Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
luvmyhoss, I think this is a question where you have to think about your boundaries. What behaviors are you willing to accept? How does this make you feel, and do you want a spouse who would push those buttons? Are you better off with him or without him?
Personally, I have never found that couples therapy works. I have also never found that I am able to stop someone from doing something no matter how destructive or stupid it is. I am only able to control my behavior. And I am the one who has to set my boundaries, choose my battles, emotionally distance myself from the behaviors of others, and protect myself. Our spouses don't always live up to our expectations.
Sending best wishes. I am hoping that this turns out to be only a minor bump in your road.
And just why does he have to "see her" in person? If he just wants to explain their "drifting apart", he can do that by e-mail. I'm sure she already knows why they stopped seeing one another, different relationship goals. He definitely has some fantasy about how this will go, and has been obsessing over this for a long time.
I occasionally look at my ex-husband's FB page, but it's not because I want to see him! In fact last September I was in FL less than an hour from his place and I didn't even call him. I don't ever want to see that cheating b*st*rd again. I have seen on his FB page that he has been married and divorced two more times after me. Serves him right!
Exactly what I said. An email should suffices. We’ll see.
Why is contacting this woman in his best interests? She's in his past. Seems like it's in his best interests to keep her there. What will be accomplished by him contacting her? At best he may be able to use her as a tool to assuage any guilt he has about the end of their relationship (not healthy, and also manipulative). At worst, he may leave his wife for her or wish he could. Where is the good and productive outcome for him in this?
And did you seriously suggest that on the off chance OP dies before he does (not statistically likely), she should be happy that she helped him line up her replacement??????
This isn't directed to me but if it's ok, I'd like to comment.
Cannot speak for OffGrinder but he never said "it was in his best interests". However, some comment akin to the wife should keep the husbands best interests at heart was emphasized. Longing to see his ex for whatever reason is fine. Adultery is not. Paying a reasonable amt of money to locate them, fine. Adultery not fine.
My husband and I keep in contact with our high school ex's. Wes were engaged to our partners when we met (right after graduation). Both of our relationships fell apart. Neither of us has a facebook page but we do occasionally catch up with our ex loves. His ex got heavily into drugs yet she is now, many decades later, a fantastic lady. Same with my ex.
Imbibing with the ex is not within our moral compasses. Placing ourselves in precarious positions isn't our lifelong commitment to one another. A need to continue connecting with an ex to some degree doesn't equate to a desire for cheating, especially so late in the game.
Cheaters do not openly share with a spouse their desire of whom to cheat. It's the exact opposite.
My ex is a great guy. Hopefully my husband would be comforted to know that I would not live my remaining years alone if his number is called before mine.
Have you honestly never heard all of the people who say "well we were just friends but then one thing led to another, and..." Sometimes it's wise not to tempt fate. I doubt there's anything missing in his life that this woman could bring into it, that he simply has to contact her. So, once again, what reason is there for him to look her up? If I were his friend, I would tell him I do have his best interests at heart, and his best interest is to not break up a long (and presumably good) marriage or risk doing so just because he has some idea that the grass may be greener elsewhere.
And if he's not happy in his marriage, then he needs to either fix it, or end it, full stop, not hem and haw until he finds out whether he has something else lined up or not.
He's already obsessed with this woman-- yes, that's what it is when you spend months trying to track someone down and are willing to spend hundreds of dollars just to see them when anything you wanted to say could be done by mailing a letter that took 10 minutes to write and costs 50 cents to send. What reason do we have to think that the obsession won't continue once he finds her?
Everyone assumes that when you look up an ex, you're going to find out you're glad you're not with them. Why? Not every person is a trainwreck, so it's doubtful that everybody's ex is. And what happens when someone finds out their ex looks like a model and made a fortune rescuing puppies and cute old ladies, for which they're expected to win a Nobel prize?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsLakota
First: Do no harm to your loved one.
Second: I am not sure where this need is to cut off contact, permanently, came from???
A man and a woman, who do the deed, are bonded for life. Or so you believe at the time. And your body was created to believe it.
That is what the deed does. Totally enmeshed in their body mind and spirit you become ONE for many months or years. Then you break up expecting to drop each other like hot potatoes?
At the break up, You literally tear your flesh, body, mind, spirit, apart. Trauma. Why do that to your soul?Why not maintain the natural connections your soul desires to be nourished? Not an ongoing relationship but not an estrangement either. Just connect every once in a while, chicken soup for the soul
Leave the romance out. All you had together and you cannot even check in with that person every so many years?? They just become a rag doll to toss out with the garbage?
Get togther. Talk about things you used to enjoy with each other. Catch up on upon the happenings of your new family. Encourage each other. New lives now mean do not continue the relationship but do check in w/ the ex for your own souls.
And first rule of marriage- Do No harm. Don't accuse your loved one of impropriety where none exists.
Not every breakup is a nice one. Plenty of people had their soul plenty destroyed by what the person did, without having to track back through that cesspool every so often because they feel that if something happened in their life once, they're forever tied to it. People move on. People have new lives. People cut off contact because they no longer need the past or because it's easier to get over the past or whatever. Let other people live the way they want, they'll let you live the way you want, and neither of you has to worry about what the other is doing.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsLakota
Then that trauma/damage left un-done years ago can be repaired. My husband would do much better in life, upon my death, if he re-married his ex. Great lady.
Typical-Many work more years to ensure their other half qualify for half of their pensions upon their departure. Same thing here. Except it isn't their financial well being but their emotional well being we are ensuring will be alright one we leave them alone.
Heaven forbid I am ever with someone who is so emotionally unstable that their wellbeing would be threatened by being single.
My husband and his ex from his late teens and early twenties are still in touch and it doesn't bother me a bit.
My husband is a good looking guy and women has always thrown themselves at him. I'm pretty desensitized. It doesn't bother me.
That's good, but there's a big difference between staying in touch over several years and doing research for weeks or months trying to find what you think was the love of your life and then planning to travel across country to see them.
That's good, but there's a big difference between staying in touch over several years and doing research for weeks or months trying to find what you think was the love of your life and then planning to travel across country to see them.
I also wonder if this woman needs to be forewarned if he does travel to see her. Imagine someone you haven't talked to in decades arriving at your door wanting to talk about your break-up. How safe would you feel? And what behaviors is he capable of if she doesn't follow the script he has in his mind?
Location: Small community in the California Sierra Mountains
119 posts, read 120,872 times
Reputation: 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow
Every single old boyfriend (3, so far) who ever sought me out years after the fact, wanted to get back together for sex, and only sex, and pretty much made that clear within a short time of "checking in". 2 were "happily" married. I am so glad that I am not "bonded for life" with every guy I ever had sex with!
None of us are bonded to life for everyone we had sex with, but it certainly is un-natural and tears the soul apart. Each time you use someone like a rag doll it hurts your own soul and theirs.
We are discussing, I thought, people who had serious relationships who were in love planning to be together for life. Not someone who demeans another by contacting them for a fast hookup.
Location: Small community in the California Sierra Mountains
119 posts, read 120,872 times
Reputation: 230
Quote:
Originally Posted by K12144
Have you honestly never heard all of the people who say "well we were just friends but then one thing led to another, and..." Sometimes it's wise not to tempt fate. I doubt there's anything missing in his life that this woman could bring into it, that he simply has to contact her. So, once again, what reason is there for him to look her up?
This has been answered already in my other posts.
Quote:
If I were his friend, I would tell him I do have his best interests at heart, and his best interest is to not break up a long (and presumably good) marriage or risk doing so just because he has some idea that the grass may be greener elsewhere.
As already posted, to accuse someone of impropriety is cruel and unnecessary. The grass may be greener on the other side but who gives a hoot? This situation we are discussing this person is married. It isn't about that. This is how sin develops, feeding this kind of ill thought. As we age, we learn to control our thoughts. We've raised children. We are old now. It's not the same as a young person. Riskier back then but still, it's good to keep in touch if possible with a loved one. Strong bonds being broken with loved ones only hurts
Quote:
And if he's not happy in his marriage, then he needs to either fix it, or end it, full stop, not hem and haw until he finds out whether he has something else lined up or not.
He's not happy? Does he have reason to be happy? From her posts full of accusations, she's maybe broken alot of trust, She better hope his intentions are as she assumes otherwise no normal guy would view his wife as trustworthy from then on out. This is no marriage. My guess is, it's best he just leave without her. Nothing to loose now.
She is not his Mother but his wife and he's a grown man. What I didn't realize is they may not have much of a marriage already. OR you could be right, he might be trying to connect for nefarious reasons. Then she is correct and she needs to let him go.
My quality of life would be very low if i didn't see my ex, check in every so often. In fact, it's been almost 8 years now and I am starting to miss him terribly. Not enough to call, due to the recent info, he sounds unstable, but still miss him. Yes I am obsessed with someone I loved, who wouldn't be? I find that word obsessed a bit odd, connected, yes.
Quote:
He's already obsessed with this woman-- yes, that's what it is when you spend months trying to track someone down and are willing to spend hundreds of dollars just to see them when anything you wanted to say could be done by mailing a letter that took 10 minutes to write and costs 50 cents to send. What reason do we have to think that the obsession won't continue once he finds her?
mailing a letter? are you serious? Words on a paper vs in person? NO NO NO. Go visit. They likely have enough $ at this stage.
If not, then there is a HUGE problem with him going. HUGE. He is sacrificing her financial security and she comes before his need to see an ex. She should try to fulfil that for him but finances need to be designated for your better half. Bills must be paid first.
Quote:
Everyone assumes that when you look up an ex, you're going to find out you're glad you're not with them. Why?
That is usually the case, yes. But honestly, that question is flawed if you are married anyhow. Whether or not my ex could've offered me more love, passion, a better life is irrelevant. I am married.
Quote:
Not every person is a trainwreck, so it's doubtful that everybody's ex is. And what happens when someone finds out their ex looks like a model and made a fortune rescuing puppies and cute old ladies, for which they're expected to win a Nobel prize?
I don't understand the question. What happens? You are proud of them eh? That's how I saw my ex for decades and decades until just recently. It warms the heart.They are exactly how you hoped them to be. My ex is really hot. If I thought about it could see that, but choose not to go there. It doesn't matter if he's ugly or pretty, I want to see him every so often
Quote:
Not every breakup is a nice one. Plenty of people had their soul plenty destroyed by what the person did, without having to track back through that cesspool every so often because they feel that if something happened in their life once, they're forever tied to it. People move on. People have new lives. People cut off contact because they no longer need the past or because it's easier to get over the past or whatever. Let other people live the way they want, they'll let you live the way you want, and neither of you has to worry about what the other is doing.
Ours was a horrible break up, if I could've stayed together, I would have. Yet my soul longed to see him after so long. It is for my healing, not his. He became violent and I was afraid so broke up He had to get off drugs. I warned him and cut ties for a month, then he still went back. It broke my heart, and it will never be fully mended. Neither will his. BUT that doesn't matter now, every so often, I still have him as my friend. And whether my husband lives or died, no way would I ever get with him romantically again.
Quote:
Heaven forbid I am ever with someone who is so emotionally unstable that their wellbeing would be threatened by being single.
All people's well being is threatened by being single. No one should have to live this life alone. What I suspect many here cannot comprehend, is when you are married, you have a bond with that person enough so you want the very best for them. My heart would break if my husband remained single after my death. That brings tears to my eyes. He's a great guy. Who in their right mind would want such for their loved ones? Life isn't about me me me. If it was, I'd have a ton of ex's with broken hookups/ relationships in my past piled up.
We need to care about the others needs as much as we care for our own. That is what marriage is about.
Does that mean doing anything beyond dropping them off for a visit with an ex? Of course not. A visit is fine. More? NO NO NO. But sure, they want to catch up. And sure, if you are doing fine financially, make a vacation of it.
There are many screwed up individuals in the world who run off with their ex's. And once that happens, they'll go out on those ex's again. These people are not stable. These are the same ones who imagine impropriety where it doesn't exist, because it comes out of their own heart. What they would do.
If I had a husband who had the ability to dump me, though I fear being alone, it's worse being with a rat.
Let the rat get it done with so you have reason to cut ties and get on with life. Rats never tell you their motives, this guy did. Sounds like the wife is trying to cause division in the relationship to maybe give him good reason to miss his ex. Maybe she doesn't care for him that much, we have no clue. It's a message board. Maybe he is trying to hook up, we don't know. But we cannot assume nefarious motives where none exist. This is generally not the behavior of a husband seeking a hook up, it just isn't. Telling your spouse you desire to spend time with an ex is something you say to a spouse you have alot of trust with
Last edited by MrsLakota; 04-21-2019 at 06:43 AM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
