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Old 07-08-2019, 01:17 PM
 
Location: NJ
10,735 posts, read 21,380,587 times
Reputation: 8964

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
I'm dealing with something in my personal life I want to throw out here.

My parents are 61, turning 62 this fall, and mom is thinking of retiring immediately upon hitting 62 and drawing SS. She's career low income and has likely never made more than $40,000 annually. Financially, this is stupid. Their total retirement savings are the in $100,000-$150,000 range (yes, I know the numbers). They still have a mortgage payment around ~$700/month, ~$250/month on her new CR-V. Best I can tell, they let a bunch of CCs default back in 2013/2014 (I had their creditors calling me looking for them) but have rehabilitated their credit to the point the big local CC will give them an auto loan and they get unsolicited CC offers now. They've each worked for multiple private sector companies and were vested in those pensions - from my napkin math, that should be roughly $1,000/month income above and beyond whatever they can generate privately and from SS.

Mom has some autoimmune problems, but a massively poor diet (mostly fast food), morbid obesity (5'2 ~275ish), and is completely sedentary. It's hard to tell what her baseline would be with reasonable taking care of herself.

As soon as she gets off work, she goes to her recliner, where she sits asides from eating or bathroom trips until bedtime. She no longer does any of their laundry (I drive back to my parents' home twice a week on my lunch hour to do their laundry - dad and I coordinate laundry changeovers). Dad works a physical job on a second shift. I'll drive by in the morning or at lunch and start a load, then he'll change it out in the evening before his shift starts. That's the only way they can complete their laundry - mother does nothing when she comes in during the evening unless I drive by and literally bring it up for her. She's not incapable of carrying towels upstairs. My grandmother lives just a mile from my parents, so oftentimes these chores get doubled up.

I truly don't mind to help, but what I'm getting frustrated with is the endless recliner sitting while everyone else works. She's hourly and has a desk job. I'm salaried exempt and have far more responsibility than she's ever had. Dad is hourly but has a physical job. As soon as mom gets in, it's sit in that chair and maybe warm up a can of Chef Boyardee while I'm still working, then I'm expected to come over and help her.

Dad thinks once she retires she'll get to feeling better and won't be so sedentary once she gets rested. My guess is she'll become even more sedentary with nothing to keep her going, and that it won't be long until I find her dead in that chair.

Thoughts?
When I started reading I didn't realize it was 7 pages long. I have mine set to show 40 posts per page, so it's now 7 pages.

You want help from someone that's disabled which I am. I'm on an ice pack at my desk most of the day. I normally put laundry in, in the morning. My laundry area is set up so that it's easy for me. I have a hanging bar where I hang shirts as they come out of the dryer. Clothes are thrown straight into the washer, it gets run at least once a day, more on Mondays when I do towels, Tuesday has bedding. Setting up the laundry area for your parents makes a lot of sense. My washer is on the 2nd floor where the bedrooms are. So thankful it's not in the basement. Would you be able to relocate their washer and dryer to say the kitchen area with a washer/ dryer combo?

Who's laundry is your dad doing? Maybe he should worry about himself and let your mom worry about herself. Sounds like your dad needs to emotionally check out of the marriage some for your mothers own good. This will allow you to check out some too.

I do understand your worrying about your dad; I was the same way. Mine was in a loveless marriage but he refused to divorce her because he didn't want to lose everything he worked so hard for. What would your mother do without your dad, I'm talking financially or for help.

Who's cooking for your dad? My mother made my father a roast once a week for him to eat all week. I was happy when they built a house 7 blocks from me so he could eat with us but he got cancer. Thankfully he did eat with us when he wasn't admitted. We let her worry about herself and cats. They both came over on the weekends for a cook out or whatever roast I made.

What is the plan for your mother if something happens to your father? Can she go live with her mother or sister? Sounds like they really need some sort of plan, especially with your father killing himself letting your mother slide. I highly doubt she's going to pitch in when she retires and her purse addiction will get worst. Those purses should start getting returned as she brings them home because I'm sure if you looked them up online, they're not even worth what she paid on ebay or any other sites.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
What gets me is that my MOM should be helping my aunt out with my grandmother.

All the "grandma burden" falls to my aunt and me. My aunt is a few years younger than mom, but has Crohn's disease, is widowed, and has other health issues herself. Mom never pitches in, and only lives about a mile away from grandma. My grandmother will call me if she needs something quickly done. She doesn't ask mom for anything.

I went out to the marina with my dad, uncle, and a couple of friends for an hour and a half Friday night. Girlfriend went to FL with her mom, but blew up on me because I went out. She has no income, car isn't reliable, etc. It's a major and unnecessary burden on me, especially when she's demanding and not supportive. Our relationship has been strained for the last few months. If she wants to come back around and can behave, I'll spend time with her, but I need some downtime until all this gets sorted out.



I used to take walks on my lunch hour. I might have gotten one in all month. Tuesday is "roll the trash down" day for the parents, but dad can do it. I'm not going back home and foregoing the walk to roll down the trash.

All the family/girlfriend obligations have become like mosquitoes flying around me. Mom did get me from the airport last Saturday (it's just ten minutes from their house...), but I have a hard time remembering when someone actually did something to lighten my load.
Sorry your relationship is strained. You've been with her a long time

Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
I sold the condo a couple months back when my team moved to a different city.

I'm hoping to get to a Raleigh or Nashville. I just wanted more flexibility on that front.

I've only seen her a couple times since I went on vacation. I miss her and she'll FaceTime me, but it feels "done" at this point.
How's the relationship? Is it over?

Surprised she didn't try for SS disability.
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Old Yesterday, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
23,623 posts, read 17,606,575 times
Reputation: 27696
Well, she wanted to meet for dinner Monday night, and she's not even going to hold out until her birthday.

She apparently has turned in her notice and is leaving 8/2. I don't know if a couple months will really mean anything or not, but she's seen the exit signs and is wanting off immediately. They've cut the cable, and he's traded the $70/month YMCA membership for $10 Planet Fitness. That will save about $200/month there. Their phones will be paid off in October and that's another $90/month or so. They eat lunch together at Cracker Barrel or a couple other places about four days a week, so that's an opportunity to chop some expenses out.

I'm not sure what the delta is between her income and what her SS/pension income would be. With that said, if they chop quite a bit out, it might work, but they have to have the willpower to do so.
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Old Yesterday, 09:24 AM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,324 posts, read 4,172,231 times
Reputation: 18382
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
I'm not sure what the delta is between her income and what her SS/pension income would be. With that said, if they chop quite a bit out, it might work, but they have to have the willpower to do so.
Repeat after me: "This is not my problem to solve." It's up to your parents to figure out how to make it on the income they will have. Stay out of it, for your own sanity!
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Old Yesterday, 09:41 AM
 
Location: planet earth
4,845 posts, read 1,853,019 times
Reputation: 10782
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
Well, she wanted to meet for dinner Monday night, and she's not even going to hold out until her birthday.

She apparently has turned in her notice and is leaving 8/2. I don't know if a couple months will really mean anything or not, but she's seen the exit signs and is wanting off immediately. They've cut the cable, and he's traded the $70/month YMCA membership for $10 Planet Fitness. That will save about $200/month there. Their phones will be paid off in October and that's another $90/month or so. They eat lunch together at Cracker Barrel or a couple other places about four days a week, so that's an opportunity to chop some expenses out.

I'm not sure what the delta is between her income and what her SS/pension income would be. With that said, if they chop quite a bit out, it might work, but they have to have the willpower to do so.
You should not know the intimate details of your parents finances.

You need to move far away, while you can still get out and save your own life.
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Old Yesterday, 09:57 AM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
21,920 posts, read 14,414,141 times
Reputation: 30871
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
You should not know the intimate details of your parents finances.

You need to move far away, while you can still get out and save your own life.
Several of us here have advised SC that we think he is too involved with his parentsí lives, as he has contact with them daily. But I do not think he has been able to agree with this.

He makes his own life choices.
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Old Yesterday, 09:05 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,845 posts, read 1,853,019 times
Reputation: 10782
Quote:
Originally Posted by silibran View Post
Several of us here have advised SC that we think he is too involved with his parentsí lives, as he has contact with them daily. But I do not think he has been able to agree with this.

He makes his own life choices.
Most everyone makes their own life choices.

One thing a forum like this can do is POSSIBLY open someone's eyes, so they don't waste their lives.

Of course, he is free to waste his life if that's what he chooses.
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Old Yesterday, 09:27 PM
 
6,325 posts, read 5,069,672 times
Reputation: 12850
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
You should not know the intimate details of your parents finances.

You need to move far away, while you can still get out and save your own life.
He is an only child.

In a larger family, there is usually one child that sort of takes the reins in this type of thing. He is the only one.

My sister and I were the younger ones in the family. My older sibings are surprised when we tell them that we did this or that for our parents financially.
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Old Yesterday, 11:16 PM
 
13,962 posts, read 7,434,967 times
Reputation: 25472
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
You should not know the intimate details of your parents finances.

You need to move far away, while you can still get out and save your own life.
Huh? My mother has dementia. I know her finances to the penny. Given the health train wreck path his mother is on, SC should have durable power of attorney for both his parents in place and a good handle on their finances. He can move out of town but itís likely he will be managing finances at some point.
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Old Yesterday, 11:36 PM
 
6,325 posts, read 5,069,672 times
Reputation: 12850
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
Huh? My mother has dementia. I know her finances to the penny. Given the health train wreck path his mother is on, SC should have durable power of attorney for both his parents in place and a good handle on their finances. He can move out of town but itís likely he will be managing finances at some point.
Thank you!
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Old Today, 06:03 AM
 
12,044 posts, read 5,146,469 times
Reputation: 18901
Quote:
Originally Posted by GeoffD View Post
Huh? My mother has dementia. I know her finances to the penny. Given the health train wreck path his mother is on, SC should have durable power of attorney for both his parents in place and a good handle on their finances. He can move out of town but it’s likely he will be managing finances at some point.
That's a very different scenario. His parents are both alive, in their early/mid sixties and don't have dementia. As long as at least one of his parents is of sound mind, their finances are non of his business unless they want to share that information with him.
People of sound mind are allowed to spend their money how they wish and retire when they wish without their adult children forcing them to do other wise. OP may not like it, but that's really irrelevant.
He may indeed find himself managing their finances at some point when they are no longer able to but that time isn't now and may not be for another 15 years or perhaps never.
His parents view the OP who they obviously love very much as a heavy drinker with his own set of personal problems and aren't about to let him run their lives. Just because you don't like what your parents do financially when they are in their 60s and still mentally competent, it doesn't give you any rights to take over their finances and if you try to do so legally, you'll be laughed out of court. It's their money.

Last edited by marino760; Today at 06:26 AM..
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