OH and i have been together for 18 years. My FIL has to be "RIGHT" ON EVERYTHING, EVEN WHEN HES WRONG. I, YES I, I, I can tell him hes wrong or hasnt remembered something correctly and he STILL insists hes "RIGHT". HES LESS likely to argue with me than he is with my OH. The sad part is he KNOWS his memory is failing him, yet still refuses to believe hes wrong.
Hes also overbearing in other ways. He figures because he has nothing to do ( retired), that WE have nothing to do either. My OH works two jobs, and although im on disability, i have appts, and was working part time also. He calls wanting us to do something for him, sometimes a little thing he can really do for himself, but he expects and figures we should just JUMP BECAUSE HE SAID SO. WRONG!!!! He also DEMANDS, not ASKED for a daily phone call, in case he drops dead ( hes 90). While we dont begrudge him a "check up phone call", its the way he demands it!! If he dies at hone we will eventually find the body. He used to play this game. Hed be home, but not answer the phone to see when we'd come running over to see if hed died, then say "well, while you are here, you can visit ". We DONT always have time for that. The 4th time he played that game , we started calling only at night just before his bed tone so hed a) be home and not out, b) would answer the phone, and c) we wouldnt have to run over because he was home, Alive, and answering the phone. The shorter of it is, he cried "wolf " one to many times. Hes 90 and in frail health, but really he still treats my OH like 6, and is verbally abusive to especially my OH. But also to me at times. Perhaps. Just perhaps, you are doing the same thing.

My father is nothing like that. At 84, his health is beginning to fail, but i call once a week and the opposites weeks twice a month when i am in his nearby town for appts, i stop by. I always call to be sure he'll be home . He used to be physically abusive to us kids growing up, literally beat us black and blue with blisters on blisters, and literally could not sit down for a week, without sitting on a bank of feather down pillows. I COULD be estranged from him, but i have forgiven him, though i can NEVER forget. We have a decent relationship now. He learned when i was 14 and ran away, that 1) i was getting big enough to fight back, and 2) it was, in his words- " time to start seeing as a man and not my little boy anymore" at the time i was collected and brought home after the run away. We have an amenable relationship today.

Lastly, the bible says this about mothers and sons: " a man shall leave his mother and cleave only unto his wife". You needn't be religious to see the wisdom in that phrase.

The more you pressure him the further you drive him away. And maybe, just maybe, youve done something that offends or offended him sometime.

Be glad he does call, text or email at all, and treasure those moments.

Best to you..., seriously.

Thank you for your post. No, my life is nothing like what you have described and I did not express anything of what you said in my post. But thank you for sharing your life, we all learn from each other.

There is no doubt in my mind that out son loves us, values us, and our opinions as well. It is his way of managing life that makes it difficult for him to keep in touch on a regular, predictable basis. In a way distance is good for me because watching him losing his phone, his keys, missing deadlines, will be even more frustrating because there is nothing I can do about it. But he is managing it, loves his work and is mostly happy. We both love his girlfriend, she is very good for him.
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Old 11-04-2018, 05:46 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BBCjunkie View Post
I would think that most adult children would do that. I did, and my son does. That's just common courtesy. But unless I'm reading the OP wrong, she was talking about a greater desired level of interaction than this. My son and DIL used to travel a lot before the baby was born. Although I wasn't in the loop during the planning stages, I was kept abreast of when their flight would leave and would get a text either when the plane landed or they got to their hotel. Not for driving trips though. I guess we as a society still assume that driving is safer than flying.
Oh I will be very happy with texts. And he does text even if irregularly. Long time will go by and I will worry if he is alright, is he depressed, then there will be no response to my texts, calls, emails. And then just suddenly I will get him on the phone - he will be happy and joking around, or he may be terse and would want to get off. These are the things that confound me.
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Old 11-04-2018, 05:53 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BBCjunkie View Post
As I look back on how I handled my relationship with my parents there are two things that stick out. FWIW, I went directly from living at home to living with my boyfriend for about 10 years before we got married. So there was no period in which I was a single adult living on my own (until age 50.) My parents and his lived in the same town, which was about 15 miles from where we bought our house.

My parents and his were as different as night and day. His parents thought nothing of either dropping in on us on a weekend when they were out socializing with their friends (and sometimes bringing their friends with them; both of which things horrified me for multiple reasons); my parents would never dream of dropping in on anyone without an invitation. My MIL demanded that both of her sons call her every Sunday without fail; my dad felt that a forced communication was meaningless because the caller/writer was only doing it because they had to rather than because they want to. [I totally agree with this, by the way] However, my parents would drop everything, go to the ends of the earth, give you the shirt off their backs, etc etc on a moment's notice for any kind of request or even suggestion that I or my son might make; my in-laws always put their own lives first. And if they did any favor for us (rare) they'd put it in some big mental ledger of What We Did For You/What You Did For Us and never let anyone forget it.

Two favorite phrases sum it all up. My MIL would always say to her sons "I carried you for nine months and wiped your bottom when you were little, so that means you owe me." (with strong vocal emphasis on those last three words). My dad's favorite phrase to me was "Anything you ever want or need, princess, just ask."

That said, I confess I never called my parents to just talk/chitchat. It was usually when I needed to borrow something or ask a favor or a question. We would talk about other things during the conversation (usually) but that was almost always the reason for my call. My dad would sometimes call me if he'd seen something in a store or in a magazine that he thought I might like or could use -- but most times he'd just go ahead and buy the item and give it to me as a gift, LOL. I was just too caught up in what was going on in my own life (fulltime job during the week, social life with boyfriend/fiance/husband at other time, then raising a child) to have my parents on the front burner, so to speak.

One thing I do regret terribly is that because my in-laws were so demanding, my boyfriend/husband insisted that we spend most holidays with them. What I didn't find out until many years later is that he looked down on my parents because they weren't college educated professional people like his were. I made the mistake of insisting that we go to my parents house for Xmas Eve one year and he was so surly that my mom called me the next day in tears, apologizing for whatever way she had offended him. I assured her she hadn't, and when I discussed it with him afterward he blew up and made my life miserable for a week until I apologized for upsetting him. We never went to my parents house again for a holiday. He was classic passive-aggressive and our marriage came apart years later, after both my parents were dead. I should have left him after that nasty Xmas Eve incident, LOL
Wow. That is sad, and it does happen. Parents have to be careful what they demand of their children. Or demand at all.
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Old 11-04-2018, 07:31 PM
 
4,431 posts, read 2,605,246 times
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Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
Thank you for your post. No, my life is nothing like what you have described and I did not express anything of what you said in my post. But thank you for sharing your life, we all learn from each other.

There is no doubt in my mind that out son loves us, values us, and our opinions as well. It is his way of managing life that makes it difficult for him to keep in touch on a regular, predictable basis. In a way distance is good for me because watching him losing his phone, his keys, missing deadlines, will be even more frustrating because there is nothing I can do about it. But he is managing it, loves his work and is mostly happy. We both love his girlfriend, she is very good for him.
Then i must have misread something, or perhaps have my threads mixed up.

Still. Just treasure when he does make time for you. If he has no kids, perhaps when he has one, he will be in better contact with you. Sometimes having a child of ones own changes the dynamics of life.
We have no children by choice. But i doubt that would change the relationship with my OH and my FIL. They are both pig headed and stubborn. They even fought at MILs funeral! ( until i put my foot down!).

If HE ( your son) sounds like he is happy then. Rejoice then that he is. And be happy for him.

Im suddenly reminded of a poem i once read a long time ago...id have to look up the rest of it, but it starts out thusly:

"Your children are not your children, they are the sons and daughters of lifes longing for itself...they come through you...But do not belong to you..." ( paraphrased perhaps, ill look it up later if you like).
A poem about how "life" will continue though we all come and go, but a blip on the screen line of "life", and that you are only "rented " your children by "life's " continuance of itself. I forget the author.
Now its going to bug me until i do look it up! Its by Kahlil Gibran. Its worth a read. I looked it up.

Life is too short to be distressed by things you cannot change. Remember the adage " God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference ".

May you be blessed....i think you are....

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Old 11-05-2018, 05:03 AM
 
4,343 posts, read 6,052,492 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by galaxyhi View Post
OP:



Did you make sure growing up that they talked to grandma regularly? Did you make them write thank you letters? Did YOU call your parents regularly? Children learn by watching and listening and doing. If they didnt see you having a regular relationship with your parents and you didnt foster a relationship between them and their loved ones, then they arent going to carry through.
Here come the blamers. Why should it be the parent's fault?

Yes, we did all we could to set a good example and we raised a good person. We had an exemplary relationship until he met wife #2 who 'wasn't comfortable' around anyone from his previous life so his parents and his friends had to go.

But here's the kicker... His own kids (ages 12 and 14) are watching him. We see them regularly through his ex wife and luckily we've been able to maintain a loving relationship with them thanks to her generous heart. But they know what's going on, they've spouted off about things, they're learning how to treat their own father someday. And they barely tolerate their stepmom.

And to those who say their adult kids are soooo busy.. My ex daughter-in--law works full time, she has a new marriage, she has her own mother, a mother-in-law, friends, and she still makes time for us because (her words) she loves grandparents and sees the value they bring to the table. What I lost in a son, I gained in her.
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Old 11-05-2018, 05:16 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia/South Jersey area
2,869 posts, read 1,399,615 times
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lol, I wonder when the parent dies how many of these kids now "make" the time to find out if they are left something in the will.

lol I wonder if they were left nothing except a note saying "well you didn't have "time" and I let you "live" your own life" what the reaction would be.
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