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Old 11-05-2018, 05:38 PM
 
Location: SoCal
13,216 posts, read 6,313,926 times
Reputation: 9827

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@Jamie, OMG, that’s horrible.
I’m glad I have very good relationship with my kids, one is not as communicative as the other one but I’m ok with that. We are still cool parents to them.
My husband used to call his parents in UK once a week, when international call was like $6 for an hour. Before that it was at least once a month. We also visited them every two years. He was very close to his parents. I used to call my mom every day, well almost everyday when I was living near her.

So let’s hope the tradition continue to this generation. We’re treating them as adult friends.
They are very close to us. Count my blessings so far. And both are financially independent from us. They are getting zip from us.

Last edited by NewbieHere; 11-05-2018 at 07:03 PM..
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Old 11-05-2018, 06:04 PM
 
Location: Southern California
23,691 posts, read 8,235,451 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
@Jamie, OMG, thatís horrible.
Iím glad I have very good relationship with my kids, one is not as communicative as the other one but Iím ok with that. We are still cool parents to them.
My husband used to call his parents in IK once a week, when international call was like $6 for an hour. Before that it was at least once a month. We also visited them every two years. He was very close to his parents. I used to call my mom every day, well almost everyday when I was living near her.

So letís hope the tradition continue to this generation. Weíre treating them as adult friends.
They are very close to us. Count my blessings., so far. And both are financially independent from us. They are getting zip from us.
Yes, plenty have good family stories with their adult children and enough I'm sure with many troubles.

Yes you are fortunate.
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Old 11-05-2018, 07:21 PM
 
Location: Virginia
171 posts, read 107,539 times
Reputation: 508
I have read so many posts similar to this one. I would be heartbroken if I did not have a good relationship with my son and daughter. I honestly feel so bad for those who want the relationship but don't have it. I don't think it is always anything the parent has done, but some children just grow up and don't have that attachment and just live their life without thinking about anyone else. There are times I often wonder what it would be like to be that care free and enjoy the freedom of not feeling ties to anyone or anything. But, it is definitely not me. I come from a large family and we all are very close. I can't imagine anything less than that. Don't look at it as if something happened. Look at it as if you raised children to be strong and independent adults. Your son's depression could also very well play into his relationships. Things could easily change as time goes on also.
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Old 11-05-2018, 08:02 PM
 
3,604 posts, read 1,641,304 times
Reputation: 13548
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
@Jamie, OMG, thatís horrible.
Iím glad I have very good relationship with my kids, one is not as communicative as the other one but Iím ok with that. We are still cool parents to them.
My husband used to call his parents in UK once a week, when international call was like $6 for an hour. Before that it was at least once a month. We also visited them every two years. He was very close to his parents. I used to call my mom every day, well almost everyday when I was living near her.

So letís hope the tradition continue to this generation. Weíre treating them as adult friends.
They are very close to us. Count my blessings so far. And both are financially independent from us. They are getting zip from us.

The menfolk in my family always visited or visit their mothers/parents once a week back home in the uk. My cousin ,whose my age, still goes to see his mum and they have tea, or go out to tea, play cards, chat. My son loves this tradition and he and his wife like to come once a week for breakfast and hang out.

It seems the saying ďa son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life.Ē Has worked out differently for us.

Itís lovely to hear of families just enjoying each other and supporting each other.
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Old 11-05-2018, 08:46 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,753 posts, read 4,165,476 times
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Originally Posted by marid4061 View Post
I have read so many posts similar to this one. I would be heartbroken if I did not have a good relationship with my son and daughter. I honestly feel so bad for those who want the relationship but don't have it. I don't think it is always anything the parent has done, but some children just grow up and don't have that attachment and just live their life without thinking about anyone else. There are times I often wonder what it would be like to be that care free and enjoy the freedom of not feeling ties to anyone or anything. But, it is definitely not me. I come from a large family and we all are very close. I can't imagine anything less than that. Don't look at it as if something happened. Look at it as if you raised children to be strong and independent adults. Your son's depression could also very well play into his relationships. Things could easily change as time goes on also.
My brother and his wife couldn't have kids, so they were very fortunate to adopt two babies, 4 years apart, a daughter and then a son. They were both raised in a most loving and stable home, living the dream... good income, two kids, a dog, a nice backyard, good neighborhood, etc.

Daughter (now in late 30's) grew up into a beauty on the outside and a psycho on the inside. Could never keep friends, always blamed everyone else for her poor social skills, high maintenance, and mean to her younger brother through the years. She used people and discarded them when they were of no longer use or when they didn't dote on her.
Once she met her husband and they had children, she disowned my brother and his wife. They are devastated. The husband is a cop and she wrote them a registered letter telling them that if they every try to contact them, they will be charged with harassment. It makes me (and them) sick that she can be so cruel in how she just threw them away. They are to have no contact with her young children either. That is the hardest part because they just love children.

Their son (now 31 years old) was always a very stable young lad, kind to everyone and has lots of friends. He married a lovely young girl, and they have a daughter who is so sweet. They are a big part of my brother and his wife's life and I am SO thankful that they at least have one child who involves them in his and his family's life and loves them very much.

I just can't understand how someone can be lovingly raised and just give it all up in such a cruel way like they were trash. It's been almost a year now since this happened and they are getting along ok, but are still sick over it. It's just sad when life throws such rotten curve balls at good people.
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Old 11-06-2018, 10:04 AM
 
2,575 posts, read 4,688,777 times
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Originally Posted by BBCjunkie View Post
I think it comes down to what the expectations are on both sides (parent and adult child.) I know with my son that once he was out of college, working and had his own house and a live-in girlfriend, our in person interactions dropped from once a week to once every 5 or 6 weeks.
Same. My son is almost 29 and incredibly busy. He lives 2 hours away, so we do see each other a few times a year, and we text a bit here and there, but I don't call him. I told him I don't want to pester him the way my mother did when I moved out of the house, so he calls me when he has time. And then we talk for an hour or so and get caught up. He always apologizes for not calling sooner, in spite of the fact that I've repeatedly told him I know he's busy and not to feel obligated to call - which is how I felt with my mother.

We get along great. I couldn't ask for a better kid. He never caused me a moment's trouble - no terrible twos, no temper tantrums, slammed doors, anger directed at me, he got excellent grades, college scholarships, etc. But he's an adult now. He doesn't need to be in touch with me all the time.

A couple of my friends seem puzzled that we don't talk more often. But it works for us, and I'd rather get along with him as well as we do than have a fraught relationship and be in closer touch.
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Old 11-06-2018, 10:48 AM
 
6,306 posts, read 3,569,825 times
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Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
Is it better that your adult children live far away and not visit or live in the same state and not visit? Mostly related to my adult son, 40 years old, currently in a seriousl relationship. We are close to and in near constant touch with my daughter.
On the other hand, it is pretty much impossible to see my son , talk to him, text him, call him. When we do talk (when he picks up, returns our calls and messages) he seems happy enough and sometimes not so much, like it is a bother.
Sometimes I feel I should be happy that he is plane ride away because it will be quite hurtful if he lives near by and yet we never see him.
Help me cope with feeling of sadness, anger, frustration, and constant worry if I did something wrong in my parenting. He does struggle with depression and is taking medication but he does not tell us much.
Hugs, cb2008. Encouraging you to make an effort not to second-guess your parenting. Today is what counts and you can't make amends without being informed.

That generation is different than we are. They have cell phones and computers. Heh.

Sometimes I wonder if they are making a mistake disconnecting from the concepts of tradition and family loyalty. Neither of mine are even married.

It's all new territory. But you certainly aren't alone.
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Old 07-04-2019, 02:34 PM
 
689 posts, read 249,768 times
Reputation: 1815
Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
Is it better that your adult children live far away and not visit or live in the same state and not visit? Mostly related to my adult son, 40 years old, currently in a seriousl relationship. We are close to and in near constant touch with my daughter.
On the other hand, it is pretty much impossible to see my son , talk to him, text him, call him. When we do talk (when he picks up, returns our calls and messages) he seems happy enough and sometimes not so much, like it is a bother.
Sometimes I feel I should be happy that he is plane ride away because it will be quite hurtful if he lives near by and yet we never see him.
Help me cope with feeling of sadness, anger, frustration, and constant worry if I did something wrong in my parenting. He does struggle with depression and is taking medication but he does not tell us much.
I know this thread started quite some time ago. But I just saw it now, and I would like to express my opinions.

There are all kinds of parents-children relationships:
  • Parents who love and care for their children, and when the children grow up, they love and care for their parents back – that is good
  • Parents who don’t care for their children, and their children don’t care for their parents – that is even
  • Parents who love and care for their children, and the children think that’s natural and think they are entitled for that. And when they grow up, they don’t love and care for their parents at all – that is one way street and unlucky for the parents
  • Parents who were irresponsible when they were young, just created unwanted babies and gave them away. And when those babies grow up to be adults, they look for their parents and they build a good relationship with their parents
  • Parent who even threw their babies away but when those babies grow up, they look for their parents, and they even take care of the parents

The last two categories: the parents are lucky.

And there are many situations that parents have to think which they would prefer and have to accept the situation, such as:
  • Having children who are doing well with their lives but are not close to you
  • Having children who are not doing well and live at home with you up to 30, 40... and forever, and can help you in someway
  • Having children who are capable to be on their own, but just want to live at home as long as they can, so they can take advantage of you and do nothing for you and argue with you and make you upset all the times (I believe lots of parents cannot kick this kind of children out because they (the parents) have a weak heart and mind, or love – too soft love, not tough love – I don’t know)
  • Having children who were born with some parts defective severely, and you have to take care of them for the rest of your/their life

So, except having children who love you and care for you (that would be the best), which of the categories above would you prefer? I would choose the first one. But sometimes you have no choice. If any kind of the above could happen to you. You just have to learn to tolerate and to be patient, and learn to comfort yourself by thinking every fruit ripens at a different time. And even if some fruit never gets ripened or becomes rotten, you have to think everything has a beginning and an end. When things end, you don’t have to suffer anymore. That’s life.

Besides, my philosophy is no expectation, no disappointment. You have to learn to take good care of yourself and enjoy life when you can. Don’t expect anything from anyone and don’t rely on anyone. If your children treat you nicely, love you and care for you, that’s a bonus.
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Old 07-05-2019, 08:24 AM
 
Location: USA
1,039 posts, read 359,476 times
Reputation: 874
I remember being at a Harry Chapin concert in the Cathedral of St. John the Devine in NYC.

The song ďCatís in the Cradleí always stuck with me.

Thankfully, we raised our kids well. They stay in touch and visit us often even though they live far away. 2 Ĺ hour flights to see us and we are a 10-minute drive to the airport.

Even better, our home is not in a flight path unless the President flies in on Air Force One. Pretty cool to see that
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Old 07-05-2019, 09:53 AM
 
496 posts, read 520,987 times
Reputation: 1626
These people are not just your children, they are adults. As with everything else in life, your relationship with your children changes throughout the years. Respect is a two way street. They have lives, families, jobs, friends and projects of their own. They are not at our beck and call. Enjoy what time you have with them and treat them like your friends. Would you sit in judgment of everything your friends do or do not do to please you? Be good grandparents to their children, but don't interfere in how your grandchildren are raised. They are people....not children. I know, I have 6 of them and they live all over the United States. Some text or email, others might call ...one is close by but is moving away shortly. Makes me sad, but that is the way life is. Constantly evolving. My responsibility to all of them is to take care of myself so I am not a burden to them in old age.
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