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Old 06-25-2019, 12:21 AM
 
8,131 posts, read 8,628,859 times
Reputation: 9114

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I am not sure whether Mom has a desk job or a job that requires a lot of standing. Either way, I can understand when a person works full-time and just wants to come home and zonk out in front of the tv. She sounds like she is wiped at the end of the day, whether it is mentally or physically or both. As you get older, it's hard to have your former energy level.

The autoimmune disease was not specified. If she's taking steroids, that affects moods and makes it very, very difficult to lose weight. People on steroids like predinsone tend to gain weight. You get bloated. In any event, the side effects from whatever medication she is on and their dosage can be affecting her weight, energy level, ability to sleep. Maybe, she is also on anti-depressants and some of them also make you gain weight.

The southern diet is not usually healthy. Fried apples at Cracker Barrel are delicious but extremely high in calories.

Most people assume that teenagers suffer the most from depression and have the highest suicide rates. It's the senior population that suffers from depression the most and has the highest rate of suicide.

Your mom is not a child, nor is she an idiot. I'm sure she is well-aware of her unhealthy habits that will shorten her life. Most older women look at themselves in the mirror and don't recognize their own faces. Where did the time go? What happened to my youth? Youth is wasted on the young. You think you have forever. Some women, in particular, more than men, have difficulty accepting the changes in their looks.

She might be lonely which is why she expects you to come around a lot. As an only child, you have a huge burden.
Your parents live in a small city/town, which probably has a limited number of events for recreation. She may need more stimulation, even if she says that she doesn't want to try anything new. Does she have friends? Does she have companions besides your father and yourself to do things with when she is off from work?

Sounds like she feels as if she is stuck in a rut and presumes that a big change like retirement will get her out of her funk. It doesn't sound like she has the most stimulating job and boring jobs make you feel very tired at the end of the day.

She needs a motivation to make positive changes in her lifestyle habits. My own mother lost 30 pounds when her niece got married. It was a big out of state affair and my mom wanted to look good for those family photos. After a while, with no permanent motivations, she put the weight back on.

Can she and your dad take some small trips? Tickets to the Ryman or something else that they like in Nashville? Stay one night so that they don't have to drive 2 hours each way? Something different every few months may give her something to look forward to and then maybe, your parents might not feel like they have to rely on you so much.

While collecting social security, your mom is eligible to work part-time to supplement her income.
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Old 06-25-2019, 08:38 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,587 posts, read 17,574,904 times
Reputation: 27677
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nefret View Post
SC, I've not read through the entire thread, but you have been given suggestions as to setting boundaries and claiming more time for yourself.

Since you began this thread, what steps have you taken to implement change?

The situation didn't get this way overnight and won't be corrected overnight but you need to begin taking small steps to reclaim your space and build on that until you reach a place where you can live in harmony with your parents without your being taken advantage of.

Again, what steps have you taken to set some boundaries?
I've had a lot happen over the past several days. It hasn't been a good week.

The bottom line is that between mom, grandma, and the girlfriends I've had, I haven't been taking care of myself the last few years. Someone always needs something - not necessarily in a financial sense, but needs help with this or that. Grandma and mom need their trash rolled down. Someone needs something done at the house. Someone needs groceries. The girlfriend needs help. It's just one thing after another.

Grandmother is doing worse. She's come down with shingles, mobility has gotten worse in the last few months, but still insists on living at home by herself in that tri-level house that's not built for someone with mobility issues.

When I moved back here in 2016, I weighed about 230. I weighed in at 255 yesterday morning. When I graduated college, I weighed 180-190, but was lifting several days a week in addition to all the walking I got around campus.

These days, it's rare that I'm home before 8-9 on work nights with all the errands I'm running, the girlfriend wanting to run around, and crap that has to get done. I took her out to Bonefish Grill Thursday. $75 for dinner. Her car was still in the shop, so getting her, taking her to eat, taking her back, then driving myself home was at least an hour and a half.

I left for vacation on the 7th. Other than warming up something in the microwave and breakfast, I haven't actually made a meal at my apartment since before then. I normally keep a gym bag in the car with gym clothes. My water shoes were still in my gym bag. They were in there before I left for vacation. I went to the gym Memorial Day, but I don't know if I've been back since then.

With all this extra stress, I'm drinking more heavily in what bit of free time I have that isn't already penciled in between family, work, girlfriend, etc. That leads to more calories, worse food choices, more weight gain, etc. It's a vicious cycle.

I shared something on Facebook about an area pride celebration Sunday. One of my dad's sisters messaged me saying I'm part of "Sodom and Gomorrah" and that "something horrible is going to befall me." I was actually working on a little video game project I'd been piddling with, had been drinking, and this just set me off, and I was drunkenly arguing on Facebook. I know I made an ass of myself, but I honestly don't really care. I don't even see these family members much. I deactivated my Facebook account and I don't know when/if I'll come back to it. I have another account from years ago that I just added the news sites to and such so I can keep up with the news, but other than that, I'm probably done with it for awhile.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I feel very taken advantage of. I helped dad a few weeks ago clean out some stuff in the garage. Mom stayed upstairs the entire time. You'll go over there, she'll want help with laundry or whatever, then she remains in that rocking chair and won't pitch in. She'll want me to go to Walmart for her while she sits in the rocking chair watching home improvement shows. She was going on the other day about how she tries to keep the house up with the money she has, but they bought brand new flooring for the laundry last year and never put it down. She won't clean up the hoarded bedroom to the point you can access the window. Cleaning up the hoarded room won't cost any money, but she won't expend the effort to do that.

I need a big change. I feel extremely weighed down with everyone else's burdens to the point I can't take care of myself. This has to change.
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Old 06-25-2019, 08:46 AM
 
529 posts, read 122,161 times
Reputation: 1118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
The more I think about it, the more I realize that I feel very taken advantage of. I helped dad a few weeks ago clean out some stuff in the garage. Mom stayed upstairs the entire time. You'll go over there, she'll want help with laundry or whatever, then she remains in that rocking chair and won't pitch in. She'll want me to go to Walmart for her while she sits in the rocking chair watching home improvement shows. She was going on the other day about how she tries to keep the house up with the money she has, but they bought brand new flooring for the laundry last year and never put it down. She won't clean up the hoarded bedroom to the point you can access the window. Cleaning up the hoarded room won't cost any money, but she won't expend the effort to do that.

I need a big change. I feel extremely weighed down with everyone else's burdens to the point I can't take care of myself. This has to change.
You have to start saying "NO". That's your change.
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Old 06-25-2019, 08:54 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,587 posts, read 17,574,904 times
Reputation: 27677
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coney View Post
I am not sure whether Mom has a desk job or a job that requires a lot of standing. Either way, I can understand when a person works full-time and just wants to come home and zonk out in front of the tv. She sounds like she is wiped at the end of the day, whether it is mentally or physically or both. As you get older, it's hard to have your former energy level.

The autoimmune disease was not specified. If she's taking steroids, that affects moods and makes it very, very difficult to lose weight. People on steroids like predinsone tend to gain weight. You get bloated. In any event, the side effects from whatever medication she is on and their dosage can be affecting her weight, energy level, ability to sleep. Maybe, she is also on anti-depressants and some of them also make you gain weight.

The southern diet is not usually healthy. Fried apples at Cracker Barrel are delicious but extremely high in calories.

Most people assume that teenagers suffer the most from depression and have the highest suicide rates. It's the senior population that suffers from depression the most and has the highest rate of suicide.

Your mom is not a child, nor is she an idiot. I'm sure she is well-aware of her unhealthy habits that will shorten her life. Most older women look at themselves in the mirror and don't recognize their own faces. Where did the time go? What happened to my youth? Youth is wasted on the young. You think you have forever. Some women, in particular, more than men, have difficulty accepting the changes in their looks.

She might be lonely which is why she expects you to come around a lot. As an only child, you have a huge burden.
Your parents live in a small city/town, which probably has a limited number of events for recreation. She may need more stimulation, even if she says that she doesn't want to try anything new. Does she have friends? Does she have companions besides your father and yourself to do things with when she is off from work?

Sounds like she feels as if she is stuck in a rut and presumes that a big change like retirement will get her out of her funk. It doesn't sound like she has the most stimulating job and boring jobs make you feel very tired at the end of the day.

She needs a motivation to make positive changes in her lifestyle habits. My own mother lost 30 pounds when her niece got married. It was a big out of state affair and my mom wanted to look good for those family photos. After a while, with no permanent motivations, she put the weight back on.

Can she and your dad take some small trips? Tickets to the Ryman or something else that they like in Nashville? Stay one night so that they don't have to drive 2 hours each way? Something different every few months may give her something to look forward to and then maybe, your parents might not feel like they have to rely on you so much.

While collecting social security, your mom is eligible to work part-time to supplement her income.
She works at a bank as a document review specialist.

The autoimmune disorder is called bullous pemphigoid - this causes blisters on the skin. This is somewhat controlled now, but she also has myelodysplastic syndrome and a lot of the standard blood pressure, diabetes, and other chronic conditions. She's not satisfied with her local care, but when I talk to her about trying to find better specialists in Knoxville/Charlotte, she doesn't seem to want to do that either.

They've never had a very active social life. He has some friends he sees a couple times a month, but she really doesn't anymore. He used to go fishing, play in chess tournaments, and have some other hobbies, but again, they basically just sit in front of the TV these days and watch Netflix. He does the lawn work and house stuff, but they're really only doing the basics. Their world is getting smaller and smaller, and at 60-ish, it shouldn't be that way.

Keep in mind they have never really lived outside the local area. I doubt they've been to Nashville in a decade. I've tried to get them to go on weekend trips with me, but they might make it Pigeon Forge or Asheville once a quarter, almost always coming back.

They're going to Myrtle for four days next week, which kind of surprised me. He wants to go, but she has zero enthusiasm aside from being off work a few days.
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Old 06-25-2019, 09:15 AM
 
25,993 posts, read 33,003,034 times
Reputation: 32215
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post

I need a big change. I feel extremely weighed down with everyone else's burdens to the point I can't take care of myself. This has to change.
It does. And YOU have to change it. Damn man - the weight gain too - you have got to get that under control. You are young, and I mean no offense, but you might consider ending the relationship (it doesn't sound like you are really into it anyway) until you get yourself back into a healthy and happy groove. Draw some boundaries with the parents - AND the grandmother. Your parents should be dealing with her - NOT YOU. You are absolutely being taken advantage of, but you are the one that is letting that happen.
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Old 06-25-2019, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Orlando
1,992 posts, read 2,637,223 times
Reputation: 7588
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
I need a big change. I feel extremely weighed down with everyone else's burdens to the point I can't take care of myself. This has to change.
SC, a psychologist friend of mine once told me that people don't make changes in their lives until what they're doing becomes so painful they have no choice BUT to change.

It appears that you are approaching that point, or maybe you've already reached it. No one on this forum can tell you what you should do -- you'll have to work that out for yourself. I wish you very good luck in making the changes to your life that you know are necessary.
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Old 06-25-2019, 09:20 AM
 
12,001 posts, read 5,126,293 times
Reputation: 18764
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
She works at a bank as a document review specialist.

The autoimmune disorder is called bullous pemphigoid - this causes blisters on the skin. This is somewhat controlled now, but she also has myelodysplastic syndrome and a lot of the standard blood pressure, diabetes, and other chronic conditions. She's not satisfied with her local care, but when I talk to her about trying to find better specialists in Knoxville/Charlotte, she doesn't seem to want to do that either.

They've never had a very active social life. He has some friends he sees a couple times a month, but she really doesn't anymore. He used to go fishing, play in chess tournaments, and have some other hobbies, but again, they basically just sit in front of the TV these days and watch Netflix. He does the lawn work and house stuff, but they're really only doing the basics. Their world is getting smaller and smaller, and at 60-ish, it shouldn't be that way.

Keep in mind they have never really lived outside the local area. I doubt they've been to Nashville in a decade. I've tried to get them to go on weekend trips with me, but they might make it Pigeon Forge or Asheville once a quarter, almost always coming back.

They're going to Myrtle for four days next week, which kind of surprised me. He wants to go, but she has zero enthusiasm aside from being off work a few days.
Your mom's issues with being sedentary and obese aside, do you ever stop and think they might be content and maybe even be happy being who they are?
Not everyone likes to travel and some people prefer to live a simple life at home, doing the yard work and having just a handful of friends they see once in a while.
They are not wealthy but don't need to be. They will have more than enough money just in the pension alone to pay the mortgage. Other expenses can easily be paid with SS. They have some savings for emergencies. It sounds to me like they don't want nor require much.
At some point when do you stop being a concerned son and turn into a meddling offspring telling them what's expected and what you want them to do and how to live?
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Old 06-25-2019, 09:25 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,587 posts, read 17,574,904 times
Reputation: 27677
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
It does. And YOU have to change it. Damn man - the weight gain too - you have got to get that under control. You are young, and I mean no offense, but you might consider ending the relationship (it doesn't sound like you are really into it anyway) until you get yourself back into a healthy and happy groove. Draw some boundaries with the parents - AND the grandmother. Your parents should be dealing with her - NOT YOU. You are absolutely being taken advantage of, but you are the one that is letting that happen.
What gets me is that my MOM should be helping my aunt out with my grandmother.

All the "grandma burden" falls to my aunt and me. My aunt is a few years younger than mom, but has Crohn's disease, is widowed, and has other health issues herself. Mom never pitches in, and only lives about a mile away from grandma. My grandmother will call me if she needs something quickly done. She doesn't ask mom for anything.

I went out to the marina with my dad, uncle, and a couple of friends for an hour and a half Friday night. Girlfriend went to FL with her mom, but blew up on me because I went out. She has no income, car isn't reliable, etc. It's a major and unnecessary burden on me, especially when she's demanding and not supportive. Our relationship has been strained for the last few months. If she wants to come back around and can behave, I'll spend time with her, but I need some downtime until all this gets sorted out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WellShoneMoon View Post
SC, a psychologist friend of mine once told me that people don't make changes in their lives until what they're doing becomes so painful they have no choice BUT to change.

It appears that you are approaching that point, or maybe you've already reached it. No one on this forum can tell you what you should do -- you'll have to work that out for yourself. I wish you very good luck in making the changes to your life that you know are necessary.
I used to take walks on my lunch hour. I might have gotten one in all month. Tuesday is "roll the trash down" day for the parents, but dad can do it. I'm not going back home and foregoing the walk to roll down the trash.

All the family/girlfriend obligations have become like mosquitoes flying around me. Mom did get me from the airport last Saturday (it's just ten minutes from their house...), but I have a hard time remembering when someone actually did something to lighten my load.
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Old 06-25-2019, 09:28 AM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,316 posts, read 4,162,308 times
Reputation: 18323
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
When I moved back here in 2016, I weighed about 230. I weighed in at 255 yesterday morning. When I graduated college, I weighed 180-190...

(snip)

These days, it's rare that I'm home before 8-9 on work nights with all the errands I'm running, the girlfriend wanting to run around, and crap that has to get done.

(snip)

With all this extra stress, I'm drinking more heavily in what bit of free time I have that isn't already penciled in between family, work, girlfriend, etc. That leads to more calories, worse food choices, more weight gain, etc. It's a vicious cycle.

(snip)

This has to change.
Yes, it does. You are literally killing yourself. If you don't make some changes now, by the time your parents truly ARE elderly and in need of real assistance, you'll be too out of shape yourself to provide it (if you're even still alive).

You have to look out for your own health and well-being first, before you can even think about helping others. You said it: it's time for some changes. Maybe it's time to start a job search and see what you can find in Charlotte, Atlanta, or another not-too-close-by-the-parents Southern city?
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Old 06-25-2019, 09:31 AM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,316 posts, read 4,162,308 times
Reputation: 18323
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
Girlfriend went to FL with her mom, but blew up on me because I went out.
If you're smart, you'll end this relationship NOW. Forget the health issues and the disparity in income - that type of controlling behavior is a very bad sign! You don't want to be partnered with someone who thinks it's his/her right to control your every movement.

Last edited by Aredhel; 06-25-2019 at 09:40 AM..
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