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Old 01-11-2019, 06:24 AM
7,794 posts, read 4,383,926 times
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Originally Posted by kttam186290 View Post
No, you're born with your mother, father (sometimes) and a medical staff present.
And...most people die in a hospital with some medical staff present. My meaning is, no one can go there for you.
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Old 01-14-2019, 10:28 PM
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Originally Posted by KatesKat View Post
Your advice is good but doesn't apply to millions of us out here who do not live in cities or towns. Some of us are far from senior or community centers. Some are like myself, disabled and no long able to drive. We find ourselves unable to get around like before and with no bus or subway services. Finding people around our age also looking for new friends they have things in common with is another issue altogether. My husband and I have met many people since moving to FL but none with similar interests. Or he may have something in common with the man but the wife and I share no interests. Should he pass away before me I will be left with many acquaintances but no real friends. My son lives in NY, about 800 miles away. Should I be alone some day living in NYC is out of the question due to the cost of living there.
Kate, pls don't take my question the wrong way. I did many, many 21 hour drives to FL from NY back in the day. To the best of my memory, George Washington Bridge to St. Augustine was around 1000 miles. Where in FL do you live that's 200 mi closer? My home base is Metro DC now.

If I could drive wherever you are doing a 15 hour haul (I-95, 750 mi) I'd get a condo there in a fast heartbeat! I'm pretty close to retirement, and work from home (finally!). In theory, doesn't matter where I live, although I likely would not ever give up my condo here because it is close to fam and friends.

Conceivably, I could "snowbird" and we would be out of one another's hair as much as required. I am playing around with the idea.

As far as getting there and back - I have a dog and will not fly. Too many variables outside of my control on a plane.
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Old 02-20-2019, 09:19 AM
6,471 posts, read 4,069,179 times
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I just remembered this thread and thought I would come back to update. This was the situation. We (my six siblings and I) moved our 93-year-old dad to assisted living when he needed more help than the sister he was living with could provide. That sister died shortly thereafter, leaving him alone in a town where none of the rest of us lived. We didn't want to move him again for his own well-being, but we made a schedule where we took turns visiting once a month to check on him. I got a little backlash when I mentioned this:

Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
So what happens when the Assisted Living place fires him off to the emergency room?

Most people in Assisted Living have some level of dementia and can't drive. How does he get to the dentist? How does he get to the doctor?

When my mother was in assisted living, I got those phone calls that she'd been ejected to the ER in an ambulance. I tried to get her to doctor/dentist appointments myself but I spent $20K per year hiring outside help to come in weekly to do those kinds of things when I couldn't do them. It would have been more if I'd let the Assisted Living place provide those services and bill me.

If you choose to warehouse your parent in assisted living far away and visit for 2 or 3 days every couple of months, it's eventually going to create a mushroom cloud.
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
I'm trying to do the reality check on someone who thinks visiting a parent in assisted living for a few days every couple of months is going to end well. You can put it on autopilot for a while but you eventually get the phone call where the ALF informs you they can't keep them unless you shell out huge money for constant 1-on-1. And you eventually face the time when they decay to the point where the ALF ejecting them to the ER is a fairly frequent thing. Unless you feed them enormous piles of money, that's not their business dealing with that level of issue. Doing it from a long distance eventually is no longer viable for many/most people.
About two weeks after these posts, right after Christmas, Dad developed pneumonia, and was admitted to the hospital. My brother and sister who each live about 3 hours away (in opposite directions) immediately went over to see him and consult with the doctors. Dad recovered from the infection, but it was clear that he was fading fast. He had advanced heart disease, his breathing became labored, he stopped eating or drinking much, and he was extremely weak. He also became mentally disoriented, which he had never been before. So after about ten days we made the decision to release him from the hospital back to hospice care at his assisted living facility. It was more expensive, of course, but we knew he did not have long to live.

All of us had the chance to visit him and say good-bye. I went on the weekend of Jan. 19-21. A few weeks before, we'd talked to him on Christmas and he was just as always, cheerful and alert. He had recited "The Night Before Christmas" to my kids from memory, as he did every year. It was so difficult to see him in bed now and hardly able to carry on a conversation. We all did our best to make him comfortable, but on Jan. 30 he passed away peacefully. The funeral was this past Sunday.

I'll repeat this quote from GeoffD,

I'm trying to do the reality check on someone who thinks visiting a parent in assisted living for a few days every couple of months is going to end well.
What does it mean, "end well"? Does anyone think that caring for an elderly parent is going to end without the parent dying? Our assisted living experience ended as well as anyone could expect. Dad got the best of care. He didn't spend an extended period of time ill and incapacitated; it was just the last four weeks that he was in bed. He got to be in his own room, with many visits from by family and friends, and cared for by the staff he was familiar with. He was a favorite among them because he was always gracious and polite and, when asked, would quote from the reams of poetry he had memorized when young and still remembered. He died not from neglect or severe disease but because he was 94 and his body was too worn out to go on. He had a long, full, productive, and happy life. It ended well.
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