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Old 12-12-2018, 08:18 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,581 posts, read 17,567,761 times
Reputation: 27672

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Quote:
Originally Posted by HappyDogToday View Post
"Alone" and "lonely" are two differing things. I saw a lot of different scenarios in all the years that I worked in home health care with older adults. I also see it around me now. I don't think that conclusions or generalizations are easily made.
Agreed. I like people, but in small doses and on my terms.

I have some frustration in my life now. I don't feel like I'm "in charge" of my life. My girlfriend wanted to go out to dinner last night and to Walmart. She's still not driving, and I didn't get home until 9 (I leave for work around 7:15 AM). My aunt needs me to set up some monitors and stuff for her to WFH this evening after I get off with the office issues they're having. We have a software go-live tomorrow starting earlier than usual, so tomorrow and Friday are booked with that.

Oh, and the girlfriend wants to do chocolate covered pretzels Saturday (of course, I'll be doing most of the work and it will be at my expense) and wants me to take her to some Christmas church thing on Sunday. I'm also on-call for my job this week.

By Tuesday morning, the remainder of my week was already booked for me! Unfortunately, no one really asked me what I wanted to do this week. Things get "penciled in" on my schedule, and while some of it is unavoidable, a lot of it feels like crap.

I'd rather be "alone" than deal with this.
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Old 12-12-2018, 08:29 AM
 
11,992 posts, read 5,122,573 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
Agreed. I like people, but in small doses and on my terms.

I have some frustration in my life now. I don't feel like I'm "in charge" of my life. My girlfriend wanted to go out to dinner last night and to Walmart. She's still not driving, and I didn't get home until 9 (I leave for work around 7:15 AM). My aunt needs me to set up some monitors and stuff for her to WFH this evening after I get off with the office issues they're having. We have a software go-live tomorrow starting earlier than usual, so tomorrow and Friday are booked with that.

Oh, and the girlfriend wants to do chocolate covered pretzels Saturday (of course, I'll be doing most of the work and it will be at my expense) and wants me to take her to some Christmas church thing on Sunday. I'm also on-call for my job this week.

By Tuesday morning, the remainder of my week was already booked for me! Unfortunately, no one really asked me what I wanted to do this week. Things get "penciled in" on my schedule, and while some of it is unavoidable, a lot of it feels like crap.

I'd rather be "alone" than deal with this.
This is why, especially at almost being 60, I have no interest in a long term relationship or trying to find a partner. Speaking for myself, the pluses now in my life being on my own outweigh the minuses.
I once had a girlfriend who thought every moment outside of work had to involve her. I really needed some time to be alone at some point and told her I would like to spend a few hours on Saturday not doing anything and being by myself. She had a fit and held it against me for the remainder of our relationship.
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Old 12-12-2018, 09:00 AM
 
2,099 posts, read 715,328 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marino760 View Post
This is why, especially at almost being 60, I have no interest in a long term relationship or trying to find a partner. Speaking for myself, the pluses now in my life being on my own outweigh the minuses.

I once had a girlfriend who thought every moment outside of work had to involve her. I really needed some time to be alone at some point and told her I would like to spend a few hours on Saturday not doing anything and being by myself. She had a fit and held it against me for the remainder of our relationship.
I'm dating a guy who still works FT and lives an hour away. It's working out well! I was in a relationship with a guy like your GF and made the awful mistake of buying a 2-family house with him. He considered it a personal insult if I wanted him to go occupy his half so I could be alone.
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Old 12-12-2018, 09:39 AM
 
Location: SoCal
13,229 posts, read 6,331,374 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by athena53 View Post
Read the Caregiving Discussions. DS told me years ago that he'd take me in when I got too old and frail to live alone- but he was unmarried at the time. I loved his intentions but would never want him or DDIL to feel they had to take me in because I had no other decent options. If I'm senile, incontinent, belligerent, or just stubborn about trying to walk on my own when I have a balance problem and keep ending up on the floor- I want to be in a place where people can take care of me and go home at the end of their shift. Many caregivers end up with PTSD. Others have to give up jobs and have virtually no life because the elder needs to be watched 24/7.

I'm 65 and in excellent health- partly luck, partly healthy living. Even now there are things I won't do alone- anything on a very high ladder, for example, because there's no one to call 911 if I fall. I can deal with that- I love my independence and my beautiful, peaceful house. When I can't live here anymore, I plan to find a retirement community near DS and DDIL (they live 3 hours away) so they can look in on me but don't have to be fully responsible for me.
Often we read online that people expect to move to CCRC, but in my bridge club, one lady who has Alzheimer’s, she’s originally from Long Island, she moved to our area, her daughter bought a home across the street from her. So she has her own home, and so is her daughter’s family. They took away her license once she’s diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, her daughter drives her. I thought that’s it a very good way to get help without your parents have to live with you. I don’t know how long, she’ll be able to do that.

But for single seniors, it’s best to be near somebody for help. My sister bought a house near us. When she had to do colonoscopy, I took her there. When her house alarm goes off, my husband helped change the battery. For her yard, there’s no grass. We mulch everything and she only has roses and citrus fruit trees, very easy to take care, little maintenance. Occasionally, I go over to her house and chop her rosemary hedge down. I spend very little time taking care of her yard.
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Old 12-12-2018, 09:46 AM
 
1,090 posts, read 490,094 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SportyandMisty View Post
Maybe yes, maybe no. By the time parents go from "senior" to "elderly," children may have crossed the threshold from working into retirement.
This is definitely a ymmv situation. Everyone in my parents' generation in my family is still working (and not just for fun), and all the grandparents needing care have had to go to NH or ALF.
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Old 12-12-2018, 09:47 AM
 
Location: Illinois
257 posts, read 154,366 times
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And people on this thread and forums are alone at the time but still wish to connect with others. So they are not totally alone, isolated. And I am one of them. There is a recent book called Alone Together about this sort of thing.

Aging alone will mean something different to everyone. the word "alone" is ambiguous. How alone are you, really? To me alone means literally alone--no family (for all practical purposes) or friends that will help
and rarely call. People in rural areas might be even more isolated. Well wishers are not friends.
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Old 12-12-2018, 09:47 AM
 
Location: SoCal
13,229 posts, read 6,331,374 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marino760 View Post
This is why, especially at almost being 60, I have no interest in a long term relationship or trying to find a partner. Speaking for myself, the pluses now in my life being on my own outweigh the minuses.
I once had a girlfriend who thought every moment outside of work had to involve her. I really needed some time to be alone at some point and told her I would like to spend a few hours on Saturday not doing anything and being by myself. She had a fit and held it against me for the remainder of our relationship.
Even married people need alone time. That’s why I go painting 2 times a week, my husband gets his alone time for at least 4-8 hours each day. He also has to feed himself, eat alone, except I prep everything, he just cooks them.
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Old 12-12-2018, 10:42 AM
 
12,117 posts, read 6,692,609 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
Even married people need alone time. Thatís why I go painting 2 times a week, my husband gets his alone time for at least 4-8 hours each day. He also has to feed himself, eat alone, except I prep everything, he just cooks them.
Yes I don't understand not having one's own time and interests.

If single I would not assume everyone I met would be an overly dependent cling-on.
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:03 AM
 
Location: Lakewood OH
21,699 posts, read 23,664,674 times
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My ex wanted me to spend every waking moment not at work with him. Even when it came to watching TV. We didn’t share the same interests in TV shows but he wanted me to be there sitting next to him while he watched his programs. That was just one of the stifling things about our marriage.

After our divorce, I realized that relationships didn’t have to be either or; either be totally submissive or be alone. Mature people make compromises.

I choose not to live with a partner but I had good relationships. So I was alone but not alone. As an older person living by myself I guess I would be considered as one alone but I don’t feel alone.
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:09 AM
 
1,651 posts, read 567,483 times
Reputation: 3112
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
and there is nothing wrong with it. Some people just want to be left alone!

Amen to that!

One person's "lonely" is another's "precious privacy."

A longtime friend of mine is 79. She got divorced when in her 40s and after a few years started dating a man ten years younger than she, who was also divorced. That relationship lasted until he died suddenly of a stroke when she was 70 and he was 60. He asked her to move in together multiple times over the three decades of their relationship but she always refused, saying that overnights and the occasional weekend were as far as she was willing to go. She loved him and vice versa (he was the only post-divorce relationship she had or wanted) but she was adamant that she never wants to share her living space with anyone again. Been there done that with ex-husband and two offspring. She values her privacy and personal space too much to ever want to share it again.

Her two grown sons, now in their 50s, live within a 45 minute drive and so in cases of emergency she could call them (neither ever married and both live on their own) but she would consider that as a last resort. Her mobility has become impaired in the last year or two due to aftereffects from chemo from a second bout of breast cancer, and that bothers her but because she lives in a ground floor apartment it's mainly an issue for driving and shopping. She will probably start using one of the local supermarket's home delivery service. I think Target is starting to offer that sort of thing as well.
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