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Grad school can take all of someone’s time, energy, and emotional currency if it is at PhD level or similar. Add to that demands of married life and there is little left over. Her presumed coldness to you may only be efficiency. She probably told you now so you would not make the discovery at some later date and feel left out or harmed.
The point is, the daughter told her something she knew would be hurtful and something she didn't need to know. Sometimes things are better left unsaid rather than said for no other purpose than to hurt someone else because you feel the need to get something off your chest. It's a selfish thing to do.
Agree. My grandmother once said something about her feelings toward my mother that would be hurtful if I ever repeated it. (And besides, I know grandma didn't really mean it.....she was very angry about something my mom had just done and said it.) Even in the most horrific arguments I've had with my mom, I would never in a million years repeat that. It would serve no purpose and only hurt my mother. (Even worse, grandma is deceased and my mom wouldn't be able to address it with her.)
The point is, the daughter told her something she knew would be hurtful and something she didn't need to know. Sometimes things are better left unsaid rather than said for no other purpose than to hurt someone else because you feel the need to get something off your chest. It's a selfish thing to do.
There are two sides to every story, as we like to say, and you're just parroting the OP's.
I don't understand why a senior's retirement went sour because her daughter chose to live her own life. Isn't that what children are raised to do? Seems there may be an unhealthy emotional dependency there.
There are two sides to every story, as we like to say, and you're just parroting the OP's.
I don't understand why a senior's retirement went sour because her daughter chose to live her own life. Isn't that what children are raised to do? Seems there may be an unhealthy emotional dependency there.
I agree. The entire relationship sounds pretty unhealthy.
Hmmm, how do you feel after dumping this on us? What do you want us to do? I ask this because it's really not that different from your daughter dumping something on you so it might give you a little perspective on how she feels.
Beyond that, there's not much we can say (beyond suggesting that this thread belongs in Relationships Forum). We don't know the people involved or the situation (and don't wish to know, BTW.). We're not professional counselors, so we can't give advice. The most we can do is give a general impression. If that's what you want, here it is: keep any discussion non dramatic and non confrontational. Focus on the fact that you miss feeling close to her, and even though it hurts to hear something like this you're glad she felt comfortable sharing it with you. Maybe ask if there's something she wants you to do with the information. The end.
I don't think this is fair. Sharing your feelings with anonymous posters that she still feels a connection to is hardly the same thing as a daughter doing this to her mother. For one the news can't possibly be as upsetting to us as it was to her.
As she stated she feels as if she knows this group a bit so why not share with those you feel comfortable with. With that said, and maybe she did it since this post, without even a hint of what was revealed it's impossible to offer our take.
The scenario that popped into my head is the daughter had an abortion. I can see this being devastating to a mom who really wants grandkids and/or has moral objections.
In this scenario the daughter should have kept it to herself but if the mom was pestering maybe the daughter snapped.
Have you ever held your tongue and not spoken out because you knew it would hurt someone else? Or maybe you have quietly taken some sort of action to shield person #2 from person #3....
Then you are a better person than the OP's daughter. The fact that Daughter spoke up when she knew it would hurt Mom says a lot about Daughter.
I would make a little more distance between me and Daughter. No need for a big confrontation; no need to be rude and hurtful. Mom should simply live her life and enjoy it. No one can yank your chain unless you give them the end of it.
The point is, the daughter told her something she knew would be hurtful and something she didn't need to know. Sometimes things are better left unsaid rather than said for no other purpose than to hurt someone else because you feel the need to get something off your chest. It's a selfish thing to do.
Well, no, not really. Without knowing what's upsetting OP, how do we know if her feelings, or the fact that her daughter told her, are justified or not?
No one needs specifics, but there are many categories this awful thing could fall into, and responses might be different depending on what that is. Something that happened to the daughter? Something the daughter did that changes how OP sees her? Something the daughter knew about someone else that changes how OP sees that person? Something in the news on a topic that is upsetting to OP? It could be that daughter is being TMI or inappropriate, it could be that daughter is betraying someone else's confidence, or it could be that OP's head is in the sand about something they really should know about/acknowledge. Who knows, when it's this vague? So what are we supposed to tell them they should do/think/feel, when we haven't the first clue what's going on or which of them may be out of line?
Hmmm, how do you feel after dumping this on us? What do you want us to do? I ask this because it's really not that different from your daughter dumping something on you so it might give you a little perspective on how she feels.
Beyond that, there's not much we can say (beyond suggesting that this thread belongs in Relationships Forum). We don't know the people involved or the situation (and don't wish to know, BTW.). We're not professional counselors, so we can't give advice. The most we can do is give a general impression. If that's what you want, here it is: keep any discussion non dramatic and non confrontational. Focus on the fact that you miss feeling close to her, and even though it hurts to hear something like this you're glad she felt comfortable sharing it with you. Maybe ask if there's something she wants you to do with the information. The end.
Good ideas PC....
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