U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-21-2018, 03:41 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,658 posts, read 3,239,300 times
Reputation: 11917

Advertisements

Sitting here tonight, reading this thread, the thought popped into my head that I think I would rather die alone. I'm a talker sometimes and if somebody was with me, I'd probably try very hard to keep talking.

When my time to go comes, I don't want interruptions. Just let me drift off. I am not afraid. Whatever happens afterward, happens.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-21-2018, 04:25 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,850 posts, read 14,356,798 times
Reputation: 30712
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere View Post
I'm sure women in other parts of the world work, too. What they may not do is, as a matter or course, move across the country from their families. It's always puzzled me why Employee A has to move hundreds or thousands of miles to fill Job B and vice versa. Employee B could just as easily fill Job B and Employee A, Job A. But we're a very mobile society... I believe to everyone's detriment. YMMV.
Weíve been a mobile country for many, many years. Iíd hate to think we all had to stay in our old home place all our lives. For one thing, Iíd never met my DH if he had stayed ďback home in Indiana.Ē
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2018, 05:13 PM
 
20,541 posts, read 16,611,821 times
Reputation: 38571
People are acting like youíre fine and then you die. For most people thatís not the case. For most of us we will be disabled to some degree before we die (if we live long enough). I went through hell 3 years ago when I woke up unable to move without excutiating pain. I ended up getting back surgery about 10 months later but the months before that were the darkest and most despairing of my life, and part of the reason for that was that I had no one nearby to help me get through the day.

I too am a loner by nature, but during that time I felt utterly despondent. I lived in terror of falling asleep because upon waking the pain was almost too much to live through. I once laid in the rug and watched a loop of the same three infomercials for hours, because the remote was about 10 feet out of reach and I could not bear the pain to crawl to it. I really believe I have PTSD from it. I had family an hour away who came and took me for epidurals (didnít help) but the daily day to day struggle just put me in the darkest places my mind could go.

I still live in terror of that pain coming back (the surgery worked perfectly but my spine is still a mess of arthritis) but I am so, so grateful to have someone in my life now that I know I can count on. Just little things, wash my hair with a washcloth (I could not do even that). I think if I had to go through that alone again I wouldnít make it through.

I would like to have someone there on a deathbed, even just to hold my hand. I think it would make it less scary. If I ever have to put my car down I would never just leave her alone, I would baby talk her until she passed and hope to have her go with no fear at all.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2018, 06:28 PM
 
12,291 posts, read 15,187,836 times
Reputation: 8108
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunGrins View Post
"More than ever, Americans are aging alone."

Boomers, anyway, did everything in crowds from kindergarten on up through college, military, whatever...probably even nursing homes, now. We now have Elderhostel trips so we can parade around in foreign countries in groups of Boomers. Do you recall standing in line for polio vaccine? We had TB tests the same way. We hid under our desks in droves at the appointed time. We were joiners and it was normal to be part of some sort of group. My Boy Scout troop had over 100 kids going to summer camp -- where we did everything together. That's just how it was.

I, for one, am enjoying some peace and quiet and my independent existence. I live alone but have family and friends close enough where I can seek them out when I want.
As a boomer myself, I got too used to the crowds to be alone. Yes, I know you can be "alone in a crowd," but that does not include me.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-21-2018, 10:01 PM
 
3,154 posts, read 5,189,016 times
Reputation: 1770
Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
People are acting like youíre fine and then you die. For most people thatís not the case. For most of us we will be disabled to some degree before we die (if we live long enough).
^^^^ This.


I'm amazed at how many people assume they'll be in good health until they die, well into their 90s or more. They'll point to a grandparent who lived to be 95, and their parents are in their 80s and still living, so they themselves will likely do as well or better.


Truth is, those people are outliers, and even if someone lives to be 90 or more, chances are they will be significantly impaired at that point. So they'll buy their cabin in the wilderness, with plans to live their retirement there, where there is peace and tranquility, away from civilization. But no contingency plan if they don't beat the odds, and need someone to assist them later in life. Heck, even younger people sometimes need help. Ever had family or a member of the household fall ill during the middle of the night, and need someone to drive them to a clinic?


Living alone as a senior is fine if that suits someone, but would there be anyone nearby that could come to their aid if they needed help?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-22-2018, 07:51 AM
 
Location: Texas Hill Country
9,806 posts, read 5,478,673 times
Reputation: 8363
Quote:
Originally Posted by ged_782 View Post
^^^^ This.


I'm amazed at how many people assume they'll be in good health until they die, well into their 90s or more. They'll point to a grandparent who lived to be 95, and their parents are in their 80s and still living, so they themselves will likely do as well or better.


Truth is, those people are outliers, and even if someone lives to be 90 or more, chances are they will be significantly impaired at that point. So they'll buy their cabin in the wilderness, with plans to live their retirement there, where there is peace and tranquility, away from civilization. But no contingency plan if they don't beat the odds, and need someone to assist them later in life. Heck, even younger people sometimes need help. Ever had family or a member of the household fall ill during the middle of the night, and need someone to drive them to a clinic?


Living alone as a senior is fine if that suits someone, but would there be anyone nearby that could come to their aid if they needed help?

Well, A and B.


A: That is probably why "this decade of age is the new younger decade" in that one keeps it in mind and keeps doing younger, dangerous things. So when they do go out, it will be an error in the activity that costs them. Like Montaigne. WHO? Montaigne, the climber in "The Eiger Sanction" who was way over his age for doing such a stunt and died doing it.


Fiction, I know, but maybe there is a death wish in not hanging up one's ice axe, one's regulator, one's.....


B: As I've mentioned here and there, last week, a friend or two suggested we all become roommates, like the Golden Girls. If I did that, the first friend would kill me slowly, the second would kill me a lot quicker......or I would end up killing them. One is an extreme right wing anti-government conspiracy theorist and the other, also rather right wing, well, they would be trying to control my theatrical cheerleaderness. To say nothing of a change of an environment where others would force me to turn away from my essentially drug free life.



The point? There is life.......and there is life.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-22-2018, 08:24 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,769 posts, read 4,827,803 times
Reputation: 19395
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
Okay. But the second you are dead nothing that preceded the death in terms of alone versus not alone has any meaning, significance, merit or lack of merit whatsoever because you will have lost consciousness of everything that preceded your death for eternity.

Why would you say and narrow it down to 'slowly dying?' - lots of people do not 'slowly die', they die rather quickly. But any suffering mental or physical becomes insignificant and non-remembered in your complete lack of consciousness for the rest of eternity the second you die.

If you're not perceiving this idea, fine. Not everyone needs or wants to perceive it nor agrees.
Obviously (or at least it's obvious to most) we aren't aware that we died alone one second after we die, or any period for time after for that matter.

But it's the time before the actual moment of death that we are referring to when we discuss dying alone. During the days or hours of knowing that the end is coming, while our strength fades, are we lying alone in fear or sadness experiencing this? Or do we have our loved ones there to hold our hand, and tell us that we are loved and that, although it's over, your life meant something to your family or friends, and that they won't abandon you in your final hours, or forget you after you're gone.

I've been at the bedside of both my mom and my MIL as they breathed their last breath. I couldn't bear the thought that they would not have us present to tell them of our love, and make their last moments as comfortable and as comforting as possible. Dying is lonely enough, knowing that there will be no more of the good times, no more family, no more anything...possibly after. The idea of simple non-existence is so bleak. Sometimes I envy those of staunch faith for their certainty of a hereafter. It would certainly make dying easier if you thought you were actually going to "a better place", without pain or want.

I've said that I would prefer to die unexpectedly in a big splat than to lie there for days, weeks, months knowing that it's all coming to an end.

Last edited by TheShadow; 12-22-2018 at 08:59 AM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-22-2018, 01:30 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,850 posts, read 14,356,798 times
Reputation: 30712
Quote:
Originally Posted by ged_782 View Post
^^^^ This.


I'm amazed at how many people assume they'll be in good health until they die, well into their 90s or more. They'll point to a grandparent who lived to be 95, and their parents are in their 80s and still living, so they themselves will likely do as well or better.


Truth is, those people are outliers, and even if someone lives to be 90 or more, chances are they will be significantly impaired at that point. So they'll buy their cabin in the wilderness, with plans to live their retirement there, where there is peace and tranquility, away from civilization. But no contingency plan if they don't beat the odds, and need someone to assist them later in life. Heck, even younger people sometimes need help. Ever had family or a member of the household fall ill during the middle of the night, and need someone to drive them to a clinic?


Living alone as a senior is fine if that suits someone, but would there be anyone nearby that could come to their aid if they needed help?
These are excellent points. People want to age in place; I know do! But if we live long enough, we will need assistance, and not planning for this can make for difficult last years. Even though at 62, someone can go up and down stairs with ease, at 72 joints and muscles are probably protesting. And at 82, going up or down stairs can be terrifying as well as difficult.

I donít know how the article defined alone. But most elders have some family. If there is alienation or if there really is no family, then aging in place becomes harder.

I also agree that moving to a rural area is probably not a good long term plan. As we age, we need more medical services, which will be harder to get in a rural area. But most importantly, we need the support of our younger family members. It is really hard to be old and alone.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-22-2018, 01:47 PM
 
5,425 posts, read 3,445,259 times
Reputation: 13698
It's really not that unusual to have no family around.

When you're old, your parents are dead, your siblings may be dead or are also old themselves or live in far flung states. A good number of boomers did not have children or they have children who live a long way away who cannot do any care taking tasks due to distance - and adult children cannot always be expected to be heavily involved.

One may not have a spouse or significant other due to death, divorce, or having never married or not currently having a significant other.

Cousins may be of no assistance.

Last edited by matisse12; 12-22-2018 at 02:12 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-22-2018, 01:59 PM
 
11,122 posts, read 8,531,120 times
Reputation: 28089
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
That distinction is basically about friends and family being there for the person who is slowly dying. No can die for you. No one can take that place. That's a unique journey we all have to face.

With that said, I'd rather face it with loving family and friends than dying completely alone in a field of Africa somewhere that no one knew.
You really can't "face it" with family and friends. What if you go into surgery and never wake up? What if you fall into a coma and never wake up? What if you are on strong medication and aren't fully lucid during your final momements?

You may not know who is there with you. You are essentially dying alone as you may not have awareness.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

© 2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top