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Old 12-12-2018, 11:11 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,541 posts, read 17,535,380 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
Often we read online that people expect to move to CCRC, but in my bridge club, one lady who has Alzheimer’s, she’s originally from Long Island, she moved to our area, her daughter bought a home across the street from her. So she has her own home, and so is her daughter’s family. They took away her license once she’s diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, her daughter drives her. I thought that’s it a very good way to get help without your parents have to live with you. I don’t know how long, she’ll be able to do that.

But for single seniors, it’s best to be near somebody for help. My sister bought a house near us. When she had to do colonoscopy, I took her there. When her house alarm goes off, my husband helped change the battery. For her yard, there’s no grass. We mulch everything and she only has roses and citrus fruit trees, very easy to take care, little maintenance. Occasionally, I go over to her house and chop her rosemary hedge down. I spend very little time taking care of her yard.
The CCRCs and the like are for the affluent. There's a whole spectrum of "other" out there that has to figure out how to do something else.
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:19 AM
 
1,622 posts, read 557,035 times
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Originally Posted by marino760 View Post
I once had a girlfriend who thought every moment outside of work had to involve her. I really needed some time to be alone at some point and told her I would like to spend a few hours on Saturday not doing anything and being by myself. She had a fit and held it against me for the remainder of our relationship.
My son once had a girlfriend like that. They lived together for almost three years. She was a drama queen and I could see the tension it was causing for him. He used to play Midnight Hockey in a mens league on Saturday nights but she soon put a stop to that. Then she started calling him on his cell phone when he'd go for a "run" after work to try to keep in shape because of no longer playing hockey, if he was gone more than 20 or 30 minutes: "Are you on your way back yet?" If I needed him to come over and help me with something like moving furniture, it was a sure bet she'd call asking how soon he'd be home. It was hard for me to bite my tongue and not say anything but eventually the relationship blew up for that and other reasons. My private names for her (which I never let on to my son, even afterward) were Velcro Girl and The Girlfriend From Hell.
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:21 AM
 
Location: equator
3,410 posts, read 1,523,023 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
The CCRCs and the like are for the affluent. There's a whole spectrum of "other" out there that has to figure out how to do something else.
Amen to that. There's no nursing homes or the like down here. Would-be expats always ask about that but no, that's not the culture. We have one infirm lady downstairs on a walker and nobody knows what's she's doing; rarely see her. A taxi comes to her door and the driver helps her shop. That's all we know. The builder frequently says: "This is not assisted living!"

Not sure what we'll do "when the time comes". Paying a caregiver here would be affordable...
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:26 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marino760 View Post
It's a cultural thing. Somewhere around the last couple of generations, people in the U.S. stopped taking care of their elders and put them in nursing homes.
In many other parts of the world, elders even with their health problems live with family members and never see a nursing home, like they've done for thousands of years.
It’s a different culture, different circumstances. For me personally, either me or one of my siblings ( we are all states apart -many hours) would have to quit our jobs, sell our homes and move into our parents home. This separation and independence does not occur much in those societies your are referring to. Plus, it is almost ALWAYS a daughter that would do this. Today, here, daughters have no less responsibilities and busy lives than men have.

Last edited by ChessieMom; 12-12-2018 at 12:11 PM..
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:28 AM
 
Location: Central NY
4,653 posts, read 3,235,973 times
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I'm not sure which situation above I am responding to, but I am so grateful that I learned how to say NO.

Doesn't have to be a mean answer; can offer a decent explanation of why (wanting alone time is certainly a decent explanation). But if a person presses for me to change my mind, my tone of voice changes and there is no mistake I said no.
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:35 AM
 
25,971 posts, read 32,970,649 times
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Originally Posted by SportyandMisty View Post
Maybe yes, maybe no. By the time parents go from "senior" to "elderly," children may have crossed the threshold from working into retirement.
So, if one is retired they should become caregivers?
Nope. I’m not yet retired, but I assure you there is NWIH I’ll be a caregiver for my parents. Not happening.
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:36 AM
 
13,872 posts, read 7,386,288 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marino760 View Post
It's a cultural thing. Somewhere around the last couple of generations, people in the U.S. stopped taking care of their elders and put them in nursing homes.
In many other parts of the world, elders even with their health problems live with family members and never see a nursing home, like they've done for thousands of years.

Not so much cultural as the reality that most couples in the US are dual income. At the point where their parents need to go to a skilled nursing facility, there are far too many life commitments to have any option but a nursing home. If you're age 50 trying to accumulate wealth so you're not poverty level when you can no longer work, having a spouse drop out of the labor force is a disaster.


When my mother hit the point where her dementia had progressed to where she couldn't live independently, I was single. I had a travel job. I own a small house. My sister is 2,500 miles away and is even more of a road warrior than I am. I had no option but assisted living. 6 months ago, I had to move her to a memory care facility. That's 24x7 supervision and pretty much weekly eyeballs from a geriatric physician and a geriatric psychiatrist. I couldn't possibly handle that even if I weren't working.
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:43 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SportyandMisty View Post
Maybe yes, maybe no. By the time parents go from "senior" to "elderly," children may have crossed the threshold from working into retirement.
I'm 32. My parents are 61. I'll be 51 when they are 80. Who knows - they may not need much help at 80, but again, they could both be dead by then. I highly doubt I'll be able to accumulate enough wealth to retire by 51.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
It’s a different culture, different circumstances. For me personally, either me or one of my siblings ( we are all states apart -many hours) would have to quit our jobs, sell our homes and move into our parents home. This separation and independence does not occur much in those societies your are referring to. Plus, it is almost ALWAYS a daughter that would do this. Today, here, daughters have no less responsibilities and busy lives that men have.
My local culture is very much one of "everyone stays local to care for the elders." It's almost Asian in that sense. I don't care that much for living here. The job market is limited. My parents have never lived anywhere else for a meaningful time and likely won't move.

What happens if my job goes? I have to move to keep myself afloat. I'm not optimistic that if they are 75, needing assistance, and I'm living in Raleigh or Charlotte, that they would actually move there to take the burden off of me. I believe the expectation would be for me to come back here to help them.
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
7,596 posts, read 4,674,480 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
Not so much cultural as the reality that most couples in the US are dual income. At the point where their parents need to go to a skilled nursing facility, there are far too many life commitments to have any option but a nursing home. If you're age 50 trying to accumulate wealth so you're not poverty level when you can no longer work, having a spouse drop out of the labor force is a disaster.
I think what people in their 30s, 40s and 50s ought to be doing is telling their parents — both sets, the spouses need to be on the same page about this — that there is no way they will be caregivers for their elders. Couch it in loving terms, of course, but repeat it often enough so there is no mistake.

So what if you’re left out of their will? Life is infinitely more precious than money. One can be replaced. The other can’t.
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Old 12-12-2018, 11:59 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,541 posts, read 17,535,380 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat View Post
I think what people in their 30s, 40s and 50s ought to be doing is telling their parents — both sets, the spouses need to be on the same page about this — that there is no way they will be caregivers for their elders. Couch it in loving terms, of course, but repeat it often enough so there is no mistake.

So what if you’re left out of their will? Life is infinitely more precious than money. One can be replaced. The other can’t.
I don't think it has to be "either, or."

My parents and generally excellent people. I'll help them to the extent I can. My dad tweaked his knee at work last week, and I went over there out of my way a couple nights ago to roll the trash down the steep, snow-covered driveway.

With things like FaceTime and electronic communication/bill pay all being relatively easy to do, more can be done for an aging relative "from away."

I'll do what I reasonably can. If I move to Raleigh for a job, I can't be coming back to Kingsport every two weeks while mom and dad stub up and refuse to move. I can't be expected to potentially work here for sixty cents on the dollar of what I could make in a similar cost of living area. I can't forfeit my life to care for an obstinate relative, but I can try to work with them where I can in good faith.
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