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Old 06-19-2019, 07:30 AM
 
1,942 posts, read 2,708,224 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
I'm dealing with something in my personal life I want to throw out here.

Mom has some autoimmune problems, but a massively poor diet (mostly fast food), morbid obesity (5'2 ~275ish), and is completely sedentary. It's hard to tell what her baseline would be with reasonable taking care of herself.
How did I miss this? Most likely because I answered when I woke up in the middle of the night and wasn't fully awake. I am so very sorry about that. This is one of the most important you said, and I simply sailed over it.

Whether or not your mom is depressed (she probably is but that's not a sure bet), she has to be dead tired when she gets home from work, and, again, whether she is tired or not (she must be very tired), she can't possibly feel at all good physically. For just ONE thing: with that weight at her height -- her knees must be killing her.

I have a neighbor -- it's a real miracle that she's even still alive. She is 72, has to be around 400 pounds at 5'4-ish (and has been for many years), has a host of physical problems including diabetes, and she can hardly stand for any length of time let alone walk for any distance. Somehow she manages to do all the shopping, cooking, laundry, and daily straightening up of the home. (Her husband is a couch potato and refuses to leave their apartment except for doctor appointments.) They are far from rich -- they both had low-paying jobs all their working lives and never planned for retirement (and I have no doubt she is telling the truth because neither she nor her husband are the brightest lamps on the block), but she does pay a housekeeper to come every week to clean the apartment. (They never had children, and they married late in life. First marriage for both.)

NO ONE can make your mother take better care of herself. No one.

I am so sorry. My OP to you was of no help whatsoever. This post isn't either, I know. I'm just rambling while I try to think of some solution. This is such a sad, sad, impossible situation. I just feel so bad for you, and I wish there were some great solution I could hand you -- because you are SUCH a good daughter and person. The only thing i can say (again) is that you have to take care of yourself first -- or you'll be dead before your parents -- or at least be out of a job. You obviously love both your parents -- but you HAVE to care for yourself first. It is not a matter of being selfish. It's simply a matter of being human and being realistic.

Wait a minute -- I can hand one thing that, believe it or not, will help. You must have medical insurance through your work. If you do have insurance and it does cover counseling, get some professional counseling. I did, off and on, all through my working life -- it was a real life saver at times -- but I paid for it out of pocket because I didn't want my employer(s) knowing about it. I worked for the government, and I just couldn't have my employer(s) knowing that I was seeing a mental health professional. Your counseling shouldn't take a long time -- but even one visit, OOP, is expensive.

You know, I'm going to shut up and go away. I still hope you'll PM me sometime to let me know how you're doing.
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Old 06-19-2019, 07:51 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,541 posts, read 17,525,434 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveinMtAiry View Post
Is she physically unable to do the stair climbing that the laundry requires? If that is her argument you may be in a tough spot.
Can she get up and down the stairs? Yes, if she has to. I live in downtown Kingsport about three miles from the office. They live about seven miles from the office in the other direction.

It has gotten to the point she won't go downstairs to clean the litterboxes. I've taken my oldest cat with me because the boxes won't get cleaned from the time he leaves until he gets home ~2 AM or so. With five cats in the house at the time, it's a problem.

Quote:
Originally Posted by luv4horses View Post
Clearly she’s depressed. She may have a chemical imbalance and would benefit from medical intervention. Maybe she could get a second job to fill her empty hours.
She has several medical conditions going on. I get that she doesn't have a lot of energy and no one is expecting her to run marathons - with that said, she will not even do something as basic as loading dishes into the dishwasher. Dad and I got our first gym membership in 2000. She was 43 then and had no medical problems. I never remember her even going on a short walk around the neighborhood, much less going to the gym.

I came by on my lunch hour yesterday to roll the trash down as he had a dentist appointment before work and the sink was still piled with dishes from where he made lunch on Father's Day. One of the bedrooms is so hoarded with her retail purchases (mostly Kohl's, Penney's, etc.) that the window and closet are not even accessible. There's no agency to do anything.

Last edited by Serious Conversation; 06-19-2019 at 08:00 AM..
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Old 06-19-2019, 08:58 AM
 
25,964 posts, read 32,962,923 times
Reputation: 32145
Jesus H. Stop going over there and enabling her. I’m serious. You think it’s rough now? Just wait. Dude I am 63 and I dug up a freaking 18” wide stump in my yard last month. If I sat my ass in a chair and never did anything I’d lose muscle and mobility. That’s what’s happened to your mom. As for retiring now, no they would be nuts to do that. Unless you are planning on quitting your job and becoming their full-time caregiver....and quite honestly it sound like they are expecting you to do that. Set them straight. Now. Or move far far away and force them to wake the hell up.

Sorry if that sounds harsh...but I think you need to get in front of this NOW. I am going through hell with my own parents. They were making a good living and retired too damn early. Now they both have serious health issues and require caregivers. The house will like be sold to pay for placing them in a home. It ain’t pretty and it ain’t fun.
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Old 06-19-2019, 09:12 AM
 
73 posts, read 41,731 times
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I don’t blame you for wanting to help your father out but, she’s got no reason to change her behavior if you’re going to continue to do every little thing for her. Plus, she’s a grown woman, if she’s wants to live that way, she can but, life is too short to be someone else’s slave by choice. You need to make some changes before this gets any worse.
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Old 06-19-2019, 09:13 AM
 
6,303 posts, read 5,042,575 times
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Looks like she was never an active person, so would be hard to get her started now.
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Old 06-19-2019, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,541 posts, read 17,525,434 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChessieMom View Post
Jesus H. Stop going over there and enabling her. I’m serious. You think it’s rough now? Just wait. Dude I am 63 and I dug up a freaking 18” wide stump in my yard last month. If I sat my ass in a chair and never did anything I’d lose muscle and mobility. That’s what’s happened to your mom. As for retiring now, no they would be nuts to do that. Unless you are planning on quitting your job and becoming their full-time caregiver....and quite honestly it sound like they are expecting you to do that. Set them straight. Now. Or move far far away and force them to wake the hell up.

Sorry if that sounds harsh...but I think you need to get in front of this NOW. I am going through hell with my own parents. They were making a good living and retired too damn early. Now they both have serious health issues and require caregivers. The house will like be sold to pay for placing them in a home. It ain’t pretty and it ain’t fun.
For some reason, my dad thinks that once she retires, she'll rest up, have more energy, then get more active. I don't see that happening - I think that work is the only thing keeping her from being in that damn chair 24x7. To a degree, she's always been like this - as soon as she gets off work, she does basically nothing. She might run to Target or something once a week or so.

They don't have a lot of money. They're going to have the mortgage payment in retirement. I don't see what her retiring at 62, immediately drawing SS, and laying in a rocking chair is going to do.

I'm just getting very frustrated dealing with it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
Looks like she was never an active person, so would be hard to get her started now.
Her doctors have told her she needs to be more active for years. She has an autoimmune condition going on that's not being treated well here. I've tried to encourage to seek better specialists in Knoxville or Charlotte, but she won't even consider it.
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Old 06-19-2019, 09:20 AM
 
Location: North State (California)
39,307 posts, read 2,966,634 times
Reputation: 12848
You need to dial back. Stop going over so often. It will only get worse, unless you start some boundaries NOW.
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Old 06-19-2019, 09:22 AM
 
25,964 posts, read 32,962,923 times
Reputation: 32145
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
For some reason, my dad thinks that once she retires, she'll rest up, have more energy, then get more active. I don't see that happening - I think that work is the only thing keeping her from being in that damn chair 24x7. To a degree, she's always been like this - as soon as she gets off work, she does basically nothing. She might run to Target or something once a week or so.

They don't have a lot of money. They're going to have the mortgage payment in retirement. I don't see what her retiring at 62, immediately drawing SS, and laying in a rocking chair is going to do.

I'm just getting very frustrated dealing with it.



Her doctors have told her she needs to be more active for years. She has an autoimmune condition going on that's not being treated well here. I've tried to encourage to seek better specialists in Knoxville or Charlotte, but she won't even consider it.
Of course you are getting frustrated. And Im telling you, its only going to get worse. Shes not going to change anything, because you are doing for her what she needs to be doing for herself. You have to stop. And you have to tell them that you are going to stop. They are behaving like very elderly people, and they are not. Tell them you will no longer enable them.
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Old 06-19-2019, 09:26 AM
 
429 posts, read 104,127 times
Reputation: 1026
OP, what you are doing is called ENABLING.
She has no reason to get up from the chair because you'll be coming there to do it for her.
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Old 06-19-2019, 09:30 AM
 
11,963 posts, read 5,102,113 times
Reputation: 18693
I'm sorry to say this but given her lifestyle and very heavy weight for her size, I doubt her retirement is going to last very long before her health gives out completely and your dad finds himself a widower.
I knew someone like her who was very obese and became sedentary. She lived with family and pretty much refused to do anything for herself. For a little while, she'd go up and down the stairs slowly when it was time for bed. Then she just slept downstairs because it was too much of an effort to go up. Then she never got off the sofa except to use the bathroom. She watched TV all day and ate. At some point, still in her 60s she lost so much muscle she literally could not lift herself off the chair to use the bathroom. Eventually at age 70, her organs failed and she passed away.
Do something now before it's too late.

Last edited by marino760; 06-19-2019 at 09:43 AM..
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