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Old 11-21-2018, 12:59 PM
 
Location: Asheville NC
1,602 posts, read 1,312,212 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
I think chances for good pairing diminish drastically and inordinately after one graduates from university and is no longer attending college.
I also believe this is true. Never again will one be surrounded by so many of the same age, same education level, mostly same interests, and mostly still single with no kids. I seem to remember a college president saying somewhat the same thing and being lambasted in the press and social media. I met my husband in college, as did most of my close friends from school. And we (and they) are still happily married many years later.

That doesnít mean it is not possible for good pairings, it just is harder. I do have two girlfriends who are happily remarried. They found their new spouses in church widow/widower groups.

It sounds like the phone callers need marriage counseling.

To me being happy has nothing to do with being coupled. It has to do with what is going on in life, and how you feel about it.
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Old 11-21-2018, 01:44 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,911 posts, read 2,876,213 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
I think chances for good pairing diminish drastically and inordinately after one graduates from university and is no longer attending college.

I'm happy. (and not paired) Particularly in retirement.
If you use likelihood of staying married as the yardstick, 28-32 is the best time to get married:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...es-get-married

As mentioned in this thread, staying married and staying happy are not the same thing, but I think there is a likely correlation and the same ages result in a higher probability of staying happy.

EDIT - found something else and this supports your belief:
https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-s...ics-and-facts/ - if you met your spouse in high school, college, or grad school, you are 41 percent less likely to get divorced.

I was also poking around for something I read that gave a bunch of things that drove the divorce rate way down - how long you knew each other was one of them. Others were geographic (met and married where you grew up), church wedding with all living parents in attendance, similar/same religious beliefs and I forget what else. They were not cumulative; it wasn't ridiculously low no matter how many of the factors you had. But it was way better than average. The biggest factor the other way is if it isn't your first marriage. Of course that doesn't contribute as much to the percentage of people who get divorced as only one of the the two people could be on their first marriage.

Last edited by ReachTheBeach; 11-21-2018 at 02:10 PM..
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Old 11-21-2018, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,767 posts, read 4,825,615 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
I think chances for good pairing diminish drastically and inordinately after one graduates from university and is no longer attending college.

I'm happy. (and not paired) Particularly in retirement.
And what of those who did not attend college? Somehow most managed to find a mate. I know I've matured immensely since I was in my early 20's and wouldn't even consider dating most of the men I met at that age.

I find that social activities (parties, group outings, sports leagues) and the workplace is where I, and most of my friends, have met their SO's. Basically "a friend of a friend" type meetings, or someone they met at the workplace, but not necessarily working in the same position, or even department. Important to stay away from those supervisor/underling type relationships though!

I've mentioned before that I live where there are a lot of retirees, most on their second or third marriage, and very few are still with the person they met in school or college. Most seem happy, or at least content.
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Old 11-21-2018, 01:58 PM
 
5,424 posts, read 3,442,945 times
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Education for many goes way beyond age 22 or 23 or 24. Professional degrees particularly, and also masters degrees and Phd's - all go through mid and late 20's, some in early 30's for professional degrees.

Many people have good intellects at ages 23 and 24 and 25 and no particular lack of maturity.

I was talking about people who attend university - not those who have no education beyond high school. The pool is very rich with opportunity during 4 years of university and when obtaining advanced degrees beyond the 4 years of college. A pool that intensive and rich with opportunity is never again experienced.

The majority of people (particularly women) do not participate in sports leagues, and have no aptitude nor interest in sports leagues. And many people are not interested in 'parties'. Nor do many have opportunities for or automatic interest in 'group outings'.

Last edited by matisse12; 11-21-2018 at 02:19 PM..
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:11 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,911 posts, read 2,876,213 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
Education for many goes way beyond age 22 or 23 or 24. Professional degrees particularly, masters degrees, Phd's go through mid and late 20's, some in early 30's for professional degrees.

Many people have good intellects at ages 23 and 24 and 25 and no particular lack of maturity.

I was talking about people who attend university - not those who have no education beyond high school. The pool is very rich with opportunity during 4 years of university and when obtaining advanced degrees beyond the 4 years of college. A pool that intensive and rich with opportunity is never again experienced.

The majority of people (particularly women) do not participate in sports leagues, and have no aptitude nor interest in sports leagues. And many people are not interested in 'parties'. Nor do many have opportunities for or automatic interest in 'group outings'.
Yes, you are correct. I was editing my earlier post (look a few up) because i found info that supports what you said.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:14 PM
 
Location: Eastern Washington
14,217 posts, read 44,878,144 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
"Get nothing out of it" may be too strong. She's at least able to walk short distances now. We can go out to eat and not need a wheelchair. We've had a lot of fun together this year, but I am, literally, doing all the work. When you're driving someone around, having to pick them up/take them, rolling them in a wheelchair, having to do all the planning, paying for absolutely everything, etc., it gets exhausting.

She wanted to go to the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville desperately back over the summer. I had to call around several hotels to find one I felt confident could accommodate a person in a wheelchair that also had a handicap shower. I had to help her get in/out of the shower, position the shower bench, help her with the handicap shower head, etc.

We were only gone for two days and I walked over eight miles in those two days - mostly pushing a wheelchair. By the time I came home, my muscles ached all over. I felt like I had been through a grueling workout.

Did I have a good time? Yes, but I also worked my rear off.

Well you were saying that you want to lose some weight and get into better shape.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:44 PM
 
Location: SoCal
13,191 posts, read 6,308,074 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Minervah View Post
Also regarding the advice giving thing, it's one thing to give opinions on a message board to a stranger but with friends or relatives it's different. Give advice that turns out badly and the advice-giver can become part of the problem. Worse still, the person or relative receiving the advice can turn on them.

The friend will be lost and the relative stops speaking to the well intentioned giver of advice. It isn't worth the risk. I'll lend a shoulder to cry on for a very serious problem of a good friend for a bit but then I will suggest seeking professional help.
This is why I donít give advice in real life, Iím game for online though.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:48 PM
 
Location: SoCal
13,191 posts, read 6,308,074 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by funisart View Post
I also believe this is true. Never again will one be surrounded by so many of the same age, same education level, mostly same interests, and mostly still single with no kids. I seem to remember a college president saying somewhat the same thing and being lambasted in the press and social media. I met my husband in college, as did most of my close friends from school. And we (and they) are still happily married many years later.

That doesnít mean it is not possible for good pairings, it just is harder. I do have two girlfriends who are happily remarried. They found their new spouses in church widow/widower groups.

It sounds like the phone callers need marriage counseling.

To me being happy has nothing to do with being coupled. It has to do with what is going on in life, and how you feel about it.
I donít believe this. I met my husband at work. One of my kids met her boy friend at work. Itís too early to tell whether this relationship will end in marriage or not, but my bet is she will meet and marry somebody at work.
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Old 11-21-2018, 02:52 PM
 
Location: SoCal
13,191 posts, read 6,308,074 times
Reputation: 9810
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReachTheBeach View Post
If you use likelihood of staying married as the yardstick, 28-32 is the best time to get married:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...es-get-married

As mentioned in this thread, staying married and staying happy are not the same thing, but I think there is a likely correlation and the same ages result in a higher probability of staying happy.

EDIT - found something else and this supports your belief:
https://www.wf-lawyers.com/divorce-s...ics-and-facts/ - if you met your spouse in high school, college, or grad school, you are 41 percent less likely to get divorced.

I was also poking around for something I read that gave a bunch of things that drove the divorce rate way down - how long you knew each other was one of them. Others were geographic (met and married where you grew up), church wedding with all living parents in attendance, similar/same religious beliefs and I forget what else. They were not cumulative; it wasn't ridiculously low no matter how many of the factors you had. But it was way better than average. The biggest factor the other way is if it isn't your first marriage. Of course that doesn't contribute as much to the percentage of people who get divorced as only one of the the two people could be on their first marriage.
I got married in that age range. But what I’m glad is the marriage counseling test and the results from the test, the test was given to us by a priest who married us. It states if you have high income, money is not a problem, your chance of staying married is high, like 93-97. So it’s not love, not lacking sex, and not met in high school.

Which I think it’s true for our marriage because we met at work, we both had decent income, never argued about money. We’re still happily married nearly 30 years.
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Old 11-21-2018, 04:20 PM
 
Location: Asheville NC
1,602 posts, read 1,312,212 times
Reputation: 4155
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
I donít believe this. I met my husband at work. One of my kids met her boy friend at work. Itís too early to tell whether this relationship will end in marriage or not, but my bet is she will meet and marry somebody at work.
What I meant and I believe Matisse meant is that it is so much easier to find a suitable mate in college, if you are in college, than out in the world, where there isnít such a concentration of people your own age group, with similar education and goals. Just shear numbers game. If you look at the Relationship board, there is continual angst about not finding suitable partners.

You found yours at work. You had work in common. That is great. My husband and I would have never met at work. Iím an artist. He is a nuclear physicist. Neither of us care to frequent bars or large parties.

Another thing that helps determine if a couple will stay married is the relationship that their parents modeled for them.

Still for the subject of the OP on not giving up on Happinessó you canít depend on another person to be happy.
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