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My grandparents on both sides moved between WW1-2 in the Depression years, looking for work to support their parents and siblings. My parents moved in the 50s, 60s and 70s for my father's work. I moved in the 80s. My son moved in 2005. Maybe some people have long-settled roots, but my families didn't (although the earliest my ancestors came to the US was 1670 and the most recent was 1840).
And, having to put everything on hold to care for my father, I'd never do that to my son (also, since I was married and my husband made a very good living, we could afford for my career to be second to caring for my father). If it is just me I might move a little closer to him (instead of 750 miles), but only to see him a bit more often and because he'd be the only living family I have. But take care of me, no.
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Well, I miss her. But no, I do not resent her living her own life. We raise our kids with the aim of helping them reach independence; that was the whole point.
It was the whole point and I'm so proud of what my son has achieved. He has lived in Chicago the entire time he was in college ~ about a 6 hour drive ~ but still doable.
Then he got a full ride scholarship for grad school in Florida and a teaching stipend. I was so happy for him because he got so depressed in the Chicago winters and I thought the sunshine would do him good.
But ~ I was sadder than I thought when he drove off (in my old car) for a state that i can only reach by plane . I'm divorced, both parents dead, and I suddenly felt . . without any anchor at all. I don't ever see him moving back here and I'm not from here so it's like suddenly I'm thinking about .. . . where will I retire? Here? Where?
I don't see him staying in any one place for several years yet so I certainly can't follow him around - though we both have a gypsy spirit.
That said, it was fun to visit him in Florida and he came home for Thanksgiving and will be back for Christmas so . not so bad.
For those of you who have adult children who moved far away - how do you feel about it? How often do you see them? Is there any resentment that they left and now you only seem them a few times a year? Did you have kids thinking that they would remain close by for your lifetime? or did you want them to "spread their wings and soar" type of thing?
I "moved far away" for career. My life was overly busy with my job, husband, kids, and other obligations. I called my parents once a week and flew home to visit with my family once every couple of years and it wasn't enough. my parents were never satisfied with my efforts and let me know every time I called or visited I should be available to them much more often. Only twice did they make the long trip and come to my home to visit in almost thirty years.
I finally quit trying.
Tread carefully with your criticism and try to remember what you had on your plate at your kids' age. after all, we raise our kids to be independent don't we? that is the goal of successful parenting.
Last edited by texan2yankee; 12-01-2018 at 06:26 PM..
For work reasons, both mine and my wife's, we moved far away from my parents after college. We lived in 4 different states in 30 years. I just recently moved back to the same state they're in and it's been a nice change. Living an hour's drive away, I don't have to take vacation time to visit them and they don't have to endure air travel to visit me at my house.
I think that's one of the unsung side benefits of people not working for the same employer for their entire careers anymore. If there's a better job in a place you want to move to, you can take that new opportunity.
We have recently moved away from home in northern Illinois to FL to be snowbirds for at the most 2 years before we can sell everyone in IL, 2 properties. My parents are 74/76 (Mom's health took a turn for a bit recently so I feel guilty for not being there even though she is doing better) and we've two daughters at home in IL 23/24 who want to follow us here in FL. That is the extent of close family in IL. We did get a dumpster to downsize and get rid of a lot so we have little possessions which is so much easier!
This trip this winter is sort of like gently breaking the ties as we'll be back in May. Trying to get the kids to be independent, lol. We have talked for years of doing this so it isn't a shock. We always wanted beach/ocean in our lives and now we are retired for 5 yrs. it is time.
If one of my parents leaves this world, we hope to bring the other down here to live with us or near by. Everyone needs to live their own lives and follow their dreams and for us it makes sense to jump in now.
Resent your children living their lives the way they see fit? How is that even a question? I can't imagine being so selfish.
I can't imagine spending your life living where your parents want you to live rather than where you want to live (or need to live out of economic necessity).
Adult children aren't slaves to their parents.
I think you'd be surprised by the number of parents who selfishly want/expect some kind of 'coming home.'
I left my hometown over 30 years ago and even though my mother doesn't live there any longer she has always hinted that I must miss living so far away from our huge family. I think she sees it as some kind of rejection.
My parents never wanted kids and once we all left home, they got what they wanted and were happy with that for a couple years. I visited them four times after I left home and never went back again after a fight with my father in the 80s, which is the last time I saw him. I think he was just fine with that, even though my mom might have missed me.
But when my dad died, my mom went east to live near the one son who married and had kids. She got tired of that after a while and then moved in with her sister and niece in the same town in the Midwest us kids grew up in and couldn't wait to leave. I practically ran away from home and both my brothers went into the Navy.
My mom goes to visit my brother and his wife once a year, and I think she's enjoying it more because their kids are grown and gone (or almost gone) now. I don't know when my other brother visits her and I will probably see her once more before she dies. We're not an especially close family.
What's weird is over the years, my mom has lived in half a dozen different states (mainly because of my dad's job), but her twin sister is still living in the same house she and her husband bought in the early 60s and her three kids, plus a grandchild and a great grandchild, all live within a half hour's drive. My cousin still lives at home in her 50s and has had the same job since she was 18. Just a difference in families, I guess.
I think my mom would be happier with more visits, but I doubt she regrets us kids moving so far away. And my aunt is happy all her kids are near her.
When I met my husband, we moved all over the place. A few months here then up and spend a few months there. It was great, we met a lot of people and learned a lot about the country in general. When people talk about the US, they don't see it as we have, and think everyone lives and thinks just like they do.
For example, I live in an ultra-liberal portion of the Northeast. My coworkers cant understand how Donald Trump ever became president, and think if he gets reelected that that is proof that there is something wrong with our election system.
Having lived all over the country, except for 5 border tier Pacific Northwest states, I can easily understand how DT's 'Make America Great Again' message got to the heart of what's wrong with the US for many people out there.
It will not loosen my faith in the system if he is reelected again (afterall, my TDA did almost double in value in the last year). It will just show that people who helped him get elected believe he has fulfilled at least some of his promises, and have decided to elect him again. It will not surprise me if my liberal coworkers are beside themselves with disbelief.
At any rate, the one constant we always had was his parents home. It was the family to go see on holidays, the steady address to forward paychecks and tax statements to when you didn't know where year-end would find you. The place we ended up moving to when we finally decided to settle down, and the place everyone has seen their last days at, except for me, but it is my home.
It was great to be able to spread our wings and soar in our youth, and always have in the back our minds that that stability, and his parents, had our back.
Our two adult boys live close to us. One lives right beside us- shared driveway and the other lives 1/2 hour drive away. I can't imagine how much we'd miss either of them if they'd moved away.
If they'd found work elsewhere, then we would all have had to accept it, but thankfully they didn't have to.
I miss my closest brother enough, who lives a 6 hour drive away, so I would certainly miss my kids.
I always told my son I gave him life and it was his to live as he saw fit.
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