U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 05-27-2019, 08:53 AM
 
394 posts, read 156,504 times
Reputation: 1098

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by reneeh63 View Post
Sorry - she's "so nice in every way" that she keeps asking for money (IVF isn't cheap!) even though she makes more than the both of you combined? Yes, you need to super nicely say - "I'd really love a new Lexus for my birthday!". And keep repeating some big gift ideas for yourself, especially after she asks you for something.

You're also risking a rift with your son if he learns of such a wide disparity - how much does he make?
Our son makes more than she does...about $175K. We gave him the same opportunities during and after his college. The last thing we helped him with was a car in 2008 for graduation. Christmas gifts and birthdays don't count.

He is engaged, so we offered to assist with his wedding in 2020, just like we did with our daughter's wedding in 2015. He declined. He said that he wasn't asking for any money because he and his fiance were paying for their small wedding on their own. He said that he lived with us for 6 months in 2019 (moving from NYC to California) so he saved over $30K on rent and living expenses.

He is so different than she is, and I love them both. The problem lies with me. I need to start hinting that it would be nice if they sent us on a retirement cruise. LOL. They are good kids, but I haven't done as good of a job with our daughter in the money department. I need to close the checking account gifts. I will say that they threw a wonderful 35th anniversary party for us, and sent us to Europe (paid for the flights only, but I am grateful) for our 25th anniversary.

The big test will be our first grandson's first birthday this December. I know she will ask me to pay for the food. I am planning on letting her know that I cannot do this, as it is their son. We will be depositing money to his 529 college fund account instead. For most people, a contribution towards the food would be $200.00. For my daughter, it would mean between $800-$1000.00.

I hope she will get used to this.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 05-27-2019, 09:46 AM
 
1,128 posts, read 788,823 times
Reputation: 2125
This has been an interesting thread. My husband and I, graduated in the early 80’s (youngest BBs) with nothing more than a hug and a wave.
We have made a very good life on our own, put kids through college, bought cars, help with grandkids’ expenses. We do this willingly and lovingly. However, unlike most of you on here, we won’t get a penny of inheritance from anyone, so everything we have or will have is ours.
In hindsight, we probably “over-helped” our kids, possibly trying to make up for what we didn’t get from our parents.
But now...it’s time to focus on our retirement years, which are quickly approaching. There’s no way we would help with home purchases. I’ve known and lived around too many young couples who got help with mortgages they could not afford or sustain down the road.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-27-2019, 12:11 PM
 
Location: Venus
4,760 posts, read 3,188,746 times
Reputation: 7937
Several years ago, Hubby's daughter graduated from college with a nursing degree. She worked really hard and we thought that we would give her a nice graduation gift-a trip to Puerto Rico for her and her daughter who was about 5 at the time. (Hubby's sister lives down there so it was basically the price of airfare that we spent). Hubby's son asked us, "If you are sending her to P.R. can you help send me there, too?" So, we paid for part of his airfare. Well, the youngest daughter didn't want to be left out and said, "Well, if you are sending Sis & Bro to P.R...." So, yeah, we also helped to pay for her airfare also. (Only the oldest daughter didn't ask so we didn't send her down there.) We joked about sending the kids to Puerto Rico and we stayed home.


Cat
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-29-2019, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Ypsilanti, MI
2,435 posts, read 3,659,178 times
Reputation: 4785
Quote:
Originally Posted by suziq38 View Post
.......... I will say that they threw a wonderful 35th anniversary party for us, and sent us to Europe (paid for the flights only, but I am grateful) for our 25th anniversary..........

For our 25th anniversary we got cards from our kids but no party or even a meal. For our 35th Anniversary we received the same. For our upcoming 40th anniversary we are expecting no different. Actually, neither of us wants a party or trip. We would accept a nice dinner if it was offered though.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-29-2019, 09:44 AM
 
Location: SoCal
13,202 posts, read 6,308,074 times
Reputation: 9815
We didn’t get anything for our anniversary. It’s our day, not their day, I don’t think they remember what day it is exactly. But we get good Mother’s day cards and good Father’s Day cards as always. Best yet, the out of town kid flew back to spend 3 days with us, and she paid for it. Unexpected. Both of them were here for a Mother’s day. Lately, when they were here and when I only had food for my husband and I, I offered to pay for them to pickup a pizza somewhere, they refused. They used their own money now.

Kids are growing up. They never ask for money directly, we give them money as gifts only. No expectations about gifts ever.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-29-2019, 10:22 AM
 
2,076 posts, read 703,003 times
Reputation: 5316
One topic I forgot to mention and others may have paid for this: health insurance. DS' first job out of college was PT. His GPA was dicey and that was their way of giving him a chance, I guess. Thank heaven, that lasted only about 6 months; he was smart and had a good work ethic and they recognized that and brought him on FT with benefits. In the meantime I kept him on my employer's COBRA. I could not have slept at night if he'd been uninsured.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-29-2019, 02:07 PM
 
3,247 posts, read 844,077 times
Reputation: 3763
---------------------
My suspicion
---------------------

I do have a suspicion that all this generosity may come back to bite both the parents and the children. No, it has nothing to do with work ethic or spoiling them.

It has everything to do with the combination of loans and / or gifts artificially inflating the amount of available money that a young generation has on hand early in one's adult life. If you look at the prices of schools over the past year, and the price of student housing, you'll find that they began to take off right as the children of the "I want my children to have what I never got to enjoy" generation reached college age.

It is well known that this generation is heavily funded, and schools want a piece. Apartments want a piece. Car dealers want a piece. The prices don't fluctuate based on your personal intent for the property: i.e. you don't get a discount because you're a non-student living alone in a unit, in an apartment complex where it just so happens that most of the tenants split the rent 2 or 4 ways.

This "highest bidder / biggest fool" model devalues the money sitting there in your bank or pocket. "The Joneses" game can apply not just to what you choose to buy for yourself, but what you provide for your children. If they want to go to a school because it's popular among their peers, or is "the" school for a particular major, parents believe they're giving their children a leg up by making that happen. If all the other families do the same, you're no longer at any advantage, you've just raised the demand, raising the price for everyone, with no added value for yourselves or children.

-------------------
What to do about this?
-------------------

Try to see ahead of the curve, scouting out universities in cities that have both reasonable tuition prices and low cost-of-living. I'm sure there are ways to make your dollars go further, without impairing the career prospects for your future graduates. Some "hot" areas now are Seattle, Denver, Austin, Dallas... I see these as already being priced above what would allow new entrants into job markets to live comfortably.

When I say ahead of the curve, I mean the Greenville, SC / Huntsville, AL / Richmond, VA / Oklahoma City, OK / Atlanta, GA (no idea how but there's still cheap real estate) type places.

Thoughts?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-29-2019, 03:26 PM
 
Location: Ypsilanti, MI
2,435 posts, read 3,659,178 times
Reputation: 4785
Parents need to stay actively involved in the college decision and drive the cost-benefit analysis, as well as prodding their children to consider what-if's.

What if you don't like the program. What can you transfer into without losing a semester?

What if you don't like being that far from home? Is there another choice that is closer, but not too close?

As a parent, use your life experiences (and budget!) to guide your child to the path of affordable choices.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-29-2019, 04:35 PM
 
3,247 posts, read 844,077 times
Reputation: 3763
All very good comments and suggestions. Cheers!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 05-30-2019, 07:35 AM
 
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
22,541 posts, read 39,914,033 times
Reputation: 23653
Quote:
Originally Posted by MI-Roger View Post
Parents need to stay actively involved in ... being 'accessible' to kid's choices and needs (Financial, educational, relationships...)
As a parent, use your life experiences (and budget!) to guide your child to the path of affordable choices.
Yes, agree... Since we homeschooled, since age 8.. we purposed to include our kids in all budget / bill paying / mortgages / house purchases / travel planning / currency exchange.. And it has paid off for them. They certainly are acutely aware of our failures! (Financial included). They even learned our 'food budget' plan ($100 / month into an envelope, when empty... get creative.) And always share with others (Food, time, money)

While living international our kids did the daily shopping at the fresh markets, as vendors really liked the interactions and helping to 'educate' our kids. (They taught them local language phrases, and bartering)

4H trained me in ~age 10 in budgeting / business planning and accounting. Parents made sure we had to eat all our losses.

Significant lesson learned... explore ALL college options (including international FT, not a 'semester abroad'). I encouraged ours to use state schools for undergrad and private / premier for grad programs. Bad advice on my part. Many excellent privates / endowed programs that would have been a much better use of their time and money than the state schools. (tho good... they were not excellent... ONE time around on EDU ($ and time) deserves EXCELLENCE.

Really sorry I muffed than, but I am not from 'college-stock' (no clue). I was a parental caregiver @ age 18, instead of hanging out at college.

When in doubt.. see some advice from really wise friends who BTDT.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Retirement
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc. · Please obey Forum Rules · Terms of Use and Privacy Policy · Bug Bounty

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top