Supporting your "sedentary in the chair" retiree parent. (weather, conversation)

[matisse12]

Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe

I haven't read all of the pages of this thread. But, my first thought was that your mom is almost as old as I am. I have a lot of pain issues and when I am home, I'm in my chair on ice. And I don't work a job. If I also had to work, I'd be a complete wreck and in pain when I got home.

My second thought was that your parents are grown-ups. They were adults taking care of their own lives when you were born. Leave them alone to do what they want to do with their lives.

Nobody is "making" you do anything now that you are an adult. It's up to you to set boundaries. But, not having boundaries doesn't equal giving you the right to control someone else. And that's what it seems like you're trying to do.

There's a really cool concept regarding boundaries that I recently heard of. It's called the hoola hoop. Basically, you imagine yourself inside a hoola hoop and the same for other people around you. Everybody has a hoola hoop around them. You can only control what's inside your hoola hoop - your behavior, your decisions. Anything outside of your hoola hoop is something you can't control. And everybody (at least adults) has the right to keep you out of their hoola hoop.

So, I suggest you quit trying to climb into your parents' hoola hoops. And when they try to convince you that you are responsible for what's inside their hoola hoops, just tell them nope. If they don't want to do their own laundry, there are laundromats who will do it, and some services will even pick up and deliver. I don't wash my clothes very often. Unless they are sweaty and stinky, I hang it back up for another day. I hand wash things that don't have obvious stains on them. But, your parents' dirty laundry is definitely not your problem.

For some things, it's actually beneficial to be lower income in retirement, like cheaper health care, access to food banks, access to in home support services, meals on wheels, etc. And if they don't care about expensive travel, then it sounds like they have enough. Their needs and wants sound really simple. You don't need a ton of money if you're happy at home. I live on $716 Social Security retirement and food stamps and I got a Section 8 voucher. I rarely go out to eat and I'm a home body. I have Medicaid with no share of cost. I go to the food bank, I walk my dog, I go to free libraries and parks. Being poor in America on a fixed income that will show up every month, if your needs are simple, is not the end of the world.

Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe

Me, too. My daughter doesn't speak to me right now, and I miss the good times, but she got to a point where she thought I was an idiot again - like they do when they're teenagers, then they think you're brilliant, and now it's morphed back into her thinking I'm an idiot. I actually have a fear of her taking over my life and trying to have me committed or something. As much as I miss the good times, I'm much happier without her looking at me through her critical filter now. Sad but true. I'd rather be left alone than be criticized by someone who conveniently has forgotten that I was a functioning adult before she was even born.

OP, not to disparage you - I don't know your whole story. But, just so you can see how other seniors feel about kids who might treat them like they can't manage their own lives. Maybe your parents demand your help, but if they don't, I really suggest you leave them alone. You won't be required to take care of them when they get to the point they can't manage themselves. For people who can't afford to pay for fancy assisted living, the government will still take care of them. So, people really shouldn't stress out over that. The government won't throw people out to the curb when they can't care for themselves anymore and they don't have the funds to pay for it. They'll be fine.

I agree, excellent advice above! and very good information!

[Fran66]

Originally Posted by Lodestar 77

Fran, OP is male.

Thanks for this info and for the other info too.

[selhars]

You won't be required to take care of them when they get to the point they can't manage themselves. For people who can't afford to pay for fancy assisted living, the government will still take care of them. So, people really shouldn't stress out over that.

-- Some states have filial responsibility laws.
-- IF one of them (or both) ever need any kind of facility, some facilities won't let you in, unless someone signs that they're be financially responsible for any monies/payments/shortfall due. And they WILL be looking for that to be YOU.

[1insider]

Originally Posted by selhars

-- Some states have filial responsibility laws.
-- IF one of them (or both) ever need any kind of facility, some facilities won't let you in, unless someone signs that they're be financially responsible for any monies/payments/shortfall due. And they WILL be looking for that to be YOU.

To add to this, it's very likely OPs mom is going to need to be in a facility before the dad. That means she'll drain the family's meager savings before she can qualify for a Medicaid bed. Dad's salary may prevent her from getting an ACA subsidy in the years between her retirement and age 65 further straining the family's finances.

OP, get ready to have to assist them financially. I agree with other posters that there are several signs of Mom's depression here.

[ChessieMom]

If they drain their assets, Medicaid will pay for that facility. OT will not be responsible for that, in ANY way. Y’all need to do more research on how filial laws are actually applied. It’s rare, and it usually done when someone is trying to defraud a facility out of payment that is already owed to them.

[1insider]

Originally Posted by ChessieMom

If they drain their assets, Medicaid will pay for that facility. OT will not be responsible for that, in ANY way. Y’all need to do more research on how filial laws are actually applied. It’s rare, and it usually done when someone is trying to defraud a facility out of payment that is already owed to them.

That's exactly what I was pointing out. The assets they have will be exhausted before Medicaid steps in. Dad will be broke and living on SS if that happens. OP might find himself buying groceries for Dad.

[jrkliny]

Originally Posted by 1insider

......
OP, get ready to have to assist them financially. .....

I wouldn't. It is a bottomless pit. Only the extremely wealthy can afford to take on expensive nursing care for a relative. Unfortunately, your mother is making destructive choices and you will not be able to fix them with money or otherwise.

[1insider]

Originally Posted by jrkliny

I wouldn't. It is a bottomless pit. Only the extremely wealthy can afford to take on expensive nursing care for a relative. Unfortunately, your mother is making destructive choices and you will not be able to fix them with money or otherwise.

In my case, my siblings and I had no choice but to pay for my mother's assisted living expenses for several years before she had to be moved to a nursing home at which time Medicaid stepped in. I'm not wealthy but extremely thankful to have had two siblings to share that expense with.

[Serious Conversation]

Originally Posted by jaminhealth

Good grief, 60, 61 is young, I was still going to the gym in my mid 60''s unless joints just got too bad. I took and take care of myself. Your parents did not and that is not your problem. I still take care of myself in my early 80's and what I can't do I get help and pay if I have to. I didn't read all the thread, do you live with them?

No. I live about ten miles away in town. The whole "come help" thing has gotten much worse in the last few months since I moved back to Kingsport and I'm not thirty miles away any longer.

She managed to go get a manicure last night, but texted me to roll the trash up the hilly driveway. I took it down for them Tuesday. There's no reason the trash had to be up last night. This week has been crazy for me - I got back Saturday from Maine, did my laundry, and haven't been home before 9 PM any night this work week.

Originally Posted by Ariadne22

No, she isn't going to change. Deterioration will continue. I worked with three morbidly obese women. One had all manner of ailments complicated by all the medication she was on, died at age 48. Another, a diabetic dealing with a parent who had dementia, same thing - died in her early 50's. A third was let go from her job, and died a few weeks later in her chair at age 60. The 60 year old had several joint replacements - hip and knee, I think. Didn't change her eating habits ever - junk food and bakery. Said "good" food was too expensive. Truth be told, she was addicted to the garbage food and too lazy to cook.

For myself, personally, I notice immediately if I am not eating enough fresh food. I never eat junk food. The body doesn't recognize and can't properly process refined grains, high fructose corn syrup, preservatives, hormones, and, instead, turns the food into fat instead of calories - further screwing up the metabolism and entrenching the obesity. On top of which, so many "empty" calories means one is always "hungry."

But it takes work to eat right. Shopping, storage, preparation and thought given to each meal so that it is balanced. Your mom would see a big payoff if she made the effort. She might even feel well enough eventually to get out of that chair. But old habits are hard to break.

Good luck to you, SC.

She works about four miles away from an excellent grocery store. It's had to be months since she went to the grocery store on her own. She just will not do it.

She'll come home and eat cereal, ravioli, maybe a plain white bread sandwich, etc., after eating Cracker Barrel or a nearby pizza place for lunch. Breakfast is almost always a McDonald's biscuit.

That's not the source of all her problems, but it certainly doesn't help.

[barbienj]

I am nearing my 60s and go to the gym 3 times a week, walk at least 4 miles a day and strength train, all for the health benefits. Your mom is too young to be sitting in a chair all the time.