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Old 06-25-2019, 09:31 AM
 
6,303 posts, read 5,042,575 times
Reputation: 12800

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Quote:
Originally Posted by marino760 View Post
Your mom's issues with being sedentary and obese aside, do you ever stop and think they might be content and maybe even be happy being who they are?
Not everyone likes to travel and some people prefer to live a simple life at home, doing the yard work and having just a handful of friends they see once in a while.
They are not wealthy but don't need to be. They will have more than enough money just in the pension alone to pay the mortgage. Other expenses can easily be paid with SS. They have some savings for emergencies. It sounds to me like they don't want nor require much.
At some point when do you stop being a concerned son and turn into a meddling offspring telling them what's expected and what you want them to do and how to live?
yes - some people enjoy the simple life

I have a sibling that always makes comments about people doing "simple things" daily

She says they have nothing else to do. Like going visit your deceased spouse at the cemetery is a bad thing?

Just let them do what they want.

They think i am nuts for not wanting to be out there cutting my grass every single day. Leave me alone - i say!
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Old 06-25-2019, 09:48 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,541 posts, read 17,525,434 times
Reputation: 27573
Quote:
Originally Posted by marino760 View Post
Your mom's issues with being sedentary and obese aside, do you ever stop and think they might be content and maybe even be happy being who they are?
Not everyone likes to travel and some people prefer to live a simple life at home, doing the yard work and having just a handful of friends they see once in a while.
They are not wealthy but don't need to be. They will have more than enough money just in the pension alone to pay the mortgage. Other expenses can easily be paid with SS. They have some savings for emergencies. It sounds to me like they don't want nor require much.
At some point when do you stop being a concerned son and turn into a meddling offspring telling them what's expected and what you want them to do and how to live?
I don't know if they're content as much as they don't know anything else.

Yes, I agree they're simple, but with a new car payment, medical expenses, a mortgage, etc., it's going to be tight. It's too late now to turn all that around, but he's looking at cutting cable, etc.

She's going to have to stop all this shopping from the malls and online stores. The majority of that hoarded bedroom is actually unopened merchandise.

It's not that they're really doing anything new or different, but their behaviors haven't changed in two decades.
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Old 06-25-2019, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,541 posts, read 17,525,434 times
Reputation: 27573
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
Yes, it does. You are literally killing yourself. If you don't make some changes now, by the time your parents truly ARE elderly and in need of real assistance, you'll be too out of shape yourself to provide it (if you're even still alive).

You have to look out for your own health and well-being first, before you can even think about helping others. You said it: it's time for some changes. Maybe it's time to start a job search and see what you can find in Charlotte, Atlanta, or another not-too-close-by-the-parents Southern city?
My natural instinct when people irritate to me is to let it slide to a degree, but once I've had enough, I tend to blow up. If I'm drinking, my fuse gets down to 10% of what it was. If I was sober, I would have just let the aunt's comment from the other night go.

My fuse is definitely shorter now than it was a year or two ago. There's just so much more on me.

I started the year off with all the weight loss goals, etc., but with all the personal stress, I'm drinking more and gained. I had actually lost a bit in the winter, but put it all back on plus more.

I felt a lot better even at 230 than at 250+. I'd like to get down to 230 by the fall, then work on getting back down to a more natural weight of 190-200.

Mom and her sister have been pushing me to buy around here again. I don't like this renting situation I'm in, but I also don't want to be yoked here.

I've started the job search back up over the past couple of weeks. Charlotte is just a little over three hours away. Nashville and Raleigh are a bit over four. Atlanta and Cincinnati are five.

At worst, that's a "leave work at 5 on Friday and be back by bedtime drive."
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Old 06-25-2019, 10:22 AM
 
3,992 posts, read 2,601,043 times
Reputation: 8641
They're not going to change and there is nothing you can do to make them change. I would absolutely not buy a house there. Of course they're pushing for you to buy a house, they want you to continue to enable them and their unhealthy life style. Don't do it.

You need to move, work on setting boundaries and put yourself first. Once you move, don't move back.
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Old 06-25-2019, 10:27 AM
 
Location: VT; previously MD & NJ
2,183 posts, read 1,338,732 times
Reputation: 6286
You have gotten a lot of good advice here - from us elders who have been through and experienced much throughout our lives. Now take the advice and do something about your life. Disengage from your family. Stop enabling. You are not responsible for them.

Even in your planning to find a job in another city 3 or 4 hours away, you still seem concerned about driving back to do chores for them. That is wrong thinking. You should go back for visits (that's visit, not doing chores or laundry) no more than 4 or 5 times a year. If they want to see you more often, they can make the effort to come see you... or not.

You need to stop thinking of the place you grew up as home. You are an adult. You need to make your own home. If you can't do that, then nobody here can help you.
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Old 06-25-2019, 10:30 AM
 
2,134 posts, read 524,377 times
Reputation: 3724
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
Dad thinks once she retires she'll get to feeling better and won't be so sedentary once she gets rested. My guess is she'll become even more sedentary with nothing to keep her going, and that it won't be long until I find her dead in that chair.

Thoughts?
I suspect you are correct and your father is incorrect.
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Old 06-25-2019, 10:35 AM
 
394 posts, read 156,333 times
Reputation: 1097
Serious Conversation:

You sound like a nice person and a very good daughter. Your mother will not listen. Your father will just go along with your mother because that is the way they work together.

You are the problem because you do too much. Try to be too busy to assist sometimes. Tell your mom that she has ALL DAY to figure out how to get the laundry done. You love her enough to let her do it. You have faith in her to assist. You are coming over with a salad to share. Encourage her to go to the gym or local senior center and participate in doing something active.

I am 63 and overweight, so I try to stay active. I babysit my 6 month old grandson 8 hours a day, three days a week. He gets fussy, to we like to get outside and walk the neighborhood. I also like to meet my friends at the gym. I exercise 20 minutes on the elliptical, 20 minutes on the treadmill, and 20 minutes on the bicycle, twice a week. It is also great social time. Problem is that it hurts if I am too active, as i have arthritis.

I recently retired and love it. My blood pressure has never been so low. I think your mother is jealous of your grandmother because she gets your attention. Try to give her attention without doing things for her that she could do for herself.
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Old 06-25-2019, 10:37 AM
 
5,422 posts, read 3,440,673 times
Reputation: 13657
weird - I thought I remembered reading your post which said you had purchased a very inexpensive modest condo, not too long ago. But now you say you're renting and your mother and aunt are suggesting or pressuring you to buy a dwelling instead.

And also that you had broken up with your handicapped girlfriend. Maybe you broke up, but got back together.

Maybe you blew up at your aunt's comment about LBGT and Gay Pride parade or Gay Pride Day because you're conflicted about your bisexuality? Or maybe you're okay with your bisexuality - you haven't exactly said. It could be making you a little uncomfortable in your own skin - or you might be at peace with it - sensing a little conflict though. Maybe you were defending LBGT and Gay Pride events with your aunt whose comment made you blow up - and a defense rightfully so by you.

Last edited by matisse12; 06-25-2019 at 10:53 AM..
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Old 06-25-2019, 10:50 AM
 
2,134 posts, read 524,377 times
Reputation: 3724
There is a fine line between helping family members and harming yourself.

Back when I was a teenager, I used to be a lifeguard. One of the things you learn regarding helping a swimmer in distress is you cannot let them gain control of you - they will try to climb on top of you etc and you risk both of you drowning. Water Safety Instructors give you strategies - don't come close enough for them to grab you but shove a torpedo float to them to hang on to while you tow the person to shore, for example. If need be, even "drag" a person in the water by their long hair (an extreme circumstance, of course).

The lesson, of course, is you can only be a lifeguard if you are alive and in control so they don't pull you under.

The analogy isn't perfect, you're currently a lifeguard helping distressed swimmers to safety. You must get control of your situation. And yes, it is easier said than done. You need to decide, dispassionately, when you are alone and have time to think, precisely what you will continue to do and what you will no longer do. You need to tell them & stick to it. For example:

"I will no longer roll your trash cans for you. I will no longer do your laundry for you."
"But who will help me?" they will reply, or seek objections they can overcome. Do not answer.


Some people on this thread suggest you just say "no" to all requests; while a cold-turkey cut-off can be effective for you to gain control, I don't think it needs to go that far. You can still be a loving son and grandson and boyfriend - but you've lost control and others are dragging you down below the surface.

And you know that already. So... what are you prepared to do?
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Old 06-25-2019, 11:02 AM
 
Location: Williamsburg, VA
3,551 posts, read 1,647,282 times
Reputation: 10162
Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
weird - I thought I remembered reading your post which said you had purchased a very inexpensive modest condo, not too long ago. But now you say you're renting and your mother and aunt are suggesting or pressuring you to buy a dwelling instead.

And also that you had broken up with your handicapped girlfriend. Maybe you broke up, but got back together.

I was thinking the same thing. You keep dumping these never-ending, hard to believe dramas on the retirement forum. I have no idea why, since posting them doesn't seem to ever help you resolve any problems. I've seen people give you solutions dozens and dozens of times, but there's always a million excuses why you can't do any of them. Not even the most simple ones. Meanwhile, the sagas get increasingly hard to believe. Maybe it's the sheer number of them. Plus the condo story, the never ending girlfriend story, the bisexual saga, and the work dramas seem to have inconsistencies. Of course, maybe I'm just a jaded person; I'm sure there are possible explanations. But dude, most of those explanations end up pointing to you creating your own problems for yourself. If anyone is taking advantage of you, it's you.

And I see we have a new drama about people seeing you're at Wal-Mart because of the way you post on Facebook. Another situation where people give you extremely simple solutions, but will you follow them? Of course not, why make a simple change to how you post on FB when you can make excuses that will allow you to keep creating dramas for yourself?


Meanwhile, none of this has anything to do with retirement. At first I thought it was sort of a retirement topic, since it was about your mom. But now it seems like the saga about mom is nothing more than an excuse to bring up all the old familiar dramas. And mom isn't even a retiree, I see, just someone talking about retiring. This belongs on the Relationship Forum.

Last edited by Piney Creek; 06-25-2019 at 11:42 AM..
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