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Old 06-20-2019, 11:41 PM
 
6,943 posts, read 3,855,193 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vrexy View Post
Who said the part I bolded? I read and reread all of the posts, but I can't find where anyone said that. Please point that out to me, because I just can't find it!

Thanks!
It seems to me that it came from post number six, down near the bottom...

"I just reread what I wrote. Pretty scary, isn't it. Sorry. And, yeah, it brought back a lot of memories for me. But most people have a rough time adjusting to retirement (whether or not they liked their former jobs). They're just not usually very honest about how they are really feeling. :-)"
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Old 06-21-2019, 12:38 AM
 
5,423 posts, read 3,440,673 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vrexy View Post

Who said the part I bolded? I read and reread all of the posts, but I can't find where anyone said that. Please point that out to me, because I just can't find it!
From the ‘In retirement, do you go to church/synagogue/mosque?’ thread:

Fran66 wrote:

What I have learned over the years -- and I wasn't going to say it here but I will now -- is that most retirees will tell you that they are happy in their retirement but they are lying. They struggle with depression, with the feeling of being useless, and with financial/health issues

In response to above post, BBCjunkie wrote:

You are painting a picture of retirees that certainly does not fit myself or appear to fit anyone I know. Now, you may choose to assume that all of us are engaged in some kind of grand deception or Oscar-worthy performance and are secretly miserable, but that assumption has about as much foundation as if you were to assume that (for example) "most Democrats will tell you that they hate Trump but they are lying" or "most people will tell you that they love their spouse but they are lying."

(in the above thread, the normal quote apparatus is gone because the thread is closed)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran66 View Post

But most people have a rough time adjusting to retirement (whether or not they liked their former jobs). They're just not usually very honest about how they are really feeling.

Last edited by matisse12; 06-21-2019 at 01:47 AM..
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Old 06-21-2019, 07:59 AM
 
3,339 posts, read 3,042,920 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by matisse12 View Post
It is very very far from typical. So far from typical that it is flat-out wrong for not only the vast majority, but the description is wrong for more than the vast majority.
Actually, In the legal field, esspecially in multinational large corporate law, in my experience I would say that Fran is pretty much spot on.
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Old 06-21-2019, 08:35 AM
 
1,945 posts, read 2,708,224 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by N.Cal View Post
Actually, In the legal field, esspecially in multinational large corporate law, in my experience I would say that Fran is pretty much spot on.
Omg, you brought sudden tears to me eyes.

I read those previous posts, and I was going to defend myself -- and I realized it was just useless, that they didn't understand what I meant and that they had taken my words somewhat out of context. And I knew it wasn't worth my time and energy.

Most people/retirees aren't devious liars -- I didn't say that and I didn't mean that. However, they do tend to present, to others, a much rosier picture of their retirement than the one they are really having.

And, yes, I am 'spot on'. I've been researching this for years (mainly on line but some books also). I've spoken with literally hundreds of retired seniors. I currently live in my third retirement community (over the past 10 years). I know very few poor seniors -- I know mostly middle-class (which I am) and some rich -- and even they aren't having the great retirements they dreamed of, but they 'fib'.

So why did retirees talk to me honestly about their retirement life (btw, I'm still talking to retired seniors)? Because (1) they didn't/don't know me, and they knew/know that they'll probably never see me again; (2) they came/come to know me and trust me; (3) they were/are having a hard time and I just happened to be 'there', and they have used me to vent.

As much as I hate the saying "Old age is not for sissies" -- it's spot on. Old age takes courage, and it takes more and more courage as we get older.

But does that mean that retirees ALL are miserable, that they aren't enjoying anything about retirement, that they NEVER have good times, and that we'd probably all be happier in H than in retirement -- LOL -- OF COURSE NOT. (Personally, for the most part, I love being retired. It just took some years after I first retired to get to this place. LOL) Retirement and old age are not just nearly as bright a picture as (most) retirees portray to others. And, sadly, they tend to be unprepared (mentally, emotionally, spiritually) for the inevitable difficult times in/of retirement.

So, thank you -- that was sweet of you. And now I'll reward you and everyone else by shutting up.
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Old 06-21-2019, 08:36 AM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,768 posts, read 4,822,990 times
Reputation: 19382
Quote:
Originally Posted by judd2401 View Post
Thanks for all the replies, I was surprised there were so many in 1 day, much appreciated. I have considered pretty much all of the thinking points mentioned. I know it's probably been covered ad nauseum, but I needed to write it down as part of my process. For those who wants more specifics, I'm married, I've met with several financial advisors over the years and we'll be fine financially albeit will live on less money. I migrated to a federal job so I could buy insurance and other benefits at employee rates in retirement and have achieved everything I could have hoped for in my career. We are both introverts and our social circle has narrowed significantly over the years because we have become less trustworthy of others, the distance we live from our friends, and our families live out of state and will not be much of a support for us unfortunately, we'll be on our own. So there have been some scare tactics involved, "you better get out of there and move back into civilization while you still can, while you still have your health." "You're going to be bored and miserable when you stop working, men don't do well in retirement, especially someone in your profession (I'm male and in the medical profession), "you won't be able to manage that property as you get older, it will be too much and you can't afford the upkeep", "you don't have any family nearby to help you, you need to move into a supportive environment" (to me that's a retirement village). And on and on.

So one thing I left out is that we have strong spiritual lives, and I lean on my faith when I get lost in a decision which is what is going to happen here, I can feel it coming, I'll just give it up and let things take their course, which is what I do when I've done all I can do. I'm famous for getting out my wife's art eazle and writing pro and con lists and revising it for months before I make a big decision, she also helps with that. I'm a planner and an organizer, and there's nothing left as far as pros and cons to think about, I'm aware of all the recommendations for a successful retirement, no one fits neatly into all the suggestions for a happy retirement, and I certainly don't, but I like some of the ideas for activity mentioned in these responses, things I had not thought about. My spouse is not pressuring me to keep working, or to retire, wants me to make my own decision, she's always been a homemaker and will do just fine. I'm the one that will be heavily challenged to not just sit down and become a couch potato. I can get up and give a lecture to 150 students in an auditorium without a problem, but have difficulty inserting myself into small groups of people I don't know. But when I do, it always seems to go well, I just have trouble putting my foot in the door.

Both my parents died in agony, my father with cancer, my mother in a nursing home with Alzheimers. This is driving me forward to lay down the gauntlet and ease up on myself. I also believe happiness comes and goes, joy is a constant. And I also believe our outlook and the emotions that drive that outlook can sometimes be decisions, and not necessarily come naturally. So in the end, I'll make the decision to move forward with my reinvention in a positive manner, just not sure I'll ever be ready or know when the time is right. I appreciate all the sentiments expressed here, thank you very much.
There are many ways to retire and no one way is right for everyone. If you like where you are, then stay there until you can't. I used to live on a big property and it was a lot of work. We enjoyed the work, until we didn't. And you can do the same. You can move closer to city or family when and if you feel the need to. No need to make some big final decision, you can always move later.

For us, we moved to a wonderful community of mostly retirees, but it's not like living in an old folks home. I'm talking about a neighborhood of several thousand people of various income brackets and interests from knitting to riding motorcycles. Yes, there is the cliche aqua aerobics at the pool, but there's also classes for stand up paddleboarding on the lake, and women's jet ski club. Someday we may decide that we want to downsize, or travel much more and so have a smaller home base to worry about. When that time comes, we'll sell and move again. We might even trade in our one big house for two little condos in two places. Who knows? The joy of retirement is that we can have those choices. If finances are not an issue, who wouldn't love to be able to select anywhere in the entire world to live, even if that is right where you already are? That's what retirement means to me. I'm not tied to the city where my 25 year career with one employer existed. I live clear across the country now, and we'll move some other great places before it's all done. We'll have 30 years of retirement if we're lucky, so picking just one place to stay for all that time is not really what we think will happen. We'll probably change our interests and hobbies and make new friends several times over that period too.

Retirement is a chance to either make yourself (or your life) over, or to spend more time making it even more of what you always liked and wanted it to be. Your choice. And if after retiring you just aren't happy at home, you can always go back to work at whatever job you like, because now having to make enough to live on is not something you'll have to worry about. We have a retired friend who sold insurance his whole life, so now he plays drums in a classic rock band several days a week. We have another retired friend who started a charity to train service dogs for disabled veterans that now has over 100 volunteers and trains and places 6-10 service dogs a year. You can do whatever you can imagine, and that's the joy of retirement.
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Old 06-21-2019, 08:47 AM
 
1,945 posts, read 2,708,224 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post
There are many ways to retire and no one way is right for everyone. If you like where you are, then stay there until you can't. I used to live on a big property and it was a lot of work. We enjoyed the work, until we didn't. And you can do the same. You can move closer to city or family when and if you feel the need to. No need to make some big final decision, you can always move later.

For us, we moved to a wonderful community of mostly retirees, but it's not like living in an old folks home. I'm talking about a neighborhood of several thousand people of various income brackets and interests from knitting to riding motorcycles. Yes, there is the cliche aqua aerobics at the pool, but there's also classes for stand up paddleboarding on the lake, and women's jet ski club. Someday we may decide that we want to downsize, or travel much more and so have a smaller home base to worry about. When that time comes, we'll sell and move again. We might even trade in our one big house for two little condos in two places. Who knows? The joy of retirement is that we can have those choices. If finances are not an issue, who wouldn't love to be able to select anywhere in the entire world to live, even if that is right where you already are? That's what retirement means to me. I'm not tied to the city where my 25 year career with one employer existed. I live clear across the country now, and we'll move some other great places before it's all done. We'll have 30 years of retirement if we're lucky, so picking just one place to stay for all that time is not really what we think will happen. We'll probably change our interests and hobbies and make new friends several times over that period too.

Retirement is a chance to either make yourself (or your life) over, or to spend more time making it even more of what you always liked and wanted it to be. Your choice. And if after retiring you just aren't happy at home, you can always go back to work at whatever job you like, because now having to make enough to live on is not something you'll have to worry about. We have a retired friend who sold insurance his whole life, so now he plays drums in a classic rock band several days a week. We have another retired friend who started a charity to train service dogs for disabled veterans that now has over 100 volunteers and trains and places 6-10 service dogs a year. You can do whatever you can imagine, and that's the joy of retirement.
Great post. However, if a retiree "can go back to work at whatever job (we) like" -- probably not. People in their 40s and 50s are having a rough time getting any job. Age discrimination is rampant. Also, we can do whatever we can imagine -- IF we have the money, and the majority of us don't. HOWEVER, I do believe that even with money (and if we're fairly healthy) we can find a way if we really want to do it -- "where there is a will, there is a way".
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Old 06-21-2019, 08:58 AM
 
6,211 posts, read 4,715,040 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by N.Cal View Post
Actually, In the legal field, esspecially in multinational large corporate law, in my experience I would say that Fran is pretty much spot on.
I see nothing that is "spot on" about having a miserable life in retirement...about crying every single day for months and years on end...about telling others they can expect the same....and especially telling those of us who are happy with retirement that we are lying.

Everyone is entitled to express there own opinion but this goes beyond and requires some rebuttal. Those like the OP who are moving into retirement do not need to be facing a life of misery and crying. Retirement is a big transition and it can be upsetting but many of us have moved into it with joy.

I don't intend to pick on Fran but we are not lying when we say retirement can be the best part of life. If Fran continues to be miserable and cry everyday, I hope she will get some help and in the meantime stop telling the rest of us we are lying and stop trying to warn others that retirement will be miserable.
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Old 06-21-2019, 09:26 AM
 
13 posts, read 5,478 times
Reputation: 26
Quote:
Originally Posted by judd2401 View Post
..... I can get up and give a lecture to 150 students in an auditorium without a problem, but have difficulty inserting myself into small groups of people I don't know.
I have found it easy in small groups, I just ask them a question about them. Most people seem more than willing to talk about themselves. And I like hearing about other peoples lives and/or experiences. I already know my story........
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Old 06-21-2019, 10:37 AM
 
3,339 posts, read 3,042,920 times
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Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
I see nothing that is "spot on" about having a miserable life in retirement...about crying every single day for months and years on end...about telling others they can expect the same....and especially telling those of us who are happy with retirement that we are lying.
The ones I know arenít crying. They happily continue to work, into their 70s and beyond, loving coming into the office and doing what they love and mentoring the young ones too. We are talking a certain subset of retirees. If that isnít you - whatever. No need to get your knicks in a wad.
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Old 06-21-2019, 10:48 AM
 
Location: Williamsburg, VA
3,551 posts, read 1,647,282 times
Reputation: 10162
Quote:
Originally Posted by N.Cal View Post
Actually, In the legal field, esspecially in multinational large corporate law, in my experience I would say that Fran is pretty much spot on.

Not quite following this. What does multinational large corporate law have to do with Matisse's response? Matisse was talking about Fran's assertion that people who say they are happy in retirement are either not being honest with themselves (or, if you want to go with the other quote from Fran, that they are lying)?
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