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Old 06-19-2019, 09:31 AM
 
6,303 posts, read 5,042,575 times
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I hope she can overcome this. 60 isn't that old to start a new adventure. I plan on doing that.
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Old 06-19-2019, 11:12 AM
 
Location: Denver CO
21,148 posts, read 11,754,604 times
Reputation: 32127
Hoarding is a mental illness. And it has high rates of comorbidity with other conditions such as major depression and anxiety disorders. I'm not a mental health professional and I'm by no means qualified to diagnose anyone, never mind someone I'm hearing about second hand though the internet.

But I would bet everything I've got that your mother has significant mental health issues in addition to the physical ones you've mentioned. And your father is enabler, training you to become one too. Based on what I remember of some of your posts about your own relationship, he's done an excellent job of that because you put yourself in exactly the same position with your last girlfriend (without reading through all of your posts, it looks like that relationship is over? If so, that would be a very good thing).

You can't save them, either of them. They are in their 60s, they aren't going to change. Even if you tried to force them into therapy or counseling, and to seek more effective treatment for the physical issues, it's not going to happen.

You can only save yourself and you need to start now. Get out while you can. I know it's cruel but it's your only hope.
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Old 06-19-2019, 12:51 PM
 
5,419 posts, read 3,440,673 times
Reputation: 13649
Good nutritional healthy food is crucial - in order to have a good level of energy and mental health.

A can of Chef Boyardee and solely or mostly fast food which your mother is eating can make all the difference in the world toward what she has become and in preventing her from living life well or on a positive level.

Last edited by matisse12; 06-19-2019 at 01:01 PM..
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Old 06-19-2019, 02:11 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,799 posts, read 1,824,401 times
Reputation: 10660
Why did you start taking over laundry for an independent, undisabled adult? Weird, and probably "co-dependent" (hate that term and don't really "believe" in it, as humans are interdependent, but there are some unhealthy relationships where one person tries to control other people, etc.)

If you want to do something that will be truly helpful, accompany them shopping for nutritious food for a couple of trips (at their expense) - to train them in what is healthy.

I don't know anyone who eats "Chef Boyardee."

Get creative and talk to your dad and tell him you are retiring from laundry enabling (and then tell your mom).

There is no reason why healthy 60+ year olds can't do their own laundry and everything else that needs to be done.
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Old 06-19-2019, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,999 posts, read 17,320,800 times
Reputation: 41258
Perhaps your father should sit down with her and discuss the actual finances if she retires and starts SS at age 62 and starts SS then. A friend of mine was very excited to retire at age 62 (I believe that her husband retired at age 62 also). Both from rather low paying jobs. When they were both collecting SS that had enough money to live (barely) and they were "happy as clams" even though they couldn't afford vacations or any extra things. When her husband passed away in his late 70s and she suddenly had only one SS check (her check with a slight increase because his check was a little higher). She discovered that she couldn't pay her bills with only one SS check and will probably have to move out of her mobile home into low-income housing. She now tells everyone that taking SS before full retirement age is the worst possible thing that they could do. She and her late husband always looked at the money supporting two people on two SS checks and not thinking ahead to how one of them could support themselves on just one SS check.
Your parents should discuss how their finances will change if only one of them were alive. One of those pensions may disappear and only one SS check.
Also, what will your mom do for insurance from age 62 until Medicare age (65)? That can be extremely, extremely expensive.

Last edited by germaine2626; 06-19-2019 at 03:19 PM..
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Old 06-19-2019, 03:14 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,999 posts, read 17,320,800 times
Reputation: 41258
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serious Conversation View Post
(snip)
while I'm still working, then I'm expected to come over and help her.



Thoughts?
Who is expecting you "to come over and help her"?
Your non-disabled, non-elderly mother is not your responsibility. You have your own life. What if you lived in another state or country? What if you were married and had a spouse and child? What if you had a disabled spouse/child? What if you died? Not that I am suggesting that it is better to die, but my point is that if you are not around your mother would need to figure out a way of doing all those things by herself.

Just say "No" and stop doing those things. Perhaps, it would be easier if you lived far away. You couldn't come over during your lunch hour and after work every day if you worked and lived 1,000 miles away (even a hundred miles away).

Last edited by germaine2626; 06-19-2019 at 04:43 PM..
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Old 06-19-2019, 03:58 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
7,289 posts, read 4,145,583 times
Reputation: 18254
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Perhaps your father should sit down with her and discuss the actual finances if she retires and starts SS at age 62 and starts SS then.

(snip)

Your parents should discuss how their finances will change if only one of them were alive. One of those pensions may disappear and only one SS check.
Also, what will your mom do for insurance from age 62 until Medicare age (65)? That can be extremely, extremely expensive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626 View Post
Who is expecting you "to come over and help her"?
Your non-disabled, non-elderly mother is not your responsibility. You have your own life.
OP, these are very wise words. Please, for your own sanity, heed them!

You can't save your parents if they are determined to engage in folly. You can only save yourself. If your father can't discourage your mother from retiring at age 62 and becoming an immobile blob in her recliner, you have no hope whatsoever of doing so.

Time to save yourself.
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Old 06-19-2019, 04:12 PM
 
Location: Southern California
23,630 posts, read 8,219,173 times
Reputation: 15422
Good grief, 60, 61 is young, I was still going to the gym in my mid 60''s unless joints just got too bad. I took and take care of myself. Your parents did not and that is not your problem. I still take care of myself in my early 80's and what I can't do I get help and pay if I have to. I didn't read all the thread, do you live with them?
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Old 06-19-2019, 04:22 PM
 
Location: Williamsburg, VA
3,551 posts, read 1,647,282 times
Reputation: 10162
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaminhealth View Post
Good grief, 60, 61 is young, I was still going to the gym in my mid 60''s

Same here, and I'm still considered "the kid" in most of my classes. Even the instructors are older than that. This morning my water aerobics instructor bragged about this being "Her trombone year" (76, get it?).

Disabilities happen at any age, of course. Still, I have to agree with the others that she sounds a little too young to be this way, and this sounds like an unhealthy relationship where you are the enabler. Do you really want to do this for several more decades? The odds are high you could turn 60, yourself, and you will still be doing all these services for her. Something to think about.
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Old 06-19-2019, 05:37 PM
 
3,529 posts, read 1,344,614 times
Reputation: 6910
essentially, i attempted to post our experiences with my Wife's Mother.
however, those encounters only reinforce what others have said.
bottom line: she ain't a-gonna change.
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