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Old 07-07-2019, 01:23 PM
 
43 posts, read 15,091 times
Reputation: 104

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Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Thank you for all of the ideas. Uber would be good to get to the hospital (I looked it up and they do that).


I have also been practicing saying "no" - it's just hard and it brings up all kinds of fear in me - but I have done it. They badger me, because I have always "been there" in the past.
The fear of the repercussions often makes me give in with certain people. I don't know how this person changed the dynamics with your relationships with the rest of your relatives, but it sounds like maybe this person told some lies or made false accusations or something.

Those are the people that are hard to dislodge from your life because you know they will retaliate. If they're good enough manipulators to turn people against you, I don't know how to handle that. Maybe someone else can give us pointers on how to bring the people who've believed that person's lies back to our side of the situation?

You say you love this person. Sometimes we have to help people we love whether they want truly helpful solutions at the moment or not. You're not doing them any good by following their rules (No 911 or I'll run, etc.). That's not helping, that's making it worse. It sounds like they need a mental health facility first off. Next time you see them coming, call 911 before you answer the door. Tell them the situation and ask what they can do. Maybe they can do a mandatory 72 hour hold? Then open the door and sit with them until officers arrive.

Yes they'll be angry with you. Yes maybe they will estrange you. But getting professional help is the only chance they have of recovering, and you owe them that much. And that's all you owe them. Put them in a situation where they have all the support to help themselves if they want to, then no more guilt.

Good luck. Thanks for starting this thread. I tend to hide from obnoxious people and uncomfortable situations, and I've learned a few things reading the replies on that particular subject.
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Old 07-07-2019, 02:38 PM
 
1,641 posts, read 563,626 times
Reputation: 3099
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
I think I could do it. I just spent a week there - I like to explore and would probably just try to carve out four hours per day, max . . . I LOVE the subway, but had a friend with me who helped me figure it out - I am not sure I could do it by myself, but want to try. In a worse-case scenario, I can Uber anywhere. I would stay on Manhattan.
Just do be aware that visiting NYC -- even for a week or two -- is not going to be the same as living there full-time, throughout all seasons and situations. You know the old saying, "It's a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there"? That especially applies to places that have an inherently 'intense' lifestyle, and Manhattan certainly is that.

The same hustle and bustle and noise that feels exciting during a visit may end up grating on your last nerve after six months (and you'll be locked into a 1-year lease) .... or, conversely, you may love it. One or more of the people in the apartment next to/above/below yours may turn out to be Neighbors From Hell ... or they may be quiet as church mice.... but again, you'll be stuck living there until your lease is up, unless you're wealthy enough to afford to (a) break a lease and (b) find something better at a moment's notice. Of course that will apply to any rental but you need to understand that NYC real estate is a world unto itself and it isn't for the faint-hearted.

I'd suggest that on your next visit you spend some time with a real estate agent or two, and get a realistic idea of what kind of apartment (and most important, WHERE) you can get for your housing budget. Once you have some neighborhoods on a list, it wouldn't be a bad idea to visit the NY City Forum here on City-Data and see what residents (current and former) are saying about each one... and ask specific questions.

http://www.city-data.com/forum/new-york-city/

You may discover that a neighborhood (or street, or apartment building) that looks good 'on paper' might not be a good fit after all, for whatever reasons. Look (and look again and again) before you leap.
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Old 07-07-2019, 03:45 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,820 posts, read 1,835,435 times
Reputation: 10718
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
Hmmm it's hard to say whether escaping would be a good remedy. Based on your posts it seems that perhaps this "distressed" person's neediness gives you a sense of purpose that you don't get from your other family. That's something to consider.
Trust me when I tell you I do not wanted to be needed in emergencies!
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Old 07-07-2019, 03:47 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,820 posts, read 1,835,435 times
Reputation: 10718
Quote:
Originally Posted by LeeHoLee View Post
The fear of the repercussions often makes me give in with certain people. I don't know how this person changed the dynamics with your relationships with the rest of your relatives, but it sounds like maybe this person told some lies or made false accusations or something.

Those are the people that are hard to dislodge from your life because you know they will retaliate. If they're good enough manipulators to turn people against you, I don't know how to handle that. Maybe someone else can give us pointers on how to bring the people who've believed that person's lies back to our side of the situation?

You say you love this person. Sometimes we have to help people we love whether they want truly helpful solutions at the moment or not. You're not doing them any good by following their rules (No 911 or I'll run, etc.). That's not helping, that's making it worse. It sounds like they need a mental health facility first off. Next time you see them coming, call 911 before you answer the door. Tell them the situation and ask what they can do. Maybe they can do a mandatory 72 hour hold? Then open the door and sit with them until officers arrive.

Yes they'll be angry with you. Yes maybe they will estrange you. But getting professional help is the only chance they have of recovering, and you owe them that much. And that's all you owe them. Put them in a situation where they have all the support to help themselves if they want to, then no more guilt.

Good luck. Thanks for starting this thread. I tend to hide from obnoxious people and uncomfortable situations, and I've learned a few things reading the replies on that particular subject.
Thank you. I have developed fear - almost terror of this person via negative reinforcement. I don't like to be put on the spot - it takes me a long time to figure out what to do and when they show up in distress, it's very stressful - and I also don't like dealing with irrational, explosive people - it's just scary.
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Old 07-07-2019, 03:51 PM
 
Location: North State (California)
39,503 posts, read 2,978,735 times
Reputation: 12891
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Thank you. I have developed fear - almost terror of this person via negative reinforcement. I don't like to be put on the spot - it takes me a long time to figure out what to do and when they show up in distress, it's very stressful - and I also don't like dealing with irrational, explosive people - it's just scary.
Don't you think they will still be calling you & asking for help? Or listing you as emergency contact?
Moving is expensive & can be risky, if you don't like your new home, for whatever reason.
IMO, it is an extreme upheaval, for maybe no good reason. You will have to train yourself to call 911 any & every time this person shows up or contacts you.
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Old 07-07-2019, 03:51 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,820 posts, read 1,835,435 times
Reputation: 10718
Quote:
Originally Posted by BBCjunkie View Post
Just do be aware that visiting NYC -- even for a week or two -- is not going to be the same as living there full-time, throughout all seasons and situations. You know the old saying, "It's a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to live there"? That especially applies to places that have an inherently 'intense' lifestyle, and Manhattan certainly is that.

The same hustle and bustle and noise that feels exciting during a visit may end up grating on your last nerve after six months (and you'll be locked into a 1-year lease) .... or, conversely, you may love it. One or more of the people in the apartment next to/above/below yours may turn out to be Neighbors From Hell ... or they may be quiet as church mice.... but again, you'll be stuck living there until your lease is up, unless you're wealthy enough to afford to (a) break a lease and (b) find something better at a moment's notice. Of course that will apply to any rental but you need to understand that NYC real estate is a world unto itself and it isn't for the faint-hearted.

I'd suggest that on your next visit you spend some time with a real estate agent or two, and get a realistic idea of what kind of apartment (and most important, WHERE) you can get for your housing budget. Once you have some neighborhoods on a list, it wouldn't be a bad idea to visit the NY City Forum here on City-Data and see what residents (current and former) are saying about each one... and ask specific questions.

http://www.city-data.com/forum/new-york-city/

You may discover that a neighborhood (or street, or apartment building) that looks good 'on paper' might not be a good fit after all, for whatever reasons. Look (and look again and again) before you leap.
Thank you so much for this. I do tend to project positive onto new situations, so I realize that what something appears like during weeks of vacation can be much different if locked in . . . My initial plan was to stay for extended periods (3 or so months) in Spring and Fall. I already know I will hate summer and winter might be challenging with snow, though I do like winter, so maybe will try that sometime too.

Good suggestion about the Realtor - I am going to be working on my itinerary soon - I had found a Realtor I like and might see if she can show me a couple of places so I can get a good feel. I don't want to waste anyone's time though, cuz I am not ready to lease yet because of my dog.
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Old 07-07-2019, 04:38 PM
 
Location: Washington state
5,439 posts, read 2,760,875 times
Reputation: 16357
Hmmm...I was 2000 miles away from my parents and they still punched my buttons because I let them. I was too young and inexperienced to tell them to f**k off and I was already far away from them, so I did the next best thing: I took the buttons out of their immediate reach. I cut off all contact with them for almost ten years. Cowardly, but very, very effective.

By the time I re-established contact, I was a lot stronger and had no problem telling people, even my parents, where my boundaries were. But at the time I cut off contact I was mentally not able to do that, so I took care of the problem the only way I knew how. Of course, I really wasn't that close with my parents anyway and I knew darn good and well they could take care of themselves. I just got tired of being a dump for all their bad moods and negativity, but I was too scared to speak up at the time.

OP, sounds like you need to do something like this.
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Old 07-07-2019, 06:58 PM
 
1,641 posts, read 563,626 times
Reputation: 3099
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
My initial plan was to stay for extended periods (3 or so months) in Spring and Fall. I already know I will hate summer and winter might be challenging with snow, though I do like winter, so maybe will try that sometime too.

Good suggestion about the Realtor - I am going to be working on my itinerary soon - I had found a Realtor I like and might see if she can show me a couple of places so I can get a good feel. I don't want to waste anyone's time though, cuz I am not ready to lease yet because of my dog.
Given your extended-stay plan, I definitely suggest talking to the realtor and asking about a "sub-let" (a/k/a "sub-lease") of an apartment or condo. They may have clients who spend part of the year abroad, for example (maybe they go to Paris in the springtime, LOL.) Anyway it is something to ask about. Some buildings do not allow subletting, though, which will limit the available choices (as well as budgetary limits.)

The ironic part is that summer and winter are probably the times of year when most sub-lets are available, either from the tenant spending the summer in the Hamptons, the Cape, or wherever, and/or their winters in Florida!

But it's something to ask about.
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Old 07-07-2019, 07:12 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
17,028 posts, read 17,342,168 times
Reputation: 41334
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
If someone is in "severe distress" and "not of sound mind or body" it is your obligation to call 911 so the proper authorities come on the scene and take the person to where they can get professional help, be it a hospital or a psych ward.
Well said. If you are at all afraid, possibly because the person is "out of control", be sure to request police and an ambulance when you call 911. In my current city, police automatically respond to all ambulance calls (I believe because they are patrolling and can arrive faster) but I don't think that is typical.

If you are 'confused and disoriented', possibly because the person suddenly arrives at your door step in the middle of the night, IMHO, it is even more important to call the police as they can sort out a volatile situation and/or protect your safety. In addition, having a police call on record may assist in helping you get a restraining order.


BTW, for the future, some senior facilities/assisted living facilities have a locked front door at night (occasionally during the day, too) and visitors have to be buzzed inside. Some also have security guards.

Last edited by germaine2626; 07-07-2019 at 07:21 PM..
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Old 07-07-2019, 07:17 PM
 
Location: planet earth
4,820 posts, read 1,835,435 times
Reputation: 10718
Quote:
Originally Posted by rodentraiser View Post
Hmmm...I was 2000 miles away from my parents and they still punched my buttons because I let them. I was too young and inexperienced to tell them to f**k off and I was already far away from them, so I did the next best thing: I took the buttons out of their immediate reach. I cut off all contact with them for almost ten years. Cowardly, but very, very effective.

By the time I re-established contact, I was a lot stronger and had no problem telling people, even my parents, where my boundaries were. But at the time I cut off contact I was mentally not able to do that, so I took care of the problem the only way I knew how. Of course, I really wasn't that close with my parents anyway and I knew darn good and well they could take care of themselves. I just got tired of being a dump for all their bad moods and negativity, but I was too scared to speak up at the time.

OP, sounds like you need to do something like this.
Sounds like it worked really well for you!
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