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Old 11-29-2018, 01:55 PM
 
Location: Milwaukee Area of WI
1,886 posts, read 1,293,458 times
Reputation: 1988

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Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
I saw this the first day you posted and I have been thinking about it. No one lives to be my age without losing friends and family. And many of us lost a spouse or SO.

Years ago I learned an important lesson. Stop trying to change things you can't change. All the grief in the world will never bring back this person/people/pet you love. All this grief just serves to waste the time I have left. All these people who died would never have wished or wanted me to do anything but go on to live the best life possible. They would have wanted me to have a ball. Their time was up but mine wasn't. That's not something I can change. One of these days my time will be up too. Until then I will love the people I have left and make sure they know it. I will have the best life I can!

When I die, I hope the friends I have left will have a party or at least raise a glass to me and my life. Then I want no grief. Go out and have the best life possible! My time was up and theirs was not!


I LOVE THIS!!
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Old 11-29-2018, 02:01 PM
 
Location: NJ
10,666 posts, read 21,336,483 times
Reputation: 8813
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
I'm only 59. About 2-1/2 years ago, my husband - whom I dearly loved and prayed for and cherished every day - came home for lunch and put a bullet in his brain. I lost everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. The house, the car, my income, my social standing, my career, etc. Suicide will mess you up. Enough said about that.

One year ago, my sister-in-law died. She was my favorite part of the siblings. She was a bright shining light and as I told her (repeatedly), she was the epitome of God's perfect love walking on this earth.

Last week, my "second mother" died. Through a period of 20 years, she and I had formed a bond that was very close. We were supposed to take a trip this month. We'd been talking about it for some time.

Three of the most important people in my world are dead in less than three years.

Please don't suggest counseling, as I'm already seeing someone who's wonderful but we have the bare-bones fact that this is a lot of loss in a short time. I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.

Thanks.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have not lost anyone to suicide; I can't even imagine how hard it is. Back in 2006 to about 2008 (I wasn't 40 yet), we lost 13 people, one was my dad to cancer; I was very close to him, worked with him all of my life and cared for him 8 months. 6 weeks later my hubs dad passed from brain cancer that he found out he had something wrong as we walked in from my dads viewing. I'll never forget it. Before that, my daughters aunts hub passed, he was under 50; then 6 months later my daughters aunt passed, she just turned 40. Was very hard to not only bury her husband but her as well. His father had gone the year before. One person that passed away was a kid in my daughters class.

I'd like to say things get easier with loss but when you lose some people, the hurt never goes away. I still cry every day for my dad. We just had this incredible bond. He was a great person too, had recently retired. I don't know why he wasn't able to enjoy some retirement after serving on a rescue squad a lot of his adult life.

I hope you don't lose anyone for a while like we did. It sucks!

Big hugs.
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Old 11-29-2018, 07:20 PM
 
576 posts, read 444,270 times
Reputation: 1663
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
I'm only 59. About 2-1/2 years ago, my husband - whom I dearly loved and prayed for and cherished every day - came home for lunch and put a bullet in his brain. I lost everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. The house, the car, my income, my social standing, my career, etc. Suicide will mess you up. Enough said about that.

One year ago, my sister-in-law died. She was my favorite part of the siblings. She was a bright shining light and as I told her (repeatedly), she was the epitome of God's perfect love walking on this earth.

Last week, my "second mother" died. Through a period of 20 years, she and I had formed a bond that was very close. We were supposed to take a trip this month. We'd been talking about it for some time.

Three of the most important people in my world are dead in less than three years.

Please don't suggest counseling, as I'm already seeing someone who's wonderful but we have the bare-bones fact that this is a lot of loss in a short time. I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.

Thanks.
Mother died 12/20/2012.
Husband diagnosed with cancer March 2013.
Older cat died 7/3/2013.
Husband died 10/5/2013.
Other cat died 1/28/2014.
Father died 10/28/2015.

I was 58 when my husband died, not much older than you were. And yes, it IS a lot of lost in a short time. We are at the age when long-lived parents die off, but the husbands should not have died this soon. How have I navigated it? One day at a time. I stayed put for two years and then moved. I made new friends. I started a new life. I cherish the family members I have. No, you don't get over the losses, but you DO find a place for them. For you, I suggest you sign up at Widowed Village (Widowed Village). It's full of people who get it, including survivors of suicide.
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Old 11-30-2018, 02:16 AM
 
1,780 posts, read 2,164,956 times
Reputation: 5877
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I have not lost anyone to suicide; I can't even imagine how hard it is.

Big hugs.

Thank you very much for saying that. It's kind and helpful and compassionate. And it's accurate.

Suicide is a game-changer. Folks may innocuously make comparisons in losing someone to a sudden death, but losing a spouse or child to suicide has little in common with losing a spouse or child to a "natural" death (disease process, age or accident).

There's just no comparison.

That aside, I am genuinely and sincerely grateful for the many heart-felt and compassionate replies. As to therapy...when your spouse comes home for lunch and blows out his brains, therapy isn't something you "consider." It's the thing that keeps you from ending your own life. As to suicide groups, I tried several of them, and they're not my thing.

The point of the post was simply, "how do you cope with so much loss?"

Thanks again for the thoughtful responses. I am grateful.
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Old 11-30-2018, 06:15 AM
 
Location: Ft. Myers
17,628 posts, read 11,158,662 times
Reputation: 37671
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
I'm only 59. About 2-1/2 years ago, my husband - whom I dearly loved and prayed for and cherished every day - came home for lunch and put a bullet in his brain. I lost everything. EVERY SINGLE THING. The house, the car, my income, my social standing, my career, etc. Suicide will mess you up. Enough said about that.

One year ago, my sister-in-law died. She was my favorite part of the siblings. She was a bright shining light and as I told her (repeatedly), she was the epitome of God's perfect love walking on this earth.

Last week, my "second mother" died. Through a period of 20 years, she and I had formed a bond that was very close. We were supposed to take a trip this month. We'd been talking about it for some time.

Three of the most important people in my world are dead in less than three years.

Please don't suggest counseling, as I'm already seeing someone who's wonderful but we have the bare-bones fact that this is a lot of loss in a short time. I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.

Thanks.

First off, I am so sorry to hear about the terrible losses you have suffered in such a short period of time. That would take it's toll on anyone, so your feelings are absolutely understandable. Glad that you are talking to someone, and venting on here, that shows you want to go in the right direction and heal.

Old age can be a bit** sometimes. When we are young, we never think about mortality or illness, but those two things become very clear to us as we age. I think it is simply a factor of time. If you are 20 years old, there are a certain number of events that happen in that short period of time, but if you are 60, or older, you have had all those years on the planet, and thus, more time for things like this to occur.


I wish I had some answer for you, but I really don't. Just take comfort in the knowledge that you had wonderful people in your life, people who you cared about , and who loved you. So many people do not have that to look back on. If you do not work already, maybe find a job you would like, and that would keep you from sitting around, thinking about all of the negatives. Even volunteering can have benefits, as far as making a person feel better about things.


Best wishes, hope the New Year looks brighter for you.
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Old 11-30-2018, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Minnesota
560 posts, read 138,824 times
Reputation: 1671
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow View Post
I saw this the first day you posted and I have been thinking about it. No one lives to be my age without losing friends and family. And many of us lost a spouse or SO.

Years ago I learned an important lesson. Stop trying to change things you can't change. All the grief in the world will never bring back this person/people/pet you love. All this grief just serves to waste the time I have left. All these people who died would never have wished or wanted me to do anything but go on to live the best life possible. They would have wanted me to have a ball. Their time was up but mine wasn't. That's not something I can change. One of these days my time will be up too. Until then I will love the people I have left and make sure they know it. I will have the best life I can!

When I die, I hope the friends I have left will have a party or at least raise a glass to me and my life. Then I want no grief. Go out and have the best life possible! My time was up and theirs was not!
This is so true. My dad was rarely serious and everything was opportunity for a joke or a laugh. When he passed my mother, my siblings and I set about making arrangements, choosing a casket etc. As the morning progressed we ran the gamut from tears to laughter as we talked about different things Dad had said or done or perhaps would do if he were there. At one point we were laughing so hard as we joked about the casket we thought Dad would have chosen for himself and how he would have "gussied" it up that my mother was sure the people at the funeral home thought we had lost our minds. I treasure that memory of that morning because my dad would have loved that he brought us together in laughter yet one more time.
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Old 11-30-2018, 12:07 PM
 
3,934 posts, read 3,257,479 times
Reputation: 11272
We all looked forward to a fun life in retirement, but, some didn't fully comprehend that this time in our lives are also tied to the aging and dying years as well. I had just retired (07) and my wife and I bought a new house a hundred miles south of our old home, she was having difficulty breathing but I had thought is was her heart problems, turned out to be end stage lung cancer and she was gone before we had opened the moving boxes.

In the next three years after her death my older brother died, then my mother, then my niece's husband and an old friend from school days. Since 07 I've lost more family, friends, neighbors, and past co workers. At seventy three I'm now looking at my own mortality as a position in a queue, we're all in that line, the inevitable aspect of living. Like most, I had terrible moments in my grief, lost, confused, angry, and lonely. After a few years I found that time does heal to some extent, if nothing else you tend to find the world around you changing, and you simply go along with it.

How do you get used to it? I don't know that we can lay out the plan that allows that to happen. Getting up, turning on the coffee, listening to some music or news, going about your day, much like the punch drunk boxer in the twelfth round, we just do what we have to. You just begin to realize the true nature of contentment has a lot to do with not hanging back in the past, it's an old cliche but it certainly becomes the ultimate truth of the how's and why's of that thing we call survival..
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Old 11-30-2018, 01:38 PM
 
Location: New Mexico
6,542 posts, read 3,650,165 times
Reputation: 12300
It takes time to get back on your feet after a loss and you have had three tough ones. Loss is very hard and life changing but you also had wonderful experiences with wonderful people to look back on. That is a gift that we should not overlook. When my wife died I had a very difficult time for about 18 months but I realized I had to shake off the grief if I wanted to live. I had a daughter going through grief as well and I needed to support her. Until then, I had defined myself by my loss and was viewed by others as the poor guy whose wife died (this was a small town). The first thing I consciously decided to do was to say "yes" instead of "no" with social opportunities -- chances to be out with people. Secondly, I learned how to make new friends. My wife always did that and most of our friends were her connections. I intentionally made some friends who did not know her or were unlikely to know of my loss. I didn't have to carry that burden among those friends and it cleared my head a little. Finally, I moved to a different place, settled down, made more new friends, became busy with new things, and basically reinvented myself. I still carry the loss but I don't define myself by it. There are days when I do feel it much more than other days but those are few and far between.
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Old 12-01-2018, 07:33 PM
 
Location: Earth
238 posts, read 84,436 times
Reputation: 1013
I recall in 2003 when a favorite dog and a favorite aunt passed away within 24 hours! My aunt would have understood my being equally grieved. The dog's demise was sudden; my aunt was already fast fading with dementia in a nursing home.

I also had two beloved cocker spaniels, a mother and daughter, pass away within three weeks of each other. The daughter went first, and I wonder if the mother was somehow impacted. At one point the mother simply stopped eating and drinking.
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Old 12-02-2018, 03:35 PM
 
Location: Ohio
19,870 posts, read 14,217,545 times
Reputation: 16058
Quote:
Originally Posted by RosemaryT View Post
I suspect it's part of getting older, but how do you navigate so much loss? I guess I want to hear real life examples and stories.
It's just what happens. Everything dies. Our Sun will die, as will our Solar System and Universe, eventually.

You can be sad if you want, and you might be, since you'll miss the pleasure of their company, but in some cases, you should be thrilled, because those people were suffering immensely and now they've been released from their pain.
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