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Sorry, been there. Understand how you feel. But all you can do is to be the mother and rise above the hurt brought by the revelation and love your daughter through it however that unfolds in your situation.
Would recommend that you see a professional yourself to help you work through your needs. Agree with the grow your own happy life comments.
Will say this, sometimes 'inexperienced' people keep things bottled up and they fester inside and feel the need to explode it out or share the problem with someone to whom they feel the closest on the deepest level, their mothers. Then their air is cleared to them. Problem solved they can move on. But some secrets taint others or they take it to heart and it is devastating. Inelegant indelicate solution but better ways of handling things come with time.
Can't say more than that other than give it time and work on how you ...
^^^This was beautifully said.
Life is messy. Most of us do not have the skill set to deal with difficult situations. Words are misspoken or misinterpreted and feelings get hurt. Whether or not the hurt was intentional, our reactions or our handling of a given situation tells us more about ourselves than about offending individual/situation. Unfulfilled expectations--especially when such expectations hinge on the actions of those we are closest to--can set us up for pain and disappointment. No doubt it can delight us with wonderful surprises as well, but human nature as it is tends to" fester in the bad" rather than "rejoice in the good."
I don’t even know what to do now. Her preferred method for dealing with our “issues” is to drop it and pretend it never happened. My style is discussion and closure, which I haven’t been able to do since she started acting cold & testy with me. I mostly feel like we have no real relationship at all anymore.
For now, I’m going to go to sleep and face her and her husband in the morning. Any comments appreciated.
Just a wild guess, but you mention professional and career. It is quite common in corporate and professional America these days to both judge and be judges on a CONSTANT level. AND, some people enjoy it and, in fact, climb the corporate ladder higher because they are more capable of such things. It's a fact that Sociopaths are often CEO's.
I'm not calling your daughter a sociopath, but everything is on a scale. As you imagine, she may be doing this intentionally (but subconsciously). Maybe she is either being dumped on at work, at home...or, she is being trained to dump on others (give reviews of peers, climb over them, etc.).
That's a very different world than the world of home and family.
It might be that you and her are simply not close....but this might change, especially if they have children. I think there comes a time when most people suffer (themselves) and then they realize how mean they have been to others.
Glad you vented and” dumped” your sorrow on us and not on your daughter.
You are in a tough spot- but as you intelligently pointed out the differences between you and your daughter’s way of handling emotional issues- advice is to do nothing.
Drop it, don’t mention it, but don't forget that it was inconsiderate on her part as any adult should have guessed.
Suffer in silence- you will find a way to adjust to your bad news and will carry on ...
You will continue to love your daughter, but you don't have to like her...
She does not need to know that..( unless you want to amend your will? Or better- spend it all on fun for yourself!)
I would distance myself from her as you are very different people and a “familial friendship and closeness “ you crave isn’t going to happen in this period of your daughters life or ever..
Find close friends and just be happy that your daughter does not seem to need you- you did a good job raising a self sufficient adult.
We can’t always have everything we want in this life. Count your blessing ps that she is healthy, content, etc., love her from afar.
Get your life going so you don’t “ need” her. If you want a “ payback”( she might wanted to hurt you- you be the judge)- best revenge for people who try to manipulate us into unhappiness- happiness.
Tell her that you glad she told you- it explained a lot to you. And that you d rather know.
Even say something outrageous she can not expect to shock her!- it could be childish- but could be fun!
IDK, my wife's mother was a narcissist who had been married 5 times and raised her kids in a crappy household.
Once we got married she became distant with her mother who could never see the reasons why. Finally when our kids were older she had the will power to put her mother in her place. It helped somewhat but it was always a broken relationship as was her relationship with all her kids.
But if you heard the Mother tell the story it would be about her bad kids who showed no respect or love.
Maybe I'm drifting from the OP but not knowing the history.
Life is complicated, relationships are complex. Everyone has a version of the truth.
Now the other side of the coin.
Your daughter’s “ rebellion” and a pull back and even the delivery of bad news to you- could be explained that subconsciously she feels your “need to be closer” and resent your clinginess.
Your description of the decade of your life seems centered on your relationship with daughter while she is moving on with her life and her husband. That is not right for you to have your expectations. She invited you for a visit, didn’t she?
Be happy that you have at least that!
She has her own life - and you need to find new goals, purpose in yours now since she is grown.
Hmmm, how do you feel after dumping this on us? What do you want us to do? I ask this because it's really not that different from your daughter dumping something on you so it might give you a little perspective on how she feels.
Beyond that, there's not much we can say (beyond suggesting that this thread belongs in Relationships Forum). We don't know the people involved or the situation (and don't wish to know, BTW.). We're not professional counselors, so we can't give advice. The most we can do is give a general impression. If that's what you want, here it is: keep any discussion non dramatic and non confrontational. Focus on the fact that you miss feeling close to her, and even though it hurts to hear something like this you're glad she felt comfortable sharing it with you. Maybe ask if there's something she wants you to do with the information. The end.
Yes, I am dumping on an anonymous forum. Your last sentence is what I want to do but there had been an unspoken rule, created by her, that open discussion is forbidden.
The point is, the daughter told her something she knew would be hurtful and something she didn't need to know. Sometimes things are better left unsaid rather than said for no other purpose than to hurt someone else because you feel the need to get something off your chest. It's a selfish thing to do.
I agree with this sentiment. Like the physicians: "First, do no harm".
Don't hurt someone just to get something off your chest. You can never un-say it.
I commiserate, it's happened to me. It hurts for a long, long time.
I don't know, I'm just having a hard time imagining what she told you that you, her mother, would've preferred she kept to herself. You would want her to keep the burden of a painful and shocking secret to herself?
This was something that was of little significance to her, but meant a lot to me, and she knew this. I do think that people should think about what they say and how what they say will effect others, i.e., self-censorship and filtering.
Married and 30 years old, your daughter is not "rebelling". She has an independent life of her own.
If your daughter's independence has made your life scary and tedious, that problem is yours, not hers.
Calling out for help when posting here is unlikely to help you. It seems clear professional help is needed.
Life has been scary and tedious for reasons beyond my control like health, work, death and loss, all the things that happen to everyone, just all in a short time with no time to process and bounce back, which I have always been expected to do. The relationship shift with my daughter was coincidental, kind of the icing on the cake.
IDK, my wife's mother was a narcissist who had been married 5 times and raised her kids in a crappy household.
Once we got married she became distant with her mother who could never see the reasons why. Finally when our kids were older she had the will power to put her mother in her place. It helped somewhat but it was always a broken relationship as was her relationship with all her kids.
But if you heard the Mother tell the story it would be about her bad kids who showed no respect or love.
Maybe I'm drifting from the OP but not knowing the history.
Life is complicated, relationships are complex. Everyone has a version of the truth.
Just an observation: there are families with alcoholics, drug addicted, violently abusive mothers, who are stillforgiven and loved by their adult children. The ability to love someone has nothing to do with the fact wether the object of love deserves it
Saying that- your wife’s relationship with her “ undeserving the love of her own children’s mother” may actually signify your wife’s own inability to truly love someone, understanding their circumstances, forgiving them or coming to terms with their limitations and simply loving them because they are themselves are loving people
There is an old saying: the man who does not love his mother- will never be able to truly love any woman.
I think the same could be said about daughter’s.
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