Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You concede there are a lot of complex reasons why adult children estrange and then go into the “the parents must have done something” of course not all these adult children are selfish but the call for introspection applies to adult children also. Healthy adults know how to set healthy and loving boundaries with parents who may step across the line. All the steps you mention are the ones we took with our two adult children yet one of them wants nothing to do with us. She has issues that go way beyond us. She is not a horrible person or a selfish person, she just doesn’t love or like people in general including us. Can’t force her to like us or love us. We are here if needed and she knows this.
Sorry, I didn't mean for my response to frustrate you and I was posting on my lunch break so I was in a rush. I 100% agree with you. I did take it to the parental side of things because that is what I am most familiar with; however, I should have expanded on the fact that you can just have kids who, for whatever reason: personality, personality disorder, mental health, loner, detachment, etc., that are just going to do that and the parent never did anything wrong.
Sorry, I didn't mean for my response to frustrate you and I was posting on my lunch break so I was in a rush. I 100% agree with you. I did take it to the parental side of things because that is what I am most familiar with; however, I should have expanded on the fact that you can just have kids who, for whatever reason: personality, personality disorder, mental health, loner, detachment, etc., that are just going to do that and the parent never did anything wrong.
“And this is how we must learn to love; without expectation or attachment.
To understand we cannot force people to come into our lives, or stay in our lives, simply because we want them there. There is nothing forceful about love; we cannot demand it, manipulate it, control it, coerce it into being.
We cannot bind another person to us but must understand those who want to be in our lives, will be.
To love without expectation does not mean we should ever be okay with a love that offers us no loyalty, respect, understanding, or hurts us in any way. But that we learn to love without an expectation of outcome; that we cannot place those we love inside our predetermined ideas of relationship but must allow love to manifest of its own accord, all the while finding the grace to accept we may not always get the outcome we hope for.
It is allowing those we love to put their own needs first, even if those needs do not include us; to become whole enough within ourselves that we do not need another to complete us. To love ourselves enough that we do not need another to prove we are worthy of love. To learn to love in a way which honours both them and ourselves.”
.
Kathy Parker
I completely disagree. I begged my daughter to communicate with me for 5 years. Nope, this is not on me.
If you want to take on some martyr role, assuming responsibility regardless of the fact that your kids are now adults, that's your choice.
But, I don't believe God is unaware of how some kids are just spoiled brats, and he/she doesn't blame the parents or expect them to suffer or bear the blame for an adult's behavior, even if they share the same DNA. I believe in a fair, loving, smart God. If you want to flog yourself forever, thinking you deserve it, that's your choice. I'm over that.
I know my hubby and I are lucky parents. We live close to both our sons and grand-daughter, and have a wonderful relationship with our daughter in law.
Our oldest son isn't in a relationship at the moment, but he loves coming for a visit. First thing he does is open the fridge and then gawk in the pantry for goodies LOL
My youngest son and his wife and grand-daughter live a one-minute walk from our house to theirs.
Method to our madness: We sold them the property and they built on it
I must add that: We do respect their privacy and they respect ours. It's a bonus to know our grand-daughter and future grandchildren will be able to call me up and say "I'm coming for a visit Grandma!" It's a win-win.
I know my hubby and I are lucky parents. We live close to both our sons and grand-daughter, and have a wonderful relationship with our daughter in law.
Our oldest son isn't in a relationship at the moment, but he loves coming for a visit. First thing he does is open the fridge and then gawk in the pantry for goodies LOL
My youngest son and his wife and grand-daughter live a one-minute walk from our house to theirs.
Method to our madness: We sold them the property and they built on it
I must add that: We do respect their privacy and they respect ours. It's a bonus to know our grand-daughter and future grandchildren will be able to call me up and say "I'm coming for a visit Grandma!" It's a win-win.
I could have written your story, right down to selling them the property. Always welcomed, easy loving relationship all around, then fast forward to when he got divorced at age 38 and shortly thereafter met wife #2. Everything changed seemingly overnight.
Blessings to you. How rough It hurts bad. I still hurt though my son and I are much better now. Your words ring with me, I made those mistakes too.
To even read this makes me cry. Keep reading ok?
With all due respect, if your adult child is estranged, you controlling their words is dis-allowing them to tell you what the issue is. So when you say you don't know, sorry, but I don't believe it. Been there myself. Though those words never came out of my mouth, wow was it tempting to say it. Deny it.
Because you told us you felt abused. Your child is talking to you, but you are dis-allowing his words. Shutting him/her up. Not your right. Not taking responsibility. I did the same thing, got defensive too. I have no right to judge you. There is a HUGE log still in my eye. I've felt it. Yet...If someone cared enough to tell me this before, it would have saved us both much heartache.
That it was me who was selfish. I am the one with the power no matter what. No one can take that away, I am the parent. Of course he isn't going to treat another adult this way since there is no history behind it to incite such anger and grief. Rediculous the stuff I told myself to
prevent him from speaking, to discount his words. To discount him as a person. Shame on me.
I heard my son but I wasn't listening. I let him speak but got defensive like you and wanted to deem his words inappropriate somehow.Shut them up. I let him ream me over and over for a few years. Best thing I ever did!
I decided the truth is in the Bible. And I stuck to it. Sometimes I would very gently ermind him that no matter what he said, there will be no defensive words back. Ever. Because I loved him too much. Ever, never ever. I could see a load lifted from. I had done it long enough now he believed me!! And I would tell him I appreciate him telling me. No matter how horrible his words were, they weren't horrible to me. Not any more because once it became NOT ABOUT me, but him, it changed. Slowly. Thank God we were talking. I will just listen. As that pattern developed and remained, he started trusting me.
We have a good relationship now. He comes and stays a weekend once a month. We are just happy if
he spends the night but now it's the entire weekend. And he would never treat others the way he treats me, no one else is his MOM. I used that excuse too full well knowing it was BS.
It was all about ME
There are many excuses we can tell ourselves to not take responsibility due to trauma, pain or whatever. But you end up hurting the person who should be #1 in your life. It's ok to forgive him. Even 70x7 in one day. That's 149x.
In a Counselors office, if you both went for joint counseling, you realize they would force you to listen to her right? And not say a thing. You would take turns doing this. For as long, and as often, as it took. Yes it's expensive so if you can learn to do it, it won't be needed. When the parent who has all of the power just by their very position continues to control the child, there is never reconcilliation.
Being a Christian, eventually you must have one goal. The truth. If my God can die on the cross for my sins, the least I can do is listen to my son. But he wants us to take up our cross daily, ensure your child knows you will do that for him. That he matters and his words resonate. Apologize over and over if needed, and mean it. pray pray pray for them to heal. And ensure if you're the reason they are distraught, then by default, you must be the reason they are not longer distraught.
I am sorry for the hurt you experienced but I do not agree with you at ALL. I have had good and bad, then good, then so-so, then bad, ect experiences with my children, who are adults. We get along reasonably well but to be honest although they live on different coasts, they are rather remote and non-communicative. This is them, how they are, not a personality defect, they are not like I, who tend to be very expressive and an over-sharer.
I will tell you that both my DS and DD and I have had many heart to heart conversations about this and to be honest, I decided to quit pursuing them. They are grown adults and I don't need to know every single thought that crosses their mind, nor every thing they've done that day. Even if I wanted that information they would not communicate it with me.
Despite their being rather dry, non-demonstrative individuals, they are both very good people, both are successful with their careers and relationships, they have responsible positions at their work. The pay their bills and don't call me to bail them out. The only complaint I personally would have is that they are not touchy-feely, which I am.
At any rate, I think you come across as judgemental with other posters who don't have, and don't know why, a good relationship with their adult children. It may not be their fault at all, and you may not have intended it but you came across as if you were blaming them without knowing anything about their circumstances.
I have made my peace with my adult children's lack of communication with me. If I talk to my son 5-6 times per year I am happy, I do talk to my daughter more but she lives in the same time zone and lives closer than my son does. Either way, they are adults.
I have some friends who have willed their adult children pricey homes and property and trust funds and these children are very close to the parents. Could be the "carrot" makes a huge difference.
I think it has some bearing.
And some had issues from day 1 with children.
Just heard a horrible story about a young man in Orange County here who strangled his mother after she went to sleep and the reasons given she nagged him about his grades. Horrible story.
Could be a lot of all kinds of drugs in the pictures.
Last edited by jaminhealth; 11-05-2018 at 04:40 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
of course not all these adult children are selfish but the call for introspection applies to adult children also. Healthy adults know how to set healthy and loving boundaries with parents who may step across the line. All the steps you mention are the ones we took with our two adult children yet one of them wants nothing to do with us. She has issues that go way beyond us. She is not a horrible person or a selfish person, she just doesn’t love or like people in general including us. Can’t force her to like us or love us. We are here if needed and she knows this.
thank you.
It hurts bad. I still hurt though my son and I are much better now. Your words ring with me, I made those mistakes too. 
