U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-05-2018, 05:19 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia/South Jersey area
2,869 posts, read 1,399,615 times
Reputation: 10071

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by seeriously View Post

And to those who say their adult kids are soooo busy.. My ex daughter-in--law works full time, she has a new marriage, she has her own mother, a mother-in-law, friends, and she still makes time for us because (her words) she loves grandparents and sees the value they bring to the table. What I lost in a son, I gained in her.



lol, wait until she passes away and it's time to divvy up the money and estate. how much do you want to bet that all these 30 somethings that are sooooo swamped and busy will find the time.

I had 3 babies, worked full time and still managed to get a phone call out to my parents every so often.

sorry I call bull on the "my life is so busy" excuse.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-05-2018, 06:58 AM
 
Location: So Ca
15,755 posts, read 14,994,409 times
Reputation: 13666
Quote:
Originally Posted by galaxyhi View Post
Did you make sure growing up that they talked to grandma regularly? Did you make them write thank you letters? Did YOU call your parents regularly? Children learn by watching and listening and doing. If they didnt see you having a regular relationship with your parents and you didnt foster a relationship between them and their loved ones, then they arent going to carry through.
This does not apply to many families. Often the adult child makes a complete 180 from the way in which they were brought up, as evidenced by the following thread:

Retirees who are estranged from their adult children
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2018, 07:17 AM
Status: "Excited to move to Vegas!" (set 25 days ago)
 
Location: Beaverton, OR
5,530 posts, read 5,900,677 times
Reputation: 6307
The funniest part is sometimes for me itís the reverse of some parents here. My dadís social life is ridiculous at 76, he travels the world (recently Dubai and Egypt, before that South Africa and Thailand, before that Russia and Ireland), he flies to parties and events and sports, which is fantastic and good for him! But then he gets a bit annoyed if I donít call him sometimes. Well, I work from home, Iím a writer and run a business, by comparison my life is downright boring and I donít really have much of a social life, sadly, besides my GF and two friends I rarely see. So Iíve told him it just makes more sense for him to call me because I donít know when heís free! Almost any time I have called, heís busy. So I resort to texting and just seeing how heís doing.

His social life would make anyone in their 20s blush lol. Mine would embarrass even 90-year-olds
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2018, 07:19 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,541 posts, read 17,525,434 times
Reputation: 27576
I'm an only child and have always been close to my parents, my mom's sister, mom's parents, and one of my dad's brothers. His parents are still alive, but we've never been close.

One of the reasons I moved back from Indiana was to be closer to the family. To be quite honest, after being gone for the better part of five years, I don't have many friends/peers left here that are in a similar life situation as me.

With that said, they aren't everything. After a little more than two years back here, I want to move again. My parents will probably never move. I don't like living here that much, and they can't envision themselves living anywhere else. They did move twice before they hit 40, but moved to communities that were worse than our hometown. I think they kind of shut down after that and prefer the comfort of the same.

I have a list of places I want to move. They're mostly within five hours of here. That's far enough away to not be in family business day to day, but close enough to come home periodically.

One big problem is this area has a tiny airport, and the only nonstop flights, aside from a few seasonal flights to Florida, are to Atlanta and Charlotte. It takes forever to get into/out of here.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2018, 08:05 AM
 
10,181 posts, read 12,231,385 times
Reputation: 14042
Ever consider that maybe people just get tired of each other? Enough is enough?

My mother had 4 kids. 2 are superstars (long term marriages/careers/kids/finances), 2 are losers (divorces, illegitimate kids, constantly broke). About 15 years ago I had enough of the "losers" and cut off contact. My mother loves the "drama" of the losers, loves saving the day for them (usually with money temporarily solving the problem).

My mother is the one in church that is gossiping about everyone else around her while quickly sweeping her problems under the carpet. She has had plenty of drama in her own life from childhood through retirement.

The straw that broke the relationship: During someone else's birthday party she started a conversation how all 4 of her kids and all the grandkids MUST come to her upcoming birthday (5 months away). It aggravated me that she thought her party (5 months from now) was more important than the person having a party RIGHT NOW!

I explained specifically why I didn't hang out with "the losers" and certainly would not be attending her party. She wouldn't let it go, I told her to enjoy her other kids and that was the last contact we had.

I honestly haven't missed the contact whatsoever, we are years in at this point. If she died today I wouldn't attend the funeral. I would want the "gossip girls" to go wild with speculation of why I didn't attend.

Someone mentioned the "inheritance" angle of busy children. I fully expect zero, the losers will certainly "need" the money more than I do. There isn't millions there but rather a few hundred thousand. Nothing has been split evenly in 40+ years so why would I expect it to start now.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2018, 10:04 AM
 
4,866 posts, read 2,345,623 times
Reputation: 5690
Quote:
Originally Posted by eliza61nyc View Post
lol, I wonder when the parent dies how many of these kids now "make" the time to find out if they are left something in the will.

lol I wonder if they were left nothing except a note saying "well you didn't have "time" and I let you "live" your own life" what the reaction would be.
My parents owe me nothing. They raised me with the best intentions. They made mistakes just like I made mistakes - but when a parent continues to hover and treat an adult child like they know best and the kid doesn't have a brain in their head - and because I cared and raised you - you owe me - it gets old fast.

I don't expect any type of inheritance and I personally want very little as far a family momentoes - and if I don't receive those - no problem - I have a lot of good memories. My kids are also not selfish and hold on to the memories of happy times and the littles things that still mean so much to them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2018, 10:14 AM
 
4,866 posts, read 2,345,623 times
Reputation: 5690
Quote:
Originally Posted by City Guy997S View Post
Ever consider that maybe people just get tired of each other? Enough is enough?

My mother had 4 kids. 2 are superstars (long term marriages/careers/kids/finances), 2 are losers (divorces, illegitimate kids, constantly broke). About 15 years ago I had enough of the "losers" and cut off contact. My mother loves the "drama" of the losers, loves saving the day for them (usually with money temporarily solving the problem).

My mother is the one in church that is gossiping about everyone else around her while quickly sweeping her problems under the carpet. She has had plenty of drama in her own life from childhood through retirement.

The straw that broke the relationship: During someone else's birthday party she started a conversation how all 4 of her kids and all the grandkids MUST come to her upcoming birthday (5 months away). It aggravated me that she thought her party (5 months from now) was more important than the person having a party RIGHT NOW!

I explained specifically why I didn't hang out with "the losers" and certainly would not be attending her party. She wouldn't let it go, I told her to enjoy her other kids and that was the last contact we had.

I honestly haven't missed the contact whatsoever, we are years in at this point. If she died today I wouldn't attend the funeral. I would want the "gossip girls" to go wild with speculation of why I didn't attend.

Someone mentioned the "inheritance" angle of busy children. I fully expect zero, the losers will certainly "need" the money more than I do. There isn't millions there but rather a few hundred thousand. Nothing has been split evenly in 40+ years so why would I expect it to start now.
Sounds like my mom! My nephew passed a month ago. My brother and his wife decided to wait 3 weeks and have a memorial service on his birthday at their church out in the country 40 minutes away. My mom was livid - - they should have had it at the funeral home - her friends can't travel all that way, her friends can't climb the steps to the restaurant where there was a gathering after the funeral, what do you mean the gathering is for family only - her friends should be included. I told her that this wasn't about her - this was about my nephew and his parents and they make the decisions on how they want to lay their son to rest. Boy was I in the doghouse for supporting their decision!

We didn't talk for 3 months when I had to have a breast cyst removed last year - she was on the phone with everyone she knew telling them the news and getting their advice. I didn't appreciate the whole world knowing my business - if I wanted everyone to know I'd put it on Facebook. I accepted what needed to be done - had confidence in the doctors and didn't want to hear everyone's opinions or horror stories.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2018, 10:35 AM
 
10,606 posts, read 12,130,459 times
Reputation: 6498
I think we can see from a lot of these posts that the estrangement can come from many different places.


I do think on the part of the older parents, sometimes there is just absolutely no self-awareness as to their behavior. It cannot be that all these adult children are selfish. Sure, that's the case sometimes, but I do think one of the major factors in estrangement is being judgemental. Parents are used to "being the boss" for 18 years or more, judging their child's actions and trying to show them how the world will judge them if they don't behave in a certain way. A part of that type of judging is called "parenting" but it can go too far and at a certain point, it's not your right to be judgy and know-it-all with your kids. I think many people really can't see themselves doing anything negative in their discussions with their adult children.


As I said upthread, I still speak to my parents regularly and always will but if there is one thing that shuts me down faster than anything is if I'm talking about my life and I start to feel judged or criticized too much (I mean I'm good with a some negative feedback).



I try to take this to heart with my own kids (27 and 23). When they do call me, I try my best to keep it light, happy, and positive. I don't want all their interactions with me to be about how I think they are making mistakes (they are) or how they aren't doing X enough (they aren't). It's hard to change roles and step out of "parenting" but I figured if I don't change my role with them, how much are they going to want to spend time with old Negative Nelly?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2018, 10:47 AM
 
3,604 posts, read 1,639,332 times
Reputation: 13548
Quote:
Originally Posted by seeriously View Post
Here come the blamers. Why should it be the parent's fault?

Yes, we did all we could to set a good example and we raised a good person. We had an exemplary relationship until he met wife #2 who 'wasn't comfortable' around anyone from his previous life so his parents and his friends had to go.

But here's the kicker... His own kids (ages 12 and 14) are watching him. We see them regularly through his ex wife and luckily we've been able to maintain a loving relationship with them thanks to her generous heart. But they know what's going on, they've spouted off about things, they're learning how to treat their own father someday. And they barely tolerate their stepmom.

And to those who say their adult kids are soooo busy.. My ex daughter-in--law works full time, she has a new marriage, she has her own mother, a mother-in-law, friends, and she still makes time for us because (her words) she loves grandparents and sees the value they bring to the table. What I lost in a son, I gained in her.
My son and his wife are very busy too, but they cherish and value having grandparents in their childrenís lives and they seem to enjoy our company enough to invite us over frequently. People who care and love you make time for you.

On the other hand our daughter couldnít care less about anybody, including us. We got over it. We are here if she ever needs us. She was raised in the same loving supporting home as her brother, we adored them both. Some adult children just go off in directions you least expect or understand. Some of it is personality, onset of mental illness, spousal pressure, drugs and alcohol, political or religious differences . However itís so easy for others to use the ďblame the parentsĒ and not even consider that some people no matter how they were raised or loved end up being just not very nice people, or abusers, or plain indifferent. There are a lot of reasons for cutting off parents, and not all of them have to do with the parents being bad but boil down to to estrangers emotional cowardice or an inability to set healthy boundaries, and neither side are the bad guys.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-05-2018, 11:04 AM
 
3,604 posts, read 1,639,332 times
Reputation: 13548
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristineVA View Post
I think we can see from a lot of these posts that the estrangement can come from many different places.


I do think on the part of the older parents, sometimes there is just absolutely no self-awareness as to their behavior. It cannot be that all these adult children are selfish. Sure, that's the case sometimes, but I do think one of the major factors in estrangement is being judgemental. Parents are used to "being the boss" for 18 years or more, judging their child's actions and trying to show them how the world will judge them if they don't behave in a certain way. A part of that type of judging is called "parenting" but it can go too far and at a certain point, it's not your right to be judgy and know-it-all with your kids. I think many people really can't see themselves doing anything negative in their discussions with their adult children.


As I said upthread, I still speak to my parents regularly and always will but if there is one thing that shuts me down faster than anything is if I'm talking about my life and I start to feel judged or criticized too much (I mean I'm good with a some negative feedback).



I try to take this to heart with my own kids (27 and 23). When they do call me, I try my best to keep it light, happy, and positive. I don't want all their interactions with me to be about how I think they are making mistakes (they are) or how they aren't doing X enough (they aren't). It's hard to change roles and step out of "parenting" but I figured if I don't change my role with them, how much are they going to want to spend time with old Negative Nelly?

You concede there are a lot of complex reasons why adult children estrange and then go into the ďthe parents must have done somethingĒ of course not all these adult children are selfish but the call for introspection applies to adult children also. Healthy adults know how to set healthy and loving boundaries with parents who may step across the line. All the steps you mention are the ones we took with our two adult children yet one of them wants nothing to do with us. She has issues that go way beyond us. She is not a horrible person or a selfish person, she just doesnít love or like people in general including us. Canít force her to like us or love us. We are here if needed and she knows this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top