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Old 11-26-2018, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Florida Baby!
5,233 posts, read 674,523 times
Reputation: 3140

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Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
I'm only 59. About 2-1/2 years ago, my husband - whom I dearly loved and prayed for and cherished every day - came home for lunch and put a bullet in his brain. I lost everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. The house, the car, my income, my social standing, my career, etc. Suicide will mess you up. Enough said about that.

One year ago, my sister-in-law died. She was my favorite part of the siblings. She was a bright shining light and as I told her (repeatedly), she was the epitome of God's perfect love walking on this earth.

Last week, my "second mother" died. Through a period of 20 years, she and I had formed a bond that was very close. We were supposed to take a trip this month. We'd been talking about it for some time.

Three of the most important people in my world are dead in less than three years.

Please don't suggest counseling, as I'm already seeing someone who's wonderful but we have the bare-bones fact that this is a lot of loss in a short time. I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.

Thanks.
I re-read your post and honestly cannot fathom that much loss in so short of time. It's like being in a rowboat with no oars, no compass, no anchor, no land in sight and you fear another storm coming. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

I agree others that time will heal this (more or less), but I would also ask,"What are all these losses trying to teach me?" It's turning the question "Why is this happening to me?" on it's head and looking at it from a different perspective. I don't have any answers--just throwing the idea out to see if the question rings any bells. I have a Catholic background so within that context I personally would consider your experience a "Dark Night of the Soul." It might be worth looking into St. John of the Cross and the writings of other mystics and experts on the subject. A good place to start are any books by Thomas Moore. Again, in the Catholic context this has to do with becoming closer to God, but in broader terms you could be experiencing a crisis of Self.

Take this with a grain of salt. I'm just throwing it out there.....
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Old 11-26-2018, 12:18 PM
 
1,078 posts, read 815,978 times
Reputation: 4319
The year I lost my 19 year old son in a car accident, we also lost his paternal grandfather, my SIL's mother, and two life long family friends with a span of two months.

It got to where none of us wanted to answer the phone.

We threw our shoulders back, prayed a lot, and took life one heartbeat at a time, for a long time.

If you are an animal person, it helps to have something big and furry to hug. For me it was my son's Rottweiler and being able to go to the barn to let my horse blow in my ear and wrap his big ole head around my neck. That horse was with me 24 of his 27 years and saw me thru several life-changing situations. He was my best therapy
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Old 11-26-2018, 01:38 PM
 
Location: Milwaukee Area of WI
1,886 posts, read 1,299,133 times
Reputation: 1988
Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyDogToday View Post
Most of what I might have said has already been said and more. All of us have losses, some way more than others. I personally have sustained more than my share in the last few years.

With loss of significant people and pets , I take comfort in the memories and know with certainty that we will be together again when I cross over.

I have lost homes and jobs but they are replaceable. I have created my new home and found other jobs and ways to use my creativity and to engrage in life.

Stay stuck in the past and it leads to depression. Obcess on the future and you will become a prisoner of anxiety.

Key is to live in the moment, the hour, the day. Celebrate each breath and be grateful for what you have now. Cherish the good times and set out to make some more.

Live like dogs do, in the present moment. This is how I get through and try to sustain my life. Enjoy what you have, who you are, the gifts you are given daily.

A lot of it has to do with attitude, really. How you view your life.

"Get busy living or get busy dying." (Stephen King)
Yes, this post says it all.
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Old 11-26-2018, 02:09 PM
 
Location: Dayton, OH
612 posts, read 276,937 times
Reputation: 2658
Quote:
Originally Posted by brava4 View Post
Yes, we all have an expiration date.
Good thing, too, or this world would be very crowded.
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Old 11-26-2018, 02:35 PM
 
Location: Central Ohio
620 posts, read 255,376 times
Reputation: 1191
Rosemary, I am so very sorry for your losses. I was the same age as you when I lost my daughter and my dad in the same week. Felt like I had been socked in the gut and all the air and energy went out of me. I have no great words of wisdom, but I did feel that I learned some valuable lessons: to cherish every moment (ok, not every moment!) with those I love. To be grateful for every day, because everything can change in an instant. To be thankful for the time that we did have together, even if I felt it ended too soon. Another thing was that material possessions no longer held any interest for me....while I was not terribly materialistic before this, I found that all that matters are other people/living creatures. Fancy cars, big houses, etc became utterly meaningless.

I wish I had a magic wand, or some words that would make your pain go away, but as another poster said, sometimes there are valuable lessons to be learned from loss. Time will make the pain less, but it will never go away entirely. This past week, I made a donation to light/decorate a tree in the garden of a hospital where my daughter once was treated and she said everyone was so nice to her. Opportunities like this may arise to help you heal, allowing you to honor your departed loved ones and bring some joy to others at the same time. I wish you peace and healing.
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Old 11-26-2018, 02:42 PM
 
6,346 posts, read 3,598,829 times
Reputation: 22226
Quote:
Originally Posted by Daisy Grey View Post
I re-read your post and honestly cannot fathom that much loss in so short of time. It's like being in a rowboat with no oars, no compass, no anchor, no land in sight and you fear another storm coming. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

I agree others that time will heal this (more or less), but I would also ask,"What are all these losses trying to teach me?" It's turning the question "Why is this happening to me?" on it's head and looking at it from a different perspective. I don't have any answers--just throwing the idea out to see if the question rings any bells. I have a Catholic background so within that context I personally would consider your experience a "Dark Night of the Soul." It might be worth looking into St. John of the Cross and the writings of other mystics and experts on the subject. A good place to start are any books by Thomas Moore. Again, in the Catholic context this has to do with becoming closer to God, but in broader terms you could be experiencing a crisis of Self.

Take this with a grain of salt. I'm just throwing it out there.....
A book that helped me a lot and was an enjoyable and humorous read was by C. S. Lewis - "The Screwtape Letters."
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Old 11-26-2018, 04:02 PM
 
342 posts, read 142,566 times
Reputation: 1277
We are all different in our response to loss of loved ones. Maybe being brought up Catholic my attitude is matter-of-fact as death was discussed from an early age as part of life. Even thought I haven't been Catholic for 50 years now that part stuck with me.

Obviously it is harder to lose people you see daily or gave birth to. Those are huge losses because your life has lost big amounts of emotional connection. I joke with my husband I'd get many dogs (we have none) but hope I go first.
You have to keep moving forward, even a little bit. Remember the good times but continue living because you carry their memory in you so they are alive in your heart and mind. You still have them, but in a different way.
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Old 11-26-2018, 04:09 PM
 
3,603 posts, read 1,409,463 times
Reputation: 7092
"...how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories."

in the last 300 days:
my wife's mother, father, best friend, and favorite cousin have died.
yes, we are at that age when precious people pass away.
some were anticipated, some surprised us when they left so young.

navigation:
fortunately, my wife is detail oriented and is the executrix for her parents.
that has given her lots of "details" to handle. after all the work is finished,
she will probably go on a trip to Europe since she likes traveling.
i will not go with her.
i will stay home to take care of my 94-year-old mother
and our 16-year-old dog. the possibilities of them passing on
within the next 300 days are approaching 100%.
she will really, really miss our dog.
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Old 11-26-2018, 04:40 PM
 
1,201 posts, read 668,645 times
Reputation: 4150
Rosemary, I am truly sorry for the losses you have endured. I can somewhat understand how you feel as I have had three very important people to me die within the past few years. The last was a dear friend who went through thick and thin with me over decades, similar to a beloved sister.

Shortly after two deaths I forced myself to eat but I could taste nothing. It all seemed like cardboard in my mouth. I was later told by a doc that it was a ramification of shock. Everyone can react in different ways and dealing with the pain is also a personal path.

I do find I am grateful for each day I am alive and healthy as it is so easy to take life for granted. It does get "better" in the sense of acceptance and appreciation for those people who enriched your life. I cherish the memories. Wishing you the best.
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Old 11-26-2018, 04:45 PM
 
850 posts, read 222,672 times
Reputation: 1400
I have experienced loss but not to the world-altering extent that you have. In grieving the death of my mother, I found the book "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion helpful in understanding the emotional and physiological shock of surviving the death of a loved one. Perhaps you might find it helpful as well.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Ye...gical_Thinking
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