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Old 06-22-2019, 11:36 AM
 
694 posts, read 161,046 times
Reputation: 1534

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Johnhw2 View Post
OP how do you think your daughter expects you to react? She seems bright and grown up to me and bet she can guess your reaction to hash this out. Since she is pulling away from you already I'd say think about how you react to this news. I think daughter wants more distance and suggest you give her some. Surprise her and give her more space than you have been.

Doing the same thing over again and expecting different results is not going to work. Surprise her and your self by moving on and letting this move into the bends of history without further discussion of it.

Be more independent of her as hard as that is and see if anything changes. If not you are no worse off for trying.

Good luck
Thank you, but we live 4 states away from each other and until lately have seen each other once a year for a couple of days on holidays for 2-3 days, so I donít know how much more space to give. They recently moved state and bought a house and I am happy for them, they are having visits from their friends and inlaws as well.

I just didnít expect the bomb, I was hoping we were past that. I donít feel that it is always OK to be callous of anotherís feelings, especially a family member, in particular, a parent.

 
Old 06-22-2019, 11:53 AM
 
11,936 posts, read 20,392,868 times
Reputation: 19328
Quote:
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
Thank you, but we live 4 states away from each other and until lately have seen each other once a year for a couple of days on holidays for 2-3 days, so I donít know how much more space to give. They recently moved state and bought a house and I am happy for them, they are having visits from their friends and inlaws as well.

I just didnít expect the bomb, I was hoping we were past that. I donít feel that it is always OK to be callous of anotherís feelings, especially a family member, in particular, a parent.
Depending on what the bomb is, I think Iíd tell her I was sorry she had to go through that, and that she didnít feel safe enough to tell me when it happened. But Iím here now, and I want to help now. Is there anything I can do?

If itís not that kind of bomb, I think Iíd let it go, and not mention it again. I have a relative that pulled something like on me, and after much deliberation, I decided she is wrong, the thing she told me about someone else flies in the face of everything I knew about that person. And I knew that person well. And by bringing it up again, it will cause way more damage to everyone. Just not worth it.

And, as someone who is walking through her own personal hell right now, therapy hopefully will help. Iím struggling with sharing my feelings, Iím not good at it. Iím not good at facing my feelings either.
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Old 06-22-2019, 12:29 PM
 
Location: Loudon, TN
5,785 posts, read 4,838,667 times
Reputation: 19458
If she's honestly been like this to you for 10 years....this is just who she's turned out to be, a not-so-nice person who doesn't care if they hurt you. Or enjoys hurting you for fun, which is even worse. As much as it hurts, you've got to believe it when people show you who they are. It's a lot easier on you if you believe it sooner rather than later. She's your daughter, but you don't have to like her, or even be around her. To me, that's probably what I might do if this is just how she has treated you over and over. Walk away.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 12:36 PM
 
12,705 posts, read 9,975,776 times
Reputation: 9515
Quote:
Originally Posted by Piney Creek View Post
Hmmm, how do you feel after dumping this on us? What do you want us to do? I ask this because it's really not that different from your daughter dumping something on you so it might give you a little perspective on how she feels.
...
I disagree with this part. There is a load of difference between the relationship between family members and the relationship between internet strangers. If one of you said something disturbing, I'd be over it in 15 minutes, tops. A family member could say something that would leave me upset for hours, maybe even days.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 12:38 PM
 
Location: USA
1,098 posts, read 370,091 times
Reputation: 905
Quote:
Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
Married and 30 years old, your daughter is not "rebelling". She has an independent life of her own.

If your daughter's independence has made your life scary and tedious, that problem is yours, not hers.

Calling out for help when posting here is unlikely to help you. It seems clear professional help is needed.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 12:44 PM
 
48 posts, read 15,949 times
Reputation: 120
Quote:
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
I feel like she dropped a bomb on me. She could have chosen to not drop the bomb. When she saw my reaction, she did not feel bad or offer empathy. I don’t understand the purpose of her doing this, and I don’t have a lot of energy now to put on a happy face and pretend it’s all good. That’s what I have been doing and now I’m very tired.
My sister was the same way, saying things to deliberately hurt me. I put up with it for decades into adulthood. She dropped hints along the way that she resented me. She felt like I couldn't understand her hardships because I didn't have kids who got into drugs and crime and spent time in jail, because I wasn't married to a guy who worked minimum wage jobs, because I had a job that paid for a decent place to live while she didn't work and lived in an old trailer. I never understood why she resented or blamed me for choices that SHE herself made. I'm much younger than her, she started her path long before I was old enough to have any influence on her. But for some reason she resented me for making different choices than she did, enough that she had to be spiteful and hurt me.

The final straw was when she ran out of ammo and had to try to diminish our father in my eyes. I realized that despite my many attempts to help her, giving her a few things she couldn't afford, and helping her fix a few things around her house, she would never be happy until she thought I was as miserable as she was. In fact, my helping her seemed to inflame her further.

My only choice after trying for 20 years to have a little respect for my feelings and making no headway, was to estrange her from my life. I hope you don't have to make that choice, but if she continues to bomb you and refuses to talk about it, don't feel guilty about taking whatever steps are necessary to protect yourself. We don't have to let ourselves be bullied and beaten down emotionally.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 01:23 PM
 
1,002 posts, read 349,875 times
Reputation: 3202
OP - go home. Do not stay there and reward your daughter's selfish behavior. You are her mother and there is no excuse for her cold and callous behavior toward you. People treat us in the manner we allow them to.

Is your husband/her father still in the picture? What is his take on her behavior?
 
Old 06-22-2019, 01:25 PM
 
Location: Central NY
4,670 posts, read 3,246,905 times
Reputation: 11951
OP, I have been there, done that many years ago. Still no relation with daughter. There are things in life that cannot be fixed, no matter how hard we try or how much we want it to be fixed.

And then we come to C-D and talk about it. And you find people who are not very nice because you won't give them the "juicy" details. You won't hear anything helpful from them. They can't think without knowing all of it. Sad for them.

I was 40 and daughter 20, I was going through divorce from her father. That is when she dropped the bomb. The first feeling is shock, then a little disbelief, then it starts to really sink in. And I had to find a way to handle it, live with it, somehow fix myself. For me I chose counseling. Only you can decide if and when you want to take that road.

For anyone who has had a bomb dropped on them, it's almost always different for everyone. None of us know how it will affect us. Those who have not experienced it have no idea how it feels, what they would do, etc. Lots of guess-timates here. Some condescension.

I've always believed in that saying "walk a mile in my shoes." Let's see how good you do.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 01:25 PM
 
Location: northern New England
2,454 posts, read 1,066,757 times
Reputation: 9568
I think what I would do is to let her know how her "bombshell" made me feel. And then leave it at that.
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Old 06-22-2019, 01:28 PM
 
5,428 posts, read 3,450,730 times
Reputation: 13709
Quote:
Originally Posted by TheShadow View Post

If she's honestly been like this to you for 10 years....this is just who she's turned out to be, a not-so-nice person who doesn't care if they hurt you. Or enjoys hurting you for fun, which is even worse. As much as it hurts, you've got to believe it when people show you who they are. It's a lot easier on you if you believe it sooner rather than later. She's your daughter, but you don't have to like her, or even be around her. To me, that's probably what I might do if this is just how she has treated you over and over.
I think the above has some very good insights.

I've been doing some psychological reading about people who 'enjoy hurting for fun'. It's part of Narcissistic Personality Disorder too. (and Borderline Personality Disorder too) I'm not saying your daughter has this disorder but she may have a characteristic or two that are similar - and does enjoy hurting someone (you) for fun, along with not caring that she hurts you.

Or she doesn't think soundly and deeply before she speaks.

Last edited by matisse12; 06-22-2019 at 01:42 PM..
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