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Old 06-22-2019, 01:40 PM
 
260 posts, read 67,465 times
Reputation: 627

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I would not stay in her house again. If I did visit I would stay in a hotel so you can escape. I would probably not visit and just talk on the phone occasionally which would be better for your mental health.

 
Old 06-22-2019, 02:20 PM
 
38 posts, read 13,976 times
Reputation: 178
This is such an interesting thread. Not knowing what the "bomb" was (well, a bomb to the OP, but apparently not-such-a-big-deal to her daughter) makes all the responses pretty much like shooting at the side of barn hoping to nick a gnat's wing. But very interesting to read it all.

I have no perspective to add because without knowing the personalities, sensitivities, emotional dynamics and what the disclosure was, it's pointless. I will say though that I had a very odd relationship with my own mother. She drove me absolutely nuts after being in her presence for anything past 6 to 8 hours, and not because of anything objectionable she'd do or say. Our personalities were just SO different it's like never could either of us even see the other as we expected to be seen. And that wouldn't be so weird with a stranger, but it was really weird with one's mother.

Okay, no, based on my own experience I will offer one piece of advice. NEVER EVER come for a visit and stay in the house. Always get a hotel. Parents and adult children with complicated relationships need breaks from each other even over the course of a day. This is critical. Otherwise there's this heat or resentment that builds up and one of you will get snappish. Also, when you come to visit (staying in your own hotel room) be prepared to entertain yourself independently for periods each day. Don't wait around for your daughter to perform for you and behave with you as some daughter you wish you'd had.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 02:25 PM
 
12,686 posts, read 14,063,903 times
Reputation: 34757
Quote:
Originally Posted by DaveinMtAiry View Post
....As she stated she feels as if she knows this group a bit so why not share with those you feel comfortable with. With that said, and maybe she did it since this post, without even a hint of what was revealed it's impossible to offer our take.
A very good point.

She is feeling wrecked by this in scheme/view of life. What if she said what it was, and twenty people made responses on the order of you-are-really-way-over-reacting.

Without mentioning what the remarks were that hurt her, she avoids reactions that might diminish hers as overboard.

Just as an example, I can imagine a woman being very upset at a married daughter who has no children saying she had an abortion, and the mother has no grandchildren. Some people would be quite sympathetic, I'm sure; but some would surely say: your daughter's marriage, you daughter's body, her job is not to give you grandchildren.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 02:25 PM
 
Location: Ohio
19,883 posts, read 14,221,081 times
Reputation: 16075
Quote:
Originally Posted by jrkliny View Post
Married and 30 years old, your daughter is not "rebelling". She has an independent life of her own.

If your daughter's independence has made your life scary and tedious, that problem is yours, not hers.

Calling out for help when posting here is unlikely to help you. It seems clear professional help is needed.
Obviously.

Quote:
Originally Posted by creeksitter View Post
I can see this being devastating to a mom who really wants grandkids...
Pressuring children to have grandchildren is objectionable and an abomination.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
She didnít finish grad school, she went through a lot of stress and changes. She did not tell her father or I what happened and we never asked, still a mystery.
Did it ever occur to you that you might be the reason she's never said anything?

Quote:
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
The phrase ďprofessional is neededĒ is in no way helpful.
Sure it is. You have unrealistic expectations.

Quote:
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
This was something that was of little significance to her, but meant a lot to me, and she knew this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
This is it. Thank you. I feel I was blindsided, not for the first time. Itís like, ďHere, I told you this, I am watching your reaction, what are you going to do about it?Ē But, the rule is that I must bite my tongue.
Quote:
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
I feel like she dropped a bomb on me. She could have chosen to not drop the bomb. When she saw my reaction, she did not feel bad or offer empathy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
I just didnít expect the bomb, I was hoping we were past that.
Your statements are all contradictory.

You claim you were hoping you were past something, while simultaneously claiming this thing you thought you were past is a bombshell.

Very obviously, you're not past this thing. Your belief that you were past it is part of the problem, just as your prior dismissal of it is part of the problem, too.

Your categorical casual dismissal of this thing you thought was in the past is probably the reason why she hasn't told you why she failed to complete her doctorate. If you're going to be so callously dismissive, then there's no reason for her to tell you, since you'll be dismissive of that as well.

And, what "rule?"

There's no such rule. If there is a rule, then it was created by you. So, there you are being angry and have the audacity to blame her, because you have to abide by the rule you created.

Why should she feel bad or be empathetic?

How people choose to react to anything is, well, a personal choice.

There's no law that says you had to react that way, yet you chose to do so. Then you have the gall to be mad, because she chose not to react to the way you chose to react.

Other people are right. You do need to discuss this with a professional.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 02:31 PM
 
Location: Florida Gulf Coast
4,404 posts, read 5,919,009 times
Reputation: 7121
Quote:
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
This was something that was of little significance to her, but meant a lot to me, and she knew this. I do think that people should think about what they say and how what they say will effect others, i.e., self-censorship and filtering.
It may sound silly but this reminds me of something I see on "Judge Judy" all the time. A witness will say "So-and-so knew such-and-such..." and she'll say, "Don't tell me what she knew. That calls for knowing the operation of her mind." Maybe she has no idea you would be so hurt by his information. In any case, I think the only way to clear the air is to tell her how this affected you.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 02:37 PM
 
6,538 posts, read 1,339,947 times
Reputation: 16563
I am sorry but I can't comment unless I know what it was that was said (and I don't think you should tell us unless you want to tell us, which you obviously don't and which is your right). This is because my advice would be different if, for example, she told you that she had been molested by someone close to you, as opposed to, for example, saying that she had had an abortion and that was against your religious beliefs -- and different still if she had told you that she was having an affair with a married man (or another woman). It would also depend on whether it was something that had upset you more or that had upset her more and she just needed to let it out.

Again, I am sorry that I have no advice at this point, and I want to emphasize it again that I don't think you should give any more details unless you want to do that.

Last edited by katharsis; 06-22-2019 at 02:47 PM..
 
Old 06-22-2019, 02:41 PM
 
5,424 posts, read 3,442,945 times
Reputation: 13698
One poster in an older thread, a mother, rejected her son because he did not comply with her religious beliefs and practices, and her general conventional parochial beliefs.

Since we do not know what your daughter told you, we do not know if you fall within that same category or a similar category.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 02:53 PM
 
Location: Santa Monica, Ca
6,902 posts, read 3,829,163 times
Reputation: 16271
Quote:
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
I feel like she dropped a bomb on me. She could have chosen to not drop the bomb. When she saw my reaction, she did not feel bad or offer empathy. I donít understand the purpose of her doing this, and I donít have a lot of energy now to put on a happy face and pretend itís all good. Thatís what I have been doing and now Iím very tired.
If your daughter is happy and successful why make it ALL about you? How is her living her life her way... harming you? Sheís an adult and if thereís anyone causing drama in your relationship with your daughter... itís you. Why does she need to justify decisions to you? Maybe sheís tired of your meddling. Stop being a Klingon!
 
Old 06-22-2019, 03:07 PM
 
9,151 posts, read 7,207,884 times
Reputation: 13848
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mircea View Post
Obviously.



Pressuring children to have grandchildren is objectionable and an abomination.



Did it ever occur to you that you might be the reason she's never said anything?



Sure it is. You have unrealistic expectations.









Your statements are all contradictory.

You claim you were hoping you were past something, while simultaneously claiming this thing you thought you were past is a bombshell.

Very obviously, you're not past this thing. Your belief that you were past it is part of the problem, just as your prior dismissal of it is part of the problem, too.

Your categorical casual dismissal of this thing you thought was in the past is probably the reason why she hasn't told you why she failed to complete her doctorate. If you're going to be so callously dismissive, then there's no reason for her to tell you, since you'll be dismissive of that as well.

And, what "rule?"

There's no such rule. If there is a rule, then it was created by you. So, there you are being angry and have the audacity to blame her, because you have to abide by the rule you created.

Why should she feel bad or be empathetic?

How people choose to react to anything is, well, a personal choice.

There's no law that says you had to react that way, yet you chose to do so. Then you have the gall to be mad, because she chose not to react to the way you chose to react.

Other people are right. You do need to discuss this with a professional.
Her daughter made that rule. OP said she likes to talk about things, her daughter doesn't.

Why should she be empathetic? Because people who care about other people are sorry when they say something that hurts them, even if they didn't mean to. ESPECIALLY if they didn't mean to. They say I'm sorry, I didn't say that to upset you.

Someone who doesn't even care when you're hurt either has no empathy in their personality, or they meant to hurt you.
 
Old 06-22-2019, 03:08 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
31,610 posts, read 19,939,787 times
Reputation: 45669
To me, giving absolutely no details makes the situation suspect.
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