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Old 07-27-2019, 09:07 AM
Status: "Loving our retirement" (set 3 days ago)
 
Location: Asheville NC
1,631 posts, read 1,325,528 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCal_Native View Post
Is this true with all retirement aged people?
Not true for us, or any of the couples we know.
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Old 07-27-2019, 09:07 AM
 
3,178 posts, read 1,743,894 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReachTheBeach View Post
Agree, even though I am staying the course a little longer because of logistics. Stupid reason but splitting now would have a lot of financial impact on more than just us. I get bitter looking back over the last few years after a revelation this year that she essentially made a decision to give up on me a few years ago. I have been faithful (and I am pretty certain she has also) to a relationship that isn't satisfying to either of us and isn't going to improve. I am far less likely to resist temptation knowing what I do now. I will admit I haven't been totally committed for a little while and might have strayed if the opportunity was there. It hasn't been, though there were a couple of times when it might have been if I had followed up on what seemed to be some interest. I never thought I would get to that point earlier in our relationship.
I am sorry for you. This is sad, whatever it is that you are trying to do. It does not sound good for you or your wife. The only positive is that she is being totally honest with you, and has not cheated on you, which I believe is a soul destroying act.
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Old 07-27-2019, 09:31 AM
mlb
 
Location: North Monterey County
3,219 posts, read 2,876,748 times
Reputation: 4941
We are 7 months retired and still “negotiating” our time together since retirement is still new - and spending 24/7 together can be stifling.

30 years married - with him 34 years. So we have had experience at “negotiating”.

The love is still very much there.... but we don’t need to smother one another. He would not be happy if I went off with woman friends for a vacation - because he would also want to be there - and enjoy wherever we were going (that’s just how he is) and he would be jealous as he doesn’t have close guy friends he would do that with. It has been way too long since we have had a real vacation because of work and because we have just moved and haven’t found a dog/house sitter yet - but that will happen.

We are still re-balancing housework responsibilities. He has been retired for more years that this past 7 months when I officially retired.....so at home and doing the bulk of the work... but now that I am home his “I do all the work around here” is getting tiring. We clearly have and have always had different standards of what needs to get done and when when dealing with household renovations... I see it as something that can wait - he waits for nothing. I think it’s because he is always “ON”... and I see myself actually retiring. So I let him do his thing. He doesn’t always get it right... but there’s time to fix that. I do my share of the housework - but it is tiring to hear I am not doing it correctly or fast enough or on his timetable.

Have at it, bud.

I value my sleep. He snores loudly. And he gets up a lot in the middle of the night because of back pain or the bathroom. Separate rooms are a necessity. I get up at OHGOD:30 with the dogs because they wake me. He would not be able to do that on a daily basis. It’s something we have worked out.

I would want to know how old the OP is and if they are in a relationship. Relationships evolve and accommodate. It’s the only way they survive. We have had our differences but we have worked them out. And will continue to do so until death. We are our closest friends. I have been there thru all of his sicknesses and he the same for me. There is no one else I would have wanted there for me. He feels the same.
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Old 07-27-2019, 10:20 AM
 
Location: Central NY
4,711 posts, read 3,276,460 times
Reputation: 12108
Quote:
Originally Posted by ReachTheBeach View Post
Agree, even though I am staying the course a little longer because of logistics. Stupid reason but splitting now would have a lot of financial impact on more than just us. I get bitter looking back over the last few years after a revelation this year that she essentially made a decision to give up on me a few years ago. I have been faithful (and I am pretty certain she has also) to a relationship that isn't satisfying to either of us and isn't going to improve. I am far less likely to resist temptation knowing what I do now. I will admit I haven't been totally committed for a little while and might have strayed if the opportunity was there. It hasn't been, though there were a couple of times when it might have been if I had followed up on what seemed to be some interest. I never thought I would get to that point earlier in our relationship.

I can relate to so much of what you wrote here. I was married for 21+ years, now divorced 36+ years.

I tried to not think about it a lot. He cheated a lot for a long time (probably when we got back from the honeymoon). I didn't want to see it. I was trapped inside my own head. Thought I had to obey all the so-called rules. Felt alone and unsupported. So many years to feel that way.

It took a long time for me to understand the "rules" were things I had heard and thought I had to live by.

Then one day a couple of years ago, I had an epiphany. I let go of the old stuff I believed and decided to live my life. I never remarried and think at my age (77) I probably won't, too late now.

I don't know how old you are, but your happiness is important. Don't worry about money or disappointing anyone else. You know what you want to do. And you are letting other things block you from it. Life is very short.

I think I could say more but believe I've said enough.
Good luck. Take some time and make a list. Then do what want to do.
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Old 07-27-2019, 01:29 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,957 posts, read 2,899,279 times
Reputation: 6353
Quote:
Originally Posted by cb2008 View Post
I am sorry for you. This is sad, whatever it is that you are trying to do. It does not sound good for you or your wife. The only positive is that she is being totally honest with you, and has not cheated on you, which I believe is a soul destroying act.
I am really not sure she is being totally honest. She decided years ago that she was giving up on me and only recently told me she made that decision years ago. She gave me reason to hope things would get back to how they once were after she had decided they never will. I assume she is honest about spending time with her friends but don't know it. There are some very significant past events that she claims to remember differently than I do and I don't mean a minor detail. Her manner when she told me that was off. I know that's vague, but I have been with her a long time. She was dispassionate about a serious accusation. She chose to tell me both things, cherry picked from the past, at one time as part of her justification of making her decision years ago. If what she was saying was true, there is zero chance that she would have stayed with me. I think she is consciously lying.
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Old Today, 01:29 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,957 posts, read 2,899,279 times
Reputation: 6353
Following up on my last post right above. I will probably get some eye rolls, but this is totally coincidental timing.

The subject of whether we were going to divorce was brought up by one of my kids. Neither of us offered any immediate assurances. Later, out of earshot, we had another surprisingly dispassionate conversation. She denied saying some things she said in our previous conversation of just a few months ago. I did not use the words lying or liar, but essentially spelled that out by telling her how much what she said affected me and that I was absolutely positive about what she said. She basically shrugged that off, which is totally out of character. So I have to revise my last posting. I am certain she is not being totally honest. She agrees that we have almost nothing in common with each other anymore except love that didn't go away as we drifted apart, throwing in a few digs that made it my fault. Yet she is still pushing the narrative that we can get through this somehow. I should get a "fishing cabin" like a camper with a 6 + 6 or year around spot and spend time there and here. It's very strange. There is not mention of doing anything to improve the relationship.
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Old Today, 02:37 PM
 
Location: california
462 posts, read 1,017,187 times
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Your previous post seemed fine to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ReachTheBeach View Post
She agrees that we have almost nothing in common with each other anymore except love that didn't go away as we drifted apart, throwing in a few digs that made it my fault. Yet she is still pushing the narrative that we can get through this somehow.
Ask her how she feels it's your fault, and how she'd like you both to get through it.

Quote:
I should get a "fishing cabin" like a camper with a 6 + 6 or year around spot and spend time there and here.
Is that what she said, what you think, or what she thinks that you want?

Quote:
There is not mention of doing anything to improve the relationship.
Well then, ask her to talk about that, and discuss it with her.
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Old Today, 03:22 PM
 
Location: NC Piedmont
3,957 posts, read 2,899,279 times
Reputation: 6353
Quote:
Originally Posted by jlvs2run View Post
Your previous post seemed fine to me.



Ask her how she feels it's your fault, and how she'd like you both to get through it.

Is that what she said, what you think, or what she thinks that you want?

Well then, ask her to talk about that, and discuss it with her.
She spelled out exactly why it is my fault. Some legit reasons.
  • I used to drink too much; never affected my job, no DUIs, but I agree that is correct. It has been over two years since I had a drink, which is the longest I have ever made it and I really believe it feels different and I have a shot at being done with it. I am scared of what happens to elderly problem drinkers.
  • I lied about drinking sometimes.
  • I had a hard time accepting a diagnosis of type 2 bipolar disorder and often went off my meds and had some mood swings. I have been taking them as prescribed for over two years; I started back on them not long before I stopped drinking; probably not a coincidence.
  • A number of years ago, I had something of a deep spiritual journey that ended up where you might least expect it to; away from any organized religion. Church is important to my wife.
That's a pretty severe list. I would understand if she wanted to split up. She doesn't, but she also doesn't want to have much of a relationship and I don't mean just the lack of sex.

I floated the "fishing cabin" idea a few years ago. We had one somewhat close by about 20 years ago and we went there together a lot of weekends. It was a mutual decision to buy it and we sold it only because it was too small for our growing family. As they have gotten older, I brought up the idea of getting something similar again, but this time further south so it would be a winter getaway. She was not interested in doing that. She has brought the idea back up somewhat recently and been clear that it isn't anything she is interested in. It would be just for me.

I get the impression from threads like this that this isn't as unusual as I think.

I have asked her about improving the relationship. I should try to pin her down because what I get is that she is okay with just being house mates (we are not room mates; different rooms for years) and each doing our own thing.
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Old Today, 03:44 PM
 
Location: SoCal
13,463 posts, read 6,433,987 times
Reputation: 10033
This is why people start over. New person doesn’t remember their faults. I have to admit, those were very big mistakes.
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Old Today, 03:45 PM
 
39,390 posts, read 20,462,495 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthofHere View Post
Well almost every weekend is probably pretty unique but occasional weekends or one night a week or even longer trips with girlfriends is more common than you think. Often in couples one likes to travel but the other doesn't so who do you travel with? Girlfriends or in the case of men, men friends. It also can get quite lonely not having friends other than your husband or wife even if you do love each other. Having friends separate from being a couple also helps when one of you dies. Couple friends tend to drift away but separate friends stick around. Cultivate your friends, even if married.
This is where we are. I live in the North and "hate" the winters, gray skies, muck, slush, bitter cold, having to put on layers of clothes to keep warm but DH doesn't like change so he would be fine staying here until he dies. I've been taking trips with friends and they will get longer. I feel more me, more free in nice weather. I can not fathom another cold depressing dreary winter. So OP, maybe it's a couple that changed through time, still love each other but want different things.
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