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Old 11-26-2018, 09:05 AM
 
Location: Cochise county, AZ
4,975 posts, read 3,460,586 times
Reputation: 10494

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I feel that what Dave said is true. After my son died I went through a period of intense grief and mourning. It took a full year before I had any desire to move on.

I also lost some dear friends much too early in life, before I was fifty. Each one took a long time before I let them go. I even went into a deep depression when my favorite brother died of a heart attack.

One of the things I think about at times is when I had surgery to have a stent put in. The nurse got me up too soon and it opened up the vein. She was so scared and, not really knowing what to do, (l can only assume she was new) she paged for the head nurse, stat. That nurse got the bleeding stopped. I remember thinking though, that it wasn't so bad. I had such a feeling of peace. I can't really explain it but I know inside that death is peaceful and it is now easier to let go of those who are gone.

Yes, it hurts. Especially when you automatically pick up the phone to call them before you remember. But, it does pass and eventually the good memories overcame the sadness.
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Old 11-26-2018, 09:10 AM
 
6,315 posts, read 3,578,007 times
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Each loss we grieve prepares us to grieve the next. Just like dealing with anger, I like to think of grieving as an art, a skill, a necessary part of healthy living. We need to take care of our less pleasant emotions in order to have a clean house to welcome our pleasant emotions.

When I'm in the middle of it I seem lost and directionless but I can have faith in myself, having experienced the process before, that I will come through the other side. I will be changed. I will still have waves or echoes of it from time to time but I will have been successful in surviving and learning from it.

OP, you've had a lot in a short amount of time but I think your body will help you know when it is time to set it aside for another day. When it returns, I say to myself, "Okay, it's time to do some more grieving now" and I allow myself to do it. I know I'm entering into a lonely, dark place and I don't like it. But I know that it will pass if I am willing to let it go when it is time.
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Old 11-26-2018, 09:13 AM
 
Location: Florida -
8,764 posts, read 10,845,692 times
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Rosemary: When you wrote, "I'm only 59," did you mean, "I'm still too young to simply give-up on life?" or "I've suffered too much loss at a young age to move on?"

The response you choose to embrace, will determine how long you allow grief to control your life. Unfortunately, neither can change your past or loss.

Last edited by jghorton; 11-26-2018 at 09:41 AM..
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Old 11-26-2018, 09:30 AM
 
4,481 posts, read 4,743,979 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
I just take it as all part of life - a transition to the other side.

As for your husband - even that was his time.




Yes, we all have an expiration date.
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:26 AM
 
Location: Central New Jersey
2,403 posts, read 913,816 times
Reputation: 4260
OP just gotta get up each morning and live life to the fullest. Life goes on. Need to live for the living, not dwell on the ones that are gone.
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Mount Airy, Maryland
10,463 posts, read 5,930,681 times
Reputation: 16159
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
I'm only 59. About 2-1/2 years ago, my husband - whom I dearly loved and prayed for and cherished every day - came home for lunch and put a bullet in his brain. I lost everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. The house, the car, my income, my social standing, my career, etc. Suicide will mess you up. Enough said about that.

One year ago, my sister-in-law died. She was my favorite part of the siblings. She was a bright shining light and as I told her (repeatedly), she was the epitome of God's perfect love walking on this earth.

Last week, my "second mother" died. Through a period of 20 years, she and I had formed a bond that was very close. We were supposed to take a trip this month. We'd been talking about it for some time.

Three of the most important people in my world are dead in less than three years.

Please don't suggest counseling, as I'm already seeing someone who's wonderful but we have the bare-bones fact that this is a lot of loss in a short time. I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.

Thanks.

We are the same age Rosemary. I feel as if I have plenty of years left to enjoy life. I certainly hope you realize this, there is plenty of time after the grieving has taken place for you to find happiness again. Please remember this, it gets better.
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:53 AM
 
364 posts, read 125,977 times
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Rosemary, your most recent loss was only 2 weeks ago. It must be weighing heavily on you, especially near the holidays. I related to your post. I had 2 very shocking sudden losses in the past 2 weeks myself. I was happily retired for a year now and buzzing along, enjoying my new freedom from work: seeing friends, working on several creative projects, taking a course, developing a major trip itinerary, and many other activities. Then suddenly these 2 deaths occurred. I noticed in the past few days that the travel books from the library were still sitting there and I didn't seem to be interested in picking them up again to complete my trip itinerary. I was going to make flight arrangements a month ago when the airfare dropped and never did. Now I can't seem to get motivated. Maybe it's the grief response.

There's no real rush to do anything right now. "Wait and see" is my motto. I feel that life will draw me forward again when I'm ready.
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Old 11-26-2018, 10:57 AM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
27,093 posts, read 5,907,337 times
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For me, it got easier after I went through the death of both parents the same year.

Time honestly helps...you learn to roll with the punches and yes, as we age, more are going to die...you come to expect it but certainly don't dwell on it.
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Old 11-26-2018, 11:20 AM
 
Location: Florida Baby!
5,202 posts, read 670,791 times
Reputation: 3124
Quote:
Originally Posted by LookingatFL View Post
I've also had a lot of loss. I have said this before, but grief is more than an emotion. It is a processes. It is not about "forgetting", or "moving on", or "coming to acceptance". Grief is about learning to maintain a connection to that which we loved in whatever safe manner meets our needs All processes take time. And, really, time is the only thing that will help.

In so far as "maintaining the connection", there are as many ways to do it as there are people on the planet. Some people talk to the deceased in their heads; some people see signs of their being close; some people wear articles of their clothing or keep special keepsakes; some people do it with poetry, music, or art; some people do it with shrines. You will find your own way to maintain your connection.

I am sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself.
I really love this^^^

I grew up around funerals (long story, posted elsewhere) so even when my parents passed (Mom was 90/Dad was 85) while I shed a tear or two I did not "grieve" too long. However, when my dad passed I snagged a T-shirt that he wore in the hospital just before he died. I wore it whenever I was doing "messy" projects and stained it up just like he would have done working on HIS projects in the basement. Eventually it became a bunch of rags that I use for cleaning. When my mom died I continued to wear a couple of tops I purchased for her that she wore. For me it was a way of honoring them and keeping them close--it's like "wearing" their spirits.

When we cleaned out my parent's house after my dad died (mom was still living in a nursing home) I took some of my mom's cocktail dresses and her wedding gown. Some day I'd like to take the fabric and combine it with fabric from other special occasion dresses (I still have MY prom gown, my kids' prom gowns, their communion dresses and my wedding gown) and have something like quilts, wall hangings, pillows made out of them for my girls as keepsakes.

Shortly after my dad died I was visiting the cemetery when a rabbit crossed my path. I immediately named him "Luke the Bunny" and fancied the encounter as a sign that dad was letting his presence being known. The irony is that my dad was an avid hunter and would probably have had "Luke the Bunny" in a nice stew! So whenever I see a rabbit I say to myself, "Luke is checking up on me!"
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Old 11-26-2018, 11:27 AM
 
Location: too far from the sea
19,842 posts, read 18,861,423 times
Reputation: 33748
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
I'm only 59. About 2-1/2 years ago, my husband - whom I dearly loved and prayed for and cherished every day - came home for lunch and put a bullet in his brain. I lost everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. The house, the car, my income, my social standing, my career, etc. Suicide will mess you up. Enough said about that.

One year ago, my sister-in-law died. She was my favorite part of the siblings. She was a bright shining light and as I told her (repeatedly), she was the epitome of God's perfect love walking on this earth.

Last week, my "second mother" died. Through a period of 20 years, she and I had formed a bond that was very close. We were supposed to take a trip this month. We'd been talking about it for some time.

Three of the most important people in my world are dead in less than three years.

Please don't suggest counseling, as I'm already seeing someone who's wonderful but we have the bare-bones fact that this is a lot of loss in a short time. I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.

Thanks.
I don't know if I have an answer but I can relate. My ex and I lost both sets of parents in the space of a year. Then he cracked up. PTSD from Vietnam.

Due to his behavior, I lost nearly everything.

I dealt with the loss of my parents by losing myself in Genealogy. It felt like a way to honor them by finding out their roots, where they came from, who their predecessors were.

Losing everything due to my ex (the VA told me to get a divorce...he was going to kill the enemy and the enemy was anyone he was close to) is harder to get over. It made me feel crazy to learn the bizarre things he had been doing behind my back. Then I found credit cards he had opened by forging my name, huge amounts of money charged to me, tax evasion, even embezzling from his boss.

At my age then and with my life crumbling, it was impossible to get a new job. I was more consumed with affording food and housing and trying not to go crazy.

The best thing the counselor told me was that this was a transition. Transitions are always hard. They don't last forever though.

I've had a lot of anger and depression. Thank goodness I was old enough to qualify for elderly housing. I continued therapy, eventually met and married a nice man.

With the deaths, the pain subsides after a while. I still think of them and cry, but mostly I remember them and smile.

The devastation of my ex's PTSD from Vietnam is by far the worst. Someone at the time suggested an Al Anon meeting (he was not an alcoholic but his destructive behavior had a strong effect on me.) At the meeting they said that no matter how bad we feel, the alcoholic feels worse.

You no longer have your husband so there's a difference.
I'll just say that I still email my ex, he is very crazy, but with his VA disability payments, he has no financial worries. I have finacial worries but I think I am sane.

I guess you get used to just about anything. To recover from the confusion of so many losses takes time. In the long run, it's the financial loss at this point in your life that becomes the hardest to bear. Good luck, hope this helps a bit.
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Last edited by in_newengland; 11-26-2018 at 03:09 PM..
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