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Old 06-26-2019, 02:14 PM
 
4,719 posts, read 4,013,639 times
Reputation: 9859

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For goodness sakes, they are not in their 80s. Go live your life. It is possible to do that right where you are. Go see a therapist to learn how to say "No" & "that won't work for me". Your time is just as valuable as theirs is. You are not their house staff, or are you?
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Old 06-26-2019, 02:52 PM
 
394 posts, read 156,333 times
Reputation: 1097
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
The problem with this whole retirement scenario is that she hasn't seem to have thought about it (or at least talked about it) before the last six months or so. There have been some staff departures and other changes at work that she doesn't like, but virtually everyone has been dealing with that. It seems fairly spur of the moment. His employer also laid off about half their staff. It's not like his employment is that stable either. Her banking job is going to be a lot more stable than manufacturing.

If he gets laid off, they are toast.

I don't understand Dad's logic at all. It's not like she's ever been pressed to do anything after work, but she has previously at least done her laundry and such. She went shopping last night - no idea if she got anything, but then she complained that she doesn't want to do the laundry to go to the beach. They leave Saturday morning. The lawn hasn't been mowed in two weeks due to all the rain, so my guess is that he'll be doing all the lawn work Friday during the day, doing all the laundry, packing most things - meanwhile, Mom will spend most of the evening watching television.

He works a very physical job. I've been helping them on a lot of the house stuff lately. What's going to happen to him when he's having to mow the acre plus on a hill, do all the housework, work full-time, etc., into his 60s, while Mom probably does little to nothing? Several of his uncles died after sudden heart attacks in their 60s. Mom has said they "can't relocate," so I don't know what their options are.

The bottom line is that what might have seemed fine two decades ago when they were 40 and I was 12 (big house needing a lot of work, big, hilly yard with lots of trees, lots of pets) is not appropriate at 60 nearing retirement with health issues. Adjustments really haven't been made.
Go live your life and act poor. In other words, don't help them financially if they run into trouble. Quit being their "go to" person in times of trouble. QUIT helping them. Tell your mom to view the laundry as going to the gym. She needs the exercise. Offer to go on walks with her, NOT help with the chores. She is 60, not 80.
You are also better off assisting them with healthy meals.
Tell her to quit acting as if she's 80.
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Old 06-26-2019, 03:30 PM
 
81 posts, read 67,707 times
Reputation: 252
People:

He is not looking for advice. Much has been given with no acknowledgement.
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Old 06-26-2019, 04:22 PM
 
Location: VT; previously MD & NJ
2,183 posts, read 1,338,732 times
Reputation: 6286
Quote:
Originally Posted by joni78 View Post
People:

He is not looking for advice. Much has been given with no acknowledgement.
He works all day, then spends evenings running around for his parents and girlfriend. He will come back to respond eventually.
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Old 06-26-2019, 05:11 PM
Status: "Disagreeing is not the same thing as trolling." (set 6 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
9,438 posts, read 3,628,914 times
Reputation: 19454
Age 61 and 62 are not considered "elderly" anymore.

I'm not sure what can be done about morbid obesity. Even the people I know who had weight loss surgery, all of them gained the weight back eventually.

But I would stop doing her laundry.
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Old 06-26-2019, 05:16 PM
 
25,964 posts, read 32,962,923 times
Reputation: 32145
Quote:
Originally Posted by crone View Post
I am going to ask you the question I finally asked myself after my 52 year old mom moved in with us for 20 years.
52??? 20 years?? Eek!!
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Old 06-26-2019, 05:20 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,805 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10665
The OP is also a drinker.

He's overweight.

Has unhealthy relationships.

Uses alcohol to self-medicate.

Otherwise, he sounds like a very nice guy.

He needs to get a spine and live his own life - either in his current town, or move FAR AWAY!

If you think about it, his problems are kind of an excuse not to step up to the plate of his own life and claim it!

Get rid of these whiney, lazy people feeding off of your co-dependence, OP!

Get a life!

Have fun!
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Old 06-26-2019, 08:18 PM
 
Location: Central Illinois -
21,524 posts, read 14,343,579 times
Reputation: 14661
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
If you think about it, his problems are kind of an excuse not to step up to the plate of his own life and claim it!

Get rid of these whiney, lazy people feeding off of your co-dependence, OP!
I think you're right, and perhaps that is what he needs to hear: Co-dependance. That seems to be the root of his problems.
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Old 06-26-2019, 08:27 PM
 
Location: Central IL
15,201 posts, read 8,504,300 times
Reputation: 35562
Quote:
Originally Posted by odanny View Post
I think you're right, and perhaps that is what he needs to hear: Co-dependance. That seems to be the root of his problems.
Yes, it can be a great feeling to think that so much rests on you rushing in to save the day...and the righteous thinking that you're the only good and healthy one doing so. Meanwhile you're not only hurting yourself but those you purportedly want to help.

OP - this is not just a pattern with your family but also your GF - you picked someone that seems to require as much aid as your parents!

So, let your parents struggle a little. Without your help, your father's eyes may open (further) and he can put some pressure on your mother in a way you cannot. Help him to help her, by stopping your help!
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Old 06-26-2019, 08:46 PM
 
Location: North State (California)
39,307 posts, read 2,966,634 times
Reputation: 12848
Live your own life, Put yourself first.
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