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I'm fast approaching retirement from my second career. I've spent most of my working life trying to do the right things financially by living well below my means, saving money when I could, investing fairly wisely and socking a nice nest egg into my federal TSP. When I retire next month I plan to do some traveling, spend time with friends, work around my home, hike in the woods, ride my bike, read books from a stack that I've collected, take long walks with my dog and engage in creative pursuits that took a back seat when I was working full time.
I'm currently single, never had children and in excellent health. All that said I'm really looking forward to this chapter of my life. Other than having to manage my budget more closely once I'm not working I'm not too concerned about my day to day expenses. At this point my only real concern is providing care for my mother. My mom is in her early 80's and lives in an apartment nearby. My mom and I aren't close and I have no siblings, nor is there any extended family. She lived alone for many years in Florida where she moved after divorcing my dad. At the time I was in the Navy and deployed overseas and had no idea she was considering moving to Florida until the day I got a letter from her with a Florida address. For thirty years she worked in retail and had a small apartment in one of the beach towns on the Gulf Coast. Because we aren't close and I was deployed a lot we remained in touch only with letters, phone calls and visits every few years. In 2012 it became apparent to me that she was having difficultly supporting herself living alone in Florida. Seeing no other alternatives I suggested that she move up closer to me in Tennessee and we could find her an apartment. We set her up in an apartment in a nice complex and furnished it with items that she'd brought with her from Florida and items that I purchased for her. Among other things I bought her a new bed, furniture for her new home, items for her kitchen and small flat screen TV .
My mom hasn't driven in years so I usually pick her up once a week to run her errands and take her to breakfast or lunch if she's in the mood to go. She gets a modest social security check that pays the rent for her apartment. I pay the rest of her bills (e.g. cable, utilities, mobile phone, groceries, clothing, etc.) I had been giving her $150.00 a month for her cigarettes, booze, books, magazines and what ever else she wanted to purchase. Since making the decision to retire I've curtailed the amount of cash that I'd been giving her. She reads a lot so I order her books from Amazon that are delivered to her apartment.
Sadly in the six years that my mom has lived in this area she's made no real friends. In spite of the fact that I've been more than willing to take her to anywhere she wants to go she's made no attempt to engage in any social activities, attend adult education classes or even attend a church where she might meet people with her interests or her own age. My mom is still quite meticulous about her appearance. Before going out for the day she does her nails, fixes her make up and coifs her hair as she has for years. One moment she'll tell me how lonely she is and how she misses Florida but five minutes later she'll state that she's content to read, watch QVC on cable and work on crossword puzzles. When I was a kid she was active with beading and jewelry making. In an effort to encourage her to be engaged in a creative activity I took her to Hobby Lobby and let her pick out a few hundred dollars of beading and jewelry making supplies. To date these have sat on her dining room table unused. I'm fully aware that I'm not responsible for her happiness but I find it troubling that she chooses to live as she does.
Most troubling of all is that she refuses to go to the doctor. I have no idea when the last time was that she saw a primary care doctor for an annual physical exam or wellness check. When I ask her about it she scoffs at me and says "I'm fine! I don't need to go to the doctor!" My mom has smoked cigarettes since she was a teen and undoubtedly has COPD. She's unable to walk up a flight of stairs, has trouble with her balance, has limited knee flexibility without pain, is hard of hearing and complains about eye trouble. In spite of that refuses to go to the doctor. She is adamant about denying the need for modern medicine and cites old age for all that ails her. Any suggestions that I make that she go to the doctor soon digress into pointless arguments. I've discussed this issue with my attorney who assured me that I have little recourse so long as she's lucid and able to make her own personal decisions. I dread the day that my mom's health deteriorates and she needs home health or skilled care. At first I was frustrated with her stubbornness and refusal to go to the doctor. Over the years that frustration has turned to resentment as I know that ultimately I'll have to make some serious decisions regarding her care. Furthermore, she's secretive about her personal finances which is one of the reasons that I curtailed her allowance.
I'd appreciate anyone's insight that has encountered a similar frustrating situation with a parent or other family member. Thanks!
Irish
Last edited by irishcopper; 08-30-2018 at 12:13 AM..
Your attorney is correct. She is an adult and can make her own decisions.
Just keep doing what you are doing, which is more than a lot of people would do. Let her do what she wants to do. Use the library instead of buying books.
Be proactive and look for a nursing home and what you would need to do to place her there. Unless you want to be her caregiver.
Your attorney is correct. She is an adult and can make her own decisions.
Just keep doing what you are doing, which is more than a lot of people would do. Let her do what she wants to do. Use the library instead of buying books.
Be proactive and look for a nursing home and what you would need to do to place her there. Unless you want to be her caregiver.
Thanks for your comments as they've help validate my feelings about this situation. Unless she has sudden or progressive catastrophic medical event I don't believe that she needs to be in a nursing home. I wouldn't be a good caregiver for her and that would be very difficult for both of us. I've suggested a few senior complexes in town that also have skilled care available if and when that becomes necessary for residents. Of course she baulks at that idea as she doesn't want to be around about "bunch of old people". That's fine as they exceed what she would be able to afford and I don't have the means to pay for this either.
As a retired Social Worker I am thankful that I no longer have to deal with people like your mother. I see a 1000 issues with her life and my hat is off to you that you are trying to take care of her. Do not hesitate to contact local agencies for help. You have chosen to have your hands full. Don’t let your life be ruined.
I'm fast approaching retirement from my second career. I've spent most of my working life trying to do the right things financially by living well below my means, saving money when I could, investing fairly wisely and socking a nice nest egg into my federal TSP. When I retire next month I plan to do some traveling, spend time with friends, work around my home, hike in the woods, ride my bike, read books from a stack that I've collected, take long walks with my dog and engage in creative pursuits that took a back seat when I was working full time.
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I'd appreciate anyone's insight that has encountered a similar frustrating situation with a parent or other family member. Thanks!
Irish
You actually sound like you have done an amazing job at tending and care. I personally know a lot of parents that would swap kids with your mom in a second!!!
You've done a great job. Already you have taken on more responsibility than many would for your mother's previous financial decisions. Try not to add on the burden of making yourself responsible for her emotional well-being, beyond your current suggestions and logistical support.
I'd only suggest to prepare for the next stages of her life by researching various care options. She may need additional hands-on nursing support while still living in her apartment. Are there any local programs that may have wait-lists you need to get her on to? For the very last stages of her life, your mother may well require a SNF that with her income level will involve Medicaid. That, too, I'd pre-investigate. Perhaps contact an attorney if only to avoid a misstep - for example, that you don't inadvertently become financially responsible to some care provider by writing a check in your name instead of one as her power-of-attorney. The last suggestion is to ensure that you have that dPA and that she has an Advanced Medical Directive.
From your post, it sounds like your mother may resist that last suggestion. Other than gentle encouragement (perhaps contact your local Agency for the Aging for help), all you can do is to research the options. Then decide for yourself how those options will fit into what you can reasonably handle - both financially, logistically, and emotionally. Determine in advance what you will and won't be able to do. Then let it go.
Ideally, your mother would be involved in that process but if she refuses (as sounds likely) then all you do is take the steps for yourself to reduce the uncertainty factor and minimize your understandable resentment. There is nothing more toxic to your future health and well-being than a combination of resentment and guilt.
I agree with the others that you've done a fantastic job with your mother.
One thing I want to point out is regarding your mother's social life. I think the one great thing about Florida is that it's filled with old people. It was probably relatively easy for your mother to have some sort of social life in Florida without really trying. She may be somewhat of an introvert and she doesn't want to put herself out there (such as your church and adult education suggestions), but if socializing were 'easy' she might benefit from it.
Bringing her to Tennessee and putting her in a regular apartment may have cut off the ease at which social interactions come her way. I would investigate possibly moving her to a seniors apartment complex if they have them where you are. At her age, she probably could use the extra oversight and she will be surrounded by people in her own age group. She can choose to partake or not, but when there is a common area to mingle, she might strike up some friendships.
Your attorney is correct. She is an adult and can make her own decisions.
Just keep doing what you are doing, which is more than a lot of people would do. Let her do what she wants to do. Use the library instead of buying books.
Be proactive and look for a nursing home and what you would need to do to place her there. Unless you want to be her caregiver.
This...
I think you are awesome...just don't let her drain you of money and your free time in retirement.
A senior home that also has skilled care should be the goal if possible. You might not do this but I'd look for a
her financial info to get an idea...have you asked her if you can go over it with her?
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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Get her into independent senior co-op housing.
These provide a lot of support to each other (within the membership).
This will offer you some freedom, and a better quality of life for her..
Individual apartments and other senior living situations create / nurture individualism, and do not offer the communal support / relationship building of a housing co-op.
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