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Old 06-22-2019, 03:25 PM
4,477 posts, read 4,738,767 times
Reputation: 9940


Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
To me, giving absolutely no details makes the situation suspect.

Yes, it is. I think it is amazing that one poster, OP, can talk "around something", never getting to the point and look at the replies. It becomes a guessing game, and a but I won't tell you" game with us, the readers. I really don't care what the OP does, imagines etc., but she certainly has worked the last nerve of a few posters with the "mysterious statement" by daughter.

I read the thread and frankly, at this point couldn't care less what the daughter said or didn't say.

It's manipulative, plays with people's caring and concern, for some, irritation. I say, bye, bye.

Old 06-22-2019, 03:25 PM
Location: SoCal
13,200 posts, read 6,308,074 times
Reputation: 9815
The suspense is killing me, ok not. But I hate to comment on something I don’t even know.
Old 06-22-2019, 03:25 PM
Location: Kenmore, WA
7,491 posts, read 6,472,992 times
Reputation: 10927
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
Iím visiting her now. After she told me, I was upset, said I just couldnít sit there & watch a movie and needed to be alone and left the room. This was something she could have kept to herself. She had to know that it would sadden me, and that I would never have found out if she hadnít told me. I feel she could have used discretion and thought ahead of how the news would effect me. ...
I too had a mother with what I would learn later is known as narcissistic personality disorder. We, too, had a troubled relationship right up to the time she died in '11. I know we both tried to reach out, but while I was trying to create a relationship with her as my mother, she was trying to continue to have me as her private audience to her pity party. No one ever understood her suffering. We never knew it was all about her.

Like your daughter, I had to leave town to get away from my mom, just to have the room to breath. She was a vacuum with her huge gaping hole of neediness.

It wasn't until after she died and I started to see a therapist because I felt so much anger toward my DH and wanted to understand why. What I learned in those series of talks was that it wasn't about him at all. I was finally releasing anger at my mom that I'd had to suppress all those years -- because she was already suffering and I always felt guilty.

I hope my experience will help you, in some small way so maybe you will find the help you need.
Old 06-22-2019, 03:53 PM
1,629 posts, read 559,576 times
Reputation: 3081
I'm not going to speculate on the circumstances of the OP's incident and/or relationship with her daughter but I will make these observations gleaned from personal experience:

(1) Some people simply are (or develop into) insensitive jerks. This goes for women as well as men. When my son was a young teen he was extremely happy about and proud of his first-place result in a contest and for some unfathomable reason the man I was dating at the time decided to casually drop the bombshell that "everyone knows that Mike deliberately manipulates the results so that whoever he wants to win, wins." In other words he told my son that his victory was meaningless. There was no earthly reason to drop that infobomb (and I certainly didn't know this about Mike, but this guy knew him better and for a longer time) but apparently the insensitive jerk never thought about the effect his "news" would have on my son. There was absolutely no need to share that info. I broke up with the jerk shortly afterward and never told him why; he probably couldn't have understood it anyhow.

(2) Some people are passive-agressive and use deliberately hurtful words to manipulate others, especially family members whom the P-A person assumes will continue to stick around no matter what. I was married to a person like this for far too long. It ain't easy and it never gets better as long as the relationship continues to exist.

(3) Some people cannot be trusted to keep their word/promises. Self-explanatory. A friend of mine whom I assumed was trustworthy broke what was supposed to be a solemn promise not to ever disclose something I'd told her (she had plenty of "closet skeletons" herself about which she'd sworn me to secrecy and I never broke my word.) When I called her on it, she laughed it off with "oh who knows what I might have said after a couple glasses of wine, hahahah" -- thus proving she could NOT be trusted and I never did again. What was clearly a nothingburger to her, was a big deal to me: Not only the secret itself but the fact that to her, making a promise meant nothing.
Old 06-22-2019, 03:56 PM
Location: 49th parallel
2,600 posts, read 1,357,733 times
Reputation: 5395
I sense a lot of need in the OP's comments and story. Your daughter is married and living a ways away from you. Are both you and your husband visiting? Or are you alone now? If your husband is still around but you are visiting alone, why?

I agree with the poster who says perhaps you should not stay in her home when you're visiting. We never do - our children are grownups with busy lives, and they do not need us complicating their routines in their small house. Your daughter may just be suffering from "too much mama" and this is the result.

It is hard for us as parents of grownup children to realize how little we are in their day to day thoughts, unlike how much we think of them every day. But unless you were a member of a VERY close family, think back to your youth and how your husband, your children, and your own life was ultra important and your parents hardly rated a thought. This is normal. Children should be independent and allowed to make their own mistakes (unless it seems like it's going to be life-threatening).

I don't advocate any more confrontation, as you said you were planning for the morning. Your style is to get it all out in the open, but there are some times when you just have to let things go. Although I have no idea what the situation was, I think you'd really be better to just say tomorrow, "Well, you really knocked me for a loop last night. I'm going to have to take some time to see how I feel about that." And then just let it go; don't try to analyze it with them. Less is better because you can never take back something you may think right now that you have to say.
Old 06-22-2019, 04:02 PM
Location: Wisconsin
21,535 posts, read 43,972,276 times
Reputation: 15135
The OP has already said she is pro choice - so an abortion would not have this effect.

Clearly, the daughter intended to hurt her mother. Clearly, what she said had the desired effect. Clearly, the daughter harbors latent hostility and anger - and spitefully verbalizes that at an opportune moment. Of course, refusal to discuss the issue inflicts further emotional frustration, stress, angst.

It's very easy to say separate yourself from this daughter. But, at this point in OP's life, it's very hard to withdraw from a child in whom one has invested one's self. This post from OP would imply there wasn't a lot hardship for this girl:

Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
This is it. Thank you. I feel I was blindsided, not for the first time. It’s like, “Here, I told you this, I am watching your reaction, what are you going to do about it?” But, the rule is that I must bite my tongue.

I love my daughter, but I’m tired of this. It started, as I said in her 20’s and never stopped. She did not have a strict childhood, her needs were always important and attended to. She had many advantages and I am proud of her.
This 'child' needs to get over herself and appreciate what she had, imho. Sounds to me she was a bit spoiled which has resulted in a combination of emotional immaturity and narcissism.

We don't often appreciate our parents until much older. What we perceive as quirks and unnecessary stressors, we realize much later in life the "why." Daughter clearly hasn't a clue, yet.

I'm more sympathetic to OP primarily because I had the advantage of one intelligent parent (father) and a supportive extended family as a buffer against the proverbial wicked stepmother who married my widower father and resented his kids. They subsequently had a daughter, my half-sister, who to this day says I bore the brunt of it. She was awful to me. I lived with this woman from the age of six until I could get out of the house at age 17 and made a life for myself. We didn't have a lot of money. There were no "advantages." But, I determined her abuse was her problem - and I stayed away for a number of years. But, I also never attacked this woman later in life. She was who she was and I accepted that. Fwiw, she eventually did write me a letter apologizing for her behavior.

So, I don't have a lot of patience when hear the tale of a spoiled child crying poor me you awful parent, I'm out to hurt you.

This appears to be a pattern with this child. Painful as it is, I'd ghost the child and let her make the first overture. She may or may not come to her senses. But, don't count on it. I think she's 'spoiled' and has a lot of growing up to do.

Last edited by Ariadne22; 06-22-2019 at 04:12 PM..
Old 06-22-2019, 04:14 PM
11,262 posts, read 8,417,691 times
Reputation: 20430
I can't read all the pages of reply but let's use the KIS principle.

I'll put myself in the OP' shoes.
If she intentionally hurt me I will withdraw from the relationship until there is an apology.
If it's possible it was unintentional I will need to know the point and will ask directly and in front of her husband.
Was it an act I committed against her? I have to apologize.
I'm only human and cannot turn back time. We can all look back and see the many mistakes we've made. Time to move on.
I refuse to give anyone the power to steal my joy.
Old 06-22-2019, 04:23 PM
687 posts, read 157,825 times
Reputation: 1507
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
To me, giving absolutely no details makes the situation suspect.
Will not share this, itís not relevant.
Old 06-22-2019, 04:48 PM
38 posts, read 13,976 times
Reputation: 178
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
Will not share this, itís not relevant.
You're under no obligation to share it. But refusing to do so makes it impossible for anyone to really assess the situation and your reaction to it, so all that says to readers is "I want you to agree with me and see how mean my daughter is to me and tell me I'm right and she's wrong."

There are some people willing to do that. Others less so. Seems to break down between people who've had children that made them unhappy or parents who made them unhappy. That's the most interesting thing about this thread, the divergence.
Old 06-22-2019, 04:53 PM
793 posts, read 210,796 times
Reputation: 1322
Originally Posted by happygrrrl View Post
I’m visiting her now. After she told me, I was upset, said I just couldn’t sit there & watch a movie and needed to be alone and left the room. This was something she could have kept to herself. She had to know that it would sadden me, and that I would never have found out if she hadn’t told me. I feel she could have used discretion and thought ahead of how the news would effect me.

Life for me has been rocky for the past decade. Starting retirement has been scary and tedious, and not at all what I had planned and hoped for. My relationship with my daughter has been a large part of my issues. She became distant after she met her husband and they started graduate school. It's like she is in some permanent rebellion mode, only I don’t know what or why she is rebelling. I’m talking about a woman in her 30’s who is a professional & has a pretty sweet life. She lives far from me & contacts me if/when she feels like it, so no demands on my part.

I’m placing this here because of the anonymity and because I feel I “know” other posters the best in the Retirement Forum. Also, others have mentioned relationship difficulties with their adult children. So, maybe someone else understands what I am trying to explain.

I almost feel like, from her facial expression and tone of voice, that she enjoyed telling me the bad news and seeing my reaction.

I don’t even know what to do now. Her preferred method for dealing with our “issues” is to drop it and pretend it never happened. My style is discussion and closure, which I haven’t been able to do since she started acting cold & testy with me. I mostly feel like we have no real relationship at all anymore.

For now, I’m going to go to sleep and face her and her husband in the morning. Any comments appreciated.
I have an adult daughter and we had some trying times when she moved away to college and it seemed that when she had a new social life among a higher socio-enomic group, she was always finding fault and was irritable toward me. However, she has gotten through that phase and I can't imagine her ever deliberately telling me something that would be hurtful. I have been trying to put myself in your place and I think my need to not accept disrespectful behavior would trump anything else. I think you should say the news upset your so and you are not comfortable staying. I think I would express my hurt feelings and lack of understanding for the way you were treated in a letter and leave it somewhere it could be found. THis way your daughter could choose to read it or not but at least you made an attempt to convey your thoughts.

P.S. Did she do the extending of the invitation for the visit? As an earlier poster mentioned, staying in her home may be too much for her. I definitely would not stay at her home again.

Last edited by Maddie104; 06-22-2019 at 05:40 PM..
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