U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 11-22-2018, 08:52 AM
 
Location: SoCal
13,274 posts, read 6,356,923 times
Reputation: 9900

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
Yep, those unrealistic expectations will keep them single. Probably any guy who dates a woman that wants him for his bank account can figure out that's what she's after. They used to call that a "gold digger".

And expecting one's SO to only interact with them at a gathering is beyond weird. I find huggy-kissy people at parties so annoying. They're together in private all the time, why do they have to be all PDA when others are present? The idea of a gathering is to get to visit with people you don't see all the time, not to show off how affectionate your mate is.

I have one friend who will probably be single forever now. She was divorced in her early 40's, didn't want to date until daughter was 18 (I think that was a good move on her part, but daughter's been over 18 for 5 years now), but now that she's over 60, she doesn't want to date anyone who looks "old". She wants someone who will tolerate her single lady lifestyle (going out with lady friends one or more times per week, going on vacation without him if he can't go), looks like they aren't over 50, must have longish, or quite long, hair, and like heavy metal music....and oh yeah, be attracted to an opinionated 62 year old woman who ALWAYS says what she's thinking, and who wouldn't ever put her wants on a back burner to his. She doesn't do compromise well, so I just don't see her finding her Mr. Wonderful.
People do get set in their ways as they age, I’m having a hard time finding close female friends for years. Acquaintances, I have lots, but not close friends. So I’m not surprised at all.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 11-22-2018, 10:53 AM
 
12,733 posts, read 14,097,737 times
Reputation: 34886
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
Have a question for my fellow retirees

Did y'all ever give up on finding happiness?
Twice in my life that I can recall, but each time I lacked the will power to hold onto that verdict tenaciously; so, of course, happiness eventually popped up here and there and couldn't be ignored. Eventually I came to see that happiness was not the result of a single attainment (job, marriage, child, etc.), but a matter of appreciation for all manner of things as they come and go before me.

Quote:
....So do y'all have any heart warming stories about finding true love after many years?
My mother managed, in spite of herself. She was married to my father for about thirty-five years, but by the time I reached the end of grade school it was obvious that their marriage stunk, but they each did what people did then - they settled for it and tried not to pull a bad face. He died at 55, my mother always just a very moderate social drinker began to booze, largely because she had always held widows in contempt and dropped her friends when their husbands died. And now, slam bam, thank you m'am there she was in those same shoes. But after some years my childhood dentist - a polished, clean-cut looking, small town success - asked her for a date (she was attractive and could be charming when she chose to press that button), and then after a period of dating some months he asked to marry her.

It worked out beautifully. He was what she had always wanted in a husband, and she finally achieved the lifestyle and social milieu she had yearned for. (She was someone who valued "appearances" above all.) But without a shadow of a doubt they were worlds happier as a married couple than my parents had ended up being. And they were married about twenty-five years.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-22-2018, 11:19 AM
 
9,151 posts, read 7,223,215 times
Reputation: 13848
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
Have a question for my fellow retirees

Did y'all ever give up on finding happiness?

I have a couple of female friends that are having relationship issues. Issues that will keep me on the phone with them for hours!

We are almost 60 years old. I myself do not think you need a member of the opposite sex to be happy, but that is their main goal. But then they have had really bad relationships and just hung in there with them for years. My two marriages lasted not even 4 years altogether.

I just wasn't into the theory about making things work blah, blah, blah

Anyway, I don't want them to give up hope either.

So do y'all have any heart warming stories about finding true love after many years?
I gave up decades ago.

I agree with you, if it's not working just break up for heaven's sake. If there's a right mate for you, you probably won't meet them if you're embroiled in a mire with Mr. Wrong.

That's the advice I'd give your stubborn friends, time to move on. What's the point of trying to make things work, especially at our age? There are probably not kids to consider. Just move on and find someone you're more compatible with so you don't spend your last 20 years miserable.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-22-2018, 12:14 PM
 
6,649 posts, read 1,372,282 times
Reputation: 16718
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
I find huggy-kissy people at parties so annoying. They're together in private all the time, why do they have to be all PDA when others are present? The idea of a gathering is to get to visit with people you don't see all the time, not to show off how affectionate your mate is.

.
Just want to comment a little about the above.

My husband and I are in our 60's, and we are very "huggy" with each other ALL the time, not to show off but that is just how we are. (Again, I do realize that we are very fortunate to still be in love with each other after all these years.) No, we don't kiss or "make out" in public, but if we are in a group and are standing next to each other, he will put one arm around my shoulders, and sometimes I will just give him a little squeeze around his waist, and I can't count the number of times that people (both young and old) have told us that we are such great role models, that we prove the fact that long-married people can still adore each other, even after dozens of years of married life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-22-2018, 03:30 PM
 
600 posts, read 183,168 times
Reputation: 2250
Quote:
Originally Posted by katharsis View Post
Just want to comment a little about the above.
My husband and I are in our 60's, and we are very "huggy" with each other ALL the time, not to show off but that is just how we are. (Again, I do realize that we are very fortunate to still be in love with each other after all these years.) No, we don't kiss or "make out" in public, but if we are in a group and are standing next to each other, he will put one arm around my shoulders, and sometimes I will just give him a little squeeze around his waist, and I can't count the number of times that people (both young and old) have told us that we are such great role models, that we prove the fact that long-married people can still adore each other, even after dozens of years of married life.
I personally think that's wonderful, and am envious. Even more so that you are aware of how lucky you are. Bravo.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-22-2018, 03:42 PM
 
600 posts, read 183,168 times
Reputation: 2250
Quote:
Originally Posted by LillyLillyLilly View Post
I gave up decades ago.
I agree with you, if it's not working just break up for heaven's sake. If there's a right mate for you, you probably won't meet them if you're embroiled in a mire with Mr. Wrong.
That's the advice I'd give your stubborn friends, time to move on. What's the point of trying to make things work, especially at our age? There are probably not kids to consider. Just move on and find someone you're more compatible with so you don't spend your last 20 years miserable.
Just a quick related anecdote, maybe somebody else will get a chuckle out of it before it's lost to history:

My Mom, whose own marriage to my Dad wasn't exactly "June and Ward Cleaver", was speaking to one of her sisters from Utah, they were in their sixties and seventies at the time. This particular sister had a very long and seemingly happy marriage, had been widowed, and married a second husband who was also a great guy, he also eventually passed before her, and I got a chance to meet him - an extremely nice man who worked to keep my Aunt happy, I never heard a cross word between them.

Anyway, my Mom asked her sister what her "secret" was, how it was that she was able to find and keep two great guys, and have two great marriages. My Aunt replied, smiling, "I gave up the right to be right".

Not sure what the moral of that is, except maybe that if people want a successful relationship, it takes a lot of compromise from both parties. Nobody in their right mind would ask for my advice on LTR's, but I try to be a keen observer and keep learning. FWIW.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-22-2018, 06:24 PM
 
Location: Location: Happy Place
3,697 posts, read 1,876,337 times
Reputation: 11344
Quote:
Originally Posted by katharsis View Post
Just want to comment a little about the above.

My husband and I are in our 60's, and we are very "huggy" with each other ALL the time, not to show off but that is just how we are. (Again, I do realize that we are very fortunate to still be in love with each other after all these years.) No, we don't kiss or "make out" in public, but if we are in a group and are standing next to each other, he will put one arm around my shoulders, and sometimes I will just give him a little squeeze around his waist, and I can't count the number of times that people (both young and old) have told us that we are such great role models, that we prove the fact that long-married people can still adore each other, even after dozens of years of married life.
I would probably die of happiness if I could get a kiss from my husband.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-22-2018, 10:18 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,633 posts, read 17,606,575 times
Reputation: 27701
Quote:
Originally Posted by funisart View Post
You are right. I’ve been married for 46 years, and I married at 22. Marriage is down. Not sure if this is a good thing. Lots of angry young men. Lots of lonely women. The frequent hookups sound impersonal and sad to me but I’m 68. I love sex, I’m the one who told Serious, that if you are “in love”, you should want to feel like tearing your beloved clothes off as often as possible. LOL, but if you don’t have that chemistry it seems like the relationship is doomed to fail.

My son married at 25. His wife lived two houses down, they went to high school and undergraduate school together. They will have been married for 11 years in January.

Things have changed —not sure if it is for the better, except that women now are more equal, except in pay, than they were in the early 70’s when I got married. There is still a double standard. Men want “untouched flowers” with no baggage. Hard to find now with all the “frequent hookups”. More than half babies are born out of wedlock now. Not a good start in life.
It's not that I don't enjoy it, but it's kind of hard to be in the mood when, basically, what I'm doing is mild caregiving.

She's gone from bed =bound and completely immobile to being able to mostly dress herself, walk around the house, prepare her own meals, etc. It's significant progress on the small things.

She wanted to get out of the house today after her family meal. My water was out all morning, so I stayed at my parents' after my family meal. I picked her up and we did the evening shopping thing. She still can't walk very far. I was pushing a wheelchair around a busy mall. She wanted to go into Yankee Candle, which was packed to the gills, and we knocked a display over. It's embarrassing, frustrating, and physically exhausting doing all this work, all the time, with no let up or help from her family.

I love her, but this kind of thing would test the patience of God himself. Part of me says that she'll be doing well enough in six months to stick it out. Part of me says she'll never do much better and she'll always weigh me down.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-23-2018, 02:30 AM
 
Location: Tucson/Nogales
17,417 posts, read 21,263,654 times
Reputation: 24246
Quote:
Originally Posted by meo92953 View Post
I'm happy when I glance at the beautiful sunsets we have here in Arizona. I will say I was not happy in Minnesota. But, now I am very content with life in general.

I recognized a long time ago that I am not cut out for a relationship and have been single over twenty years. I find my happiness in simple things; reading a good book, viewing sunsets, relaxing after so many years of work.
I never strive for happiness, as it's too fleeting, and aim more for contentedness. It's been said that happiness is nothing more than a cover for your unhappiness. It's a mind-twister, but it does make sense to me.

I've been in 4 long-term relationships, last one for 10 years which ended 9/95, and I've had no desire to re-connect with another human being in a relationship, and I certainly don't miss all the inevitable "emotional collisions" that take place, sometimes on a daily basis.

I have had a wonderful, family-like roommate for 19 years, and that certainly takes the edge off that old compulsion to be in a relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 11-23-2018, 05:13 AM
 
600 posts, read 183,168 times
Reputation: 2250
Quote:
Originally Posted by tijlover View Post
I never strive for happiness, as it's too fleeting, and aim more for contentedness. It's been said that happiness is nothing more than a cover for your unhappiness. It's a mind-twister, but it does make sense to me.

I've been in 4 long-term relationships, last one for 10 years which ended 9/95, and I've had no desire to re-connect with another human being in a relationship, and I certainly don't miss all the inevitable "emotional collisions" that take place, sometimes on a daily basis.

I have had a wonderful, family-like roommate for 19 years, and that certainly takes the edge off that old compulsion to be in a relationship.

There's a scene from the 1983 movie "Tender Mercies" that somewhat echoes what you're saying:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REs5htonJ8E

I myself pretty much gave up on relationships as a young man over thirty-five years ago, maybe that's why Duvall's scene stuck with me at the time. I learned some hard lessons about how not to act when you supposedly love someone, with no subsequent opportunity to apply the lessons; life can be ironic that way.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top